I think i need some reassurance that im not being mean by not having mum to live with us. she really shouted at me yesterday and said she wanted to live with a family(she means mine). there are lots of reasons why this doesnt seem possible(my husband is not in good health,im out at work ,we have lots of stairs and no downstairs loo etc).I think it would undermine my mental health as my brother and i had a dreadful childhood and lived in what amounted to a slum and have worked to have decent homes. her constant need for attention ,even then,made us leave home as soon as poss. just to be able to do our homework or wash our hair undisturbed.even though i know having her here would be awful i still feel very bad about it. she never looked after her own aged mum or even babysat for my children for one day. i feel guilty and resentful all at once. am i being selfish? I just feel like crying after her rant . now i am ranting so apologies. although we visit her a lot its never enough for her. Now i feel like a selfish nasty person. How to overcome it and do whats best?
hit a low point
- Thread starter worn out
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Hey, carers matter too. We do our best but sometimes it is not enough. Remember that no person can be forced to look after another person. You have no duty of care - that lies with the state. Think about what is best for your mum - living somewhere that is not ideal for various reasons is not in her best interest. Often enough a care home is in someone's best interest - they have the manpower and facilities plus the expertise to adequately deal with dementia patients. Of course not every care home is as good as another but once you have found a good one, sit back in the knowledge you have done your best and in the long run she will vastly benefit from it. It is not YOU who is the baddie here - it is dementia.
Plus, if you and your brother become ill from the stress of caring, then you probably cost the state more than that care home will cost.
Plus, if you and your brother become ill from the stress of caring, then you probably cost the state more than that care home will cost.
I'm sure more expert posters will be along soon but I didn't want to read and run
You're NOT being mean. You're being sensible. Your mum isn't happy, but she wouldn't be happy living with you either. Whatever you do it would never be enough, and your own life would be destroyed trying.
That sounds harsh, I know. Give yourself some space. Presumably you were visiting when she shouted at you... take a little break from visiting. Invent a reason for not going if you can't face just telling her you can't come for a week or so - I have to go away to a conference when it's all getting too much for me!
I know what it feels like - my mum would like to live with me, and I know that I couldn't do it. Saying a firm No to a parent is hard. Remember that dementia is progressive - your mum is difficult now, it wouldn't get any easier.
You're NOT being mean. You're being sensible. Your mum isn't happy, but she wouldn't be happy living with you either. Whatever you do it would never be enough, and your own life would be destroyed trying.
That sounds harsh, I know. Give yourself some space. Presumably you were visiting when she shouted at you... take a little break from visiting. Invent a reason for not going if you can't face just telling her you can't come for a week or so - I have to go away to a conference when it's all getting too much for me!
I know what it feels like - my mum would like to live with me, and I know that I couldn't do it. Saying a firm No to a parent is hard. Remember that dementia is progressive - your mum is difficult now, it wouldn't get any easier.
Of course you're not being selfish. Your mum's wants are not more important than your families needs.
In your heart you must know it wouldn't work.
My mum was the same before she went into the CH, kept insisting she wanted to live with me & mine, but I wasn't about to sacrifice my family life on the alter of mum & I knew from experience how destructive her presence was to harmony
Please don't feel you have to justify your reasons to anyone , you don't....ever.
Give yourself a break
Lin x
In your heart you must know it wouldn't work.
My mum was the same before she went into the CH, kept insisting she wanted to live with me & mine, but I wasn't about to sacrifice my family life on the alter of mum & I knew from experience how destructive her presence was to harmony
Please don't feel you have to justify your reasons to anyone , you don't....ever.
Give yourself a break
Lin x
I had a completely different childhood from you, worn out. My parents loved me and showed it, they looked after me, guided me, protected me, smacked my bum when I was naughty - which wasn't often - and cuddled me when I was poorly. They did all the right things, for all the right reasons.
And yet, and yet ... much as I love my mam, who now has Alzheimer's, I could not have her come to live with me. I simply couldn't cope. It wouldn't be fair on me, my husband, my daughter or indeed my mam.
