Sun Downing - I am at breaking point

Niloc

Registered User
Dec 18, 2013
25
0
Mum is suffering so badly with sun downing, it is breaking my heart I just don't know how to cope anymore.
Mum is 84 and lives with my Dad 82 just round the corner from me ( only child) . Mum was diagnosed 8 years ago and because she is so anxious about strangers we have been dealing with most of the things we have encountered with support from just Mums Gp , who is brilliant and understands

. I do take her to see the M. Nurse at the referral
clinic , but unfortunately find that this is hopeless. The nurse who has worked in mental Heath for over 15 years has only just got involved in Dementia and does not know what sun downing is and when I explain how distressed Mum gets - wanting to go home , wanting her parents she looks at me and makes me feel I am exaggerating the situation. The sun downing happens everyday in the afternoon and can last for up to 4hours. Dad shouts at her, (he has a heart condition) and I then seem to be in the middle of a family eruption in a daily basis that I can't control - and i am scared

Things over the months and weeks have got worse, I get mums water samples done almost on a fortnightly basis , blood pressure checked monthly , and her education checked monthly,she is on Aricept, Lorezepin, mirtzapin and risperdal.

Dad refuses help from outsiders, he will not agree to letting me put her into rest bite for a break, a beautiful care home 5minutes away had a vacancy but had backed out at had last minute.

He says he is prepared to die rather than be separated from her, and that when he dies fine mum will have to go into care.

I know he is scared , and so am I because I am going to loose both of them, I am not just looking after a Mum but trying to care for Dad,because he is going to kill himself looking after her.

I am with them everyday for 12 hours and the come home to my husband and just sob.

Yesterday was awful , sun downing despite taking her for a ride in the car lasted, 6 hours, at one point Mum went to hit him with her handbag, he pushed her back in her chair, it was awful. My parents have been married 60 years next month and have been so happy, to see them like they now are is heartbreaking, I don't know what to do.


I have just rung Dad before going round to see how the night went and he said fine. I tried as usual to discuss what happened yesterday and he refuses to discuss it. All he says is he can handle things- but he can't. He then gets angry at me because I am crying , I know he is stressed, but so am I. I suggested again that we need help and he just puts gage phone down on me.

I am normally a well organised and practical person , but I am so scared as to what is going to happen next I can't think straight anymore .

I am sorry this is so rambling but I just needed to put my thoughts somewhere . I know there is no answer so please don't think bad of me that I just want this to end
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,442
0
Kent
It`s so upsetting to read your post Niloc.

Your poor dad must be so frightened of losing your mum he is prepared to put up with anything rather than feel he has let her down.

I really don`t know how you can change his mind. He feels his life will be over without her so either way he really is in a no win situation. If he sends her for respite care, what will he do by himself when all he has known for 60 years is life with your mum.
 

CollegeGirl

Registered User
Jan 19, 2011
9,525
0
North East England
Hi Niloc, I'm so, so sorry that this is happening. I am just off to work but didn't want to read and run without giving you some support.

Clearly things can't carry on like this. Could you go to your own GP and talk to him/her about ways that might help YOU cope?

Have you considered stepping back for your own mental health's sake - you sound like you're heading for a breakdown, and I understand because the same almost happened to me.

I must go now, but others will be along very soon to offer more (better) advice and I will come back when I'm home from work.

Together we can help get you through this, you are not alone xxx
 

Ann Mac

Registered User
Oct 17, 2013
3,693
0
You poor thing - you sound absolutely worn to the bone :(

Sundowning is absolutely horrendous to deal with, we are having a hell of a time with my Mil, at the moment - although it still isn't as bad as it has been in the past. If Dad won't accept any practical help, have you considered medication? We had to resort to that - in the end - and its made a big difference for several months. We have respiredone given .5g twice daily, and lorazepan (.5) given prn - there are other meds, too. I know there are associated side effects that some worry about, but when sundowning is so bad that it affects health - as it sounds like it is with your Mum (and yourself and your Dad) - then I think the risks outweigh the benefits.

Please take care

Ann x
 

LYN T

Registered User
Aug 30, 2012
6,958
0
Brixham Devon
Think bad of you? Never! You are under terrible stress and I'm afraid something has to give.

