Some advice please, I am very worried

cerridwen

Registered User
Dec 29, 2012
99
0
Gloucestershire
Hello all,

I have posted before; I was in the situation that my Dad has vascular dementia and my Mum was terminally ill with cancer and was Dad's carer. Mum was responding well to treatment but unfortunately she died suddenly and unexpectedly with a pulmonary embolism two days into my holiday in Spain on 02 June. Dad is having an urgent social services care assessment, his social worker has instructed the Reablement Team to go in three times a day and assess his independence. Of course, he is not independent and they have already told me there will be a care package in place at the end of it. They didn't really listen to me in the beginning when I told them where the risk areas were, but I suppose they had to judge for themselves. They have also told me they have limited funds even though he qualifies for full assistance (Gloucestershire need to save £75million on the care budget) so I am not sure what they will offer. As a temporary measure, they have agreed to make three days worth of daycare funding available to help him for a period of four weeks only (he had previously attended the Daycare Centre once a week for over a year and they want to revert to that after the assessment). The Day Centre is the only thing that seems to lift his spirits a little so I am worried if they reduce the frequency to one day a week.
The main thing that is worrying me is that, after the initial shock that seemed to galvanise him into being more talkative and proactive, Dad, he is now very down. Quite understandably!
He doesn't want to eat, he is reluctant to attend the Daycare Centre (although the staff there are good in getting him to go) and he has started smoking again after stopping for 8 years. He set the waste paper basket on fire on Saturday and burned a hole in his trousers also, I am so worried I can't sleep thinking about it! I have tried talking to him about Mum but he won't say anything and he tells me he is fine. He wouldn't be involved in the funeral arrangements or anything about Mum's affairs and wouldn't discuss it. I have had to do this by myself.
Yesterday he only had a pot noodle for lunch and nothing else. The Reablement Team and Day Centre Manager are monitoring him, particularly the smoking, eating and medications, but I am still concerned. What happens if I think the care package Social Services offer is inadequate? I am so upset about Mum and so worried about Dad that I am struggling to cope. We always knew that there would come a time when we would be faced with Mum passing away, but she was doing well and it is such a shock for both of us.
I don't know what to do as I am in uncharted territory. Any advice would be most welcome.
Jayne
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,447
0
Kent
Don`t despair until you know the worst Jayne it may not be as bad as you expect.

Your dad does seem at risk if he smokes and is careless or absent minded and I`m sure the people who are monitoring him are well aware of this.

Let them do their job and try not to worry too much. Easier said than done I know, but you need to look after yourself too.
 

gerry200

Registered User
Jan 19, 2014
45
0
Cumbria
Dear Jayne,

I have no advice except to echo what Granny G has said and just to wait and see what they come up with in terms of care. At the moment he seems to be closely monitored so you should just take the opportunity to relax while you can and look after yourself. What a terrible time you are having and my heart goes out to you and your Dad.

Lots of hugs

Gerry
 

Lottie134

Registered User
Jun 8, 2013
96
0
Hi Jayne,
I'd get dads GP to have a look at him. After loosing mum he could be depressed. MIL was same after loosing FIL, she was really out if sorts. She's now on antidepressants & they seem to have stabilise her mood. It's just a thought.:)
 

angecmc

Registered User
Dec 25, 2012
2,108
0
hertfordshire
Hi Jayne, so sorry to hear about your Mum, it must be so hard having to deal with your poor Dad while you are grieving, sending hugs your way (()) xx

Ange
 

cerridwen

Registered User
Dec 29, 2012
99
0
Gloucestershire
Dear all
Thank you for the advice and kind support, it is much appreciated. I am going to see how he is this time next week, then if he is still the same I will make an appointment for him with the GP. I don't want to disrupt the grieving process with antidepressants but I want to keep him safe so improving his mood by antidepressants might have to be an option.
You are right about letting Social Services do their work. It's not that I don't trust them, it's just that I don't really know what I am doing never having been in this situation before x .
 

Dogsbod

Registered User
Jun 25, 2014
13
0
Suffolk
Hello all,

I have posted before; I was in the situation that my Dad has vascular dementia and my Mum was terminally ill with cancer and was Dad's carer. Mum was responding well to treatment but unfortunately she died suddenly and unexpectedly with a pulmonary embolism two days into my holiday in Spain on 02 June. Dad is having an urgent social services care assessment, his social worker has instructed the Reablement Team to go in three times a day and assess his independence. Of course, he is not independent and they have already told me there will be a care package in place at the end of it. They didn't really listen to me in the beginning when I told them where the risk areas were, but I suppose they had to judge for themselves. They have also told me they have limited funds even though he qualifies for full assistance (Gloucestershire need to save £75million on the care budget) so I am not sure what they will offer. As a temporary measure, they have agreed to make three days worth of daycare funding available to help him for a period of four weeks only (he had previously attended the Daycare Centre once a week for over a year and they want to revert to that after the assessment). The Day Centre is the only thing that seems to lift his spirits a little so I am worried if they reduce the frequency to one day a week.
The main thing that is worrying me is that, after the initial shock that seemed to galvanise him into being more talkative and proactive, Dad, he is now very down. Quite understandably!
He doesn't want to eat, he is reluctant to attend the Daycare Centre (although the staff there are good in getting him to go) and he has started smoking again after stopping for 8 years. He set the waste paper basket on fire on Saturday and burned a hole in his trousers also, I am so worried I can't sleep thinking about it! I have tried talking to him about Mum but he won't say anything and he tells me he is fine. He wouldn't be involved in the funeral arrangements or anything about Mum's affairs and wouldn't discuss it. I have had to do this by myself.
Yesterday he only had a pot noodle for lunch and nothing else. The Reablement Team and Day Centre Manager are monitoring him, particularly the smoking, eating and medications, but I am still concerned. What happens if I think the care package Social Services offer is inadequate? I am so upset about Mum and so worried about Dad that I am struggling to cope. We always knew that there would come a time when we would be faced with Mum passing away, but she was doing well and it is such a shock for both of us.
I don't know what to do as I am in uncharted territory. Any advice would be most welcome.
Jayne

Hi Jayne, I am sorry to hear of your troubles. It does sound as if SS are monitoring your Dad well, but if you are not happy with the outcome i think you can dispute it. I posted yesterday regarding Mum and the assessment she had yesterday, and the replies all stated that SS had a 'duty of care', so if a care home is the only way to provide the care he needs round the clock, they have a duty to provide it. I can understand your concerns with funding, Mum will also be fully funded. The lady who came to see Mum told me that a few years ago there would have been no hesitation in placing Mum in residential care, but with budget cuts She probably won't qualify, but they might offer a 2nd day at daycare, if Mum could pay for it! Good luck with getting the help your dad needs.