Going on alone

[sunray]

Valentine's Day is over. I got through it okay. If no-one reaches out to me I reach out to others. It does not matter who starts a thread or makes the first phone call, the results are the same. That is something I learned through Ray's journey through strokes and dementia and the same applies to my journey through widowhood.

Today is a wet day and so I have been alone all day. I am not in a mood to do anything so watched a couple of movies I had been saving for a wet day. I watched "Tuesdays with Morrie" this afternoon concentrating on the character of Morrie ably played by Jack Lemmon. There are lessons there for all of us who have looked after someone with a long term illness. I thought how sad it was though that our spouses succumbed to Alzheimers/Dementia so their wisdom was lost. How I would have loved to have listened to some of Ray's stories in those last five years but alas they were only half-remembered or forgotten all together.

I am still just wandering through life. I wish I had some goals, something new to learn, something good to look forward to. I am planning to go and see my son out west in April but somehow that seems a long way away. I am sure the time will fly though as it always does.

Feeling a bit sad today, maybe Valentine's Day backlash. Hope everyone else is over it and has something nice planned for the weekend (weather permitting).

 

[Nutty Nan]

Well done...

... another one ticked (Valentine's Day).
I don't like these commercialised celebration days - Valentine, Mothering Sunday, Fathers' Day, Grandparents' Day. They put pressure one everyone to conform (read "spend money"), they raise unrealistic expectations, and this often leads to disappointment. What's worse - they simply emphasise grief and sadness for those who have nothing to celebrate. No loved one, no Mum, no Dad, no close links to Grandparents, etc. etc. How do you deal with a child who cannot give a Mother's Day card to Mummy, because Mummy is no longer there (for whatever reason)??!!
Every single day is an opportunity to tell people around us that we love and value them.
Rant over.

I agree with you that part of the way forward after bereavement is to re-shape our lives and our circle of friends. This takes time. How about volunteering with support groups for youngsters, for example? If you have time on your hands, use it to help others, this will give you a purpose, some structure, and make you feel better.

Just a thought. Good luck! C. x

 

[Saffie]

We've never really bothered with Valentines's day, well, not after the first few years when children seemed to take precedence anyway. so it never occurred to me to give Dave a card or anything else yesterday when I visited. To be honest, I'd even forgotten the date! Then, in Dave's room in the nursing home was an envelope addressed to me - a Valentine's card from Dave, made by the Activities organisers. I felt a bit mean then but only with the effort they had gone to as Dave was fast asleep and oblivious to it all!

I hope the sadness of the day has passed Sue. xxx

 

[sunray]

Weather has been wet and a lot colder for the past week and winter is definitely on it's way, somewhat earlier than usual so maybe we will get a slice of autumn first. I dread the short grey days as people close their windows and doors and activity in the neighbourhood is confined to cars coming and going. I am trying to think of a routine which will combine some outings in reasonable weather and something to do when I am kept inside.

I avoided winter last year with my trip to England and the distractions of planning it before I went, Unfortunately I can't do that two years in a row, and I know I am going to be lonely a lot of the time. Wish there was an easy solution to that problem.

I think that while I have moved on in some ways bits of me are "stuck". I still feel as if I am waiting for someone to come home.I still feel I need to explain what I have been doing for the past fifteen years when obviously I was still working age. "What do you do?" being one of the first things asked here when you meet someone new.

I haven't established a new routine as yet. I am still wondering what to change, what to add to, what to give up entirely. It is not something I can do quickly. There have been a lot of changes in my life, now it is the children moving away and re-establishing themselves in other areas. That is unsettling for me as just having them close by has been a reassurance that I have help if I need it. But I knew that wouldn't last. Just have to get used to being by myself and learn to be more self-reliant.

 

[MissisT]

I don't know what to say to cheer you as I can't help agreeing that winter and long evenings are the hardest time. I end up watching loads of dreadful TV programmes I wouldn't have even considered a few years ago. I have also acquired a tablet thing and download and read lots of books.
I wish you luck with your quest for new routines and send you a big virtual hug x

 

[Grannie G]

Hi Sue

The only way I have found some form of compensation for loneliness is by joining groups.

I`m quite shy, believe it or not, and it takes a lot to walk into a group of new people and established friendships but needs must. The alternative is isolation.

I have joined U3A and attend regular discussion groups. They are good because established friendships are not as dominant when there is whole group discussion.

I got to Tai Chi and an exercise class.

