Puzzled by changing moods

[rubyrosie]

Hi my mum has now been moved to the nursing home and appears to be settling in OK...she is certainly taking on more fluid although food is abit hit and miss, as she is on soft foods due to swallowing issues. the reason for my post is thatwhen I go and see her she is really really depressed and saying her life is over, she has nothing to look forward to , I don't understand , everyone else has moved on etc etc...when my sister goes and sees her she is 'more normal' . this happened twice over the weekend to the point where I am now avoiding going as I find it very unsettling . my mum and I have always had a slightly more difficult relationship in that I am the one who has always made the difficult decisions and tried to help her discuss them....I think my sister has been able to talk about more positive things and ahas always been seen as more 'gentle' . Mum even said when we were both standing by her bed in hospital once ' aha good your're here ....you' re the gentle one....it's really hard at this stage in my mums life to find I still don't quite measure up ....how do I cope with this ? I realise a lot of it is the disease but it still hurts ...sorry for the ramble, not sure where else to turn x

 

[Noorza]

Unfortunately this disease doesn't mean that our parent's can't be extremely manipulative, if anything it brings the barriers down whilst simultaneously distorting their view of the situation. I don't think you do have to "measure up" you have already done that by doing the difficult things.

Sometimes, and I know it to be true in my circumstances, someone has to take the helm and the person who is knocking themselves out, worrying how to handle situations, looking for solutions to enhance their quality of life, is the one who comes in for the criticism and they don't like those changes.

Those who chose the easy route, the path of least resistence can be better thought of even though if left to them the quality of life would be far poorer.

You have already more than measured up, your mum can't see it now and she won't be able to. I have found that in accepting, I can't measure up, I will always be seen to have done things wrong (confabulation is a major part here) that accepting it is dementia at fault, then we can accept that no matter what we do won't be good enough so stop trying.

I don't mean stop caring or looking after her just get the confidence to know you've helped mum make the tough decisions and that's good enough.

 

[rubyrosie]

Thank you

Unfortunately this disease doesn't mean that our parent's can't be extremely manipulative, if anything it brings the barriers down whilst simultaneously distorting their view of the situation. I don't think you do have to "measure up" you have already done that by doing the difficult things.

Sometimes, and I know it to be true in my circumstances, someone has to take the helm and the person who is knocking themselves out, worrying how to handle situations, looking for solutions to enhance their quality of life, is the one who comes in for the criticism and they don't like those changes.

Those who chose the easy route, the path of least resistence can be better thought of even though if left to them the quality of life would be far poorer.

You have already more than measured up, your mum can't see it now and she won't be able to. I have found that in accepting, I can't measure up, I will always be seen to have done things wrong (confabulation is a major part here) that accepting it is dementia at fault, then we can accept that no matter what we do won't be good enough so stop trying.

I don't mean stop caring or looking after her just get the confidence to know you've helped mum make the tough decisions and that's good enough.

Thank you....it really helps to let off steam on this forum and I am very, very grateful for the virtual support.....sadly my Mum has often said why can't you be .....more understanding, sympathetic,less hard, less black and white , more like so and so all my life....I don't really know why and I know now never will....so I will keep my chin up and go forever longer walks with my dogs when it all gets too much

Thank you xxx