He actually hit her...... I'm sick with anger.

[Tatiana]

I'm only posting this update to get it off my chest! I am angry beyond words, upset and utterly furious with FiL. The thought of visiting him is making me feel nauseous with rage.

On Friday, husband takes a call from him on his mobile (very agitated and cross) saying 'your mothers gone off her rocker and says she's walking out. She's packed her bags....' Husband reassured him that she couldn't actually get out of the building but asked why she was so upset? FiL denies all knowledge. Asked could his Mother be put on the phone - long wait, she takes the receiver. My husband comforts her, says he loves her and please, please don't pack and leave. She's very upset and almost wordless, far worse than usual. He asks to speak to the nearest carer and is assured she is being looked after and her belongings will be put back in the cupboards. She's taken to her bedroom with a cup of tea and several carers sit with her, hugging her and holding her hands until she stops crying and indicates she wants to lie down and sleep. Meanwhile another call comes in from the carehome on the landline, this time it's the duty manager. She has a serious matter to discuss. Prior to FiL ringing us, he'd been in MiL's bedroom. She'd been rearranging her clothes on the floor. A carer saw him go in and joined them. He started putting the clothes back into the cupboard - she didn't want him to. She picked up a skirt and he tried to grab it from her. The carer intervened and took the skirt, folding it up. As MiL reached for a cardigan, FiL sneakily rolled up tightly another skirt between his hands, and whacked her hard across her bottom/hip. He'd waited until he thought the carer wasn't looking.

Which of course explained the 'packing her bags and saying she was walking out' perfectly. And possibly explains why several times in the past she's started packing her belongings away, upset, for no obvious reason - according to FiL. When in respite care back in February, we had a similar anguished call from FiL saying 'she's gone mad, saying she's going home on the bus to her Mother in Kilgetty'. He claimed to have no idea why. At the time I said to my husband, I wouldn't be a bit surprised if he'd upset her, hence the 'going back to mother'. Her mother disliked him intensely.

Several meetings over the weekend, whole incident has been logged officially. ' FiL, unsurprisingly, maintains he never hit her and all the staff are liars. When spoken to separately from MiL by husband, with carer sitting in (who was present when he hit her). Husband says;- 'you have committed a crime, it's called common assault...' FiL, smugly, 'it'd never stand up in Court..' 'Oh, but it would,' said the carer, 'I was there.' She'd seen the look on his face as he did it - it was a sneering, angry look, bearing his teeth. No 'joke', no 'play-fighting'. Finally after three separate conversations on three occasions, all he can say for himself is that he 'regrets' it happened. Oh and that 'I hate/can't stand seeing her like this, what's wrong with her???'

Staff are watching them 24/7 from now on. MiL will not be left alone with him. She is also being escorted by the staff on little trips around the grounds or just inside the house, accompanied by the gorgeous spaniel belonging to one of the assistant managers, deliberately taking her away from him for hours at a time. The Manager had a few days off this weekend, so a formal meeting with his view on the way forward is about to happen. Husband feels we give him 'one last chance' before we either move him to another floor (with limited or no access to MiL) or indeed, move him to another carehome. Personally, I feel he's already had his last chance. Oh, I learned this weekend that about 18 months ago, when they were still struggling along living at home protesting they could cope, Husband went up for a few days to give his sister a break. MiL had a black eye. She said she'd hit her head on a cupboard door. FiL said absolutely nothing at all.

 

[Pookie]

I am so very sorry to read this.I do hope it can be sorted out for you all,for the betterment of all concerned. Loveus2

Sent from my GT-I8190N using Talking Point mobile app

 

[Pottypeg]

Can't add anything other than it would seem that everything possible is being done to protect your MIL, whatever decision is made will be in the best interests of them both. Sending hugs to you.

Anne

 

[stanleypj]

What a terrible thing to have to deal with.

Did your father-in-law ever treated her badly before she had dementia, do you think?

If he is to continue having regular contact with her he needs to be informed, in no uncertain terms, what the consequences of any further assault could be.