You know that your Dad needs help before a crisis happens. From the sound of things both of your parents are very vulnerable; pushing/shoving/hitting can lead to falls etc. Plus your Dad's heart condition has to be considered.

Is there a SW assigned to your Mum? If so contact him/her and mention there is a vulnerable adult at risk. If there is no SW send a letter to your Mum's GP so he has all the facts. You say the GP is understanding so he/she should involve Social Services.

Unfortunately, if your Dad refused help things may come to a head and SS's may become involved if a crisis happens

I'm so sorry you are having to face this

Take care

Lyn T
 

Niloc

Registered User
Dec 18, 2013
25
0
Hi thank you for your reply, yes I will arrange to see the Gp again soon. Others have suggested I step back , but I am their only support and I am too afraid of the consequences.

My mum was always my vest friend , we could talk about everything , even when we disagreed we still understood each other and would listen, this is what I am struggling with, because my dad has never been one to show emotion.

So now when we should be comfort for each other , he just tells me to be stronger , and that he doesn't want to discuss anything about what is happening . Therefore knowing how much he is bottling up and what thus us doing to him , I just can't not be there, however much it scares and upsets me.

I try to say to him that if we carry on both of us are going to be ill and then what happens , he just looks send me and says - well so be it , end of discussion.

I feel so disloyal criticising him , but am also so angry that he is putting us all on a self destruction path. If only he would talk.








Hi Niloc, I'm so, so sorry that this is happening. I am just off to work but didn't want to read and run without giving you some support.

Clearly things can't carry on like this. Could you go to your own GP and talk to him/her about ways that might help YOU cope?

Have you considered stepping back for your own mental health's sake - you sound like you're heading for a breakdown, and I understand because the same almost happened to me.

I must go now, but others will be along very soon to offer more (better) advice and I will come back when I'm home from work.

Together we can help get you through this, you are not alone xxx
 

Owly

Registered User
Jun 6, 2011
537
0
Niloc, 12 hours a day with your parents is far, far too long in view of the situation you describe, and although your Dad is prepared to let himself get ill (even die? or "self-destruct"?) this is not something that you should accept for yourself. I can hear your exhaustion and I bet that even once you get home, and into bed, you cannot easily sleep because all that stuff is churning round and round in your brain.

So you need to step back. Is there a part of the day, like the mornings when things may not have escalated, that you could absent yourself from, in order to go and do something completely different and calming and distracting from your parents' concerns, so that you come back refreshed for an afternoon/evening stint with them?

I think you will have to involve the professionals regardless of what your Dad says, and perhaps think up some special treats/outings that you could take him on, if your Mum were to go into respite care for a week. He does seem to have a grim kind of stoicism though and I wonder if such treats will be sufficient enticement?

Anyway, you can contact Social Services on your own behalf and ask for an urgent Carer's Assessment for yourself, and alert them to the fact that your parents are treading a tightwire in terms of a serious crisis happening, and that some means must be found to de-fuse the tenseness of the situation.

It may well be time to stop trying to get Dad's agreement/approval of what you need to do, and to start meeting his and Mum's needs (not his 'wants'). That means doing what is in the best interests firstly of Mum who has dementia and secondarily of Dad. And you of course!

Otherwise you are at great risk of mental/physical illness yourself, so please get help ASAP. You said you can't think straight anymore, you wrote the word "medication" as "education".....

What does your hubby think about it all?
.
 
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Rageddy Anne

Registered User
Feb 21, 2013
5,984
0
Cotswolds
I think that sometimes a person at the end of their tether like your father may have more than one reason to try and avoid the care home or respite option, and could that be that he's worried about financing one or the other? If he is worried about finance he almost certainly wouldn't want to share that worry with you. I wonder if it would help if you mentioned in passing that there are allowances to help with costs, and see what he says. Just a thought....

It must be so awful for you, and I hope you can get some help, for all your sakes.
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
73,993
0
72
Dundee
I agree with Owly about the carer's assessment. Here's a Factsheet about the process of Community Care Assessment. The carer's assessment is part of that process-

http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/download.php?fileID=1812

I think it's shocking that the nurse at the memory clinic knows nothing about sundowning!! Perhaps you should print off this Factsheet and send it to her! There's a section on sundowning in it.

http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/documents_info.php?documentID=159
 

CollegeGirl

Registered User
Jan 19, 2011
9,525
0
North East England
Back from work now, and popped in to see how things are. I see you have had more advice and support, and I agree with everything that everyone else has said.

