LPA - problems reaching agreements

[Aussiesheila]

Hi there,
I have only posted once but read TP most days as I find it comforting to realise there are other people with advice out there that can help me. My brother and I have joint not severally LPA for both financial and welfare. My Mum who has Dementia lives full time with my husband and I in another part of the world to my brother. She has been with me for 3 years now and at times I find it (full time care) all a bit overwhelming. It seems my brother and I cannot seem to agree on any subject at all - past history repeating itself I expect. Does anyone have any experience of where we can go from here? The COP says we have to try, and suggest mediation but is it feasible to say to them (COP), ok, we cannot agree so please appoint an independent deputy who can reach decisions of what they feel is in my Mums best interests and we just abide by that regardless of our own opinion.

 

[BenT]

Hi Aussiesheila

Hope you're ok.

Unfortunately, your situation is becoming less uncommon. And acting jointly may not be ideal particularly if you live in different countries!

As you may know you and your brother have to act in the best interests of your mother. Ideally, you want to remain as attorneys so i would encourage you both to sit down and try and resolve it. The Office of the Public Guardian would do no different.

If you can't sort it out and your disagreements are preventing either of you from acting / making decisions in your mother's best interests then you both may have to consider relinquishing the attorney and seeking the appointment of an independent, professional deputy. This would involve an application to the Court of Protection and you should seek appropriate advice if that arises.

There are always family difficulties and though it may be easier said then done i would encourage you both to work it out if possible.

Ben

 

[Aussiesheila]

thanks

thank you Ben for responding so thoughtfully. The problem for me is in the expression "best interests" - in our family situation there seems to be such a fundamental difference between my brother and I as to what that means - and it is such a loose term really - my interpretation of Mums 'best interests' are so far apart from my brothers interpretation of her 'best interest'. Thats really why I am posting - if we both genuinely feel our opinion of what is in her best interests is so diverse, can someone more experienced than us perform that task and then we both have a commitment to adhere to that.

 

[Aussiesheila]

best interests

I am going to try and explain one of our major difference of opinion re Mums Best Interest. Mum moved out to Australia 3 years ago - my dad had died and her large old house was too much for her to manage and was sold. My brother felt that she should move to be near to him (he lived about 4 hour drive from her) but she decided to move out to Australia where she had spent 2 months every year for 14 years. She lives with my husband and I. After about 9 months it became apparent that Dementia was going to be an issue - it became too hard for me to juggle my part time work and her care so I gave up work. I am fortunate that we are able to afford this option. As time has gone on the Dementia has worsened. She is under the care of our local Aged Care Specialist Team who monitor her condition. Her latest ACAT assessment is that she is unable to live alone and can only manage with complete support of my husband and I in our home. Obviously looking after Mum has brought a huge change to our lives, many things that friends of our age take for granted are no longer a possibility for us. One thing that has always been important to us is travel - we enjoy planning and taking adventure holidays - Mums ACAT team have recommended that whilst we take as they say "a well earned break from caring" that Mum should receive respite care in a residential home that is subsidised by the government. After a lot of research and visiting homes I found a really good home - the staff were lovely and the whole environment was really clean and comfortable and they were able to accommodate Mum in her own bedroom with ensuite. I emailed and explained to my brother that past arrangements I had made (my son and fiance looking after Mum. Paying a friend to look after Mum at home) were no longer an option as Mum needed a dementia safe environment, and that we would be going away and Mum would be looked after professionally. He hit the roof - he said it was demeaning and not in Mums best interests to be there - I went ahead anyway as hubby and I really needed some time out to reconnect as a couple. He phoned the home everyday (he never phones her at home), sent flowers of sympathy and generally did what he could to make things difficult. He told me he was coming out to look after her himself and gave me the date he was due - I let the home know but the date came and went and he didnt arrive. Apparently he turned up 11 days later. He stayed for 13 days. Unfortunately he didnt take all her belongings so the home were unable to clean and re-let her room, so she was still obligated to pay for the full care (about 60 pounds a day) After he left her UK visa card statement arrived with a total bill of over 3 and a half thousand pounds for 13 days. He has subsequently told me that Mum cannot go into respite care again as it is not in her best interests but he will come and manage her care. However, it has to be when he is able to fit it in with his work commitments and also his study commitments. This is just an impossible thing for us to work with - being a full time carer is demanding emotionally and physically and I feel my husband and I should be able to take time out for longer than the 5 days 3 times a year that he says he can manage. Its our chance to dance to the beat of our own drum for a few weeks every year. To me its in my mums best interest that I should take care of my own physical and mental health so I am better equipped to look after her.
There have been other best interest issues between us!

