What to say to father with dementia about his wife's death

[sixtysomething]

Hi

My family has a dilemma that I hope you good people can help us with.

My 93 year old mum died two months ago. She had dementia and died at home as she had always wanted. Her and dad had been married for 75 years. Dad, also 93, also has dementia which wasn't as bad as mum's but since she has died he has become much worse. He is no longer able to live independently and we have sadly taken the decision to put him in a care home which is lovely and we are very happy with it although dad doesn't understand why he is in there.

Our problem is that dad keeps asking where mum is. We tell him that she has died and at first he was distraught and asked why nobody had told him. We say that of course we did tell him and that he went to the funeral but he just doesn't take it in and ten minutes later we go through the same conversation almost word for word. He is less emotional now but no less confused. The carers in the home say that we shouldn't tell him that mum has died but to distract him and say things like 'you will see her again' but we don't agree.

If anyone has had any experience of this we would be grateful for their comments. It is heartbreaking for us to see dad like this and we are still mourning the death of our lovely mum.

I hate this disease.

 

[marionq]

If you keep telling him she is dead he will live the pain over and over. If you say she is shopping, visiting friends, at the hairdresser he can accept and move on until the next time. Which is better for him? It's not about what seems right for you but what is kinder for him.

 

[Rathbone]

Marionq is absolutely right, as indeed are the care home staff. It's time for some "love lies" as they are called on TP. Just as children simply need the answer when they ask a question, your dear dad only wants that too. He wants to be reassured and what possible harm could it do for him to "know" that his partner of so many years has just popped out. If he were to know you are telling lies, then it would matter, of course, but he does not. Nor will he ever. Let him have some peace this way. Just be sure that everyone is telling the same story and let the staff know that you have decided this way is the best. My heart goes out to you all. What a very heavy burden you have carried in your lives. Time now for you all to let things be the way they are. Loving thoughts. X

 

[Vesnina]

When my mother - after sleep and still sleepy, or... - asks for her late husband,
I just say that he is not here now...
This is not a lie - so she cannot recognize it as a lie from my voice...
but reassures her and calms her down...

Warm hug from my side, dear Sixtysomething

 

[FifiMo]

Hiya and welcome to Talking Point.

Your dad must be feeling very confused these days with all the changes that have taken place. From your perspective, and what most of us have ended up having to do, you need to find the simplest ways of reassuring him that he can take in and you can repeat over and over again if necessary. If this involves little white lies then so be it as long as it stops him from being distressed. If he asks why he is where he is then blame the Dr. Tell him the Dr wanted him to have a break and have someone look after him. If he starts about wanting to go home then tell him you'll speak to the Dr about it. Keep it simple and avoid long explanations. Make sure that the nursing home staff adopt the same story too.

You might find this thread is useful as it gives some good tips on things that you can do to help someone with memory problems and also gives you some insight as to how things are from the sufferer's point of view too. http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/show...ionate-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired

Fiona

 

[Mun]

My dad is 91 with AD/VasD & 3 years ago my brother(his son), was hit by a car,D suffered a catastrophic head injury & as a family a decision was made to switch off his life support machine. My other siblings "kindly" nominated me to tell dad,their reasoning being that because I'm a nurse,I was the best person to do it ???? NOT
I did tell dad what had happened to D & he was obviously extremely upset & distressed & a few weeks later when dad asked me if I'd seen D,because he hadn't been to visit, I made a decision to use a love lie,clearly dad had forgotten what I'd told him about what had happened to D & I'd learnt by then that by continually repeating distressing news to someone with dementia,they react to it as though they are hearing it for the first time. Dad's dementia has significantly deteriorated since D died & communication from him is very limited,but on the very rare occasion that he says D's name,I say I haven't seen him in a long time,which in love lies,I haven't.
And rightly or wrongly,I made a decision @ the time of D's death,agreed by my family,that dad wouldn't go to D's funeral.
Just thought I would share my families experience of this sad situation if it can help others

 

[CollegeGirl]

Hello and a warm welcome from me, too. I'm so sorry to hear about your mum's death, and now the sad situation with your poor dad.

I too think it would be kinder for your dad to think that your mum had just popped out for a while, rather than being told the truth and be devastated all over again, every time.

My mam used to ask about her brothers and sisters - all now gone, sadly - and this was the sort of thing we had to do. It's hard, but not as hard as seeing the repeated upset that the truth causes. Mam doesn't mention them very often now.

I hope you can find the strength to do this kindness for your dear dad, despite the anguish it will cause you in your grief.

Best wishes x

PS - I hate this disease, too xx

 

[Linbrusco]

I am sorry to hear about your Mums passing and your Dad.