I hope I've reassured you.
And yet, and yet ... much as I love my mam, who now has Alzheimer's, I could not have her come to live with me. I simply couldn't cope. It wouldn't be fair on me, my husband, my daughter or indeed my mam.
I hope I've reassured you.
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No, of course you're not being selfish, but that's no reason not to feel guilty. We all feel guilty when we make decisions regarding our loved ones. You have a right to have a life, as pleasant as possible.
You are a typical woman - you've become a juggler! You're trying to juggle the needs of your Mum, your hubby, your family, your job, your work, the shopping, ironing, washing, cleaning etc.
As harsh as it sounds, your Mum's wishes can only be fulfilled if they dovetail with yours, and you're doing what you can, visiting her as frequently as time allows. Take care.
You are a typical woman - you've become a juggler! You're trying to juggle the needs of your Mum, your hubby, your family, your job, your work, the shopping, ironing, washing, cleaning etc.
As harsh as it sounds, your Mum's wishes can only be fulfilled if they dovetail with yours, and you're doing what you can, visiting her as frequently as time allows. Take care.
I think it's far better to be honest with yourself and your mum. I am full of admiration for those who are able to have their relative living with them but I know it would not work for me and my mum, either practically (no downstairs bedroom or bathroom) or emotionally. And I genuinely believe that mum would have a better quality of life in a good care home that living with us, certainly she would have more of a social life.
You would only have reason to feel guilty if you were refusing to do something that was in your mum's best interests. You can foresee the problems, she cannot. She has, from what you write, never been easy to live with. Don't go into 'rescue mode' because she is vulnerable. You have time to plan, get advice, and come up with a sustainable plan. The key word is 'sustainable', something that works for the long term, for everyone concerned.
MIL also started to drop heavy hints about coming to live with us. Our house is unsuitable with lots of stairs. She couldn't find her way around it, not even to find the toilet. On one emergency occasion she stayed the night in my daughter's care and had the household up every half hour as she roamed about opening doors, rifling through wardrobes etc. To keep her safe she needed 24/7 supervision.
She was disappointed that none of her children would let her move in to their homes. "I'll just sit in the corner and I won't be any trouble to you". She had no insight into her behaviour or care needs. We all had to support each other with emotional wobbles because it is heartbreaking to refuse to look after your parent.
Instead of thinking that the parent deserves your hands-on care in return for bringing you up, I prefer to think that we parents should support our children as our first priority. That's not to say that I haven't provided my MIL and my mum with a lot of time and care. However I would not have either of them living with me because I know I couldn't cope. I totally endorse the post from Pickles53.
You are not selfish. You are self-protecting. There's a big difference. If your mum lived with you the health and emotional well-being of at least 3 people would be damaged. Her wishes would put you all in danger. Therefore it's common sense to avoid the risk by protecting your home from invasion.
MIL also started to drop heavy hints about coming to live with us. Our house is unsuitable with lots of stairs. She couldn't find her way around it, not even to find the toilet. On one emergency occasion she stayed the night in my daughter's care and had the household up every half hour as she roamed about opening doors, rifling through wardrobes etc. To keep her safe she needed 24/7 supervision.
She was disappointed that none of her children would let her move in to their homes. "I'll just sit in the corner and I won't be any trouble to you".
She had no insight into her behaviour or care needs. We all had to support each other with emotional wobbles because it is heartbreaking to refuse to look after your parent.Instead of thinking that the parent deserves your hands-on care in return for bringing you up, I prefer to think that we parents should support our children as our first priority. That's not to say that I haven't provided my MIL and my mum with a lot of time and care. However I would not have either of them living with me because I know I couldn't cope. I totally endorse the post from Pickles53.
You are not selfish. You are self-protecting. There's a big difference. If your mum lived with you the health and emotional well-being of at least 3 people would be damaged. Her wishes would put you all in danger. Therefore it's common sense to avoid the risk by protecting your home from invasion.
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Hi Wornout,
Oh I so understand.
