Today would have been my dad's birthday ..... mum speaks little of him (they were devoted to each other) and I tend to not raise him in conversation generally ...... If she does ever talk about him I just try to 'go along' with her mood....
Hence, my 'plan of action' for today with mum was to follow the same philosophy .... if she had recalled the date and was distressed, I would console/share her grief, make sure we had a smile about all the wonderful stuff ..... if the date meant nothing to her .... leave it be ......
This morning, it seemed clearly a 'Leave it be, day'. The date meant nothing to her.
What I hadn't planned for was a certain someone ringing her to tell her how flowers had been placed in their local Garden of Remembrance to mark the day.....
Total devastation!!!! Mum is distraught!!!!!! Less for dad, it seems - but the fact the date hadn't been significant to her until she was prompted - and now she has realised she had forgotten (if that makes sense) she is beside herself ......
'How could I have forgotten your dad?' 'Why do I not know the date?' How she hates 'this thing'. 'Give me any other disease but not this!' Quite frankly, this is the first time in months and months I have seen her so distraught about what is happening to her ...... (even the awareness that something IS happening to her even though we do skirt round the 'A' word) and I am wracked with guilt because I should have been the one to remind her gently .... to plan something .....
If she had somehow 'remembered' later in the week - or next month - would that have been more devastating to her that I had not prompted her?
It will be the anniversary of dad's death in a few weeks - me thinks we will do something special together to mark it - and for once not try to pretend that it's best to forget .......
Karen, x
Hence, my 'plan of action' for today with mum was to follow the same philosophy .... if she had recalled the date and was distressed, I would console/share her grief, make sure we had a smile about all the wonderful stuff ..... if the date meant nothing to her .... leave it be ......
This morning, it seemed clearly a 'Leave it be, day'. The date meant nothing to her.
What I hadn't planned for was a certain someone ringing her to tell her how flowers had been placed in their local Garden of Remembrance to mark the day.....
Total devastation!!!! Mum is distraught!!!!!! Less for dad, it seems - but the fact the date hadn't been significant to her until she was prompted - and now she has realised she had forgotten (if that makes sense) she is beside herself ......
'How could I have forgotten your dad?' 'Why do I not know the date?' How she hates 'this thing'. 'Give me any other disease but not this!' Quite frankly, this is the first time in months and months I have seen her so distraught about what is happening to her ...... (even the awareness that something IS happening to her even though we do skirt round the 'A' word) and I am wracked with guilt because I should have been the one to remind her gently .... to plan something .....
If she had somehow 'remembered' later in the week - or next month - would that have been more devastating to her that I had not prompted her?
It will be the anniversary of dad's death in a few weeks - me thinks we will do something special together to mark it - and for once not try to pretend that it's best to forget .......
Karen, x