Compassionate Communication

[lizzybean]

I appear to have lost the art recently, why is that? It is as if I am doing it on purpose but I'm not. MIL says something slightly bizarre & I contradict her immediately. Example, On Monday she needed her lock changed, physio came & later carer. All within the same 1 1/2 hour period. Plus then I had to show her where the new lock was & how it worked. I was a bit concerned that she would be anxious/agitated by it all so after I had been back at work for 1/2 hour I rang her. She was nice & calm so I was relieved.
She then told me she'd been out, that she'd been at work with me. Did I accept that? Oh no, had to tell her that the locksmith had been etc. As soon as the word locksmith was out of my mouth I thought "how stupid am I" This was what I wanted to avoid, bringing up something that might disturb her, She'd clearly forgotten so why the h*ll was I bringing it up again!!
I was doing so well until recently. Must try a lot harder!!

 

[jeany123]

Aw Lizzybean it isn't easy is it, It goes against everything we have ever done so no wonder we find it difficult xxx

 

[Linbrusco]

Don't be too hard on yourself Lizzybean ,we are only human and bound to slip up now and again. It's hard not to be affected by the stress and mental wariness.

My husband has speech issues due to surgery and treatment from a brain tumour 10 hrs ago.
There are 2 things I do on the odd occasion which drive him crazy, and I can't seem to help it, although I do try.
If he cannot get a word out, I often don't give him enough time to try, and finish his sentence for him.... or
He will say something that doesn't make sense. I repeat back exactly what he says as if for it to sink in to my mind to interpret what he actually means.

 

[lin1]

Hi Lizzybean.
None of us are saints .
We are only human and therefore make mistakes .
You are under a great deal of stress and let's face it, compassionate communication is far from easy !!

I make mistakes with my dad, similar to Linbrusco, dad had a head injury a few yrs ago and I have yrs of experience with my mum who had Dementia.
So please try and forgive yourself.

 

[MrsTerryN]

Hi lizzy. I can relate I made the mistake of telling mom the bond for the nursing home was kinda like a trust. Well she has a background on that sort of thing so she wanted to know everything about this 'trust' thankfully she has now forgotten all about it. However it was a topic of discussion for few days

 

[Tin]

Morning Lizzybean, I'm doing it too! and then within seconds I'm biting my tongue, I will have to learn all over again to shut up and just agree.

 

[jeany123]

Why is it that they remember things that you would rather they forgot and forget things that they should remember, it has always puzzled me

 

[Lindy50]

I'm another one!

I give mum unnecessary choices too, for example when we went out to lunch this week I asked her which seat she'd like at the table......I should just take the decision. She can't compute the variables of a different environment.....I find it so hard to remember, though

 

[lizzybean]

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate the support & glad to know it's not just me. Went this morning and took some dominoes. Really can't remember the rules anymore so I made them up! Didn't matter because she really loved it, she even tried to start strategizing, not that she could really do that, she kept saying "this is good for the brain"
So I feel a bit better about myself.

 

[Tin]

I'm another one!

I give mum unnecessary choices too, for example when we went out to lunch this week I asked her which seat she'd like at the table......I should just take the decision. She can't compute the variables of a different environment.....I find it so hard to remember, though

I think we do it just for conversation. Took mum to pub for pre lunch drink and I said to her would you prefer to sit inside or out? My mum smokes!! so I know where she should go. Unfortunately she said inside and then kept asking me for a cig!

 

[Rageddy Anne]

Aw, yes! I expect we've all done it, and will do it again. I tell myself it's a bit like learning to dance, and I keep forgetting to do the odd little sidestep. Just when I think I've got the hang of it, and relax a little, even feel a little pleased with myself, then Wham! I've done it again, and caused anguish which could have been avoided.

Only this morning my husband was cross because he said he'd been to the shop many times and they never had what ever it was he wanted. I should have left it like that, but why oh why did I feel the need to say it was actually only twice? Maybe because he was planning to phone them and complain, I panicked....but perhaps he would have forgotten. As it was, he decided I was talking rubbish, as usual, and I got a telling off, but did forget to phone.

We can't be ahead of the game all the time, it's too exhausting!

 

[worn out]

gosh yes.i do it time and again.i guess its because before this horrid disease weve been used to equal conversations and its so hard to remember to be constanly reassuring. also does anyone else feel as if the are being patronising in agreeing with everthing?of course its not but somehow i feel like that. you are not alone so dont feel bad

 

[2jays]

It's the "wrong footed" moment I hated

Would agree with mum about something she would say about a situation (white lie) then she would turn on me and tell me that I had told her something else the other day (the truth)

Never knew sometimes whether to "correct" or "go along with" for a time.