I suppose it's also clear that he needs help in how to deal with a partner who is coping with dementia. Perhaps the Admiral Nurses could help:

http://www.dementiauk.org/information-support/admiral-nursing-direct/

 

[Tatiana]

Call just now - carehome rang my husband this morning to say there had been two incidents last night. FiL has now been moved to a different floor. He asked to use the phone - 'to get a quote to kill my wife.' Persuaded back to his own room, MiL being watched over in hers - he then tries to get into her room screaming;- 'I'm going to hang her myself....'
My poor husband is in tears at work, he wanted to leave work (150 mile drive) and go straight over to see them - I hope I said the right thing, I said "No - you are too upset to see them, it won't do any good or change what happened, the staff know exactly what to do and your Mother is safe, that's THE most important thing of all. I then said, yes, leave work a little early, your MD will understand when you explain, and come home. If we go and see your Mum we'll go together. But please don't drive right now, go and have a walk and have your lunch..."

 

[Pottypeg]

It sounds like a decision will have to be made sooner rather than later for all concerned, you did the right thing with OH and going together is a really good idea, it would appear the CH are on the ball and are protecting your MIL, take care, thinking of you both.

Anne

 

[helly71]

Sounds like the care home ate doing a great job, hope you can get on top of this situation soon x

 

[Tatiana]

Thank you, everyone. She's safe, that's all that matters.
Sorry, someone earlier asked if he'd ever hurt her before? We can't be sure he hasn't. He is verbally abusive, controlling and a misogynistic bully. This has gone on for years. My husband's brother-in-law emailed me some time ago, warning me to stay away and not to waste any pity or compassion on him, he said, 'IMHO he fits most of the criteria for a Sociopath.'

 

[Moonflower]

I'm so sorry, such a horrible situation
Your MiL is safe. That's the important thing
It sounds as if she is in a good place, with caring staff.

For now, your FiL is being kept away from her. Whether this care home (different floor) or another place is best for him will be, no doubt, the subject of discussions and meetings.

I don't think there can be any more second chances, but I suspect the care home will say this without your husband having to

 

[cragmaid]

All credit to the CH, they are caring for the old lady wonderfully. It sound like the GP and CPN team need to be brought in quickly to assess your FIL and medicate if necessary. Tell your OH to drive carefully, his Mum is safe for now (and so is his Dad.)

 

[Tatiana]

You've made me cry - but thank you everyone, so much.

 

[Ann Mac]

What a horrible situation for you and your DH to cope with - so glad that the CH seem so on the ball, and dealing with it so well x

 

[CeliaW]

Sending you supportive hugs Tatiana for this difficult problem - hard for hubby too as it is his Dad. I am eternally grateful that my dad died long before Mum had any signs of dementia as he was bad enough when she was well

Take good care of yourself and hubby - it sounds as though the CH are doing their job efficiently and kindly. xx

 

[Jessbow]

Sounds like the home is doing a good job, what a horrible thing to be happening, to both M in Law and yourselves.

 

[Canadian Joanne]

It does sound like the home is doing well keeping your MIL safe. I feel sorry for your husband - how hard it must be for him. But the important thing is that your MIL is safe.

Is it possible that your FIL is developing a medical problem leading to such behaviour? I know you've said he's always been a bully but is this an escalation of that behaviour? It's possible he may be developing dementia also or something else that is causing these outbursts.

 

[Tatiana]

Joanna and Stanleypj - yes, he also has Dementia. They are both in a small, specialist Dementia carehome. MiL has vascular dementia and is very frail and has difficulty talking. She is incontinent. FiL (most probably) has Alzheimer's although he has resisted all attempts to diagnose him formally by refusing to take any cognitive tests. He has faecal incontinence also.

 

[Cheshire carer]

My dad too

You've made me cry - but thank you everyone, so much.

I'm sorry that you are feeling so upset but crying and releasing your feelings is a good thing. It is awful when domestic violence comes to light in a family.