I stopped yoga because my knees are bad and I can`t kneel. I met someone from yoga yesterday and she encouraged me to return to practice chair yoga. I had resisted this before, vanity I suppose, but being able to kneel is not the essence of yoga so I think I will return.

As you know Sue, in the UK we don`t get much outdoor life because of our climate. Perhaps we are more used to finding indoor activities.

I do hope you manage to find something. What interests you? Start from there and go on line to see what is available. xx

 

[winda]

Hi Sue,

Like Sylvia I also forced myself to join groups. I joined the U3A and I go to aerobics, table tennis, country walks and a monthly Sunday lunch. When I first went I knew no-one and at first I found it difficult as I felt like an outsider. But I persevered and now, a year later, I feel I have made many new friends. There are many different groups I could join but at the moment I will just stick with what I am doing. I don't feel capable of learning Italian at the moment, which is one of the things on offer, but I may take it up in the future.

I actually find it easier to do things I didn't do with my husband as it makes me feel too sad otherwise.

I hope you will be able to find something similar where you are. I can assure you, you won't regret it.

 

[Grannie G]

I actually find it easier to do things I didn't do with my husband as it makes me feel too sad otherwise.
.

That`s such a good point winda. I hand`t realised.

 

[sunray]

I am doing a clean up in the garage and workshop under my house. It was always Ray's domain and he spent a lot of time under there prior to the major strokes in 1999. It is full of tools, old rusty machines and all kinds of bits and pieces that would "come in handy". Now it all has to go.

I have had some help from some metal collectors and now have some men from the local "Men's Shed" coming to help clean out the small stuff. It breaks my heart as I hear them say: "Look at this, I know why he had this." when I know nothing about it all except that it is old and rusty and needs to go.

I have so many memories invested in the house, the yard, the cabin and the many places I can picture Ray now. But I know it is only a matter of time now before I move as I am unable to maintain all of this. So sad.

 

[dilne]

Hi Sunray,
I found your thread and was so touched by your sentiments. I was widowed in my twenties, road accident, my late husband was an engineer, and had many toolboxes of things. I gave to his friends things that they found useful and would hope it reminded them of the good times they had with him. Some I gifted to a local college. he valued his tools and I know he would have got some comfort out of this idea. I am only guessing as to how old Ray's tools might be, but maybe a local historical society would like them. My (now) MIL in the very early stages of her illness was thrilled to find out the 'yard' where she grew up is in a local working museum, just as she remembers it. She focuses so much time on her childhood now, its very touching and we're very lucky. I hope you manage a peaceful solution.
I found losing the links with my husband very hard, each lost link made me feel guilty, angry and so sad. I didn't want to start a new chapter. We muddle through and slowly painfully we get out the other side. I lost him 23 years ago, and even though I have a new partner, and I am not suggesting that at all, I miss my late hubby desperately. I have a memory box full of his things, I don't often look now, but I need to know its there. Our life is part of me and I will not ever forget. Maybe an idea for you, maybe not, but I wish you the very, very best. Don't forget be nice to yourself, you deserve it.

 

[sunray]

Just had a couple of blue days. I think cleaning out under the house including giving so much away has led to some troubled nights as my emotions, under control in the day, emerge at night. Not a lot I can do about that as there is still a lot to go. I need it all cleaned out for the time when I decide to sell and that is my priority for the present.

Also tomorrow, St Patrick's Day, will be my Dad's birthday, he died in 2000 but in a way it feels as if he is still with me as I had no time to mourn him as I was still looking after Mum as well as Ray at the time. I am still Daddy's girl in so many ways, laugh like him, look like him. Love him still.

Sue.

 

[Grannie G]

At least you`ve made a start Sue.

I have no intention of moving house but I have promised myself I will `declutter`. Easier said than done. I thought I knew where to start but keep putting it off.

These `blue` days are not good, are they. xx

 

[sunray]

Not much progress has been made since my last post. The cabin roof is on but the quote for the ceiling is not yet in. I have my fingers and toes crossed that this is not another tradie who is going to back out.

I have started to clean out the cabin so gradually hope to sort all the boxes into bin it, charity shop and maybe I would like this in the house. I had my younger son here for a few days last week and we did some more difficult tasks so I have a new television set, a new lock on the bathroom door and a few other small jobs done.

I am wavering over a new task the church committee want me to take on, I do want to help out, I don't want to be tied down. It is hard to decide what I want to do still. Too many years of snap decisions in emergencies have made making a considered decisions seem much harder to make.

