What next..what shall we do?

snowygirl

Registered User
Jan 9, 2014
151
0
HI

Im really not sure where to start but once again I feel completely out of my depth and just not sure what to do. Dad has Alzheimers(diagnosed Jan) and since last Fri has a number of other physical things that need addressing so has a number of appointments coming up to deal with. Mum has had a brain scan and is waiting for the memory clinic and is dad's main carer. She too over the past three months has developed more physical problems including Lymphoema in both her legs and has to visit the GP every other day for a dressing to be changed. She also has a heart condition. Basically they are not coping and things have got bad in the past two weeks. Dad appears to have worsened and is due to have his meds upped but mum is getting in such as state with all her appointments(any practical advice here?) and with dad's constant strange behaviour. None of us siblings live close in fact I'm the farthest away at 1.5 hrs drive but I try to get to see them every other week or week if I can. My siblings do the same. I've just contacted the social worker who came out to see them in February because things have worsened and although in Feb they put on a brave show and pretended all was ok I'm hoping this time things will be different. I asked her for advice which she didn't give that much of but she did say that she would go and see them on Thursday which is good as dad will be in his Cognitive T group so mum will be alone. I'm hoping she may open up to her but I don't know. Mum and dad eat ok but I know their clothes need washing and the house needs a real good clean which I've tried but mum wont let me do anything. Can anyone suggest what may happen now with the social worker or what can we do or set up as a family? I just don't know the next step but as a family we feel the next step must be taken. What happens when two parents both have dementia but want to stay in their own home and with each other? I feel like I should be doing more but mum does put up barriers and even at the age of 49 she can scare me!! I love my parents and I hate what is happening to them. Sorry to rant on but after a distress call from my sister I need to get this all out!!
 

JayGun

Registered User
Jun 24, 2013
291
0
I really don't know my lovely. I'm a bit rubbish and haven't been able to get my MIL any help whatsoever except, eventually, some medication - so I'm not going to be any help at all.

Except that by replying this will bump up to the top where it's more likely to be seen by TP members who have more of a clue than me.

I clean my MIL's house and change beds etc when she visits her friend every week. Do your parents have any standing arrangements like that when you could get a cleaner in?
 

jawuk

Registered User
Jan 29, 2014
260
0
Lutterworth, Leicestershire
Hi Snowy, what a terribly unhappy situation for your dear parents to find themselves in, and for you and your siblings too. I can tell the weight of responsibility and anxiety you're carrying and only wish that I could help. Sadly I can do nothing other than offer my commiserations and suggest that you contact AgeUK and tell them of your quandary but others will be along here soon who will be able to give you more specific advice.
 

WIFE

Registered User
May 23, 2014
856
0
WEST SUSSEX
Hello Snowy. I'm a little surprised that the G.P. has not been more proactive - perhaps you could arrange to have a talk with him/her about the situation. Have you signed a form which allows you to talk to the medical profession about your parent's health?

When your Mother goes to the Memory Clinic - try to be there if you possibly can - they should be able to give you advice.

Good luck - it must be hard for you living such a journey away.
 

snowygirl

Registered User
Jan 9, 2014
151
0
Thanks for your kind replies. Yes it is a very difficult situation especially with both parents! We have a fairly good relationship with the GP surgery but even so getting information isn't always easy. I arranged to meet my mums GP with her last week and made the journey only to find they took mum in 15 mins early without me and then couldn't see me! I was extremely angry how often does anyone get into a Gp appt early? im going down there tomorrow to be with mum when she has her leg dressed so I will see if I cAn find out answers and make an appt to see her GP. We have all the forms signed and weve been through the memory clinic with dad so we know how important it is to be there. Im hoping the social worker will come up with a few suggestions to help us move on.
 

Anniewragby

Registered User
Mar 20, 2013
46
0
I just wondered if your Mum would accept help with cleaning etc from a "cleaner" rather than you...I do know haw difficult your situation is as both my parents have dementia too. I tended not to ask permission but present them with "the new cleaner starts tomorrow" type statements.I used Age UK homecare service - they can clean,do laundry, shop and just chat which worked well for us.My parents are now together in a care home - but not many homes have double rooms so it might pay to start that line of research now.......
Good Luck
 

snowygirl

Registered User
Jan 9, 2014
151
0
Thanks Annie that's very helpful I do think we are going to have to be more 'forceful' with mum instead of giving her options. The social worker would have been into mum today we didn't forewarn her so that no 'preparations' were made!! I'm hoping she may have been able to convince mum to listen to us more and perhaps had a better response to suggesting help in the home. I like your idea of 'the cleaner' and I'm listening to you about the double room in a home. I've already found myself checking out (only on the web so far)a few residential homes. I'm glad that your parents were found care together.
 

Lily2789

Registered User
Nov 10, 2013
22
0
Hi
I find it hard to believe that your dear Mum visits the surgery every other day to have her legs dressed. Your Mum isn't in the best of health I would have thought the District Nurse should visit to dress her legs, that would take a little pressure off her. Just a suggestion x


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Gany

New member
Oct 25, 2020
5
0
You are somewhat just behind our situation albeit it’s my mother who has dementia. Both are fiercely independent 86 and 90 years) and only tolerate carers doing meds, nothing else. Result is we were just about able to keep a lid on things . But last week had to turn gas cooker off as Mum no longer safe cooking. Both parents now very anti carers and are being abusive to them! We set up a temp kitchen in an outside office near backdoor for carers but mum still has access to cold food in kitchen fridge so tries to prep salad every night first then they refuse the food the carers bring in. We realise we can’t reason with her but my Dad isn’t helping.
Carers have tried their best but when they ( parents) refuse help it seems there is very little you can do until you get a crisis situation. That’s what the GP and others involved in Dementiacare have told us. We have done all we can but my parents are just making life hard for everyone . My mum can’t be reasoned with and my dad is just getting selfish and nasty. Sad to see them like this . Might be time for some tough love. I’m starting to realise you can’t get them to live how you consider they should and to prepare for residential care for atleast one of them.