I know a little of how you feel. My Mum with COPD and early vascular dementia was bullied and assaulted by my father. Its difficult to detect and I felt afraid and unsure about what was happening and how much. They were both living at home and cares were going in once a day when it came to light. Dad has always been bossy, inflexible and easy to express his anger but Mum coped with that. It was not clear when or how often he stepped over the line but at least twice in her last 3 months of life he did, and we had to get a safeguarding meeting convened. We managed to shame dad by having a senior male doctor tell him how unacceptable it was, and after that he seemed to withdraw from mum voluntarily. We increased carers to 3 times a day to increase observation. Mum didn't live long after that, and I often wonder what she put up with, without saying, before it became apparent. Her dementia was in very early stages so most of the time she was completely lucid and able to give a clear account of what happened, and what she wanted. Mum and Dad were are fiercely independent and did not want to be "cared for" and under those circumstances I was unclear how much to intervene. However, suspecting what Mum probably put up with, for quite a while, I have been left feeling very angry with my father, for whom I am not main carer, cos he has serious heart problems and vascular dementia himself now. That is a whole other difficulty!

 

[Tatiana]

Cheshirecarer - your sad story is so similar. Hearbreaking, isn't it.
Piph;

Well, the room that was available on the ground floor (Inlaws were on the 2nd floor) was so lovely when we looked at it (beautiful view over the garden, level walk to the lounges and dining room), that we decided that MiL might like it rather than moving FiL. On the pretext of having 'something nice to show her' we took her down to the new room and asked her if she liked it. She did, very much. Would she be comfy, yes she said. And you'd be away from him, of course. She nodded. Husband and I agreed we'd move her things down and he went upstairs for the difficult talk with his father about why we were moving MiL. I sat with MiL, and explained that she would be safe down here, he didn't know where she was and she didn't have to see him if she didn't want to. She almost cried at one point. So did I.

FiL apparently did the crocodile tears thing, holding his head in his hands and wailing , Oh God, Oh Noooo oh nooooo! The new rules were explained - he could only see her if she said it was OK. The staff would take a message to her and ask. And it would be at mealtimes/under supervision.

I'm delighted to say, he's asked to see her on various occasions and she's said 'no'. She sees him maybe every other day for an hour or so. He's tried to find her (the access codes on the lift/doors have all been changed) and he's asked the staff which room/floor she's on.

Adam's sister and her husband visited on Sunday. FiL asked if he could join them and MiL said 'OK', (actually they'd rather have seen them separately.) Within minutes, he was frowning at his wife, rolling his eyes at her poor speech, rudely interrupting her and generally acting exactly as he always did towards her. So, no change there then.

The staff have been brilliant and the new regime is working well. They are 100% in agreement this is how it has to be from now on. FiL 'doesn't like it at all' as has been reported often to us, but, tough. He hit his wife, he threatened to kill her. In what perverted world is that normal, clearly the one he inhabits in his head.

The situation is entirely of his own making. He was given chance after chance to mend his ways. But he cannot see it! It's everyone against him apparently.

Thank you for asking - I shall see Mil today, easy to visit her now they're apart. I have a new handbag for her and some photos of us all poshed up for a Charity Ball from the weekend. And it's a beautiful day......

 

[stanleypj]

The restrictions that have been placed on contact between man and wife seem entirely sensible, and necessary, given the circumstances.

Perhaps, though, it's worth reminding yourself of the most probable reason why your Fil does not 'mend his ways'.

He's living with dementia, as you've stated.

I think you've made it clear that he always behaved in this way. Pre-dementia, it would have been reasonable to expect him to change his behaviour, when the issue was brought to his attention. Now it's clearly pointless.

Wouldn't it be better, for everyone - you included - to concentrate on ensuring that the precautions continue and that your MiL is as contented as possible?

 

[cragmaid]

For now, the situation is good. Mil is safe and comfortable. Fil is cross, but can do no harm. If the situation changes and Fil becomes stable enough to spend quality time with his wife, well that would be the icing on the cake. The care home is being responsible in making sure that no harm can come to their residents. All in all.....a good outcome.