Image & Reality

[Grandma Joan]

Recently we have seen a

Social Worker
Health Care Assistant
GP
Practice Nurse

What frustrates me is that they ask MIL questions like:

Do you remember to take your medication every day? She answers YES
Do you have a hot meal every day? She answers YES
Do you manage to bath or shower regularly? She answers YES
Do you do your own Shopping? She Answers YES
Do you do your own cleaning & housework - she answers YES

well you get the jist .......

the problem is the true answer to all the above questions (&more) is NO! I do it all for her or she has a cleaner in one hour a week to do the hoovering etc.

But how do I interrupt and say something without hurting her pride? In all these questions her pride takes over and she gives what she knows to be the right answers but they bear no resemblance to reality.Or indeed she believes she does all these things but forgets someone else does them for her.

I do not want to hurt her feelings but unless the answers are accurate then we are not going to get the right help.
Shouldn't HCP's deal with these situations better ?
I end up saying "can I interrupt" and try to gently and without hurting her pride explain what really happens but it is so frustrating. I wish that all these questions could be asked of me separately beforehand and then when they meet MIL they can see what happens and how far from reality she is.

I guess I also want her to accept what is going on and acknowledge that she can't manage on her own anymore. Once she accepts that then it's going to be easier for us to get help in. We manage during the weeks we are home but when we go on holiday this is a major stumbling block and to a point prevents us booking the holiday we need. But we do need a holiday and 7 day a week caring takes it's toll and we need a break.

 

[CeliaW]

Hi Grandma Joan - its really difficult isn't it? Trying to preserve someones dignity and respect - and even self worth - but making sure that the true facts are recorded. Maybe it would be worth typing up a little list of what happens and giving it / sending it to the "professionals" before the visit?

Try dividing it into activities managed / not managed (with detail where helpful)

Physical abilities and issues / problems

Mental / Emotional issues.

That will give them a clearer picture but will also illustrate how she lacks understanding of what happens or how maybe she feels she must cover up what she cannot manage.

Good luck

 

[pippop1]

My MIL said the other day that she can't think of a single thing that the carers do for her!

She doesn't think that we do anything at all either.

The reality is SO different that I wouldn't know where to start. Basically between us and the carers everything is done for her from paying all bills and doing all shopping to making almost every scrap of food and the majority of drinks (I think she does do a glass of water for herself).

She cannot accept the reality so we have given up trying. This makes it v difficult to get her into a care home as she says "I have a bad hip but I cope very well with everything".

She will not accept the reality of her current situation (it's not a nice reality to accept though so perhaps that is a blessing?).

 

[pippop1]

When we had an assessment for her with a Social worker we wrote a 25 point document beforehand as to why she wasn't safe in her own home.

To everything she answered "Yes, of course I do that!" and laughed. It was v sad.

 

[cragmaid]

According to my Mum, when questionned, she can dance a fandango from here to Brighton with no help at all!!!!!!
I used to always have the letter written and in my hand to pass over immediately we went in for the appointments, telling of the things Mum could no longer manage and then sat back behind her and shook my head or nodded accordingly.

 

[cheeky1]

I feel your pain my dad is the same and you feel so disloyal correcting them or interupting and saying 'no you dont' its a horrible situation that really needs to change do the 'proffesionals' not realise the position the family member is in!!

 

[hollycat]

OH and I simply put things in WRITING after ANY/EVERY meeting/discussion with ALL professionals.

At a recent follow up meeting SS asked "how did you enjoy your recent holiday in USA" (mum had told SS that we were away to USA).

OH and I wrongly or rightly, took great pleasure in presenting the person asking with a copy of the letter that she had already received a few weeks ago !

The letter stated that we do not even have passports !

It is for this reason that we now put everything in writing.

SS in our area, by the way, are now asking us less questions, which you could argue is a worry.

In summary, I really feel for you in this very difficult situation.

 

[FifiMo]

I used to 'help' mum with her answers. Do you take your medication every day? Yes (Me- Yes that's right mum, I bring your tablets over for you and you are very good at takin them aren't you?). Do you have regular baths? Yes (Me - tell the Dr about the laugh we had when you were stuck in the bath and I was trying to help you out but you were so slippery weren't you? What did we say at the time? That you needed a chair that I can use to lower you into the bath and get you out again - that would be good wouldn't it). Do you do your own washing and cleaning? Yes (Me - yes you always help me by dusting the table don't you and you are very good at folding the towels for me aren't you.) Do you get your own shopping every week? Yes (Me - yes you do mum. Tell the man what we do - we take all the out of date food out of the fridge and we put it in the big bin outside don't we? Then we go in my car to Tesco don't we? We go to the cafe and you have a cup of tea and when we come home you have another cup whilst I put the shopping away, don't you? ) I didn't know there was a Tesco in this area now - well no there isn't - mum doesn't know where she shops - my point exactly! Grrrrrr

Another thing you can do (an OT told us this) is say to your mum, "Are you going to go and make your visitors a cup of tea?" OT said - very telling thing to do as it will become clear immediately if she knows how to make tea and find her way around the kitchen. Plus can she assess the situation that having guests causes - how many cups - who takes what - milk and sugar - teaspoons - biscuits... Can sum up the entirety of the current situation just in that one question - even when she suggests that you should go and do it.

That is one thing I hated. I hated being taken for a fool. Them looking for every reason not to do something when everything around is screaming that help is desperately needed. Sometimes you need to catch them and walk them out to their car and tell them then that your mum would be dead within a month if you weren't there doing all the caring 24/7 and that unless they wanted to test that theory, they had better make some arrangements. What does help is to then put in writing what you have told them. Harder for them to ignore the written word for fear of reprisals. In addition you can tell them that you think it is degrading for your mum to be asked such questions when you know that she has dementia and is unable to give accurate responses because of this. (Human rights and all that jazz).

Fiona

 

[lizzybean]

That's brilliant Fiona. Have always struggled with this one. Have found gentle ways of contradicting and have found that sometimes she can totally contradict herself in the same sentence!

I have printed out your advice for future use.

 

[Witzend]

I guess I also want her to accept what is going on and acknowledge that she can't manage on her own anymore. Once she accepts that then it's going to be easier for us to get help in.

I know it may not be the same with your mum, but past a certain stage my mother honestly believed she still managed everything. She was not 'in denial' - she simply could not remember, or was completely unaware, that for months or years she had not done her own shopping, cooking, managed her finances, you name it. If we ever tried to make her understand she would just become angry and upset and accuse us of all sorts, so we soon gave up trying.

It was always a case of a 'quiet private word' with whoever it was. I could never say these things in front of her - she would have been dreadfully upset and probably furious, too, and in any case absolutely hated anybody talking about her over her head. And I can't really say I blamed her.

Such difficult situations to cope with...