I haven't Been Able to Speak to Mama for a While

[21citrouilles]

I haven't been active at TP for some months.

I had personal difficulties of my own, having lost a longtime friend to a horrible death, trying to get over the shock and grieving.

My mom, who has had a mix of vascular dementia and a bit of Alzs for four years, has been living at a great NH for 14 months now; she well cared for safe, well fed and in better health and spirits. But the disease keeps progressing. By an unfortunate quirk, the illness seems to take a turn for the worse during each new spring season.

Some months ago, I started to feel at loss during our telephone conversations, as she spoke less than before; she kept wanting to get off the phone as fast as possible. Speaking of the past helped, perking her up a bit; I always took time to tell her how much we love her, how nice and pretty she is, how important she is to us. Once in the middle of our conversation, she forgot who I was and called me madam.

The head carer told me that it was hard for her on the phone, as she's not seing the person and gets confused fast. She said that in contacts person to person, she's more alert and able to express herself, remembers everybody. Unfortunately, I live 1,200 kilometers away and can only manage a yearly visit, sometimes two.

Some weeks ago her sister (my aunt) and my cousin came from the US and we had a great meeting. I related this to mama and I was amazed at how she almost sounded her old self - her voice and her mind were more alert.

Since this conversation I haven't been able to get her on the phone - she doesn't pick up.

This disease makes me realise that when I think something is difficult, worse is waiting to happen.

Since she became ill, I've been grateful for each time that I managed to speak with her on the phone, knowing that this wouldn't last forever. Now I fear that the time is fast approaching that we won't have this anymore and it breaks my heart, as it's the only contact that we had, being so far away from each other.

However I anticipated this, I feel that I'll never be prepared for that break. How will she know that I love her? I'm missing the sound of her dear voice.

The people at the NH know her well and willingly give me details of how it is going for her, I know that she's safe there, but it's not the same.

It's heartbreaking.

 

[Izzy]

Good morning Citrouilles.

How terribly sad, indeed heartbreaking. I am so sorry too hear about the loss of your friend.

I was wondering if there is anyway the care home could facilitate you talking to your mother using Skype. Perhaps if your mother saw you it would help her to have a conversation with you. I know that might be hard to organise but I'm sure I've heard if it happen in care homes before. She would need access to a computer of course but perhaps the staff could allow her to sit at an office one once a week or so.

Just a thought.

Take care.

 

[copsham]

Hello Citrouilles,

"This disease makes me realise that when I think something is difficult, worse is waiting to happen"

TP makes me realise if I think that my situation is difficult there is someone whose situation is much more difficult.

So sorry to hear about your tragedy and on top of that the distance from your mom. I have no words of wisdom just lots of kind thoughts going your way.

 

[kingmidas1962]

Hello 21c - for anyone who thinks distance caring is less difficult your posts illustrate how incredibly hard it can be. My first thought was also Skype, or even Face time if there's an Apple device anywhere in the home that could be used, and one you could be on at the other end. It may not be possible, or may be too confusing for your mum - I just wondered if there's any possibility it might work? Thanks for taking the time to post on my thread too, I always appreciate your help xxx

Sent from my SM-T210 using Talking Point mobile app

 

[cragmaid]

Hi, welcome back. I'm so sorry about the loss of your friend......as the song sort - of says....a good friend is really hard to find........and even harder to lose.

I know that my Mum no longer recognizes the telephone ringing in her room as being relevant to her. She just doesn't " hear" it. This is someone who spent at least 2 hours every evening speaking with friends. She loved to speak with my sister in Africa. Because she now has very limited movement, she cannot reach her phone one the other side of the room, and no, a cordless phone wouldn't help. Mum is blind, and could not see the phone to press the buttons or to hang it up on the stand to close a call.

When I am with her I can use my cell and ring my sister, but after two minutes Mum has lost the thread.
I'm paying a line rental for a phone which never gets used, but I would feel really mean if I removed the phone from her room.

If you were to go back to writing aerogrammes, would someone in the CH read them out to her? That might help, because she could have a bit re-read until she understood it. But, of course......you will not hear your Mum's voice.

 

[21citrouilles]

Good morning Citrouilles.

How terribly sad, indeed heartbreaking. I am so sorry too hear about the loss of your friend.

I was wondering if there is anyway the care home could facilitate you talking to your mother using Skype. Perhaps if your mother saw you it would help her to have a conversation with you. I know that might be hard to organise but I'm sure I've heard if it happen in care homes before. She would need access to a computer of course but perhaps the staff could allow her to sit at an office one once a week or so.

Just a thought.

Take care.

Thanks for your words. I tried to arrange Skype before but got no response from the NH. I'll try again, contacting the manager.

 

[21citrouilles]

Hello Citrouilles,

"This disease makes me realise that when I think something is difficult, worse is waiting to happen"

TP makes me realise if I think that my situation is difficult there is someone whose situation is much more difficult.

So sorry to hear about your tragedy and on top of that the distance from your mom. I have no words of wisdom just lots of kind thoughts going your way.

Doesn't matter if you have no words of wisdom; your reponding matters.

There's always someone who has it much harder - the problem is that disease which never stops wuth the blows. Thank you.

 

[21citrouilles]

Hello 21c - for anyone who thinks distance caring is less difficult your posts illustrate how incredibly hard it can be. My first thought was also Skype, or even Face time if there's an Apple device anywhere in the home that could be used, and one you could be on at the other end. It may not be possible, or may be too confusing for your mum - I just wondered if there's any possibility it might work? Thanks for taking the time to post on my thread too, I always appreciate your help xxx

Sent from my SM-T210 using Talking Point mobile app

Thanks for your suggestions, and your words of understanding and compassion, friend. I've never been an invisible, just living far away, involving myself as much as I could in helping my brother and SIL.

I spoke yesterday with one of her carers at the NH, hearing good news and explanations of why she doesn't answer the phone. Her carers are all quite caring, compassionate and know all about her - and this contact by proxy makes me feel closer to mama and comforted me.

I'll try again with the Skype. Take care dear.

 

[21citrouilles]

Hi, welcome back. I'm so sorry about the loss of your friend......as the song sort - of says....a good friend is really hard to find........and even harder to lose.

I know that my Mum no longer recognizes the telephone ringing in her room as being relevant to her. She just doesn't " hear" it. This is someone who spent at least 2 hours every evening speaking with friends. She loved to speak with my sister in Africa. Because she now has very limited movement, she cannot reach her phone one the other side of the room, and no, a cordless phone wouldn't help. Mum is blind, and could not see the phone to press the buttons or to hang it up on the stand to close a call.

When I am with her I can use my cell and ring my sister, but after two minutes Mum has lost the thread.
I'm paying a line rental for a phone which never gets used, but I would feel really mean if I removed the phone from her room.

If you were to go back to writing aerogrammes, would someone in the CH read them out to her? That might help, because she could have a bit re-read until she understood it. But, of course......you will not hear your Mum's voice.

Thanks for your response. Your situation is similar regarding the phone. My brother wanted her line removed, but I don't have the heart for it, and it's quite basic, doesn't cost much.

I'll try with writing a message of love in a card weekly, so at least she'll know that I think about her.