Sun Downing - I am at breaking point

[FifiMo]

Sometimes, people like your dad, need someone to step in and make the decisions for them. They can get in such a state that they are frozen by their fears and their concerns. The sad thing is though that by not reaching out for the help, the likelihood of a crisis happening increases.

In the circumstances, I think theh following thread applies equally to your mum and your dad.
http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/show...ionate-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired

I would consider giving your dad a set of choices that can be made about your mum and how best to manage the situation that you are all currently in.

If his greatest fear is losing her to a full time care home, then he has choices he can make to avoid (or delay) this happening. He can choose to agree to regular periods of respite (say one week per month), OR he can choose to have your mum go for day care for X days per week. You will have to be blunt. Those are the choices - no is not an option.

If respite is a preferred option, then again he has choices. He could go too and treat it almost like a week's holiday (you would get a week's holiday too). They could book the week in different homes each time. If they are self funding then that is something they can choose to do.

I also wouldn't let your dad play the blackmail card with you about him choosing to die before your mum has to go anywhere. I would be blunt about that too. I would tell him that he needs to consider her needs too. She needs some professional help to deal with these periods of sundowning. His stance is denying her this opportunity. Yes he might be scared about what is happening, but he surely doesn't want that to happen does he? The person he would die for must also be the person he wants the best for. With professional help, she could stay at home for much longer, which is the very thing he wants to happen.

It might be worthwhile you and your husband sitting down and preparing a list of these choices - keep it short and to the point about why this decision is needed now.

You are right in the new direction you are moving in. I do however feel that your dad is probably waiting for you to have done this so that it takes the burden of decision making away from him.

None of this has to end up being bad for any of you, including your mum. It could be that the solution you all come up with works for everyone and dementia aside, you all get a bit of what you want to see happen.

For the first respite, it might help your dad if you booked him in to have lunch with your mum on a couple of days. He too would then get to see how the place runs for himself. The staff, in turn, would get a chance to know him too and this could help him to see things as being an extention to the family rather than a division.

Everyone is here to support you and help you through this. When you feel you might waiver, we'll remind you of why you are doing things! LOL

Fiona

 

[Niloc]

On Saturday my husband went with me to look at what maybe Mums room at the CH.
It I'd a lovely room ANC the home is really lovely. We were left to walk around alone and talk to anyone we wanted the staff were great.

BUT I HAVENT SLEPT SINCE SATURDAY I am so scared and frightened of how MUM is going to react! let alone how heartbroken DAD is going to be .

I keep seeing her sitting in the home alone and so frightened and confused, she already get anxious when I am in a Cafe with her and she can't see me in the que, what am I doing to her.

I know Dad can't cope carrying on looking after her, infact he fell on Saturday and has broken a rib. The house is not really big enough to get a 24/7 care in the home even if Mum understood why they were there.

I am meeting the CH manager tommorow to discuss Mum and the way fwd this sems so final. And yet I just don't known what to do .Iam splitting my parents up and I don't think she will ever be even like she is now if she goes in. Please please help. I am just feeling awful



I

 

[Moonflower]

Ok, so as well as your mum's problems, your dad is elderly and frail. His biggest fear is being separated from you mum, so how about looking for a care home which would take both of them? Then you could explain to your dad that this room is a temporary measure to let you look around for somewhere which would rake them both.

Some dare homes have double rooms, some put couples in rooms next to each other.

Might that help?

 

[Niloc]

It is a thought, I did suggest a who jd back that he goes into somewhere with her but at the time he wasn't keen, might be worth another go thank you.

Ok, so as well as your mum's problems, your dad is elderly and frail. His biggest fear is being separated from you mum, so how about looking for a care home which would take both of them? Then you could explain to your dad that this room is a temporary measure to let you look around for somewhere which would rake them both.

Some dare homes have double rooms, some put couples in rooms next to each other.

Might that help?

 

[Kate and jack]

You have come along way since reading your first post. My dad is the same,he has said he will look after my mum until he is physically and mentally able. It's the generation isn't it, very loyal ,and hate to feel they have failed. It's so hard to tell them how we are feeling ,I'm an only child too, so we get told we have to always be strong.its so much pressure to do this on us sometimes.i think dementia can break us,and this is out of our ,or anyone's control sometimes. I hope you have some changes tomorrow when you visit the home,and that you are ok.the whole thing is just gut wrenching isn't it.but sounds like you are making positive steps,and for that you need a hug ,your doing all you can ,,hang in there lots of love Nicci xxxx

 

[Moonflower]

I do feel for you. It may help you and your dad a little if you try not to think of this as a permanent move. Just a break to have a rest, see if professional help can improve your mum so she is more peaceful and less tormented. Then you can see if your dad is happy with her there and him visiting, or if another solution would be better.

You must be exhausted and that makes it impossible to think straight. Don't feel guilty, you are doing what is best for your mum, who needs more help than you and your dad can possibly give her at the moment.

 

[Owly]

Mum is suffering so badly with sun downing, it is breaking my heart I just don't know how to cope anymore.

I then seem to be in the middle of a family eruption in a daily basis that I can't control -and i am scared.

Things over the months and weeks have got worse.

I know he is scared .........he is going to kill himself looking after her.

I am with them everyday for 12 hours and then come home to my husband and just sob.

Yesterday was awful, sun downing despite taking her for a ride in the car lasted, 6 hours, at one point Mum went to hit him with her handbag, he pushed her back in her chair, it was awful. My parents have been married 60 years next month and have been so happy, to see them like they now are is heartbreaking.

I just want this to end

dear Niloc, read again some of your words from your first post on this thread.

Can it be any worse than this?

I think it can be so much better. Your mum feeling safe and secure because there are people around her all the time. Sundowning is a kind of cry for help because the sufferer doesn't feel safe any more, where they are, and they try to return to a place where they did feel safe.

You know you can't be with your Mum all day like you have been. It's killing you too, never mind your Dad.

Fate has stepped in to lend a hand. Now your Dad is in pain (I know too, my Mum bruised or fractured her ribs a week ago) and this is the way you are going to present it to your Mum, that Dad is unable to care while he's in pain and there are lovely people just up the street who are going to look after her for a while.

On the NHS website it says that bruised/fractured ribs can take 3-6 weeks to heal. Can you leave your Dad in this situation with your Mum while this healing is trying to take place?

Be strong now, you are absolutely doing the right thing for everyone.

Visualise your Mum settling quickly and appreciating the consistent company all around her. It's going to work out all right.]

Maybe it would be good for your Dad too, but in separate rooms, I'd suggest.

(((((hugs)))))

Owly