melt down

postigen

Registered User
Nov 15, 2013
26
0
warrington
Hello everyone I am new to this forum, took a while to work it out! My husband was diagnosed 3 years ago with vascular dementia, changed in March this year to Alsheimers. I have been coping quite well, in denial I think. Maybe they've got it wrong syndrome. Today after a particular random series of cognitive malfunctions on his part I have spent the day in deep despair. We are out of our comfort zone really moved from Cornwall to the north to be near our daughter and grandchildren. While she is supportive she also works long hours. I dont know anyone else really. I go to a dementia cafe and singing group with him once a month. All dementia based activities really, there is a lot of support to tap into here I just need to start asking He is 15 years older then me and I suppose I feel that my life is on hold. I am with him for the journey of course, but realization has just hit I think. I'm rambling, rather tired today.
 

margaret g

Registered User
Nov 9, 2013
48
0
We have Worcestershire carers who support carers, please accept support from everyone,, I did!

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cragmaid

Registered User
Oct 18, 2010
7,936
0
North East England
Helllo and welcome, sorry you had to find us.:) You have a lot on your plate, a new area to learn, different family dynamics now that you are in the same area as your daughter, missing old friends, old times, old places......and for now, having your identity swallowed by your husband's illness.

In my opinion, you need to find an interest that is just yours. Music, computing,learning, yoga, swimming, books, knitting.......something, anything that you can have to make a little bit of time and space just for you.
Keep posting on here too, I have some wonderful cyber friends who keep me sane (some of the time:rolleyes:) I am so glad I found them here.:D
Speak soon, Maureen.:)
 

angiebails

Registered User
Oct 8, 2009
227
0
crewe
I too have a husband a lot older than me and some days it wake up thinking that this is what my life is now, caring for my husband with dementia. We have good days and bad but I also know I don't think I would of been able to cope if I had been the same age as him. Having youth on my side will give me strength to go on. His family are in denial but one day soon they will have to accept the diagnosis as he is 73 and started with dementia 7 years ago. Keep strong and get as much help as you can.
Angela.


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Jinx

Registered User
Mar 13, 2014
2,333
0
Pontypool
Hi Postigen, welcome to TP. Sounds as though we're in a similar situation. My husband is 18 years older than me and has mid-stage VasD. We moved to Wales 10 years ago to be near daughters but although he was only very early stages when we moved he didn't want to try to make friends or socialise so has no friends here. I work full time from home so opportunities to meet new people are limited. When we finally got a diagnosis early this year and were told he needed 24/7 supervision I took advantage of all care I could. We have a Care for Carers service here and Crossroads as well as day care where he goes twice a week. When I had a carers assessment I asked for cover to continue swimming twice a week as I have arthritis problems in my knees and also for an art class I have attended for a number of years, I also needed cover for work-related outings, which I arrange on and ad-hoc basis and have to fund myself. I am applying for direct payments from SS but it seems to take for ever. I really agree that it is important to have your own interests not just AD related, good as they may be, so do try to get as much sitting respite as you can to give yourself a break.


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postigen

Registered User
Nov 15, 2013
26
0
warrington
Thank you all, I feel better just for finding you. Some good advice I will try and act on it. Its comforting to know there are others in similar circumstances.
 

Eleonora

Registered User
Dec 21, 2012
170
0
Abingdon Oxfordshire
Hello Postigen – Yet another welcome from a TP member in a similar position to you; Husband much older; moved back to UK from France to be near daughter, who is supportive, but works long hours; husband mixed AZ/VaD for six years. Totally new area, and no close friends or transport.

I am, by nature, a cheerful and gregarious person; and have found TP to be an enormous help. Just to know that you are not alone; and that there will always be someone else who is stumbling through the brambles of life with dementia is a great comfort.

Once you have found your way around, you will see what an amazing resource TP can be.
Once again, welcome.
Leonora
 
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Annie_M

Registered User
Jun 30, 2014
35
0
South Wales
Hi there! Just popping in to say hell, I have a husband (13 years older) with VasDem just diagnosed after a stroke 4 and a half years ago. Always lived in this area though, but understand your need to connect with services for yourself. Hope you get lots of help on TP and make a few cyberpals too. :)
 

Chuggalug

Registered User
Mar 24, 2014
8,007
0
Norfolk
Hello Postigen

Cragmaid has a very good response. I use a few of her suggestions and have done throughout my journey, now around five years' long. I'm at the stage where I've accepted that this is life, now, and to be honest, it ain't too bad! It IS awful some days, but mostly, not too bad, now.

You'll get to that point, but it will be a while, more than likely.

Glad you've got the monthly cafe activity to go to. Do you get to have a proper chat with anyone when you go? That's what I miss. A proper conversation! I really do miss that, sigh...

