Should we move our mum?

[Millerz]

We are reaching out for some advice from others that may have had this similar situation with a close relative with dementia.

Our mum, my mother in law, lives in North Devon and we live in Gloucestershire and her other son lives in Brighton. So we have a 3 hr journey to her and her other son has a 6 hr journey and she suffers with Dementia.

I would say that on a scale of 1-10 where 1 was just an older person that is forgetful and that is due to old age to 10 being needing full time care for dementia that she is about a 3-4 so not really in the 'later stages' as such, but she does get a little disorientated from time to time and is very forgetful with her dementia. Her health is generally pretty good and she seems happy enough but she doesnt go out of the house at all other than her weekly taxi trip to the coffee morning that she really loves. She is 90 and has had daily carers that pop in twice a day to make sure that she takes her medications.

Although things are manageable now, things will only go one way and we are trying to understand the pros and cons of moving her to an elderly people residential area, that has a warden and is for over 60s that is literally 5 mins away from where we live and where our two young children go to school (age 7 and 5).

The main concern is if the move to an unfamiliar surrounding will make her dementia worse and she will deteriorate quickly or if with the right advice and way of doing things that she will be happier seeing us several times a week and we can really be a major part of her care plan. At least we can be on hand when the major decisions with things need to be made in the years to come.

Of course it would be good to hear from anyone that has a similar situation and they decided to keep the distance for the sake of not moving them for the reasons above and how you coped with the distance and handling care when things got tough.

We do want to do what is best for her, of course, it is just whether it is best for her that we are around her more often than every 6 weeks, and at what point etc.

thanks.

 

[BR_ANA]

I dont know. Is she ok with carers? Is she lonely? Does she have friends who help her on neiborhood? Does she want to move?

 

[Grannie G]

Hello Millerz

Welcome to Talking Point.

You really do have a quandary . Moving your mum could increase her confusion while not moving her may eventually put her at risk as her dementia progresses.

Have you discussed this with her carers, her GP and Social Services if they are involved. Perhaps, knowing your mum they can give you a better idea.

 

[meme]

things wont stay the same..they never do. You can discuss this with uncle tom cobley and all including gp etc etc but I would move her as soon as
...there will be new coffee mornings....and you will have completed a big step in her and your future lives.....

 

[elizabet]

Does your Mum have friends who visit her? Can she cook/look after herself or do her carers do these things for her? Is she safe in her own home or is she deteriorating?
is she willing to move? Can she understand why you wish her to move?
Facing a similar situation with my late Mum I moved her in to a care home in her own town as she still had friends there who I knew would visit her. It meant me driving 200 miles up to see her every month but if I had moved her down to be in a care home near me she would have only had me visiting her . Her very good friends were able to take her to their house too for meals some days and she remained within a mile of where she was born and lived all her life until her recent death at 90.

 

[fremington6]

Hi have only just seen your post. We have recently decided to move to be nearer to our son. It was not an easy decision and involved discussions with all the family, our current healthcare professionals and research on my part with alz soc and other carer groups I am involved with. Funnily enough 8 years ago we moved to the south coast from north devon where we had lived for 40 years to be within an hour or so from our three sons. Subsequent to this one son went to Australia, another to Singapore and the third moved elsewhere in the uk and he is the one we will live near. My first instinct was to go back to devon but on balance decided to make this final move. I personally shall miss all the friends we've made where we are now as we did those many friends in devon. Quite honestly if you are sure that you will be happy with the care being provided where she is now and will get the required support let sleeping dogs lie. I am 71 my husband is 76 and in his 6th year of diagnosis and I wish we had stayed in devon to be honest. Starting again at our age is tough. Wishing you well.

 

[Rathbone]

I'm with Meme here because there is nobody like family. When the chips are down, that's who care the most and who will stand at your side and fight your corner. Don't delay......let her enjoy time with your young children and with the rest of her loved ones. She will make firm, fresh roots in a new place. Moving affects the most balanced of us so she is bound to be wobbly at first, but with you close by and the prospect of being embraced into new beginnings and at a time in the progress of her illness when she can still play a full and active part with encouragement, it has to be the right way to go? Onwards! I'm sure you will all be rewarded. X

 

[Rathbone]

Sorry - finger trouble - that face should be a Smiley! So here are some more X

 

[Raggedrobin]

This is such a common problem, with families spread out so much. I was putting my mum in a care home and couldn't decide whether to move her near me. In the end I have her near her old home and I am currently staying up there to be near her. Obviously with young children that's not an option for you.