 

[Noorza]

Your brother is being entirely unreasonable, he cannot dictate that you plan your lives around him while you are caring for mum on a full time basis.

I find that a totally unreasonable stance. Surely you don't need his permission to put her into care. He doesn't phone, he doesn't do any caring, what is to stop you going on holiday, putting her into the home and just not telling him until you come back?

 

[jeany123]

I agree with Noorza you have no obligation to tell him as he shows no real interest any other time and you do all the caring,


What is the worst anyone can do if you forget??? to inform him,

 

[Noorza]

Even though you both have jointly LPA for welfare which is the part that would be invoked here, and I have no idea of the laws abroad but here I'd be saying you've had the assessment, the carers are deemed to need respite, and to go against that assessment contravenes his use of the welfare POA as carers have to be well and rested, to be able to care.

I would suggest that your brother takes over your mother's care and you'll relieve him for 5 days 3 x a year and see how reasonable he thinks it is then.

 

[Raggedrobin]

i agree, I wouldn't tell him when you are away or that she is in respite. harsh, but if you are the main carers your needs need to be looked after. It is unfortunate but he can't dip in and out of the situation, it just doesn't work for the sufferer either. i feel sorry for him that his Mum is so far away, but indeed the alternative would have been for him to care for her full time, so unless he is willing to give up his job etc etc, he has to allow you to do as you see fit.

 

[Katrine]

I agree with the comments above. It in your mum's best interests for her main family carers to have adequate respite in order to have both the physical and emotional energy to continue caring for her at home. The care plan must be sustainable, otherwise it cannot be in you mum's best interests.

Best interests does NOT mean that her carers' needs take second place, i.e. she gets best treatment and they get worse treatment. This seems to be your brother's view, that your mum must always come first.

Best interests is a term used when other people makes decisions for someone who cannot do this for themself. It requires the people with the decision making power to focus on what is best for the vulnerable person, taking all factors into account.

BTW, spending thousands on a short carer cover visit, without consultation, is not a sustainable approach to respite. What on earth did he spend it on? Hiring babysitters? Eating every meal in a restaurant? Buying new clothes instead of doing laundry? Staying in a hotel is the most likely explanation.

If it were me I would ask for a report from him about what they did and what the money was spent on. If he wants to look after her again you should ask him to send his proposed care plan before you agree to letting him look after her. Set very firm ground rules. This is not a competition, or a chance for him to score points. YOU know best. You make the rules.

 

[Aussiesheila]

