Nearly got very angry this morning

[Ann Mac]

Getting Mil to day care has never been the easiest. I've posted before about the difficulties we have, and though we always manage to get her there, some days it remains incredibly hard work.

I have to add, by the way, that as soon as we arrive there, she brightens up, walks in with a great big smile, greets and is greeted by everyone really warmly, and 99% of the time tells us that she has had a lovely day there, when she comes home. I've checked - lots of times - with the staff, and they I think find it hard to believe that she is so reluctant, when all they see is her interacting and clearly enjoying herself!

This last week, she has been really reluctant to go - yesterday, it was tears, tears and more tears and claiming she was frightened - but today took the biscuit.

I went upstairs to wake her. Knocked - no reply. Knocked again - and this time went in. Mil was lay on her side, her lips covered in spit and her hands clenched into claws above the covers. Her lips were moving, but no sound. I rushed over, her hands and arms as stiff as a board, faintest of whispers - she felt 'odd' - I went flying for hubs, convinced she had had a stroke.

But as hubs came in she whispered that she thought he had gone to work - voice more than a tad stronger than what she had used when speaking to just me. Hubs told her she had 5 minutes - and if she wasn't up, he would call the doctor - outside her room, he told me quietly that he thought she was faking

5 minutes, I went back in, she was still in the same position - so I said 'Right - better phone an ambulance and get you to hospital'

She moved then !!!

She continued insisting she was ill, but managed to pack away a really good breakfast - even trying for seconds after I had managed to get her upstairs and washed and dressed. The 'weak' whisper remained, she complained of aches in a dozen different places, a 'fuzzy' head, you name it - and she finally said, as I got her in the car, that she thought that we wouldn't make her go if we thought she was ill !!!

Honestly, it was all I could do not to really shout at her. When I went into her earlier, and found her lying like that, my heart all but stopped - I really was scared that something very serious was wrong - and here she was, more or less admitting it was a ploy to get out of going to the day centre.

How on earth, when half the time she isn't sure where she is or who we are, can she manage to plot and execute something like that? She scared the living daylights out of me, and all she was bothered about was that it hadn't worked.

Oh - and she walked into the centre and told the staff that she had been 'looking forward to going today'

 

[Di Lavers]

I can sympathize. Every time I want to take mum somewhere she has an illness. Had a break booked in devon to see relatives - on the morning we were to go she wasn't well enough. I cancelled. In the afternoon she was fine and wanted to go out. I was fuming because I lost the money for the hotel. I know take no notice if she says ill. I sometimes feel awful what if she is ill. I called nos direct on one occasion they said go to hospital who told me nothing wrong and that I was over reacting.

It is awful for you.

 

[Witzend]

Well, you must be a lot kinder and more patient than me, that's all I can say. If that had been me I think I'd have said, 'If you ever, EVER, do that again you will go straight into a care home!' I might well have added 'And good riddance!'

Yes, of course I would have felt bad afterwards, but when very hard pressed I do not have an enormously long fuse...

 

[dalmation lady]

I work as a community carer and from now on probably till September time there will be a lot of people I go into who develop this or a similar condition!!!
I call it family holiday syndrome
Normally cheerful happy people who try and keep mobile and be as independent as they can be will develop an array of symptoms be very reluctant to do anything for themselves, people with a normally healthy appetite will weakly whisper they feel too ill to eat. But then think they might manage a bit of toast for breakfast, and if you're in the kitchen well you might as well put a bit of bacon under the grill, oh and there might be an egg in the fridge. I'm sure you get the picture by now!!!
In 99% of cases after a bit of detective work it will turn out sons, daughters etc are going away for a week
The other 1% gets a drs visit asap!!
I think a lot of it stems from a fear of anything going wrong whilst family are away.
For a week or so no one is on the end of the phone if there is a problem.
It is a very common trait not only confined to day centre

 

[Eleonora]

Do you know, you've all cheered me up!
My much loved, 88 year old other half now goes to day-care on Mondays - A newish thing, and my only time off from 24/7 caring.
But it is amazing how often he feels unwell on Monday mornings

For the last two times, he has lurked in bed, looking pale and interesting - and whispered that I might, 'have pity' on him, and let him rest in bed.
Now, on all other days, I do let him stay in bed until about eleven o'clock; but on day-care day, he has to get up about eight o'clock - so it is a bit hard on him. But those few hours of freedom are all that keep me sane.

I feel dreadful, sending him out when he is so unwilling to go - but self preservation kicks in and I harden my heart.

I have a sort of agreement with him that if he goes willingly to day-care on Mondays; he can stay in bed as long as he likes on all the other days of the week.
That's all very well; but now of course, I am wondering if I am selfishly encouraging him to become bed-ridden just because it's convenient for me?

Why must I feel so guilty about everything - I'm usually quite a tough cookie, but none of us seem to have been given any special training to cope with this totally unexpected illness. I've been at it for six years now, and apart from this forum, not one piece of advice or instruction have I had from any medical professional - which seems to me to be very wrong.

 

[Ann Mac]

Mil uses the 'not feeling well' pretty often, Di Lavers - its just she was so damn convincing this morning - the woman deserves an Oscar! If hubs hadn't been there, and she hadn't given herself away to a certain extent, by showing surprise that he wasn't in work, I would quite probably have called the GP, at the very least

Oh, Witzend - I came so close this morning to really having a go - I said to her did she realise how worried she had made me - and she shrugged her shoulders and said 'sorry', in a tone that implied she was anything but

Dalmation lady - its not like we 'go' anywhere whilst she is there - we specifically don't tell her if we have plans for a drive and lunch out or anything like that, as we know that would guarantee a very determined effort not to go in on her part. I understand that some days, she struggles to remember the day centre, and how much she enjoys it - but that isn't the case every single day, and we still get her being reluctant. Mostly, I think we handle it pretty well - matter of fact, cheery, and we have ready replies for all her excuses - but this morning, she threw me for a loop!

Eleonora, I've lost count of the times we have tried to work an agreement with Mil - but when it comes to the crunch, she can never remember it, and its the same old story - not well, got no clothes, got no money, too tired, doesn't feel up to it, etc, etc, etc. I can and often do feel horribly guilty - but then we get there, and she skips through the door, happy as larry. I hold that in my head when she is crying and begging me to let her 'stay here - just for today'.

She actually remembered this morning when she got home tonight - asked if she had a nice day, she said it was 'lovely' and then she added that she doesn't know why she tried to not go this morning. I again said to her how much she had frightened me - and again, it was just shrugged off. Told her if she did it again, I would just phone the ambulance - and we'd see if a day in hospital turns out to be a 'nicer' option for her

 

[Merrymaid]

So glad to read all your posts, having fought for ages to get Mum a place at day care she too has developed diverse strategies for avoiding going. I have persisted and took her to the same reception that others have described - smiles all round and a lovely day had there. She has now taken to also asking if I am going to leave her in random places e.g. shops, my choir practice, changing room at M&S!!!! Sometimes I could just.........!!!!

 

[Vesnina]

I sympathize... in my childhood...
whenever father went for a trip (business, it was clear he loved us etc),
I was getting a fever... this was not faked, just true sorrow, surprise, who knows...