This Alzheimer's is so full of surprises, isn't it? Some are just too much for us. I read of an older lady that visited her husband in a nursing home to have him announce to her that he was in love with a resident there. Whether to laugh or cry? They are definitely in another world but we have to bear it. I learned in a class that I took that they never can change, but we do, and that so we have to work very hard to keep ourselves strong. My heart bleeds for you and what you have to deal with. No one knows what this is unless they have been there. Please take care of yourself. You need your own time to rejuvenate --- important to all of us. God bless, dear one. I have always tried to tell myself, God takes away, but He has a way of giving back. So keep your chin up high, you are remarkable. Hugs.
Dreadful news from the Respite Care Home - what now?
- Thread starter Scarlett123
- Start date
I phoned the Care Home, and asked if they would take John for extra respite, possibly followed by permanent care. No problem, they said. So then I phoned John's SW, and asked if she was aware of what happened. Yes, she was, so I asked what the next move was, as I would now like him to have more respite, whilst I sorted out permanent care, and the finances involved.
Oh, I'm going on holiday tomorrow, said SW. How nice for you, I replied, and then burst into tears and asked if she could arrange the extended respite before she goes. This from the lady who told me last week that all I have to do is ask for more respite, should I ever need it.
Well, that's fine - until you ask. Oh, er, um, I don't know about that, said SW. And regarding a permanent placement, he has to be assessed at home, so you'd have to take him home. Fine, I said, do the assessment next week, and I'll bring him home for a couple of hours, though why you need to do yet another assessment, I don't know.
Oh no, she said. He has to leave the CH and wait for our decision. But the CH won't hold the room, will they, I replied. There was a silence from her end. And I burst into tears, wailing "I can't cope, I can't cope" and she said that she'd try to phone me tomorrow after she's spoken to her colleagues. And I wasn't doing myself any good by crying.
And she said "I have to go" and put the phone down.
If John has the room, with the proviso that it would be let for respite, so shared, if necessary, it could be that he'd only share the room for 2 weeks out of 52 - but he could be sharing for 50 weeks out of 52. This would be £625 a week.
But if I want him to have that room to himself, it's £750 a week. I mentioned CHC to the SW, and got short shrift over that, so I shall spend the weekend, getting all my ducks in a row, and finding out where I appeal for that.
Another battle, but at least I've got a couple of weeks of breathing space. I feel utterly drained.
Oh, I'm going on holiday tomorrow, said SW. How nice for you, I replied, and then burst into tears and asked if she could arrange the extended respite before she goes. This from the lady who told me last week that all I have to do is ask for more respite, should I ever need it.
Well, that's fine - until you ask. Oh, er, um, I don't know about that, said SW. And regarding a permanent placement, he has to be assessed at home, so you'd have to take him home. Fine, I said, do the assessment next week, and I'll bring him home for a couple of hours, though why you need to do yet another assessment, I don't know.
Oh no, she said. He has to leave the CH and wait for our decision. But the CH won't hold the room, will they, I replied. There was a silence from her end. And I burst into tears, wailing "I can't cope, I can't cope" and she said that she'd try to phone me tomorrow after she's spoken to her colleagues. And I wasn't doing myself any good by crying.
And she said "I have to go" and put the phone down.If John has the room, with the proviso that it would be let for respite, so shared, if necessary, it could be that he'd only share the room for 2 weeks out of 52 - but he could be sharing for 50 weeks out of 52. This would be £625 a week.
But if I want him to have that room to himself, it's £750 a week. I mentioned CHC to the SW, and got short shrift over that, so I shall spend the weekend, getting all my ducks in a row, and finding out where I appeal for that.
Another battle, but at least I've got a couple of weeks of breathing space. I feel utterly drained.
Well, good for you girl, girding your loins already! I was infuriated for you when I read what she said to you when you were so distressed.........how .......(not allowed to swear).... dare she! You stick to it and prove her wrong. Hope she enjoys her holday. Keep us posted. love X Shelagh
As rathbone says, hope she enjoys her holiday after all that's the most important thing in HER life isn't it. Can't have her nuisance clients spoiling that. Perhaps someone will do the same to her one day and she will understand the upset unthinking words can cause.
Sent from my GT-N5110 using Talking Point mobile app
Sent from my GT-N5110 using Talking Point mobile app
I phoned the Care Home, and asked if they would take John for extra respite, possibly followed by permanent care. No problem, they said. So then I phoned John's SW, and asked if she was aware of what happened. Yes, she was, so I asked what the next move was, as I would now like him to have more respite, whilst I sorted out permanent care, and the finances involved.