Thanks for your replies

Actually my doctor tells me that we should just go and not tell him! Although he doesnt ring he does email Mum (which of course I print and give to her and pretend are letters) and I do also religiously ensure that every Friday Mum sits down and writes him an aerograme as best she can, so he would be aware that there had been a change of living circumstances.
I am trying to be objective as I know he loves Mum too - I think its more of an issue that he feels he no longer 'controls' the situation - but when he talks about Mums 'best interests' he causes me to doubt myself and question decisions I make - even though I honestly feel that I am trying to be logical about it all. He has a habit of writing letters and emails to me that are a quite bullying - result I start to get night time anxiety - he once studied law so he likes to use legalistic terms which I suspect makes him feel gives his opinion more weight. My husband has warned him that he musnt do this anymore.
We do take Mum on holiday too, physically Mum is quite fit - but to places that are easy for her to cope with - but realistically we are still caring for Mum - just in another environment.
This year its my 60th and my husband and I have planned an adventurous trip to Alaska which will include walking, kayaking, time on a ship, nothing that is possible for a 90 year old to enjoy! - it will be 5 weeks in all - Mum is booked into her respite care and I know she will be well looked after. I know that she probably doesnt really 'like' it but I also know anywhere that she is where I am not, she doesnt like either. But I can go knowing she is safe, warm, well fed, entertained, and my husband and I can relax and be a couple again. I am conscious that it is quite a long time for her to be there but I know that her complete lack of memory means in many ways that 5 days is as long as 5 weeks. I havent yet broached the topic with my brother.
He visited for 5 days a few weeks ago. By now my husband had emailed him and told him that using Mums credit card as he had was not OK. He stayed in an apartment that he booked and paid for and Mum joined him there. Everything seemed to go well. It was not a convenient time for us to have a holiday as my husband had work commitments but it was a chance for me to catch up on a few things around the house, and do some one on one activities with my grandson.
Maybe I am a bit wary of his motives though as I understand that he has been in touch with Mums doctor by mail and whilst here and has been discussing Mums dementia and 'lack of capacity'. I assume this means that he will hope to ensure that he and I must agree jointly on all decisions that are in Mums 'best interests'. That is why I have started to think about the process of relinquishing our joint LPA and asking an independent deputy to consider decisions that need to be made.
Just as a footnote - a few days ago Mum received a letter from the trustee of her private pension fund letting her know that they had received a letter from her son using his LPA to tell them that Mums pension must no longer be paid into her bank account in Australia but should be re-directed back to her bank account in the UK (which she no longer uses). Fortunately they were notifying her that they had refused this request. I read a lot about the requirements with regard to capacity and the Mental Health Act and my responsibilities in this regard. When Mum read the letter her immediate response was "What has he done this for, what an impudence, its my money" - so I know in my heart that her capacity to understand this specific issue is absolutely intact.
Sorry, this is a long post - I feel as if I have got some things off my chest!

 

[Katrine]

In most cases where someone is trying to access funds you immediately smell a rat. Why would he need her pension money to be in the UK when she lives in OZ? However, this may just be a power play on his part, getting back some control. Unfortunately he seems determined to make things difficult for you. Your idea about having a neutral deputy has merit. Make sure though that by resigning you are not just signing over sole control to your brother. He would not be able to be an effective attorney from the other side of the world. The attorney/deputy must be in Australia.

 

[Kellie-Ann]

If I was you I wouldn't tell him anything until you came back and your mum was back home again there is nothing he can do if he is not willing to help care for your mum just don't tell him until after x


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point

 

[starryuk]

Your brother wrote to your mum's pension fund without informing you as joint attorney or your mum? How/why did he think he could do that?

Thank goodness the Pension Fund was on the ball. I think I would get your mum to write to them confirming that she wants her money to be sent to Australia. In case your brother tries again. You could type the letter and she could sign it if necessary.

Do you have POA in Australia for your mum's Australian business?

Oh, and I agree about your holiday. Don't tell your brother. At least until your mum is safely in respite and her credit cards out of reach.

 

[Noorza]

I would immediately write to ever source of income and savings registering the PoA and informing them they cannot act without your permission as joint PoA.

I would not hand over my PoA to a third party as I would need control, if she were living with me, that's just me though. You, may decide that for you, it works to hand over to a third party as it is causing you undue anxiety, frankly looking after someone with dementia is stressful enough without game playing by siblings.

I would now write to the OPG and ask them to investigate his use of the funds for his trip to Aussie to ascertain whether it was a free holiday or care for mum.

If nothing else it will show him you will not take on board 100 percent of the care while letting him put 100% of the rules in place as he sees them.