In a dilemma - CH or home???

[claire43]

My dad went into hospital just before christmas when he had a rapid decline in his condition (Vascular Dementia). He stayed there for 3 months then at the end of feb we moved him into a good NH. His original assessment meant he was in the emi NH unit but after a recent re-assessment we managed to get him into a residential emi unit. Its still in same building just a different part.

Despite his confusion he is still quite independent. He likes to go for a paper first thing every morning but once he is back in his room he is pretty much no trouble the majority of the time. He can be on many occasions very lucid, but is extremely unhappy. He doesnt understand why he is where he is, & constantly wants to come home. When asked he doesnt really know where that is despite having lived there for over 50 years.

He is able to use his mobile phone, I have pre-programmed our numbers & taped a piece of paper on the back of it so he just has to press one digit. This has proved to be not such a good idea and now he rings my mother constantly throughout the say & sometimes the night. Just having these calls has driven my mother to the brink cos hes demanding one thing after the other. He is consumed with what he thinks are the injustices of why he isnt able to go anywhere alone. He blames my mother & says people have told him she wont let him come home even though they say he is 100% fit. He has no concept of the time, day or even month & just expects us all to drop everything.

My mother has considered bringing him home several times but has been talked out of it by all the professionals involved. Now once again she has reached a breaking point & is talking about him coming home permanently. She thinks that once he is home he will be happier & therefore wont be so demanding. My fear is that he will still want to do everything his way & my poor mother will have no control & will not be able to cope.

Part of me wants him home, because I also agree that he doesnt seem quite as confused as he was. On the other hand I worry how my mother will manage by herself. My father would never allow carers in plus my mother has said she doesnt want them in.

What do you think. Home or CH?

 

[Lindy50]

Oh Claire, how upsetting for you

My instinct is to remember the reasons your father was admitted to hospital, and then transferred to nursing / residential care. Presumably, these things were only done because it was proving impossible to manage his care at home? Has anything changed since then?

The fact that your father now seems a bit less confused, may in fact be attributable to the regular routine and care he is receiving by a team of Carers in the home. Would it be possible to provide this sort of care in your father's own home? It sounds as though it would be next to impossible, especially as he is not willing to have Carers in

So, very sadly, I would say on balance that it would be good to continue with the care home. You won't have burnt your bridges, you could still change your mind say, six months down the line. But I have a feeling that he may be more content by then. I hope so, anyway

Just another point, can you change the way he phones your mother at all hours? This is obviously not helping either of them, even though you made the arrangements with good intentions?

I wish you all the best with this

Lindy xx

 

[Charlyparly]

The issue of telling white lies and small untruths is one you can go over and argue for years but personally, I'd be tempted to do help reduce your Dad's anxiety and confusion / restlessness by telling the odd little white lie. It needn't be anything more than saying he's staying at the home whilst he recovers from the fall he had and gets back on his feet / feels a bit better. If staff approach it the right way, they could quite easily sell him the idea of it being a case of him having a break for a bit.

I'd get rid of the mobile which might seem awful but is a common issue that often ends up with things like enormous bills you weren't expecting or people getting calls at 3am without realising who's on the other line and even the police showing up having traced a silent call or plea for help back to the care home!!

It sounds as though you and your Mum are feeling the pressure and considering what you already know would be hard going to the point of unmanageable in reality. Easy though it is for me to say, I really think the better option would be for your Dad to stay at the care home but have staff on board to make sure he's sold the idea and given the little things that make a big difference.

They could still go with him for the paper each morning I'm sure and at least he'd then be settled and relaxed afterwards.

 

[starryuk]

I too think that your father should stay where he is.

If your mother is being driven to distraction by the phone calls (quite understandably), then I can imagine she would be completely overwhelmed by 24/7 care and 24/7 demands if your father went home.

Your mother has not had to cope with your father since his decline. She is probably imagining life as it was before he went into hospital. The new reality would be different.

Could the NH ration your dad's access to the mobile? Your dad is probably unaware of the number of calls he makes. The staff should be able to keep the phone safe and distract him when he demands it constantly.

Another thing, your dad has not been in his NH for very long. Hopefully he will settle happily soon. Give it time.

 

[Witzend]

It honestly is still fairly early days for him to settle - it can take quite a while and people do often seem better at first in a CH, so that it can seem that you have done the wrong thing, but it would be back to square one at home, almost certainly with the whole agonised business of moving to go through again (and probably sooner rather than later) a while down the line. I don't think any of us take the CH decision lightly at all - so you have to keep reminding yourself why it was decided on in the first place.

