I feel so sad at the moment My Mum has been in a carehome for a year now. She has vascular dementia, and is now almost always in her bed. She sometimes refuses to eat and drink anything. I cannot visit her very often as I live too far away and have a disabled husband. I notice a marked deterioration in her everytime I do visit. This time Mum didnt appear to recognise me at all and was just staring into space, she didnt say anything either. It is so upsetting to see her go down hill like this and it is something she never wanted to experience. I have been told that she swears quite often which is something Mum never ever did. She is not violent or anything like that. She was always very kind and loving and always did a good turn for people who needed it. My lovely Mum is slowly disappearing..
My lovely Mum slowly disappearing
- Thread starter Groovy
- Start date
Just read your post groovy so sorry to hear about your mum made me feel sad for you and your mum. What a horrible disease. Linda x hugs to you
My mum has Vascular Dementia too. It's a horrible disease. She is not in a home yet,but I understand how you feel as I am slowly losing who she was as a person. I live in Scotland, would love to visit and update you since your so far away, mind you I may be further! Not sure where you are though. That goes to others who are reading this too. I am near Kinross, and have 3 spare days a week. The days mum has carers and day care.
I think all of us who care for a person living with dementia can relate to your post groovy.
I was just now looking through my wife's last filofax because I needed her national insurance number. She used the filofax very successfully for a few years to help her keep organised and to remind her of things she needed/wanted to be able to remember. I didn't find the NI number there, but I did find all sorts of details that she'd jotted down over the years (we replaced the dairy pages each year in the leather case but kept all the other pages). The handwriting ranges from normal (she had lovely handwriting) to scrawls that were very hard to decipher and often contained repeated letter and syllables.
Amongst the things she wanted to remember are family birthdays then (later) family names, her daughters' favourite animals, places where she lived and worked, etc. I read these with tears in my eyes (I'm crying now).
Perhaps the most moving notes are references to her youthful travelling adventures. At the age of 18 she did VSO in Ethiopia and was introduced to Emperor Haile Selassie! She also drove coaches overland to the Soviet Union.
Now, needless to say, she cannot drive, read or write, and her conversation is very limited. But, perhaps because of her personal history, she still gets some pleasure from travel, despite all the difficulties she has to overcome.
You can look back at the earlier phases. Difficult as they were to come to terms with at the time, you would give anything to be back there now.
Of course, we are both lucky. My wife is generally calm and contented. She is physically healthy. I am deeply affected by some of the posts I read on TP, from people who are not so fortunate.
But, for all of us, it's a horrible disease and, yes, to see aspects of the person disappearing is perhaps the hardest things.
I wish you strength Groovy.
I was just now looking through my wife's last filofax because I needed her national insurance number. She used the filofax very successfully for a few years to help her keep organised and to remind her of things she needed/wanted to be able to remember. I didn't find the NI number there, but I did find all sorts of details that she'd jotted down over the years (we replaced the dairy pages each year in the leather case but kept all the other pages). The handwriting ranges from normal (she had lovely handwriting) to scrawls that were very hard to decipher and often contained repeated letter and syllables.
Amongst the things she wanted to remember are family birthdays then (later) family names, her daughters' favourite animals, places where she lived and worked, etc. I read these with tears in my eyes (I'm crying now).
Perhaps the most moving notes are references to her youthful travelling adventures. At the age of 18 she did VSO in Ethiopia and was introduced to Emperor Haile Selassie! She also drove coaches overland to the Soviet Union.
Now, needless to say, she cannot drive, read or write, and her conversation is very limited. But, perhaps because of her personal history, she still gets some pleasure from travel, despite all the difficulties she has to overcome.
You can look back at the earlier phases. Difficult as they were to come to terms with at the time, you would give anything to be back there now.
Of course, we are both lucky. My wife is generally calm and contented. She is physically healthy. I am deeply affected by some of the posts I read on TP, from people who are not so fortunate.
But, for all of us, it's a horrible disease and, yes, to see aspects of the person disappearing is perhaps the hardest things.
I wish you strength Groovy.
Hi Groovy, so sorry about your Mum . My Mum has vascular dementia too and has been in a nursing home for the past 4 years (following a stroke). She too does not recognise me now and just stares in to space is totally immobile, has to be fed and have everything done for her. I too was told that mum used to swear especially when they were bathing her. I know it's so hard when you remember the person they used to be and now it's so cruel when they do not know you. I feel it is very hard for us to watch and see this as the nurse at the nursing home told me that my Mum know would not realise any of this was happening to her and she is last stage/severe. Still hard though..... Take care x
Thankyou all for your comments, much appreciated. So good to know I am not alone in facing all of this. I am trying to remember all the good times we have had together rather than focusing on the last few weeks, but it is very hard to get past the last expression on Mums face. She was always such a happy person and now the sparkle has gone from her eyes. Such a cruel disease.
