Moving Mum in?

[60's child]

I don't see how using the rental/sale income from Mum's house for her personal care could be called deprivation of assets at all. If you keep a paper trail of the care invoices, you should be well covered against accusations of that.

If your rebuilding plans mean that Mum's part of the house would be self-contained and you could stop her and her carers from accessing your part of the house while you were out, then that would work too.

Another thing that people with dementia still like to do is "tidy up". That means if she has access to your rooms and possessions while you're not there, you could find things get moved to different places with much resulting frustration looking for them.

What would worry me, about my own Mum, is hygiene! Knowing that she doesn't wipe herself properly on the loo, or wash her hands unless prompted, no way would I want her to be able to wander round my house touching anything and especially not doing any "tidying up" in my kitchen.

In that respect, a way for Mum or the carer to make drinks/snacks without having access to your own kitchen might be thought about?

Thank you Owley
Good point about the hygiene/kitchen etc We had not planned for Mums space to be a seperate unit. We are meeting the arthitect again next week so we can see whether he has any solutions for this potential problem. I am however already a fiend with the old anti bacterial cleaners so I will probably just go into overdrive..!

 

[60's child]

Dear 60s Child,

I think your plan sounds brilliant. We have had my mother living with us since 2008. In that year, it was sort of a trial basis. Then in 2009, she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, and it was clear she could no longer be on her own. My husband (who can handle construction jobs) re-made a parlor room (it's a large-ish old house) so that she could have a primary location on the first floor, with private bath/shower, and access to the rest of the house (including the dogs, whom she loves).

Sure - you have people in your home, interruptions in your life, and a constant feeling of responsibility. But you don't have social workers making decisions for your parent, you know the doctors and lawyers who are tending to her, and you have a good sense of her financial status.

But the biggest gain is a feeling of self-worth - that here you are, extending yourself, so your loved parent spends her last years with as much dignity and goodwill as she could possibly feel. She will feel loved and cared for, and she will be socialized with family and friends. We have gone to having daily caregivers come in for the breakfast meals and shower. My work is such that I can do it at home 2 or 3 days a week, and now that it's summer and a lighter load for me, I have reduced the caregiver hours. I get to have quality time with my mother in my home rather than having to go see her at some other location.

Many can't see how this could work. Indeed, one of my co-workers has said to me that it was "career suicide" having my mother stay. In fact, I'm about to be promoted. So having her here, while it has taken its toll on my sleep, has actually enhanced my sense of self-worth and my productivity, and this is getting recognized by others.

Good luck with all of this. It sounds as if you've sorted it out, and you are ready. You might want to consult with a lawyer (we did) to make sure you have thought of all the relevant issues. It is generous of you to do this. Wait till you see how good you feel about being there when your mother most needs you.

Thank you CJ
Lovely to hear how a similar situation is working for you. I am lucky in many ways as I have a supportive husband and sister, Mum has her own house and we are able to plan the living space from scratch so hopefully will get it right (ish...!)

 

[Sunny7]

We plan in the future to move Mum in with us. Currently we live next door. What we would like to do is rent out her property and use that money + pensions to pay for care whilst my husband and I are at work. Eventually, as she deteriorates we plan to sell her property to pay for care in our home for her, thus enabling her to live with family, hopefully until the end.
Are there likely to be any pitfalls with this arrangment? Mum would be self funding if she went to a care home so I am unable to see that social services would need to be involved? My husband, sister and myself will be her main carers with help from outside carers so hopefully the money from the house would last long enough.
I just wondered if anyone has any comments, good or bad on this? Mum is deteriorating and will not be able to live on her own for much longer and we would dearly love to be able to have her at home with us if at all possible.
Dee x

Hi Dee

It all sounds like a good plan but the others are right.. you do need to get all the boxes ticked, i's dotted and t's crossed with regards ensuring that the legalities of it are covered.

No one can prepare you for mental deterioration and as others have said the screaming at night, the incontinence, wandering around etc at night.. even the accusations that your beloved mum may make directed at you.. and I have not yet started the ball rolling with social services although its in the pipeline.. I have had my mum assessed and have started filling in my carers assessment and we do fit the criteria re she has not got £23k but the thought of having carers in 3 times a day every day of the week fills me with dread. It is a tie .. with the best will in the world it really is. In the beginning 8 years ago when mum came to live with me, I could go out and work, visit my daughter for a day and then my granddaughter when she came along.. go out shopping with friends, go out for an evening etc etc.. .. I would leave her a meal in the fridge and set the microwave for her but since about 2009 she has had to have it all done for her.. she can't do anything now and is totally dependent on me for every single thing.. She is blind and very hard of hearing on top of the dementia so that compounds things I know but whilst I do not want to paint a bleak picture for you, what seems like an easy option in the beginning does not always stay that way. It was my greatest wish that I never had to consider a nursing hiome for my mum.. but that is rapidly changing and I have started to 'think' about having to do that soon. It is not what I wanted nor envisaged. Having said all that though, if I had to make the decision again, I would probably do it again.. if she was like she was prior to this cruel disease taking my mum from me.. If she was like she is now though......I am not so sure I would. Sadly and very reluctantly said! I think the key thing is here.. do it now whilst you can manage her and whilst you have help... watch things carefully and when things start getting unmanageable, think about a home.. we are so tied up financially together now that I can't make that decision until I move house and downsize which will be this year. Take care x

 

[copsham]

Reading all the posts in the tread made me feel bad that I was pointing out all the negatives in a previous post - probably reflecting all of my fears.
What jumps out is that it is best to do it while you can. This might be for a few months or many years. You may be able to manage until the end but might have to be realistic if the demands get too great. Whatever happens it is not an easy path but thank goodness for Talking Point.