I went through the same stuff...trying to justify why I couldn't have mum here. I felt SO mean and guilty. Despite all the same kind of thoughts...ie mum never did it for her own mother, she wasn't the most demonstrative kind of mum etc I still felt guilty.
But, bottom line, I thought it would kill me...literally. The stress would send my blood pressure sky high and I would have a heart attack...apart from not being able to go out to work, or go anywhere ever. I wasn't prepared to do it.
Over and over again, I said to myself, just because mum says that is what she wants, it doesn't mean she can have it (or that it is the best thing for her). I can't have all the things I want either.
It is the hardest thing, to go against what your mum thinks would be nice, but you are responsible for the welfare of you and your family. If you know it wouldn't work, then you are right. You are right. Courage, my friend.
xx
Oh I so understand.
I went through the same stuff...trying to justify why I couldn't have mum here. I felt SO mean and guilty. Despite all the same kind of thoughts...ie mum never did it for her own mother, she wasn't the most demonstrative kind of mum etc I still felt guilty.
But, bottom line, I thought it would kill me...literally. The stress would send my blood pressure sky high and I would have a heart attack...apart from not being able to go out to work, or go anywhere ever. I wasn't prepared to do it.
Over and over again, I said to myself, just because mum says that is what she wants, it doesn't mean she can have it (or that it is the best thing for her). I can't have all the things I want either.
It is the hardest thing, to go against what your mum thinks would be nice, but you are responsible for the welfare of you and your family. If you know it wouldn't work, then you are right. You are right. Courage, my friend.
xx
Katrine says 'We all had to support each other with emotional wobbles because it is heartbreaking to refuse to look after your parent.' But we are not refusing to look after them, we are just doing it in a different way. We can still give them our time and love.
That old demon called 'Blame' is causing all your hurt. My childhood wasn't good either. Much of it still haunts me, even though I'm now in my 50s.
I very much doubt your any of those things you've called yourself.
I once had a drug addict wanted to come and stay here. (Met her in town, didn't know her from Adam). There was NO WAY she could have lived here with my hubby in the mess he's in.
We've got a village drunk. He stayed in our caravan one night because hubby didn't have the courage to refuse. I'm sorry to say, I would have refused. I don't like cruelty, but there's a limit.
We all know the limits of what we can put up with. I know who is welcome here, and I know who isn't. Why shouldn't I be treated with the same respect other folk expect of me? Bit candid there, I'm afraid.
Take care, and look after you.
I asked my 2 sons and their wives to promise that they would not take my husband to live with them if anything happened to me. Dementia should not destroy family life for the next generation and beyond. I also asked them to ensure he would be well looked after. I have said the same to them about me if I reach a similar state. You are not mean, selfish or anything like that. You are being sensible. Give love and keep a check. Don't give your life or your children's. Best wishes x
Hi worn out. I don't think your being selfish, just realistic. If you feel like that now and she don't live with what would you be like if she did. Have you and your mum got any help. You don't have to do all this own your own. theres always someone on tp to give advice when and if you need it. Even if its just to rant and get it off your chest, because us carers need this at some point. At least if your mums in her own place and it gets to much you can just walk out and take a step back. The guilty thing always hits the person who cares, try not to. We can only do our best. Take care lindax
We have MIL live with us. My hubby and his sisters had an awful upbringing which I could not possibly put the details on here. I have no feeling for my MIL except that of any human who needs help and caring for. It is very very hard having someone living with you who has never liked you and you have no feelings for. But for us it works. Yes I get frustrated and down but it has worked for the last 1 1/2 years
Don't think bad of not having your mum. Not everyone can have them live with them for practical or emotional reasons or just because they just don't want them. We are all different. Dementia is an awful disease and every day brings its challenges
Keep on doing what you can, you are doing a grand job. Don't beat yourself up
Don't think bad of not having your mum. Not everyone can have them live with them for practical or emotional reasons or just because they just don't want them. We are all different. Dementia is an awful disease and every day brings its challenges
Keep on doing what you can, you are doing a grand job. Don't beat yourself up