I feel a bit of an affinity with you because we seem to be in a very similar situation, although I do not spend the amount of time with my parents that you do. But everything else is largely the same (only child, daughter, married, mam with Alzheimer's and dad looking after her etc).

If you look through any of my past posts (and don't worry, I know you won't have the time or the energy to do that) you would see that I have written more or less the same as this sentence from your post:

"I know he is scared , and so am I because I am going to loose both of them, I am not just looking after a Mum but trying to care for Dad,because he is going to kill himself looking after her."

And I too have been as terrified as you are.

You need support. Would your husband speak to your dad for you? He must be very concerned about you. My husband really doesn't like to muscle in, but on a couple of occasions, he has, and he's spoken to my dad without my knowledge, when he feels things have gone too far. Your husband may be able to see a bigger picture because he is just a little bit less emotionally attached to your parents than you are. He could tell your dad that he is going to insist that you spend less time with them, and if that means they must get some external support in place, to take some of the pressure off, then so be it. But he will not allow you to become ill, so if they refuse to do this, they will have to manage. That sort of thing.

There is support out there that can be accessed, ranging from full respite stays, to carers coming in to help for all sorts of things, to support groups, day centres, social activities etc. They really don't have to cope alone.

I know and understand completely - please believe me, I really do - when you say that you are all they have, but I am begging you, please do consider backing off even if just a little, because otherwise I can see that not just one, nor two, but three people are going to be lost.

Backing off, and anti-depressants, and a loving husband and two wonderful daughters brought me back from the brink. It's still not plain sailing, not at all, but I do feel so much better than I did a couple of years back, and I want that for you too.

I hope you don't feel bullied by my post as that's not my intention, but reading your post was like looking back into my own past, and I really feel for you.

xx
 
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bilslin

Registered User
Jan 17, 2014
762
0
hertforshire
Hi niloc I agree with everyone. I remember everyone saying to me to take a step back. At the beginning I had my dad very ill with lots of things wrong with him heart kidney lungs the list went on and having my mum with AD. Then dad passed away and my mum has got worse as time as gone on. I to was in control well I thought I was . but this disease has away of creeping up on you and many a time I was on the edge so please please get some help. Your dads in denial and frightened. he needs help. Or it will get to him too. Hope you get on ok take care lindaxx
 

islandtrees

Registered User
Jun 17, 2013
32
0
Canvey Island, Essex
There is 1 way

Mum is suffering so badly with sun downing, it is breaking my heart I just don't know how to cope anymore.
Mum is 84 and lives with my Dad 82 just round the corner from me ( only child) . Mum was diagnosed 8 years ago and because she is so anxious about strangers we have been dealing with most of the things we have encountered with support from just Mums Gp , who is brilliant and understands

. I do take her to see the M. Nurse at the referral
clinic , but unfortunately find that this is hopeless. The nurse who has worked in mental Heath for over 15 years has only just got involved in Dementia and does not know what sun downing is and when I explain how distressed Mum gets - wanting to go home , wanting her parents she looks at me and makes me feel I am exaggerating the situation. The sun downing happens everyday in the afternoon and can last for up to 4hours. Dad shouts at her, (he has a heart condition) and I then seem to be in the middle of a family eruption in a daily basis that I can't control - and i am scared

Things over the months and weeks have got worse, I get mums water samples done almost on a fortnightly basis , blood pressure checked monthly , and her education checked monthly,she is on Aricept, Lorezepin, mirtzapin and risperdal.

Dad refuses help from outsiders, he will not agree to letting me put her into rest bite for a break, a beautiful care home 5minutes away had a vacancy but had backed out at had last minute.

He says he is prepared to die rather than be separated from her, and that when he dies fine mum will have to go into care.

I know he is scared , and so am I because I am going to loose both of them, I am not just looking after a Mum but trying to care for Dad,because he is going to kill himself looking after her.

I am with them everyday for 12 hours and the come home to my husband and just sob.

Yesterday was awful , sun downing despite taking her for a ride in the car lasted, 6 hours, at one point Mum went to hit him with her handbag, he pushed her back in her chair, it was awful. My parents have been married 60 years next month and have been so happy, to see them like they now are is heartbreaking, I don't know what to do.


