I've done it again.......

[lulubel]

Just when I thought I was sort of doing ok with managing the frustration, the repeating, the irrational anxiety, I have committed the worse sin and engaged in a hum-dinger with Mum. I'm so cross with myself, but there seems to be a limit to how much criticism I can take.
Mum moved in with us (hubby and 3 boys) nearly 2 years ago, and Alz and VasDem was diagnosed last year. Since then, she has rapidly forgotten how lonely she was in the few years before she moved. So now all I get is how awful life is now (she refuses to go to any activities, day care etc), and how much better it was before she moved. How awful and messy the house is, the children don't behave like Victorian children.....and on it goes.
Nothing is ever right (but she's always been like that). I can't go out in the evenings (without hubby) because she causes merry hell. She's very reluctant to help with any light chores around the house, although often berates me for not doing things for her that she's quite capable of.....
She won't entertain the idea of outside help, because there's 'nothing wrong with her'.... ughhhh!!!

Just needed a bit of a rant...
Thank you for listening/reading...

Lu xx

 

[helly71]

Hi , the important thing is, you know how much you are doing to support her. Alot of people would do alot less and that's ok when you have a growing family to think about. How does this all affect your children? Can you get any respite care? it sounds like you are in a difficult situation. X

 

[Owly]

None of us are saints and I think I'd have been humdinging too if I had to put up with all that from my parent(s).

So don't feel bad about yourself. No-one is meant to be an emotional punchbag for other people's displeasure.

Do you find that if you humding with Mum, she gets any better at all? Some people with dementia seem perfectly able to modify their behaviour for different people and at different times and if "spoken back to" can actually apologise and be a bit nicer for a while.

Could you possibly get some outside help in, perhaps described as "a friend of yours" because of course you're not going to leave the house (you and hubby) and leave Mum with the kids in case the kids play up while you're gone .....

Do you get enough time away from her to refresh your brain and be able to focus on other, more pleasant things?

 

[Spamar]

OH definitely gets 'better' if I lose it and tell him his behaviour is not right. Just as he can appear as if butter wouldn't melt when there are strangers around

 

[lulubel]

Thank you for your replies!!
She doesn't, I'm afraid improve after a 'telling'. The emotional blackmail starts.... 'I wish I'd never come...' 'You'll be better off without me' or more crossly, 'You treat me like a child'. all of which just has to be ignored, and that is my cue to walk off, which I do every time.
She is undoubtedly bored, but has not really the capacity to try anything new. She doesn't see the point of jigsaws, or needlecraft, or anything arty. She losing capacity also to socialize. She tells everyone how unfriendly people are, and then wonders why she got no new friends!!
I'm hoping to get a befriender sorted very soon, for when I'm at work.
Then, the next step will be respite...... I'm dreading it. The awful thing is, its easier to just keep the peace, but hubby and I will need a night off together soon! She absolutely will not be left alone with the children, under any circumstances, at any time of day! In fact, she won't be left in the evening, where I could leave the children for a couple of hours (my eldest is 14, before anyone panics!!)

Just having a very frustrating day. She agreed to go to day centre, then phoned them to say she only wanted to go for a half day. She would then be brought home after lunch. So she's now phoned them back and said she doesn't want to stay for lunch. And finally, she's phoned them again, to say she will go, but not til the week after next!! Its all delaying tactics, but I wonder if she's now got the capacity to really cope with a situation like this. In which case a befriender would be a much better option....

Honestly, there, I've gone on again!!

Does me good though, to let it out!!

Thank you, Lu xxx

 

[pippop1]

I think you should try for both things. Daycare and a befriender, both can be increased if she deteriorates and it's good to get her used to both things.

Also, it sounds like this situation is very hard on your family and, if you don't mind me saying, I think it would be rather difficult for a 14 year old to be left with your Mum as she might not give reliable advice in an emergency and he/she might have to choose between ignoring his grandmother (who likes respect? Victorian children.....) and doing the right/safe thing. Too much for a 14 year old to handle IMO.

It may be that in your Mum's heart she knows she is not quite right and so refuses to be alone with the children as she feels she cannot be responsible for them.

The 14 year old (and younger ones) might be OK for a couple of hours but add your Mum into the mix and surely that changes things. What if she wanted to cook but forgot to turn off a pan for example? Should the 14 year old be held responsible?