Don't worry, I'm not gonna get maudlin on you! You do get used to these things, but if you ever fancy a chat, do pop on here. Everyone I've met are always so welcoming, as we all realise we're kind of all in the same boat together. So come and make yourself at home here, any old time. Welcome to you, and good to meet you :)
 
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postigen

Registered User
Nov 15, 2013
26
0
warrington
I really appreciate the welcome you have all given me. We have different stories but there is a common bond which i'm sure I will find invaluable as time goes on. Have had a couple of days when things seem to have suddenly deteriorated for him, ie: dressing, confusion generally and extreme tiredness. He is such an upbeat positive person and tries really hard not to get things wrong. Its hard to understand why he has not any idea of his condition but stays cheerful most of the time so maybe its the best way to be. I think I am more upset for him than me most of the time. On a different tack we have just aquired an 18 month old black lab pippa.:) we have been very sad as we lost our 2 13 year old black lab girls to cancer this year Jan then may. I was'nt going to do this but I have to say it has changed our lives for the better. She failed her training as a sniffer dog for the army, explosives/ drugs. Then became a therapy dog for young adults with mental health issues. Quite a CV for a youngster. She is amazing very watchful of him. Its a long story but I feel she found us really. He is certainly happier and calmer when she is with him. We get out walking more which is a good thing. See if we can keep it up in the winter??
 

marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,449
0
Scotland
I really appreciate the welcome you have all given me. We have different stories but there is a common bond which i'm sure I will find invaluable as time goes on. Have had a couple of days when things seem to have suddenly deteriorated for him, ie: dressing, confusion generally and extreme tiredness. He is such an upbeat positive person and tries really hard not to get things wrong. Its hard to understand why he has not any idea of his condition but stays cheerful most of the time so maybe its the best way to be. I think I am more upset for him than me most of the time. On a different tack we have just aquired an 18 month old black lab pippa.:) we have been very sad as we lost our 2 13 year old black lab girls to cancer this year Jan then may. I was'nt going to do this but I have to say it has changed our lives for the better. She failed her training as a sniffer dog for the army, explosives/ drugs. Then became a therapy dog for young adults with mental health issues. Quite a CV for a youngster. She is amazing very watchful of him. Its a long story but I feel she found us really. He is certainly happier and calmer when she is with him. We get out walking more which is a good thing. See if we can keep it up in the winter??

I am not a pet person Postigen but I feel quite uplifted that this young animal has made a relationship with your husband.

There seems to be quite a number of us who have husbands a good few years older, mine is 11 years, and I guess that is to be expected as by and large dementia is an illness of old age. At Alz groups you will only be able to have a good chat and build up friendships if your husband is occupied. I find this happens at his football groups and our allotment group. I am able to talk to others separately and I value this greatly.
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
74,001
0
72
Dundee
It's interesting to read how many people here have husbands who are older than them. Mine is 21 years older than me (mind you, although he's almost 84 he looks as if hes in his 60s!:D).

I too agree with Cragmaid. I think it is important to have our own interests if possible. I know that's not easy for everyone but If possible it does do a lot of good.

I enjoy going to the Alzheimer Scotland choir with Bill and to the art group etc but I also enjoy doing things for myself. At the cafe I find that it isn't all older people - yes it's seen as a disease of the elderly but there are also many people who have early onset dementia. The cafe is a good mix of ages.

Take the chance to join in as much as you can. I'm sure you'll benefit. x
 

BeckyJan

Registered User
Nov 28, 2005
18,971
0
Derbyshire
Hello Postigen,
Just saying hello and welcome..
I totally understand about black labs :):):) Our lovely one was a special friend to both of us but especially attentive in the later years of David's dementia.

Your Pippa sounds wonderful and I am so glad you have her (and she found you).

I am sure you will find the Forum supportive and helpful. Some fun too in the Tearoom too when you feel like it.
 

2jays

Registered User
Jun 4, 2010
11,598
0
West Midlands
Welcome from me too :)

Just wondering... This confusion he's getting... Could it be a UTI or other infection of some kind?

xx


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postigen

Registered User
Nov 15, 2013
26
0
warrington
I hope Pippa is as much a comfort to you as Ben is to me. x

I feel she will be. I had a special relationship with Molly who we lost in may. Having pippa has helped, still miss the others comes in waves. she is a lovely girl. Glad you have Ben.
 

malomm

Registered User
Mar 23, 2014
239
0
Campania Region, Italy
I feel she will be. I had a special relationship with Molly who we lost in may. Having pippa has helped, still miss the others comes in waves. she is a lovely girl. Glad you have Ben.
Hello there, and a quick welcome from me too. Sometimes it works the other way round :)
My wife is 7 years older than me, a sprightly 82 year
old, in spite of her memory having almost completely gone. She also finds great comfort when our no3 son occasionally visits with his 2 pet rescue mongrels. She treats them to biscuits and fusses over them even more than the grandchildren.
keep smiling,
malomm
 

postigen

Registered User
Nov 15, 2013
26
0
warrington
Hello Postigen,
Just saying hello and welcome..
I totally understand about black labs :):):) Our lovely one was a special friend to both of us but especially attentive in the later years of David's dementia.

Your Pippa sounds wonderful and I am so glad you have her (and she found you).

I am sure you will find the Forum supportive and helpful. Some fun too in the Tearoom too when you feel like it.

They are a blessing. Tea room sounds fun:)
 

postigen

Registered User
Nov 15, 2013
26
0
warrington
Hello there, and a quick welcome from me too. Sometimes it works the other way round :)
My wife is 7 years older than me, a sprightly 82 year
old, in spite of her memory having almost completely gone. She also finds great comfort when our no3 son occasionally visits with his 2 pet rescue mongrels. She treats them to biscuits and fusses over them even more than the grandchildren.
keep smiling,
malomm

That's good to hear. The first trained dementia dogs have just gone into homes in Scotland and changing lives which is great. thanks for the welcome. Pig
 

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