I have just rung Dad before going round to see how the night went and he said fine. I tried as usual to discuss what happened yesterday and he refuses to discuss it. All he says is he can handle things- but he can't. He then gets angry at me because I am crying , I know he is stressed, but so am I. I suggested again that we need help and he just puts gage phone down on me.

I am normally a well organised and practical person , but I am so scared as to what is going to happen next I can't think straight anymore .

I am sorry this is so rambling but I just needed to put my thoughts somewhere . I know there is no answer so please don't think bad of me that I just want this to end

My best friend of 45 years did it, sounds harsh&wont be easy but things just can't go on the way they are for all of you. Her Mum had AD, slept only 4 nights, became aggressive&wanted "her Bill" back or her "proper house" etc. We all helped as much as we could but her Dad had health problems of his own (inc kidney removed) He would NEVER have agreed to send her away but for his sake&her own sanity she had to make an extremely difficult decision to have her Mum sectioned. She then lived on in a lovely care home nearby for 4 years&absolutely loved it! (SO MUCH that if taken out for a treat by my friend or her sons ALL SHE WANTED WAS TO GO "HOME"AGAIN! I hope you can find the strength to go over your Dad's head&do it. He doesn't have to know it was your decision, speak to the doctor soon. Love Teresa
 

Feline

Registered User
Oct 25, 2012
163
0
East Devon
Mum is suffering so badly with sun downing, it is breaking my heart I just don't know how to cope anymore.
Mum is 84 and lives with my Dad 82 just round the corner from me ( only child) . Mum was diagnosed 8 years ago and because she is so anxious about strangers we have been dealing with most of the things we have encountered with support from just Mums Gp , who is brilliant and understands

. I do take her to see the M. Nurse at the referral
clinic , but unfortunately find that this is hopeless. The nurse who has worked in mental Heath for over 15 years has only just got involved in Dementia and does not know what sun downing is and when I explain how distressed Mum gets - wanting to go home , wanting her parents she looks at me and makes me feel I am exaggerating the situation. The sun downing happens everyday in the afternoon and can last for up to 4hours. Dad shouts at her, (he has a heart condition) and I then seem to be in the middle of a family eruption in a daily basis that I can't control - and i am scared

Things over the months and weeks have got worse, I get mums water samples done almost on a fortnightly basis , blood pressure checked monthly , and her education checked monthly,she is on Aricept, Lorezepin, mirtzapin and risperdal.

Dad refuses help from outsiders, he will not agree to letting me put her into rest bite for a break, a beautiful care home 5minutes away had a vacancy but had backed out at had last minute.

He says he is prepared to die rather than be separated from her, and that when he dies fine mum will have to go into care.

I know he is scared , and so am I because I am going to loose both of them, I am not just looking after a Mum but trying to care for Dad,because he is going to kill himself looking after her.

I am with them everyday for 12 hours and the come home to my husband and just sob.

Yesterday was awful , sun downing despite taking her for a ride in the car lasted, 6 hours, at one point Mum went to hit him with her handbag, he pushed her back in her chair, it was awful. My parents have been married 60 years next month and have been so happy, to see them like they now are is heartbreaking, I don't know what to do.


I have just rung Dad before going round to see how the night went and he said fine. I tried as usual to discuss what happened yesterday and he refuses to discuss it. All he says is he can handle things- but he can't. He then gets angry at me because I am crying , I know he is stressed, but so am I. I suggested again that we need help and he just puts gage phone down on me.

I am normally a well organised and practical person , but I am so scared as to what is going to happen next I can't think straight anymore .

I am sorry this is so rambling but I just needed to put my thoughts somewhere . I know there is no answer so please don't think bad of me that I just want this to end

Do you think your Dad would agree to going with your Mum for respite? Some homes will cater for carers as well. Your Dad would then be with her but staff could take the strain and provide meals and care. It would give you time to reflect and reassess the situation while you get a break too. All I can think of apart from suggestions that have already been offered.
 

Niloc

Registered User
Dec 18, 2013
25
0
Thank you for your reply, financing would not be the issue. Mum would be self funded and Dad understands this.

I think as one reply has said, he can't really cope looking after her , but he also can't cope living without her. Despite assurances that I will be there for him and if mum went into care he / we could still see her everyday, for him this is not the same and he would be lost with out her.