It's so hard to read some of these posts, especially when we all seem to be experiencing the same cruel results of this disease. I'm very thankful for this forum otherwise i'd feel as if I was the only one going through this horrible time. Just to be able to talk to you all is so important for my sanity.
My Mum has deteriorated over the last 7 Months and has had periods of not recognising us.. I've walked in and found her staring at walls and have just wanted to shout and scream for someone to bring my Mum back, I miss her. She used to want to know everything about what was going on with me ,my kids etc and now there's very little conversation. I tell her about everything which makes me feel better but this disease has robbed her of the ability to ask questions and chat...something she loved to do. I guess she doesn't realise her limitations which is a blessing but I find it soul destroying that she is a shadow of her former self.....
I've adapted my visits so I just rattle on with my news and when I have no more to say we just sit, being with her is comforting for me.I paint her nails and give her hugs, I just want to be around her...........after so much has been taken from her she's still my Mum and is precious to me...
My Mum has deteriorated over the last 7 Months and has had periods of not recognising us.. I've walked in and found her staring at walls and have just wanted to shout and scream for someone to bring my Mum back, I miss her. She used to want to know everything about what was going on with me ,my kids etc and now there's very little conversation. I tell her about everything which makes me feel better but this disease has robbed her of the ability to ask questions and chat...something she loved to do. I guess she doesn't realise her limitations which is a blessing but I find it soul destroying that she is a shadow of her former self.....
I've adapted my visits so I just rattle on with my news and when I have no more to say we just sit, being with her is comforting for me.I paint her nails and give her hugs, I just want to be around her...........after so much has been taken from her she's still my Mum and is precious to me...
Thank you for this claireybelle. You've expressed your love of your mum and your sadness at her present state in a very touching way. I'm sure your words will ring a bell with so many.
Take care.
Take care.
I went to visit my Mum on monday and she gave me such a big smile, so different from my last visit. I was so happy when I left. She wanted to know if I was going to visit her Mum! We (my brother and sister) usually go along with whatever she says, but unfortunatelly my dad who's 90 hasnt really fully understood Mums condition and tends to disagree with what Mum says. She doesnt say a lot usually,just listens or sleeps. sometimes we can understand what she is trying to say and at others her speech is very slurred, but mostly she sleeps.
My Dad talks of taking Mum on holiday and if she doesnt like it she can come back. Mum would be so confused if she was taken out of the carehome now, as she is reliant on staff for all her personal care etc. i woulldnt think care staff would allow it anyway. I suppose my dad is clutching at straws really as they have been married for 70 years, and he hasnt really accepted that she will never be able to go home. Sorry if I'm rambling, but I guess you will understand what I'm trying to say.
My Dad talks of taking Mum on holiday and if she doesnt like it she can come back. Mum would be so confused if she was taken out of the carehome now, as she is reliant on staff for all her personal care etc. i woulldnt think care staff would allow it anyway. I suppose my dad is clutching at straws really as they have been married for 70 years, and he hasnt really accepted that she will never be able to go home. Sorry if I'm rambling, but I guess you will understand what I'm trying to say.
Aw I feel for them both....but it must be so hard for Dad especially because he can remember the time before Dementia and your poor Mum "merely" lives with it.
Hugs all round.x.
Hugs all round.x.
Aw I feel for them both....but it must be so hard for Dad especially because he can remember the time before Dementia and your poor Mum "merely" lives with it.
Hugs all round.x.
Thankyou for your comment. Yes I suppose it is hard for my Dad. I do feel so sorry for him at times as Mum used to look after him so well. My sister does all his washing, cleaning etc, but not the same as having Mum there. he is still quite active and Goes down the local town every day except sunday. He visits Mum every day, luckily carehome is not too far for him to go. x
Sending a hug,in the same zone as you emotionally...keep busy and talk about mum and how your feeling as often as you can ,love and hugs Nicci xxxx
desperately sad at seeing my mothers slow decline
Hi I totally relate to your sadness, as my mother is so like the mum I know and love but then when 4pm hits so does her dementia or when she is tired or agitated the questions are like a stuck record and it is always - I know I am not going home but I just wanted to know what has happened to all my stuff from the house and where am I going to live now ? Answering these questions is so painful, so sad and awful for my beloved mum who has been a very dedicated nurse all her life . I was also so shocked at seeing how much weight she has lost- this I put down to her slowly have difficulty in swallowing and she chokes at times but still loves eating certain dishes. I feel this disease is worse than cancer. One thing to remember, your mum finds huge comfort in seeing you and has no concept of time so as we do love every moment of her lucidity.