Oh, I'm going on holiday tomorrow, said SW. How nice for you, I replied, and then burst into tears and asked if she could arrange the extended respite before she goes. This from the lady who told me last week that all I have to do is ask for more respite, should I ever need it.
Well, that's fine - until you ask. Oh, er, um, I don't know about that, said SW. And regarding a permanent placement, he has to be assessed at home, so you'd have to take him home. Fine, I said, do the assessment next week, and I'll bring him home for a couple of hours, though why you need to do yet another assessment, I don't know.
Oh no, she said. He has to leave the CH and wait for our decision. But the CH won't hold the room, will they, I replied. There was a silence from her end. And I burst into tears, wailing "I can't cope, I can't cope" and she said that she'd try to phone me tomorrow after she's spoken to her colleagues. And I wasn't doing myself any good by crying.
If John has the room, with the proviso that it would be let for respite, so shared, if necessary, it could be that he'd only share the room for 2 weeks out of 52 - but he could be sharing for 50 weeks out of 52. This would be £625 a week.
But if I want him to have that room to himself, it's £750 a week. I mentioned CHC to the SW, and got short shrift over that, so I shall spend the weekend, getting all my ducks in a row, and finding out where I appeal for that.
Another battle, but at least I've got a couple of weeks of breathing space. I feel utterly drained.
Oh Scarlet!! Oh, *(assorted bad words!)*
What is it with these people who are supposed to HELP people in your situation?? What the h*** do they think they are paid for? I do agree though that now is the time to be proactive about this. And what is this nonsense about having to take him home to assess him? You start telling every detail of your own op, and how you simply cannot cope with John at home now. He (and you) wouldn't be safe, tell them - so they have been warned, and you are making them aware! That will shift them, because once you have made them aware, if it all goes horribly wrong, they will be responsible.
Hi Scarlett
Frankly it doesn't sound to me as though that social worker was very experienced or knowledgeable. I know that they do have to get agreement from managers etc, so can't usually give you an immediate reply. But the way to help you is to listen to you and others like the care home manager, build a case and then put that to her manager.
Maybe you'll be better off with someone else while she's on holiday anyway!
And....I see no reason why John should have to share a room per se, nor do I understand why he would have to come home for an assessment. Sounds to me like she was bluffing
Anyway I'd best stop now before I get done for libel.
Thinking of you. Stick to your guns, we're all behind you
Take care
Lindy xx
Frankly it doesn't sound to me as though that social worker was very experienced or knowledgeable. I know that they do have to get agreement from managers etc, so can't usually give you an immediate reply. But the way to help you is to listen to you and others like the care home manager, build a case and then put that to her manager.
Maybe you'll be better off with someone else while she's on holiday anyway!
And....I see no reason why John should have to share a room per se, nor do I understand why he would have to come home for an assessment. Sounds to me like she was bluffing
Anyway I'd best stop now before I get done for libel.
Thinking of you. Stick to your guns, we're all behind you
Take care
Lindy xx
Where would I be without TP? I'm going out for dinner tonight, for the first time in, I thought, 2 years, but have been informed by one of the group that I'll be meeting that it's much longer than that, because I bought her a card and a pair of bootees to celebrate her becoming a Grandma, the last time she saw me. And the child in question started school last September!
Anyway, needless to say, the SW didn't phone, so I phoned her at 3 to find that she'd gone home, preparing for her holiday, which I more or less expected. So I asked if I could speak to someone who knew about John's case, and the woman I spoke to said she was fully up to date, and understood that I was very distressed over it, and was that right?
I stopped myself from saying "you stupid ****, of course I'm distressed!" and just started crying, and tried to talk, but the words just won't come. "There, there" she said, "we're going to try and sort things out next week, and in any case, we understand you wanted to have the meeting in the Home, instead of your home, and that's being discussed".
So I explained that I also wanted the opportunity to talk without John present, and that my daughter would be accompanying me, and would explain about her Dad's sexual advances and language to her, on the day I left her with him, whilst I was at a funeral.
Silence. So I asked if she knew about that, and she didn't, to which I responded that I'd explained this to the holidaying SW, and I thought everything was documented. She didn't reply but said that all this would be taken into account. I said that if it wasn't sorted out rapidly, I would like further respite, until it was, because I just couldn't cope with things. Then I cried again, and she said "the team" would be in touch next week.