OTE=Rageddy Anne;900978]I think that sometimes a person at the end of their tether like your father may have more than one reason to try and avoid the care home or respite option, and could that be that he's worried about financing one or the other? If he is worried about finance he almost certainly wouldn't want to share that worry with you. I wonder if it would help if you mentioned in passing that there are allowances to help with costs, and see what he says. Just a thought....

It must be so awful for you, and I hope you can get some help, for all your sakes.[/QUOTE]
 

Niloc

Registered User
Dec 18, 2013
25
0
CG thank you for your support, no way do I feel bullied by your post, if anything, your words calm me down and highlight so many similarities.

My husband is very supportive and over the last few months has also struggled to know what to do to help me. He is a very gentle man and confrontation is not in his nature, so as much as he wants to speak about this to Dad , like me he knows what will happen, dad will close up on him, and then I will get involved if he rebukes my husband like he does on occasions to me, then I will have more problems.

My husband with Dads agreement took him to see the CH 5 minutes from Dad and I , after my husband supported me in visiting about 6 homes recently, and honestly this one down the road , not only looks like a 5 star hotel, but has excellent feedback along with excellent inspection reports. Despite this Dad just said to my husband - yes I have seen it - so leave it at that.

After yet another stressful day yesterday, ironically I got a call from this home last night saying a room had become available ( we have been on the list for 4 months and would be self funded). I just sobbed on the phone because I had to turn it down.

The lady was really understanding and as I have been into this home about 4 times now,discussing our situation , she really understand our situation she was great.

Obviously they will keep mum on the list and have suggested I pop in again next week to see if day care could be tried. I just felt so down again, I know it is going to be stressful putting Mum into Care , but with such a lovely home, great staff , I am concerned that if and when we get to a point where a crisis occurs which we can't calm down, Mum will get taken into emergency care and with all due respect be placed somewhere that brings all the CH nightmares to roost.

Needless to say I mentioned the call to Dad and he just glared at me and said NO.

So CG I am going to try and stand back a bit as you and others are all suggesting, because at the moment I just feel like I am being battered from both sides. I will still be visiting them everyday, but not for as long, I need to pull back gradually , and accept that something will happen that I am fearful of , but at least I will be close by and can get there within minutes. Mums neighbours are great, whilst they don't go in , they keep and eye out and have said they would ring me if they hear or see anything that seems odd.

I really appreciated your replies yesterday, and in the early hours of this morning when I couldn't sleep looked over some of your other posts / responses and you are a wonderfully understanding person. We are lucky to have you , and I hope you too have found your own Angel on the forum that supports you.







Back from work now, and popped in to see how things are. I see you have had more advice and support, and I agree with everything that everyone else has said.

I feel a bit of an affinity with you because we seem to be in a very similar situation, although I do not spend the amount of time with my parents that you do. But everything else is largely the same (only child, daughter, married, mam with Alzheimer's and dad looking after her etc).

If you look through any of my past posts (and don't worry, I know you won't have the time or the energy to do that) you would see that I have written more or less the same as this sentence from your post:

"I know he is scared , and so am I because I am going to loose both of them, I am not just looking after a Mum but trying to care for Dad,because he is going to kill himself looking after her."

And I too have been as terrified as you are.

You need support. Would your husband speak to your dad for you? He must be very concerned about you. My husband really doesn't like to muscle in, but on a couple of occasions, he has, and he's spoken to my dad without my knowledge, when he feels things have gone too far. Your husband may be able to see a bigger picture because he is just a little bit less emotionally attached to your parents than you are. He could tell your dad that he is going to insist that you spend less time with them, and if that means they must get some external support in place, to take some of the pressure off, then so be it. But he will not allow you to become ill, so if they refuse to do this, they will have to manage. That sort of thing.

There is support out there that can be accessed, ranging from full respite stays, to carers coming in to help for all sorts of things, to support groups, day centres, social activities etc. They really don't have to cope alone.

I know and understand completely - please believe me, I really do - when you say that you are all they have, but I am begging you, please do consider backing off even if just a little, because otherwise I can see that not just one, nor two, but three people are going to be lost.