I felt my mum had a sense of place, so she still has views of the hills from the nursing home and old friends visited her until she got very ill. I also felt there are subtle cultural differences. At the home near me, they had loads of images of the seaside area there, which would actually have been completely unfamiliar to my mum. Where she is, she is surrounded by things which are more culturally familiar to her, the nearby town, the hills, the fields and when carers talk to her she knows the areas they are talking about.

One big concern I would have is that if you move her, you may end up having to do it twice. A residential place with a warden will not eventually be adequate for someone with dementia and she may have to then move to a care home. having to make 2 moves might be very hard for her and I think very disorientating. So I am not saying there is a right or wrong about this, but I think you need to bear in mind what might be the very long term, not just the medium term, as it were.

 

[AnnieG]

This is my first post on here, having benefited from reading the posts of others for some time.

2 years ago my mother was living alone, 200 miles away from me, and although still in the early stages of dementia was struggling to cope. She actually asked me to find her a flat close to where I lived, but initially I hesitated as I was afraid that the change of surroundings would be detrimental to her. I sought advice from various professionals but opinion was divided. I have no siblings, most members of our family live overseas, and those in the UK do not live close to either Mum or I. Mum's friends were helping her if they could, but many were elderly themselves and no one could offer the kind of help Mum really needed. Carers came in once a day to help with medications.

Ideally I would have liked to have moved Mum into an assisted living flat near to me, as I felt the more help that was on hand, then the longer she would be able to live there. My local social services would not offer her such a place as she was not already living in the area, and there were nothing similar in the local private housing market. There was a block of retirement flats 3 minutes walk from me however. I was totally honest with the manager about Mum's dementia, and after meeting Mum, she agreed to let Mum buy one of the flats.

Mum coped with the move very well and settled into her new flat, but I do believe her dementia progressed faster than it might have otherwise. Previously she had been able to catch a bus and go shopping, although it was becoming an increasing struggle. Now, with shops only 2 minutes walk from her front door, I soon realised she would never manage to go out on her own again. The retirement flat offered many social opportunities and the other residents were a friendly bunch. Mum's short term memory issues made her shy away from all of it, but then she had started to withdraw from her friends in her old home town. I did in time find social activities aimed at dementia and a wonderful day centre. She was always very anxious about going to these, but once there was in her element. I do feel sad that she never sees old friends though.

It was hard for Mum adapting to new carers, doctors, dentists, hairdressers, etc, and it took time to build a really good support team. I increased the use of agency carers but chose to be Mum's main carer myself. I was self-employed and took on less and less work, eventually putting my career on hold. It was a struggle to keep Mum safe and cared for in a retirement flat, and one has to consider the safety and well being of other residents too. Just as questions were being asked as to the suitability of this accommodation for her, 2 infections struck within a month, both needing hospitalisation, leaving her in a very physically weak state and catapulting her into the advanced stages of dementia. Sadly she is now in a care home.

I have never doubted that having me so close by has meant the world to Mum. Why did I decide to move her - someone one day said to me, "You must make a decision you can live with". Each person with dementia has their own unique journey to take - and their carers too. I wish you and your family all the very best in whatever decisions you make.

 

[Witzend]

Pre dementia, and also in the very early stages, my mother often said she wanted to move to a 'little flat' and we looked at several retirement type properties with a warden on hand. But when it came to the point, she never actually wanted to do it. Her house was not in fact too big or unmanageable, since she had very sensibly downsized after my father died, and she stayed there until finally moving to a care home. But it was not ideal, since none of us was just around the corner - I was 60 miles away. My brother was only about 20 minutes' drive away but he was very busy and increasingly stressed with her constant phone calls, although he was very good and did call in a lot. Sister was a 5 hour drive away so while willing she was unable to help much.

When it finally came to a CH we were lucky enough to find a good one just a 5 minute drive from me. It is great to have her so close, both for visiting and for not infrequent visits to A and E after falls - I can zoom down to the hospital, which is conveniently between my house and the CH. At 89 when the move was made my mother no longer had any friends near her former home, and in any case had become reclusive and very unwilling to leave the house at all, so it really made no difference where the CH was.