Winter is approaching, daylight saving finished last weekend so I need to take time to clean up the garden and get ready to hunker down inside if the winter is a wet one.

Surviving day to day is still what I am doing, living fully is what I want to do.

Sue.

 

[lilysmybabypup]

Not much progress has been made since my last post. The cabin roof is on but the quote for the ceiling is not yet in. I have my fingers and toes crossed that this is not another tradie who is going to back out.

I have started to clean out the cabin so gradually hope to sort all the boxes into bin it, charity shop and maybe I would like this in the house. I had my younger son here for a few days last week and we did some more difficult tasks so I have a new television set, a new lock on the bathroom door and a few other small jobs done.

I am wavering over a new task the church committee want me to take on, I do want to help out, I don't want to be tied down. It is hard to decide what I want to do still. Too many years of snap decisions in emergencies have made making a considered decisions seem much harder to make.

Winter is approaching, daylight saving finished last weekend so I need to take time to clean up the garden and get ready to hunker down inside if the winter is a wet one.

Surviving day to day is still what I am doing, living fully is what I want to do.

Sue.

Hi Sue, the journey really is a long and winding road, to quote Sir Paul. Sometimes it feels likes 3 steps forward, then 2 steps back, doesn't it? Glad you're doing some things, and had your son visiting and getting those bits and pieces done too.

Tradies really are a lawless bunch, Mum had a blocked toilet and had to go upstairs to the other one, not easy at 83 with a lung condition. She doesn't go upstairs these days. She called a plumber, left a message, he didn't call back, she called him again the next day, he said was coming the next day after midday. Did he turn up? Nope, and no phone call or anything. I called him and he seemed completely disinterested and not bothered by his behaviour, said he was too busy to come that day. I said "busy" I understand, but not even calling is rude and unprofessional, don't bother coming at all, and arranged another one. I know how hard it is to find people you trust and are reliable.

Sometimes I feel thinking and making decisions is exhausting when you're still carrying the burden of grief, especially when it comes after a long period of caring. Mum was always the organiser, ran things like a well-oiled machine, and still does a great job paying bills and so on. But when it comes to effecting changes necessary after Dad's passing, or making decisions, she seems overwhelmed and just asks me to handle it. Are you able to take time to make your decision about the church task? Or maybe say you'd like to give it a try, on a trial basis and on the proviso that you can drop it if it becomes too much.

Yes, how curious that the weekend daylight saving ends we get a sudden chill in the air. Hope you have your winter woollies all ready. Take care and remember to spoil yourself a bit, I'm sure you deserve it.

Love, Stephanie, xxx

 

[sunray]

I find all the "family days" harder now as my family is so scattered. The last year of Ray's life they made an effort to be with us on special days and visit as often as they could. They visited a little last year and this year my daughter has not been up, my sons and their families are now gone from the coast.

I have an allergy to palm oil so hot cross buns may contain it, named as vegetable oil and would you believe Easter eggs too! So it is just eat normal food, fill in the days with gardening, reading etc, go to church on Sunday, possibly shopping Monday and Easter is over for another year.

Maybe when there is a mention of any time being a "family festival" we widows should picket with signs saying: "What about ME?".

 

[lilysmybabypup]

Hi Sue, sorry you're having a difficult day, hope you have some special times perhaps with church family. Wishing you a blessed Easter and hope the rest of the week is brighter.

Stephanie, xxx

 

[Mameeskye]

Happy Easter

Wishing you a Happy Easter from across the Ditch.

Did not realize it had been so long or so hard for you, so sending some late ((( hugs )))

Love

mameeskye

 

[kd7279]

I find all the "family days" harder now as my family is so scattered. The last year of Ray's life they made an effort to be with us on special days and visit as often as they could. They visited a little last year and this year my daughter has not been up, my sons and their families are now gone from the coast.

I have an allergy to palm oil so hot cross buns may contain it, named as vegetable oil and would you believe Easter eggs too! So it is just eat normal food, fill in the days with gardening, reading etc, go to church on Sunday, possibly shopping Monday and Easter is over for another year.

Maybe when there is a mention of any time being a "family festival" we widows should picket with signs saying: "What about ME?".

And widowers!

 

[sunray]

Indeed widowers too, sorry for the failure to include widowers, I guess I should have said widowed people.

I did have a good day with my church family, only three people went out together for our usual lunch today but that was okay. And my daughter just rang me at 7pm to wish me a Happy Easter and check that I was okay. And I am.

Sue.

 

[grouse]

How are you doing now Sue?

wishing you all the best x