Now mum thinks my memory is as bad as hers as whenever I get a question I'm not sure how to answer, I mumble, hmm and haaa and say oh mum I can't remember exactly, I do know something was said, but not what it was... Cue laughter from mum


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point

 

[Canadian Joanne]

As long as your mother is laughing, 2jays, it's alright.

 

[Grannie G]

she kept saying "this is good for the brain"

It is the type of comment my husband used to make. So touching.

 

[Lindy50]

I think we do it just for conversation. Took mum to pub for pre lunch drink and I said to her would you prefer to sit inside or out? My mum smokes!! so I know where she should go. Unfortunately she said inside and then kept asking me for a cig!

Oh yes, Tin, I recognise that situation. It feels wrong to take this kind of decision for mum....and yet so often it's actually the right thing to do! xx

 

[kingmidas1962]

I was going to start a thread on the very same thing - maybe its the weather!

Mum has been very down this week, and today worse. She said that she went down to coffee this morning (in the coffee bar at her assisted living complex) but was all on her own, there was no one there and she felt lonely. Instead of just sympathising which I know is what I SHOULD do, I launched into a great big explanation of how we can all expect to be lonely in our lives, and that we can't expect other people to appear and entertain us just because we're having a bit of an off moment.

All of this is true BUT it precipitated a tantrum from her - even raising her voice which is uncharacteristic, telling me I was hard and I never listened to her, and made her out to be much MUCH worse than she is. Did I give up? No, I kept on defending myself saying that she couldn't see herself as I see her so how did she know? Equally, I said, I can't see myself through her eyes so if she felt I was unkind then I was sorry, but I didn't consider myself to be.

She sulked all afternoon. I really could have handed it better!

 

[Lindy50]

Oh dear KM, sorry you've had such a difficult day

It's so hard not to get into the kind of discussion you might have had in the past, isn't it? Also, I tend to find that when I do manage to achieve compassionate communication, it is often at the cost of not being myself. This can be depressing in itself......do you remember the old R D Laing dictum that "Depression is learned helplessness" ?

There has to be a middle way where we can genuinely communicate....surely?!?

Lindy xx

 

[kingmidas1962]

Oh dear KM, sorry you've had such a difficult day

It's so hard not to get into the kind of discussion you might have had in the past, isn't it? Also, I tend to find that when I do manage to achieve compassionate communication, it is often at the cost of not being myself.

Oh, this is SO true! When I get it 'right' - and it gives mum nothing to object to and therefore things run more smoothly I feel like I am speaking in platitudes. It goes against the grain as I am quite a challenging person who also likes to be challenged, and see other peoples points of view.

"Depression is learned helplessness" ?

There has to be a middle way where we can genuinely communicate....surely?!?

Lindy xx

I completely subscribe to this with mum. I didnt realise what a theme it was in her life and until dad (the ULTIMATE compassionate communicator, quite naturally) was out of the picture and I was having to manage mum myself - then I realised how much she thought herself into her own difficulties.

 

[JTSA]

Adjustments

My husband/carer was diagnosed with adjustment disorder. I am 11 years younger than he, diagnosed at 47, now 55, with early stage dementia (CADASIL, a vascular disease). The doctor gave him Xanax, but he won't take it. He is intelligent, but cannot seem to comprehend all the changes I am going through, even though I explain what I can and send him email info and articles often. I think it must be as hard on the carer side as on the ill side. Nevertheless, the simple truth is that we who are affected are doing the best we can, and your anguish is standing in the way of your ability to cope. It is awfully hard to accept the unacceptable, but life never promised us a rose garden. Let go your expectations and inner emotional demands. You may even be affected by the fear of developing this yourself, and that fear may need to be confronted so you can regain your coping skills.

I appear to have lost the art recently, why is that? It is as if I am doing it on purpose but I'm not. MIL says something slightly bizarre & I contradict her immediately. Example, On Monday she needed her lock changed, physio came & later carer. All within the same 1 1/2 hour period. Plus then I had to show her where the new lock was & how it worked. I was a bit concerned that she would be anxious/agitated by it all so after I had been back at work for 1/2 hour I rang her. She was nice & calm so I was relieved.
She then told me she'd been out, that she'd been at work with me. Did I accept that? Oh no, had to tell her that the locksmith had been etc. As soon as the word locksmith was out of my mouth I thought "how stupid am I" This was what I wanted to avoid, bringing up something that might disturb her, She'd clearly forgotten so why the h*ll was I bringing it up again!!
I was doing so well until recently. Must try a lot harder!!