I explained I didn't want to lose the room, and she said that the very fact they could offer respite, must mean they had spare accommodation. Yes, I said, one room which John is occupying, but they wouldn't keep that free for weeks on end, in the fond hope I'd be taking it "some time". "Well, they might", she said. "They're a business, not a charitable concern, and if they have spare capacity, they'll want the income in the bank, and not a chance they might fill it". No reply.
If I can't get a positive outcome, I'm going to pay for another 4 weeks respite myself, whilst I battle with The Powers That Be, as that'll give me breathing space. I'd expected John would be going to a higher costing respite for this 4 weeks that I'm in the middle of, and that I'd have to pay out thousands anyway, so it's worth it. God, I'm knackered.
Anyway, needless to say, the SW didn't phone, so I phoned her at 3 to find that she'd gone home, preparing for her holiday, which I more or less expected. So I asked if I could speak to someone who knew about John's case, and the woman I spoke to said she was fully up to date, and understood that I was very distressed over it, and was that right?
I stopped myself from saying "you stupid ****, of course I'm distressed!" and just started crying, and tried to talk, but the words just won't come. "There, there" she said
, "we're going to try and sort things out next week, and in any case, we understand you wanted to have the meeting in the Home, instead of your home, and that's being discussed".So I explained that I also wanted the opportunity to talk without John present, and that my daughter would be accompanying me, and would explain about her Dad's sexual advances and language to her, on the day I left her with him, whilst I was at a funeral.
Silence. So I asked if she knew about that, and she didn't, to which I responded that I'd explained this to the holidaying SW, and I thought everything was documented. She didn't reply but said that all this would be taken into account. I said that if it wasn't sorted out rapidly, I would like further respite, until it was, because I just couldn't cope with things. Then I cried again, and she said "the team" would be in touch next week.
I explained I didn't want to lose the room, and she said that the very fact they could offer respite, must mean they had spare accommodation. Yes, I said, one room which John is occupying, but they wouldn't keep that free for weeks on end, in the fond hope I'd be taking it "some time". "Well, they might", she said.
"They're a business, not a charitable concern, and if they have spare capacity, they'll want the income in the bank, and not a chance they might fill it". No reply.If I can't get a positive outcome, I'm going to pay for another 4 weeks respite myself, whilst I battle with The Powers That Be, as that'll give me breathing space. I'd expected John would be going to a higher costing respite for this 4 weeks that I'm in the middle of, and that I'd have to pay out thousands anyway, so it's worth it. God, I'm knackered.
Strewth Scarlett, you must be worn out with the constant strain of all this. My heart goes out to you.
The more I read about the problems with social services the more dismayed I am but I don't believe that people become social workers in order to indulge some sadistic power syndrome but that once qualified they must be shocked to find that they are simply there as gatekeepers to ever reducing resources. I blame Thatcher and so-called Care in the Community which never could work while funding is constantly cut time after time. It must be soul destroying work, not that that makes it any easier for those who suffer the impact of those cuts.
I do very much hope that matters get sorted to your satisfaction soon. x
The more I read about the problems with social services the more dismayed I am but I don't believe that people become social workers in order to indulge some sadistic power syndrome but that once qualified they must be shocked to find that they are simply there as gatekeepers to ever reducing resources. I blame Thatcher and so-called Care in the Community which never could work while funding is constantly cut time after time. It must be soul destroying work, not that that makes it any easier for those who suffer the impact of those cuts.
I do very much hope that matters get sorted to your satisfaction soon. x
Where would I be without TP? I'm going out for dinner tonight, for the first time in, I thought, 2 years, but have been informed by one of the group that I'll be meeting that it's much longer than that, because I bought her a card and a pair of bootees to celebrate her becoming a Grandma, the last time she saw me. And the child in question started school last September!
Anyway, needless to say, the SW didn't phone, so I phoned her at 3 to find that she'd gone home, preparing for her holiday, which I more or less expected. So I asked if I could speak to someone who knew about John's case, and the woman I spoke to said she was fully up to date, and understood that I was very distressed over it, and was that right?
I stopped myself from saying "you stupid ****, of course I'm distressed!" and just started crying, and tried to talk, but the words just won't come. "There, there" she said
So I explained that I also wanted the opportunity to talk without John present, and that my daughter would be accompanying me, and would explain about her Dad's sexual advances and language to her, on the day I left her with him, whilst I was at a funeral.