 

[cragmaid]

When our youngsters say, I'm bored, I can't I won't, nobody loves me etc. etc we grimace and shout get on with it, get over it,read a book or whatever.
When Mum does it we ( that's you, me and every other person who has had to put up with Dementia/aged parents) grimace, smile and try to make things better, until, usually, the pressure blows, words get said and sulks appear and we end up weeping.
You are on the right track with the ignoring and walking away, can I just add try saying " Look Mum, what do you want?". When she starts on about how she want's this and doesn't want that I'm afraid you have to toughen up and say "these are your options. Stay here with us because we love you and want you here but you have to go to the day centre each ( ? day) for the full day. If you don't then THEY are going to stop you going at all and you will be even more bored and also THEY might well say that you are not well enough to be living here and MAKE you live in a home all the time". She will come back with the " You don't love me/want me here etc." After which you go back to the reassurance that you do love her and want her to be happy, but things must change.

By the way....this is a lot easier to say now that my Mum is in a home and I haven't got to face this argument everyday.

 

[hollycat]

but there seems to be a limit to how much criticism I can take. QUOTE]

Of course there is a limit. You are ONLY human. I too can only take so much !

Please try and feel NO guilt; we are all only human and can only take so much.

I have learned, as mums disease has progressed, to take ADVANTAGE of the actual disease itself; what ?

Mum went to day centre one day a week. To get her there 2 days a week, OH and I briefed the staff and they gave MUM the impression that she was helping THEM out by going for another day; mum now thinks she WORKS THERE !

Mum now LOVES day centre. Please try and take advantage of the disease and please consider that if mum forgets anything, that is your cue to take ADVANTAGE.

I hope my waffle makes sense ?

 

[lulubel]

Thank you, that is all lovely advice.
I can assure you all that I never leave the children and her together without my OH or myself there. Neither should be responsible for the other, although I have had to leave the children unattended for a short time, while I drop her at the hairdressers, for example.
I think you're right though, I've got to be a bit more assertive, although its easier to get my teenager up for school, than it is to get her ready to go out before 1030 in the morning!!! I've just discovered from her, that she may not be sleeping that well. She told me she wakes up in the night, and eats biscuits for about an hour, which would explain why she struggles to get up in the mornings. Not really sundowning, but maybe a sign of things to come.

Thank you TP friends, so reassuring to know you're all there with good advice, thank you...

Lulu xx

 

[Di Lavers]

I can sympathize. I have just done the same. Mum is really trying my nerves and has left me in tears but now she is doing what I asked her. Just done the worst thing and said wished she was in a home.

 

[Bree]

My mum was just like this, and she didn't suffer from dementia ! It can make your life hell, she used to make my OH mad as well as me. Luckily she lived over the road from us, but she was demanding and critical all the time.

When I looked back, I realised that my dad ruined her, she could have anything she wanted, so when he died, she resented being left ,telling me that she should have died before him. She then expected me to indulge her, even though I worked full time. When she died, a neighbour who she spent some time with when I was at work told me "you do know you couldn't do anything right for her don't you ". Another neighbour brought me flowers, as she too could see what went on.

Don't think you are alone, the burden will lift one day, just hang on in there, you must think of yourself and your family for a change.

 

[lulubel]

Oh Di Lavers, that's so reassuring. It was all I could do to stop myself saying exactly that!! Just maybe that's the sort of thing she needs to hear, but I feel so cruel knowing that most of what comes out of her mouth is not really 'her'.
xxx

 

[Di Lavers]

Oh Di Lavers, that's so reassuring. It was all I could do to stop myself saying exactly that!! Just maybe that's the sort of thing she needs to hear, but I feel so cruel knowing that most of what comes out of her mouth is not really 'her'.
xxx

She now tells me she wants to get a job. She is almost 84 and struggles doing most things. We have been out for a coffee and a bacon roll. She is being overly nice to me again.

 

[lulubel]

That sounds lovely! I ordered her some flowers yesterday for Mother's Day, they've just arrived and do look lovely. I think I might be off the hook for a little while!!
xx

 

[bilslin]

Must be really hard for Lu, my mum lives across the road from me so when I want to blow I can walk home. This disease affects everyone it touches. The little white lies come to mind, tell her that she's got to go to day centre because you have to do ie work hospital appointment or you're got something that takes you out of the house in some way. My mum started day centre and seems to like it, can't remember a thing what she's done but because she's had a good time there, in the head some where theres a good feeling. thank goodness. I get a break too knowing she safe fed and looked after. You sound you need that break too. Hope you can get your mum to go one way or the other. lindaxx