I have only just seen this new forum, (some time since I've felt able to come on here).
John is 65 and was diagnosed at 62, though I knew myself for some time before I could get him diagnosed. He is what the Psychologist described as "high functioning", confident and authoritative, which had the medics fooled for some time. Unfortunately I think I must be described as a "Low functioning carer", because I just couldn't stand up to him and cope physically, mentally or stamina wise. He was in and out of respite more frequently till I finally reached the realisation I just couldn't have him back at home.
It was the cruellest decision I have ever had to make, or that ANYONE should have to make. It seemed and still feels inhuman - how could I do it to the person I love and have loved since our teens. I feel Alzheimers makes pygmies of us all eventually, but me much quicker than anyone else. The CPN, Social Services and all my family and son advised he needed 24 hour care for our "safety" and my health, which finally helped me make the decision.
His respite became permanent care a week ago and I feel like a 'child murderer' or some sort of monster. In fact I'm finding it almost as hard to live without him as it was to live with him. The grief alone is exhausting - what I would give for just 10 minutes with MY JOHN , as he was pre AD. Trying to cope with him as he is now, without the help of John as he was then is what I just can't do.
Every visiting session at the home is just torture as John's sole topic is my conduct in putting him in, and desperately wanting to come home with me, I now have to slip out while the staff keep him otherwise engaged as he races out as soon as the door is opened. They are slowly gaining his trust to do the dreaded things like go to bed, change his clothes, personal hygiene etc but not on a regular basis. And he eats their food, all things he refused to do for me.
I have just read the recent posts here and the feelings of deja vu and regret are overwhelming . I know I can't cope so I can't regret the decision to put him in, I just regret that I was no longer able to face living with it all day and night any longer like a lot of you still are. I just feel like a fraud in comparison to all of you.
Goodnight, godbless and here's hoping for the welcoming arms of sleep.
Jackie
John is 65 and was diagnosed at 62, though I knew myself for some time before I could get him diagnosed. He is what the Psychologist described as "high functioning", confident and authoritative, which had the medics fooled for some time. Unfortunately I think I must be described as a "Low functioning carer", because I just couldn't stand up to him and cope physically, mentally or stamina wise. He was in and out of respite more frequently till I finally reached the realisation I just couldn't have him back at home.
It was the cruellest decision I have ever had to make, or that ANYONE should have to make. It seemed and still feels inhuman - how could I do it to the person I love and have loved since our teens. I feel Alzheimers makes pygmies of us all eventually, but me much quicker than anyone else. The CPN, Social Services and all my family and son advised he needed 24 hour care for our "safety" and my health, which finally helped me make the decision.
His respite became permanent care a week ago and I feel like a 'child murderer' or some sort of monster. In fact I'm finding it almost as hard to live without him as it was to live with him. The grief alone is exhausting - what I would give for just 10 minutes with MY JOHN , as he was pre AD. Trying to cope with him as he is now, without the help of John as he was then is what I just can't do.
Every visiting session at the home is just torture as John's sole topic is my conduct in putting him in, and desperately wanting to come home with me, I now have to slip out while the staff keep him otherwise engaged as he races out as soon as the door is opened. They are slowly gaining his trust to do the dreaded things like go to bed, change his clothes, personal hygiene etc but not on a regular basis. And he eats their food, all things he refused to do for me.
I have just read the recent posts here and the feelings of deja vu and regret are overwhelming . I know I can't cope so I can't regret the decision to put him in, I just regret that I was no longer able to face living with it all day and night any longer like a lot of you still are. I just feel like a fraud in comparison to all of you.
Goodnight, godbless and here's hoping for the welcoming arms of sleep.
Jackie