Silence. So I asked if she knew about that, and she didn't, to which I responded that I'd explained this to the holidaying SW, and I thought everything was documented. She didn't reply but said that all this would be taken into account. I said that if it wasn't sorted out rapidly, I would like further respite, until it was, because I just couldn't cope with things. Then I cried again, and she said "the team" would be in touch next week.
I explained I didn't want to lose the room, and she said that the very fact they could offer respite, must mean they had spare accommodation. Yes, I said, one room which John is occupying, but they wouldn't keep that free for weeks on end, in the fond hope I'd be taking it "some time". "Well, they might", she said.
If I can't get a positive outcome, I'm going to pay for another 4 weeks respite myself, whilst I battle with The Powers That Be, as that'll give me breathing space. I'd expected John would be going to a higher costing respite for this 4 weeks that I'm in the middle of, and that I'd have to pay out thousands anyway, so it's worth it. God, I'm knackered.
Well, at least this SW sounds a bit more with it. Don't say too loudly though that you will pay yourself for more respite, unless it becomes absolutely necessary. Otherwise, you won't be a priority!
Crikey Scarlett
No wonder the replacement SW was dumbstruck once you told her about your Daughter; that should have at least been documented. It probably means the CH were not informed either.
I do so hope this SW is more sympathetic than the last one.
Sympathy from me and hugs
Take care and enjoy your night out
Lyn T
No wonder the replacement SW was dumbstruck once you told her about your Daughter; that should have at least been documented. It probably means the CH were not informed either.
I do so hope this SW is more sympathetic than the last one.
Sympathy from me and hugs
Take care and enjoy your night out
Lyn T
As I write Scarlett I hope you are having a really good time with your friends, with lots of gossip and lots of laughs. You are an inspiration to us all. You keep going girl" X Shelagh
Well my dad has been in his care home for a year and a half. 6months after going there he made friends with another lady resident it was a rather passionate friendship to start with and they were found in compromising situations a few times I felt for the carers .nothing happened more than a little passion, thankfully other family understood and laughed as they understood carers were on alert and used distraction techniques which worked thankfully.
Now when I visit they are mostly sitting together, hand in hand and talking about the same thing over and over but not the wiser to that fact I think they both gain from the friendship. My mum still cannot visit but knows dad has a friend to talk to, which is all we say. I think in a way it has become a comfort that he has someone to talk to. My dad is 89 so there is still life in the old dog which is something to smile about now but must admit was a big worry to begin with .
In time hopefully things will settle down and work out
it was a rather passionate friendship to start with and they were found in compromising situations a few times I felt for the carers .nothing happened more than a little passion, thankfully other family understood and laughed as they understood carers were on alert and used distraction techniques which worked thankfully.Now when I visit they are mostly sitting together, hand in hand and talking about the same thing over and over but not the wiser to that fact I think they both gain from the friendship. My mum still cannot visit but knows dad has a friend to talk to, which is all we say. I think in a way it has become a comfort that he has someone to talk to. My dad is 89 so there is still life in the old dog which is something to smile about now but must admit was a big worry to begin with .
In time hopefully things will settle down and work out
Dear Scarlett.
I was really moved reading about this. I'm sorry I have no practical suggestion to make - other people on TP have so much more experience and knowledge than me. But I did want to say that I think you are wonderful dealing with this incredibly upsetting and stressful situation and wish you all strength. I do hope that you are having a nice night out. My goodness you deserve a break.
All best
Minet
I was really moved reading about this. I'm sorry I have no practical suggestion to make - other people on TP have so much more experience and knowledge than me. But I did want to say that I think you are wonderful dealing with this incredibly upsetting and stressful situation and wish you all strength. I do hope that you are having a nice night out. My goodness you deserve a break.
All best
Minet
Hear, hear I second that! Scarlett you are putting up with so much, hope you were able to relax and enjoy yourself this evening and the news is better next week. x
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No I won't, that'll only be if all else fails. Had a wonderful evening out, and actually went mad and had a couple of white wine spritzers!
No I won't, that'll only be if all else fails. Had a wonderful evening out, and actually went mad and had a couple of white wine spritzers!
Great to hear this Scarlett
Thinking of you Scarlett. Hope it all goes well.
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Sent from my GT-N5110 using Talking Point mobile app