My Mum at this stage can still remember the fact that her parents have passed.
She just can't remember at what age, when or what from exactly.
So far I just tell her the facts, but I know at some point this will change and she won't remember that they have passed and I will have to tell these love lies also.

My Dad is due to go into hospital soon, for a minor operation. Minor op, but necessary or will lead to kidney failure.
Something that has been talked about often as Mum will have to stay at my sisters for up to a week.
Last week after taking dad to his GP, Mum accused of us not telling her at all.
She didn't know Dad had a problem with his bladder & kidneys, didn't know he was going into hospital.. what was wrong with him, was it serious etc
Now this proved to be quite tricky because in this instance it wasn't something we could exactly lie about, other than stress to her it was minor and not serious.
I'm sure the same conversation will come up again soon.

I have learnt to tell Mum whatever comes to mind to prevent anxiety, distress and panic, which at times takes a great deal of thought before I open my mouth.

 

[Beate]

I know you mean well but please don't tell your Dad over and over that his wife has died - it's like he is hearing it for the first time and will experience the grief over and over. Listen to the good advice here and distract him - yes, it's lying but it's in his best interest.

 

[jawuk]

The choice is between your knowing that you never told your Dad an untruth, and telling him that his wife of 75 years is dead, again and again and again. When you think about it that's not a choice at all, is it.

 

[Wolfsgirl]

When I realised my Mum had forgotten Dad had passed away and she would ask about him in the present tense, my stomach would go into knots and I would try not to cry and feel awful not wanting to lie but not wanting to cause hurt. At first, my brother kept reminding Mum and I explained how I felt that was cruel and did no good in the short or long term so what was the point.

Now, with practice we are both better at dealing with it i.e. 'have you seen your father today? - no not today! How is your father? he is fine! 'What did he say to you? - mind the roads!' or sometimes I will respond with something more personal he would say to her like 'can I have a roll Pauline?' - I promise the smile you sometimes get is so worth it! My Dad was a bit too busy to visit Mum yesterday but she is having the best holiday ever!!!

So sorry for your loss, it is very hard and now you have this to deal with on top of everything.

Best wishes x

 

[Witzend]

When my FIL first started asking where his dead wife was, we did the same as you, explained gently that she had died. And he would be terribly upset, only to forget and ask again later, and again...

We soon changed tactics, to avoid such pointless distress for the sake of truth - what on earth did it matter? It was not hurting anyone. We started telling him she had just popped to the shops, or she'd just gone to see so and so, and he'd be quite happy, which to us was the most important thing.

Like most of us I was brought up to think lies are always wrong, but I have never once regretted it or felt remotely bad about fibbing to him. It was far kinder than distressing him with the truth, over and over.

 

[Bramble68]

When my grandma got worse with her dementia, and forgot grandad had died and was asking for him, once only my mum said he was dead, without really thinking. Grandma was distraught, so thereafter we all simply said he wasn't home, or stretched it a bit and he was still at work, or something. These situations are the only ones in which I condone lying - it really does make things so much easier for the patient themselves, you have to ignore your conscience and do what makes life more peaceful for your loved one.

A xo

 

[jawuk]

" Like most of us I was brought up to think lies are always wrong "

That's what my Mum told me until her friend asked me when I was 6 if I liked the new dress she was wearing. Once the friend had gone home my Mum told me that bald truths are often hurtful, serve no purpose and can really upset people and that I should answer by saying something true and nice even if it doesn't answer the question. So instead of, 'No I don't like it, it makes your chest look fat' I should have said 'It's a nice colour'.

We all tell that sort of 'lie by omission' and if anyone deserves to have their feelings considered it's bereaved sufferers of memory loss. imho.

 

[Inot1]

My mum died last year - ravaged by severe dementia . Dad declined quickly and has had to go into an aged care home for his safety.
He does not remember that mum his wife and best friend of 66 years has died. He does not recall the funeral. He keeps asking where she is. At first we gently discussed her death and each time he would relive the sad emotions of her death. It seemed not to be a good idea. We now say “she is out shopping - you know how she loves shopping’ or we say “ she has gone to tennis”.
We choose activities that she often did and he seems to accept these explanations. These are white lies but it seems to be helpful.

 

[Shedrech]

hello @Inot1
a warm welcome to DTP
my condolences on the death of your mum; such a loss for your family
and something so hard for your dad as his memory can no longer hold what has happened
you sound to be doing well by him ... I agree that white lies are often the kindest way for the person, though tough sometimes on the one having to be careful with the truth

just to let you know that this is a thread from some years ago .... I hope reading around DTP is helping .... and that you'll start a thread of your own when you're ready