The constant phone calls must be so hard for your poor mum. I know it sounds cruel, but could the phone be 'lost' or have its innards taken out? He might forget about it sooner than you think. My mother had been in the habit of ringing my brother constantly (I mean sometimes 30 times in one hour ) before she went into the CH, and for that reason we said no phone in her room. (She had no mobile).

At first she was endlessly asking the staff to 'ring my son' for her, and they would ration it by saying he was out or not answering - but we were amazed at how quickly she forgot all about it, probably within less than a fortnight. And it wasn't because she had settled quickly and happily - alas she did not.

As regards the daily paper, although he can't go out for it, is he at least having one delivered? My mother's routine had always included the Telegraph every morning so we went on having one delivered to the CH every morning, even past the point where she neither knew nor cared about it any more.

 

[flowerpot]

I personally would leave your Dad where he is! Unfortunately as we're all aware he's not going to get any better! If he won't have carers in their home and your mother is against that too it just won't work long term! Sorry to sound so harsh but your mother would get no rest as your father would be by all accounts from what you've said very demanding!

As for the phone my first thought is 'lose it' he won't be happy but at least your mother would get some peace. It's quite awful the things that we have to do but at the end of the day it's for our own sanity!

Hope things work out for you all. Take care x

 

[Owly]

The idea of your Mum being Dad's sole carer is a definite no-no in my mind. It's not being harsh to leave Dad where he is, it's being kind to your Mum!

People who are very demanding (whether with dementia or not!) will drive other people demented unless there is a team (not one person) looking after their needs and wants.

In the care home, there is that team. They can all keep their sanity by going home to their families after a shift, whereas your Mum will not have that option.

The mobile phone is Dad's connection to the outer world and it's keeping him fixated on the idea ot getting himself back out into that world. He would probably settle better and quicker without that constant connection to your Mum. So I would also find a way to lose, break or otherwise disable the phone. Maybe tell him the contract is up and you need to take the phone away to try and negotiate a new contract for him. Then if he remembers on your next visit, tell him there's some problem and you're working on it. Anyone who's had dealings with mobile phone companies will know this is very close to the truth anyway!

 

[claire43]

Thank you all for your input.

Im still no wiser as to what my mothers decision will be. To be honest Ive not spoken to her for several days just because Im exhausted going over the same argument time and time again. She feels that I dont understand her point of view whilst I feel she is being unrealistic. Ive told her it is her decision at the end of the day. She knows what I think and what the professionals opinions are so she has all the information to hand. In her heart I know she feels overwhelmed with guilt and the fact that my dad is so very unhappy is killing her. I would also love my father to be home if he was settled & I could confidently say my mother could cope with him but I cant

As for accidently 'losing his mobile phone' it wouldnt work. A few weeks ago he broke his phone & demanded we went out & bought another. He knows he has money in the bank & no matter how many excuses we come up with he always gets his way, mostly because he wears us down. Everytime he runs out of credit my mother says she isnt going to top it up but with a day or 2 she feels guilty and we are back to square one

The CH do take him out for a newspaper every morning, but he doesnt understand why he always has to be accompanied. He says that he isnt a child & is quite capable of going out on his own!

 

[chingford]

unhappy dad and mum

I would definitely bring dad home to be together with his wife, And go down the carer rout. this might take some time.But they should be together.at the moment they both seem unhappy.No way for them to spend there last years.i know how your parents must be feeling right now.And i would not let that go on.parents devote there life to there children for so many years.now is the time to repay that.in there hour of need.for me it is to easy to put people in a care home.I have seen so many times the sadness this brings to being there.my wife has Alz and V D.it is full time looking after her.i have good carers 4 times a day. but she is happy and cared for 24 hours of every day.that is how it should be.No place like home.

 

[Moonflower]

Claire, I'm sorry you're in such a difficult position. To be honest, if your parents won't accept carers coming in it seems extremely unlikely that your mother will be able to care for him.
Would the care home help by removing his mobile phone at night? Or could you persuade your mother to switch her own phone off so that she gets a break.
When my dad was in hospital he was constantly phoning mum with instructions about what she should be doing. She would be delighted when he came home, only to ring me an hour later to say that she couldn't cope.
In the end, your mum has to make the decision and she may well know deep down that she wouldn't be able to cope.
Would it help if you wrote it all down - the reasons for your dad needing to stay in care (how hard it would be to get him back in if your mum couldn't manage, etc etc etc) so that your mum could refer to this when she's feeling wobbly?
You could also visit the care home and talk to the manager about the constant phone calls being a bit problem. They may well have seen this before and be able to suggest something.