Help!!

lulubel

Registered User
Oct 17, 2013
84
0
Co Durham
As some of you will know, my mum (86, with Alz and VasD) lives with myself, my husband and 3 boys (15, 10, 7). Well, after 4 years since the last family holiday, hubby, boys and me are going on holiday, at the end of July. I broke the news to mum a couple of weeks ago, knowing that she deals with things better when she's had a bit of notice. I'd taken the precaution of booking Respite at the time too.
Mum doesn't go out much (only to the local shop 100yds up the road), absolutely refuses any carers/visitors, and refuses to go any clubs/day centres. She couldn't manage in the house on her own, so this is not an option either.
She was furious when I explained the situation about the holiday to her, and told me she was going to get a taxi from here (NE England) to London to see some friends.
I'm terrified..... she won't use a taxi for short journeys here. She gets confused and disorientated in large shops, so a strange service station with a complete stranger will terrify her.
I don't think she has the ability to book the taxi herself, but I'm wondering whether I should ring round the taxi companies to explain the situation, just in case.
Nothing more has been said about it in front of her, but the boys are starting to get excited about their holiday, and more is being spoken of.
I could just do with some advice.....
If everything went to plan and she didn't feel 'ill' etc, it could be fine, but I'm worried my holiday will get spoilt by phone call saying something has gone wrong.... which is pretty likely.
.....or do I let things drift, pack her bag, and scoop her into Respite at the last minute!!

Oh. this is so tricky!!

Thank you for listening/reading...

Lulu xx :confused:
 

copsham

Registered User
Oct 11, 2012
586
0
Oxfordshire
If it is an option it might be wiser to "scoop her in to respite". She might be better off in respite feeling and acting out "I want to go home" than being at home feeling and acting out "I am abandoned and lonely"

Would n't the taxi idea not happen? When we book long trips to airport they take card details first.

If you pose respite as a holiday for her would she go for that idea? Can you set it up like a holiday packing post cards with stamps for her to send (with help if needed), pack sun tan cream ask staff to offer it to her - my mum would fall for that but eery one is dfferent!!

Just some thoughts:)
 

Nebiroth

Registered User
Aug 20, 2006
3,510
0
It might be necessary to present it as a fait accomplis - at the last moment! Basically, you and your family ARE going on holiday and she IS going into respite care. There are no other options; the doctor has said she is not well enough to be left on her own or to travel distances, her friends are not expecting her, your holiday is booked and cannot be changed, so this is what IS happening. Your cancelling the holiday is not an option; her staying at home on her own or travelling by taxis etc is not an option.

You can sugar the pill by dressing up the respite care as a "free hotel the government offers to some lucky pensioners" or something like that.

I would also be tempted to arrange, if possible, for a social worker or someone from the respite facility to arrive in a car to collect - I think mum is much less likely to kick up a big fuss towards a stranger (if they can be in a uniform so much the better).

Calling the local taxi companies and telling them not to accept bookings from her is a good idea. I have my doubts she is actually capable of doing it though. Many with dementia have these grand plans and announcements and sadly never get started on them as they have no idea where to begin.
 

lulubel

Registered User
Oct 17, 2013
84
0
Co Durham
Thank you for your replies.
I think you've really reinforced what I thought in the first place, which was exactly what I needed!!
Thank you, thank you!! And great idea Copsham, about the postcards!! She'll love that!! Thank you!
I knew I could rely on TP friends
Lulu xxx
 
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lulubel

Registered User
Oct 17, 2013
84
0
Co Durham
Sorry, what I failed to say.....was that I have promised to take her London myself to see her friends. She's not going to miss out. Just not the week we're on holiday!!!
She's desperately trying to prove to me that she's more capable these last couple of weeks, but I'm seeing through it. I know she'll get disorientated and confused, and then THE phone call. I just want her somewhere she's safe and looked after, so I can enjoy my holiday, that's not much to ask, is it?? She thinks if she goes away, I don't have to bother with her, but it doesn't work like that? Nebiroth, you're right. I don't think she'd know where to start.....
Thank you again
Lulu xx
 
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lulubel

Registered User
Oct 17, 2013
84
0
Co Durham
I've rung round the taxi companies, and have assurances from them.
This morning Mum asked me if we'd had a conversation about a holiday! She'd completely forgotten the conversation from yesterday! Very tearfully, she seems to be resigned to going into respite, and has asked to visit the place. I've made an arrangement to visit on Friday.
Is there anything I need to remember to ask about?
What if she says she hates it?
Any good advice/love lies that I might need??
Thank you
Lu xx
 

marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,449
0
Scotland
I've rung round the taxi companies, and have assurances from them.
This morning Mum asked me if we'd had a conversation about a holiday! She'd completely forgotten the conversation from yesterday! Very tearfully, she seems to be resigned to going into respite, and has asked to visit the place. I've made an arrangement to visit on Friday.
Is there anything I need to remember to ask about?
What if she says she hates it?
Any good advice/love lies that I might need??
Thank you
Lu xx

This sounds like a really good idea and shows a degree of acceptance on her part so you must have handled it well. I think the main thing is to be upbeat yourself and tell her how nice it will be to come back for her when you have both had a rest and met new people.

Very good luck to you and your Mum.
 

copsham

Registered User
Oct 11, 2012
586
0
Oxfordshire
When visiting one thing I would establish is that they use only use female care staff for female residents

Also:
I would make sure that there is room in her bedroom for any bits an pieces she might like to take with her
Ask them about GP cover -her existing GP or there's?
Does she need to take "pocket money" or is there a residents account?
If she has a religioius faith are there arrangements made to support this?

When we commented to our mother that it "looked like a hotel".. She thought it really was. Of her own decision she decided that she was a helper. Staff were always ready to go along with these ideas.

Anyway, goodluck for Friday.:)