Hello everyone - I am a new member and care for my 86 year old Mother. As well as having cognitive impairment, she has a high degree of anxiety, which adds to the impairment. I find I get very upset seeing her the way she is and have to take various medications to help me cope with it and stay calm in her presence. I would prefer to have other ways to cope and somehow I need to get a 'thicker skin' or be more resilient. Joining this group is one way I can do that.... I would love any suggestions - thank you!
Maintaining a happy disposition when you are in turmoil underneath
- Thread starter Marmot
- Start date
Obvioulsy everyone is different but I go out for walks, or some kind of ativity every afternoon. Basically spend some time alone.
I fond that if Im not alone with my thoughts daily then after about a week I start to get really ratty.
With the weather being so nice my latest "craze" is going to the local graveyard and reading Game Of Thrones. Its noce and peaceful and although you see the occassional dog walker, you dont really get disturbed. It really charges my batteries up and I come back ready to cope with anything.
But....everyone is different.
I fond that if Im not alone with my thoughts daily then after about a week I start to get really ratty.
With the weather being so nice my latest "craze" is going to the local graveyard and reading Game Of Thrones. Its noce and peaceful and although you see the occassional dog walker, you dont really get disturbed. It really charges my batteries up and I come back ready to cope with anything.
But....everyone is different.
This is never easy...I have brought my mother to live with me as I feel she can no longer cope alone . She is mid stage and has cognitive issues and anxiety. She took a down turn in January and I have managed to separate my personal emotions by accepting that I lost "my mother as I knew her" in January. I have had many days of tears and somehow have mourned her before she dies. I now look after her more as if I were her nurse. The odd occasion where she has a better day is now a bonus which I cherish but by taking this approach I have removed the personal emotion which enables me to cope all day every day. It works for me .......most of the time.....
Mum was anguished at times earlier on in her dementia and even now can be troubled and unhappy without being able to soothe herself.
I'm a distant / visiting carer so it's marginally easier for me than it is for you.
That said, what helps me is being very hard-headed and setting my sights on what's achievable rather than what I want for my parents (Mum in mid-late stages of dementia, Dad embattled carer).
I can't make them always happy, always stop them upsetting each other, stop the slow decline in health and life chances.
I can often make life a little easier for them by providing solutions to particular difficulties and companionship, support and a listening ear on occasions. That's all I can do - and their life is better because I do it than if I didn't. It's time to remember that it's "better to light a candle than rail at the darkness".
I think we have to learn to be grateful for small mercies and refuse to focus on what's impossible.
I'm a distant / visiting carer so it's marginally easier for me than it is for you.
That said, what helps me is being very hard-headed and setting my sights on what's achievable rather than what I want for my parents (Mum in mid-late stages of dementia, Dad embattled carer).
I can't make them always happy, always stop them upsetting each other, stop the slow decline in health and life chances.
I can often make life a little easier for them by providing solutions to particular difficulties and companionship, support and a listening ear on occasions. That's all I can do - and their life is better because I do it than if I didn't. It's time to remember that it's "better to light a candle than rail at the darkness".
I think we have to learn to be grateful for small mercies and refuse to focus on what's impossible.
Have you asked social services for a carers assessment? You should Beatles to get a few hours each week where a carer will come and sit with your mum so you can have a complete break. This has been a life saver for us.
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Sent from my HTC Desire C using Talking Point mobile app
Ommmmm
Alsoconfused thanks for your philosophy. I am in need of refocusing after a very difficult day at A & E yesterday with my SIL and AD husband and then an extraordinary morning when her newly appointed carers turned up this morning and she had left to go on a bus run!
She returned an hour or so later either because she had missed the bus or was in too much pain to get on.
I feel tired in the way you do with very young children where you just want to lie down on the floor and hope they will all be quiet.
Alsoconfused thanks for your philosophy. I am in need of refocusing after a very difficult day at A & E yesterday with my SIL and AD husband and then an extraordinary morning when her newly appointed carers turned up this morning and she had left to go on a bus run!
She returned an hour or so later either because she had missed the bus or was in too much pain to get on.
I feel tired in the way you do with very young children where you just want to lie down on the floor and hope they will all be quiet.
Do a course in conjunction with the OU and other universities called Future Learn. I do know what you are feeling and at times, I find myself equally stressed. Do you have a relationship with a social worker. There is a system to deal with this called Neuro, Linquistic Programming. Neuro, what goes on in the brain/the nervous system, Linguistic, the way we use words and the way it affects our perceptions and relationship with the external world, Programming, an interactive process which allows us to make very precise choices about precise choices about the way we think, speak and feel. Find someone professional who knows something about this but warning, not a skill or process you will learn overnight, it will take time and patience.
This all sounds fairly familiar to me as my mother experiences similar symptoms, she says things then had forgotten them becomes confused despite desperate explanations. I too have shed tears if this is any consolation, like you, lost the person one knew although she has not died physically but her brain cells are not what they were and does not make sense at times and one has to puzzle, second guess and she sometimes gets aggressive because how she feels. You are not alone but when she is asleep say in the afternoon, find some occupation you enjoy Widget