Mother in law just diagnosed with Alzheimers

[ameliasaunt]

Hi - am new to this forum. My other half and his brother have decided their Mum needs to be with one of us so we are building an annex on the side of our house as his brother doesnt have the room to do this. We want to keep her out of a care home for as long as possible but wondered if anyone had any experience of doing something like this and any good advice?? My family think we are taking on too much as we both work full time but we cant leave her in her own house as she is very isolated and vulnerable. Are they right??

 

[marionq]

What are the alternatives? Employ carers in her own home, employ carers in your home while you are at work, pay for a care home, apply to SS to have her placed in a care home at public expense.

All or some of these might be ruled out straight away depending on her finances and your willing ness to pay.

 

[legolover]

If she is in this annexe to your house, you will find it easier to keep an eye on her day to day, but she will still be on her own while you are at work. This may be ok for a while, depending on her level of need. You may need to think about getting carers in to check on her, or do some of the care. How will you manage her meals? What will you do when you go on holiday?

What is her present housing? Does she own it? You would be wise to get power of attorney sorted if you havent already done so.

It is a lot of responsibility to take on...is she in full agreement? If your own family are against it, you will likely not be able to expect much in the way of practical help from them.

 

[ameliasaunt]

Thanks for your responses. We dont want to go down the avenue of a home at the moment. She has been very responsive to the idea of coming to ours as she finds her house and garden too big to look after, has difficult memories attached as she lost her husband while living there, as well as the fact it is quite isolated. She also loves our two cats!

My partner is now considering taking redundancy so could be here every day and his cousin would come and stay if we ever manage to get time for a holiday. The boys are looking into power of attorney and already have to be involved in any transactions through the bank. My family are just worried about the stress but we both believe its the right thing to do.

 

[Trisha4]

There are important steps which help whatever the circumstances. Getting lasting power of attorney while she can still agree to it is so much simpler than if you leave it. One of you learning as much as possible about dementia is also really helpful. There are courses run by the Alzheimer's society. She is probably also entitled to attendance allowance which is not means tested. Age concern will help complete the forms.
There are memory cafés in most or all areas. Attending one of those will provide additional information.
I wish you well whatever your decisions are.

 

[Winnie10]

I gave up work to look after my mum. Got Lasting POA sorted straight away. Got Mum assessed for Attendance Allowance, Applied for Carers Allowance for myself. Asked for day care for one day (so I could have a day off) Joined local Alzheimers Group, we go to their drop in cafe/ singing once a month and also their activities group once a month, we go on trips with them. I also joined the local carers group.

I thought of the situation as a business venture. The client (Mum) needed stimulation (the joining of groups) the worker (me) needed some payment, a day off, and a group of people for support and advice who understood what life as a carer was like. Also joining this forum, reading how others have coped with various situations.

18 month down the line things are going well. I give her little jobs to do folding things, polishing brass ornaments. I take her to garden centres, to the airport to watch planes, play games like Ludo, Snakes and Ladders, visiting National Trust Gardens - (this week we went to a teddy bear picnic).

We do things together but I also make sure I still get time to meet friends either when mum is at daycare or ask friends can they come our house.
I'm not saying looking after someone is easy (My Mum is like looking after a 3 year old) she is 84. But I don't feel stressed I take one day at a time.

My business approach might work for you? What would your "client need" in their new office (your annexe)

 

[Trisha4]

I gave up work to look after my mum. Got Lasting POA sorted straight away. Got Mum assessed for Attendance Allowance, Applied for Carers Allowance for myself. Asked for day care for one day (so I could have a day off) Joined local Alzheimers Group, we go to their drop in cafe/ singing once a month and also their activities group once a month, we go on trips with them. I also joined the local carers group.

I thought of the situation as a business venture. The client (Mum) needed stimulation (the joining of groups) the worker (me) needed some payment, a day off, and a group of people for support and advice who understood what life as a carer was like. Also joining this forum, reading how others have coped with various situations.

18 month down the line things are going well. I give her little jobs to do folding things, polishing brass ornaments. I take her to garden centres, to the airport to watch planes, play games like Ludo, Snakes and Ladders, visiting National Trust Gardens - (this week we went to a teddy bear picnic).

We do things together but I also make sure I still get time to meet friends either when mum is at daycare or ask friends can they come our house.
I'm not saying looking after someone is easy (My Mum is like looking after a 3 year old) she is 84. But I don't feel stressed I take one day at a time.

My business approach might work for you? What would your "client need" in their new office (your annexe)

I really like your approach Winnie. I guess I reacted in a similar way although I didn't think of it like that. My husband, now aged 67, was diagnosed with Alzheimer's early last year. For me, having some control makes me feel better. There are still lots of things we can do together including travelling which we both love. One thing I did which I would add to your list is a 2 day CrISP course which added to my knowledge and understanding. We might both have harder times ahead but I am determined not to spoil today worrying about tomorrow. I'm picking up the same idea from what you say. Best wishes x