What to do - if anything?

[optocarol]

We live in a retirement village and once a week have a happy hour for neighbours, which is in a different house each month.

My OH has Alz, I am suspicious one of the neighbours is going the same way. Anyway, my OH nearly always sits beside her and it has become a "thing" where they talk to each other in the usual teasing, which has become suggestive, way. Yesterday, she was holding his hand, which didn't bother me too much, but when she was outside, leaving, I heard him say, "Wouldn't a cuddle be better?" Better than what, I don't know!

I'm thinking I should maybe have taken to sitting between them somewhat sooner, but to be honest, don't want to sit by her all the time as just hear the same thing over and over and I can get that at home! We have been here for 18 months and she's always been the type who tries to dominate the conversation and has no insight, it seems, into other people's feelings.

Any ideas/thoughts welcome.

 

[Grannie G]

What a predicament!

Perhaps you can arrive latish and hope all seats near this person are taken.

 

[optocarol]

What a predicament!

Perhaps you can arrive latish and hope all seats near this person are taken.

Yes, that is my plan for next week. It's at her place, so might work. OTOH, no-one else wants to sit by her much either. Have confided in another neighbour, so she will try and help.

Thanks for replying.

 

[Rathbone]

Sorry, I've only just seen this. My advice would be to confront it straight away. I can see that otherwise you are likely to miss out on this event because it will likely become more and more difficult to say anything, and you will avoid going. You are already planning to do a sort of musical chairs - without the music. If you can and he will comply, tell your husband how difficult it is for you to witness this and please would he stop. Tell the offending lady that you do not wish her to behave in this way. Please don't fall into the trap of accepting this because you don't want to upset people who are poorly. Speaking for myself, I would find this intolerable (I'm sure that already shows!) and you have more than enough in your plate already, don't add to your stress by accepting what you clearly find unacceptable. With kind thoughts and wishing you good luck. Let us know how you get on. X

 

[optocarol]

Sorry, I've only just seen this. My advice would be to confront it straight away. I can see that otherwise you are likely to miss out on this event because it will likely become more and more difficult to say anything, and you will avoid going. You are already planning to do a sort of musical chairs - without the music. If you can and he will comply, tell your husband how difficult it is for you to witness this and please would he stop. Tell the offending lady that you do not wish her to behave in this way. Please don't fall into the trap of accepting this because you don't want to upset people who are poorly. Speaking for myself, I would find this intolerable (I'm sure that already shows!) and you have more than enough in your plate already, don't add to your stress by accepting what you clearly find unacceptable. With kind thoughts and wishing you good luck. Let us know how you get on. X

Thanks, Rathbone - however I don't think confrontation will work this time, maybe in future. I say this because this is now 4 days ago nearly and I'd be very surprised if he remembered what I'm talking about. At times he can't remember what I said 5 minutes ago.
I'm not accepting it, which is why I talked to neighbours, who are happy to help by preventing their sitting together. Will see how it goes and report.

 

[Rosie2]

Thanks, Rathbone - however I don't think confrontation will work this time, maybe in future. I say this because this is now 4 days ago nearly and I'd be very surprised if he remembered what I'm talking about. At times he can't remember what I said 5 minutes ago.
I'm not accepting it, which is why I talked to neighbours, who are happy to help by preventing their sitting together. Will see how it goes and report.

Hi optocarol
My oh became a terrible flirt ( never flirted in his life before, only had eyes for me) even the nurses at a hospital appointment remarked upon it. I smiled and joked that I ignored it. (Not,hurt like hell)
Once in the opticians when hubby was being fitted with his glasses a lady from one of his clubs (her husband was nearby) appeared and after a kiss remarked that my oh was her boyfriend. An embarrassed silence....followed by me saying " oh well I'll have to divorce him now"
I'm glad to report that this phase has passed. I understand the feelings though and hope this phase passes for you soon.

 

[madamet]

Hi optocarol
My oh became a terrible flirt ( never flirted in his life before, only had eyes for me) even the nurses at a hospital appointment remarked upon it. I smiled and joked that I ignored it. (Not,hurt like hell)
Once in the opticians when hubby was being fitted with his glasses a lady from one of his clubs (her husband was nearby) appeared and after a kiss remarked that my oh was her boyfriend. An embarrassed silence....followed by me saying " oh well I'll have to divorce him now"
I'm glad to report that this phase has passed. I understand the feelings though and hope this phase passes for you soon.

I would find this very difficult. My problem is more often that my husband becomes amorous to me in inappropriate situations or when I am too tired stressed to respond.He also has some off putting habits which make it difficult for me to feel amorous in return.I always try to be as kind and loving as possible but my husband really often wants more than I feel I can give.I find my husband's decline all tjhe harder I as he used to be really brilliant and very musical.I feel guilty about this but it is hard for me to adapt.I looked after my dad who had cancer and my mum who has Alzheimer's and now I am facing this. I feel overwhelmed by all this.

 

[Rathbone]

Hi again Madamet. (See other post) This "trick" seems to be to meet it head on, keep steadfast, look after yourself and hold on tight, to yourself and to the hands which are reaching out from TP whenever you need them. that's how most of the rest of us are getting by. Loving thoughts. X

 

[Rathbone]

Hello Optocarol. How is everything going, especially with the social situation? Thinking of you. X

 

[optocarol]

Hello Optocarol. How is everything going, especially with the social situation? Thinking of you. X

Hi Rathbone,

Yes, had happy hour last night at said neighbour's place. When we got there 10 minutes late, 2 other neighbours were seated one each side. At one point, she said, "I can't reach you," to OH,to which he said something like, "Just as well." Also a bit later there was talk about no man in her bed, which OH responded to, but I smacked his leg, and changed subject. (She has said this numerous times before, repeats herself constantly.) Other neighbours are supportive and so will continue on this plan. Another neighbour gave me a little pat on the back on the way out, which I took as a 'we're with you' kind of thing, which was nice.
Thanks for enquiring.

 

[Rathbone]

That's such good news, and long may it continue. Be vigilant and enjoy yourself. Keep in touch whenever you need to, we would love to hear from you.X