Hi I totally relate to your sadness, as my mother is so like the mum I know and love but then when 4pm hits so does her dementia or when she is tired or agitated the questions are like a stuck record and it is always - I know I am not going home but I just wanted to know what has happened to all my stuff from the house and where am I going to live now ? Answering these questions is so painful, so sad and awful for my beloved mum who has been a very dedicated nurse all her life . I was also so shocked at seeing how much weight she has lost- this I put down to her slowly have difficulty in swallowing and she chokes at times but still loves eating certain dishes. I feel this disease is worse than cancer. One thing to remember, your mum finds huge comfort in seeing you and has no concept of time so as we do love every moment of her lucidity.
Hello everyone
I can relate to everything that has been said and I send my good wishes to everyone.
My mum suffers from Vascular Dementia - Small Vessel Disease (diagnosed in Sept 2012) she has been in a nursing home for nearly a year, previous to that she was in a residential care home for five years, sadly, her previous home where she was settled could not manage her needs any more and asked us to find a new home for mum.
I wish I could turn the clock back and I often wonder if mum had returned to her flat after falling and breaking her hip, instead of going into a care home, would she have declined so much, physically and mentally.
I woke up this morning and felt a terrible sense of sadness. When visiting mum yesterday she was so withdrawn and had a very sad blank look about her. Mum does not always know that I am her daughter and frequently thinks I am her sister. Yesterday I was combing her hair and she looked up at me and said you are like a daughter, I could have cried. Most of the time I come away from the nursing home feeling so sad and empty. The carers seem to be kind and patient with mum but I find myself becoming inwardly annoyed when parts of her Care Plan aren't followed. I have brought these issues to the attention of the head of mum's unit and things settle down for a short while and then rear their ugly head again. Mum has so many different carers dealing with her and I don't think the carers always read mum's Care Plan re her personal care needs and this is where certain things are being missed out. Unfortunately the Unit manager does not appear to be a "Hands On" manager at all, unlike the manager in my mum's previous care home. I have got a meeting with the unit manager soon, I just hope I can get my points across effectively and that the meeting proves beneficial for mum.
So sorry to have rambled on. As many people have said this is a great forum and it is comforting to know that you are not on your own and people understand how you feel.
Kind regards to all.
I can relate to everything that has been said and I send my good wishes to everyone.
My mum suffers from Vascular Dementia - Small Vessel Disease (diagnosed in Sept 2012) she has been in a nursing home for nearly a year, previous to that she was in a residential care home for five years, sadly, her previous home where she was settled could not manage her needs any more and asked us to find a new home for mum.
I wish I could turn the clock back and I often wonder if mum had returned to her flat after falling and breaking her hip, instead of going into a care home, would she have declined so much, physically and mentally.
I woke up this morning and felt a terrible sense of sadness. When visiting mum yesterday she was so withdrawn and had a very sad blank look about her. Mum does not always know that I am her daughter and frequently thinks I am her sister. Yesterday I was combing her hair and she looked up at me and said you are like a daughter, I could have cried. Most of the time I come away from the nursing home feeling so sad and empty. The carers seem to be kind and patient with mum but I find myself becoming inwardly annoyed when parts of her Care Plan aren't followed. I have brought these issues to the attention of the head of mum's unit and things settle down for a short while and then rear their ugly head again. Mum has so many different carers dealing with her and I don't think the carers always read mum's Care Plan re her personal care needs and this is where certain things are being missed out. Unfortunately the Unit manager does not appear to be a "Hands On" manager at all, unlike the manager in my mum's previous care home. I have got a meeting with the unit manager soon, I just hope I can get my points across effectively and that the meeting proves beneficial for mum.
So sorry to have rambled on. As many people have said this is a great forum and it is comforting to know that you are not on your own and people understand how you feel.
Kind regards to all.
I cried when I read your post Claireybelle.. I empathise with you so much on this aspect as its how I feel with my mum all the time now. My heart goes out to you. x
