Is it worth the effort?

Carrie Anne

Registered User
Sep 7, 2011
67
0
Wiltshire
Lovely day today so I rang mum and said I'd be over with a picnic and we'd go out for a while.

We had a lovely drive mum full of beans enjoying the countryside. We enjoyed the picnic, the rhododendrons a short walk and a detour home to take in some pretty villages. When we arrived back at her house she slumped into her chair and commented on what an awful afternoon she was having.

This seems to be the way it is now, we go out, we enjoy things while we're ther and then she walks through her front door and the switch in her head is flicked and she slips into a deep gloom. I'm beginning to think it's just not worth the effort taking her anywhere as it just makes her so upset when she gets home.

She knows she's can't manage things anymore, refuses more than one visit from a carer - struggles to know why she needs this- and won't consider trying new activities/groups. She keeps saying she's going to have to move on, but when I try to discuss the future she gets angry and tells me that this her home, how dare I suggest she moves. The afternoon ended with her telling me that my father is probably looking down from on high shocked that I never do anything to help. I do everything.
 

stanleypj

Registered User
Dec 8, 2011
10,712
0
North West
This must be very upsetting Carrie Anne.

Yet you know your mum enjoyed the countryside and the picnic. Also, she got some exercise.

The fact that when she gets home, she forgets the enjoyment you have provided doesn't alter the fact that she had that enjoyable time. If you hadn't taken her out she would not have had the enjoyment - and neither would you have had the satisfaction of knowing that you are enriching her life, making it better 'in the moment' which is where she lives now.

It's very, very hard. But just think what every one of her moments would be like if it weren't for your efforts.

You are improving her life in a way that, probably, no-one else could. You should be so proud.:)
 

marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,449
0
Scotland
How about a digital camera with you or even your phone camera. Take some snaps and then sit with her to remind her of what you have just done. Plaster some printouts around the house to show how involved you are in her life.

When I did something good my mother used to say "you'll get your reward in Heaven" so you concentrate on that too - your Dad will approve of what you are doing.
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
73,996
0
72
Dundee
i totally agree with Stanleypj. You are adding so much to her life. She is enjoying 'the moment' as it were. I know how hard it is when you're coping with all of this and your mum is saying you do nothing. It's just too easy to say that it's the disease not the person but it is the fact of the matter.

I'm glad you can share how you feel on TP. As you know there will always be someone here to listen and empathise with you. Try to relax a bit tonight. Easier said than done but do try and give yourself a big pat on the back.

Take care. x
 

PeggySmith

Registered User
Apr 16, 2012
1,687
0
BANES
Carrrie Anne, it really is worth going out and enjoying the moment as others have said. MIL can't go out any more but I really treasure the memories of our last few outings.
 

jaymor

Registered User
Jul 14, 2006
15,604
0
South Staffordshire
Carrie Anne those moments are precious and wonderful. My husband is now well passed going out and I hang on to the brief moments when he smiles or laughs. Just seconds really but for those seconds he has some enjoyment.

Your Mum will have had a lovely time and though forgotten soon afterwards, she DID have a lovely time. Money can't buy the pleasure you are giving.

Jay
 

sistermillicent

Registered User
Jan 30, 2009
2,949
0
You just have to live in the moment, I had similar with my mum, she would be so difficult when we got home from a good outing that i generally got thrown out or hit or something. I am afraid I stopped taking her out in the end.
Incidentally photographs to say what we had just done would only have made things worse as I would have been accused of lying. It was never worth trying to make her remember anything, she just couldn't, the memory wasn't there anywhere.

Keep doing things as long as you can, even a few happy moments together are worth it, for both of you.
 

dottyd

Registered User
Jan 22, 2011
1,063
0
n.e.
You just have to live in the moment, I had similar with my mum, she would be so difficult when we got home from a good outing that i generally got thrown out or hit or something. I am afraid I stopped taking her out in the end.
Incidentally photographs to say what we had just done would only have made things worse as I would have been accused of lying. It was never worth trying to make her remember anything, she just couldn't, the memory wasn't there anywhere.

Keep doing things as long as you can, even a few happy moments together are worth it, for both of you.

Maybe she suffers from depression and when she gets home it's her way of saying she's unhappy at being back in her own home where nothing seems to happen.
 

Merrymaid

Registered User
Feb 21, 2014
304
0
Hi Carrie Ann I sympathise with you in this. I try to take Mum out every day, she lives with me, even if it's just for a drive around the beautiful countryside where we live. She will be happy & chatty, (often with made up stories) while we are out. Sometimes she even says 'thankyou I enjoyed that', then she will go to her room take off her coat etc come back and say 'I never get to go anywhere, what's the point?'.

Stunned silence on my part as I swallow the retort that wants to fly from my lips!!!! :)
 

sunray

Registered User
Sep 21, 2008
1,486
0
East Coast of Australia
If she could retain the memory she would react differently. I had the same with my Mum. Our trips together lasted as long as they lasted, then instantly they were forgotten and like your Mum she went back to gloom. BUT the staff said she was so much brighter later, humming a tune, being more interested in those around her.

Maybe there is a kind of residual happiness that comes back later. It is hard to say how worthwhile it all is but at least the fresh air and the vitamin D she gets while she is out must be a boost to her health if nothing else.

And I had those memories to look back on even if she didn't.
 

Carrie Anne

Registered User
Sep 7, 2011
67
0
Wiltshire
Stunned silence on my part as I swallow the retort that wants to fly from my lips!!!! :)

This is the biggest struggle, I try to diffuse the situation, change the subject, make tea, escape to the garden etc, but the constant negativity when you're trying so hard to make things better for someone........I nearly always crack in the end and make things 10 times worse.
 

piedwarbler

Registered User
Aug 3, 2010
7,189
0
South Ribble
Dear Carrie Anne - I agree with Sister Millicent. I stopped taking Mum out as it got too distressing for her. It was easier to keep her in her room where she was less anxious. Mum also took citalopram which lessened her anxiety and I think it really helped her a lot.
Take care x
 

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