I Seem to Keep Setting Her Off .... Need Advice

[katem8498]

My mom has early dementia and we cannot seem to talk over the phone without my angering her. Yesterday is a good example. I called to check in and she began to tell me that the Meals On Wheels Program (delivers meals to homebound, elderly once a day) is awful. That the food has expiration dates that are 3 days overdue.

Not thinking clearly (I realize this now) and trying to find a reason as to why this would be so, I said to her "well, it might be possible that these were stamped before the food was put in them. I know ... very stupid on my part. But, I was honestly trying to figure it out. She started screaming at me that I always try to make trouble and that I always want to be right. Then she said "the food is horrible and I feel sorry for people who have to eat it". To this, I said, call my brother (he is the one who got her on the program), and tell him to cancel it, then. Again, she got very angry and said to me, what makes you think I cannot do it? Why do you always tell me to call him to do things? So I told her I was sorry. Then she said, I don't want to talk about this anymore and she hung up.

I am always left thinking "did I say something to upset her"? Or is it that she has the very early dementia? After all, I am stressed out and frustrated and it could be me.

She was never an angry person all her life and her disposition has changed so much. The thing is I can't distinguish between her being grouchy over being ill (also has serious heart disease which has her homebound and in bed a lot of the time and not feeling well at all) OR my ways setting her off.

How do I NOT set her off in the first place? I really feel like I don't want to talk to her anymore and getting tired of being yelled at and having the phone slammed on me.

Thank you

 

[Anniewragby]

This must be really upsetting for you and as I'm sure others will agree, it's the dementia speaking. I'm afraid that my tactic when "talking " with my Mum is to say yes and agree a lot and then check things out ( where possible ) later. You will find yourself having the same conversations over and over so "no comment " is the best way to go!
I hope someone else will come up with some better advice soon,
Keep smiling

 

[Anongirl]

Hi Katem8498. From my experience with my own mum in the early stages there is a lot of frustration. My mum used to hate it if I suggesting doing things for her, as if I was suggesting she was unable to do things for herself anymore (which of course she was losing the ability to do).

Mum needed carers to come in eventually and help her do her meals which again she hated. This came to a head when I had to get rid of her cooker because she kept leaving the gas on. I have never heard her so angry with me and upset.

Unfortunately I had to find ways of making her feel like she was still in control as time went on but in reality she wasn't. It became harder and harder to keep the peace between us as I clearly made her frustration with everything much worse by trying to help.

She is further down the line now and living in a care home where she is starting to accept that she needs help (though still finding that concept hard to deal with!).

We get on much better though because I'm not 'interferring' anymore. I can simply visit and take her for walks and talk about nice things rather than dealing with problems.

I know this doesn't help you at all but it can get easier xxx

 

[Nebiroth]

If it's dementia then you probably can't avoid setting her off. What you can do is to take control of the situation. If she starts abusing you on the phone, just politely but firmly indicate that the conversation can remain civil or it can end. Just say something like "I am sorry you feel that way but if you don't stop shouting and being nasty at me then I am going to put the phone down"

You will never be able to be in the right and reasoning won't work, but at the same time you don't have to be a punching bag.

You'll feel guilty for doing it, but then you feel that way anyway, right? And it's better than that horrid shakey feeling you get because you're right back to feeling like a naughty child receiving a telling off, yes?

Remember, you have done nothing wrong!

 

[Jessbow]

How is she with your brother?

we went through this some time ago. it basically boiled down to the fact that I was the one that was asking her to do things ( its time for a shower/go to the loo etc) and bro wasn't- he came in , made and drank tea with her and made no demands on her.

That earned him the nickname ''Golden wotsits''

 

[garnuft]

You're a different being from me Kate.

I never thought it was my fault, I never took the blame on my shoulders.

I'm an awkward ****** though and so it's not in my nature to blame myself unfairly.

I always knew it was Dementia + Mam (and I am my mother's daughter, she could cause a fight in an empty house).

Your Mam has never been an angry person, you are your mother's daughter...it is dementia that is changing her.

That's so sad for both of you.

I would be scared if I had dementia and I'm afraid I think I would be a very angry person, it wouldn't surprise my family but I think when one has been a peaceful, quiet person all one's life, that dementia's strike must be a double blow to those who love.

I wasn't surprised at my Mam's times of challenging behaviour, rather it made me wonder at her control.

It is an illness of the brain, it's not your Mum's fault and it most definitely isn't yours, my best advice to you is to harden; learn all you can about it and then you'll know...

she doesn't mean it, she loves you still, she can't help it.

Chin up, it's hard but you CAN do it. xxx

 

[katem8498]

I want to thank all of you for your replies. Everything helps. One reason she may be taking it out on me as opposed to my brother or husband is because they literally spend 2 or 3 minutes talking to her and only a couple of times a week. I call almost daily and we talk longer because I know she has issues .. suffering, pain, fear of the future, etc.
I am beginning to see that she is getting angry at others. The Meals on Wheels man came and rang her bell over and over for some reason and when she got to the door, she screamed at him and really let him have it. I asked her why and she said that he made her very very nervous. In the past, she never did this kind of thing. Her approach, it at all, was kind and courteous. Then my brother called another day and told her to go out ... she might feel better and she screamed at him "if I could go out, I would" and he got upset with her. So it is happening with others.
I find that talking with her at day's end is far better than earlier in the day. She is calmer at night and we can carry on a fairly decent conversation for a bit. So I continue to learn what works/what does not.
It is still so hard to believe and I believe the self-blame comes from seeing this radical change in her and from denial of what is causing the change. If, I can point to myself and say "it is me" causing this, then I can also say, there is nothing wrong with her. She is okay. Blaming myself may be a way of MY maintaining control over the whole thing ... my denial ... it is me, not her. Does this make ay sense?

 

[2jays]

Perfect sense

Thinking of you xx