Backing off, and anti-depressants, and a loving husband and two wonderful daughters brought me back from the brink. It's still not plain sailing, not at all, but I do feel so much better than I did a couple of years back, and I want that for you too.

I hope you don't feel bullied by my post as that's not my intention, but reading your post was like looking back into my own past, and I really feel for you.

xx
 

Niloc

Registered User
Dec 18, 2013
25
0
To everyone who has replied thank you so much. It's Coming through loud and clear that I need to step back for a bit. I know this to be true but it's hard, I have to consider the consequences , but as some close friends have told me, I am never going to change my Dad , and whilst I feel like I am failing him, maybe I have to be cruel to be kind. I will try over the weekend to pull back, I will still go round daily but perhaps not stay as long.

I will try , thank you all
 

Niloc

Registered User
Dec 18, 2013
25
0
Terrible day : left Dad with Mum this morning, and Sundowning started early 12:00 so on arriving Dad was getting in a state because Mum was wanting to go home and see her parents. As usual nothing he said could pacify her, and then he said he would go upstairs to try and let me calm her down.

To cut a long story short 3 hrs later things were no better, a Mum was getting more agitated, and trying to gather to take her Meds w as a nightmare.

Dad came down and looked at me and said what can we do? He looked so frightened because deep down he knows we can no longer cope without help. I took him into the garden and explained that if we only agree to the room that's available in the home down the road , although it's going to be stressful at least we can get get into the best one that there is . He started to shout and then cry and said he would kill himself, his life was over and then he paced up a down, he has a heart condition and this really scares me what is going to happen to him , if this carries on. I too started to shout and cry and he stormed off.

I got my friend to come round who knows him and she went to find him, and calmed him down and explained things to him. After about an hour she consoled and calmed him down, and he said that he just wants another week with her at home.

My friend came with me to the home and they gave agreed to meet with me next week to get things started . ( dad doesn't know this yet).

I feel such a traitor and am fearing what is going to happen next. I have said some horrible things to him and he me , I know neither of us meant them, but I feel awful and gat is going to get worse next week. What have I done.
 

Owly

Registered User
Jun 6, 2011
537
0
You've done what needed to be done because there is no other option that doesn't involve you ALL disintegrating into mental and physical illness.

Well done!

You are not a traitor, you are a loving daughter because you are there for your parents and you only want the best for both of them. If it carried on as it was, it would go beyond angry words and someone would end up hitting (or much worse) another person and then hospital...police....god knows what! :eek:

I'm so happy there is still a room at that care home down the road. When you feel strong enough to tell Dad that this is going to happen, keep repeating to him that Mum will still be very, very close and he can still see her often but there will be so many people there who can help to distract Mum when she gets into her sundowning.

I think it might help if this family friend was there at the same time as you tell your Dad.

There is "chemistry" between people that is sometimes not good and can lead to awful escalations of emotion (I understand this in an astrological way, your planets clashing with their planets, especially Mars planet of war and Saturn planet of duty but also criticism). Sometimes when another person joins the 'group' then the tension can lessen because there is different chemistry around.

That's why sometimes it really does help when a couple is separated, and other people become involved in their lives. The chemistries all mingle in a different way and then people can be more at peace both inside and between each other.

Chin up, you're now on the upward slope to things getting better. :) :) :) :)
 

CollegeGirl

Registered User
Jan 19, 2011
9,525
0
North East England
Like Owly, I want to say a massive WELL DONE!!! I am very proud of you - today has been a horrible day, yes, but it has also been a turning point for you all.

Your dad, deep down, is beginning to realise he cannot carry on without support, and that he must get that support from a variety of places and not just from you.

This is really positive.

The manager of the home sounds like a lovely, understanding person. I like the idea of day care. Perhaps you could start off with one day a week of just day care, and gradually increase it, before your mum goes in full-time? This may be less traumatic for all of you - but I'm not saying it's the only option, and only you will know what is best, so be guided by your own instincts.

My mam goes into daycare twice a week at our preferred home (dad has very recently reduced to this from overnight care once a week plus daycare once a week in the same home - much to my concern), and from being very much opposed to any sort of respite initially, I think he now acknowledges that he would not be able to cope without those regular breaks. So you see, things can change.

I still have bouts of guilt that I am not with my parents as much as I used to be in the beginning. I struggle sometimes to understand that I am entitled to live my life (as my husband reminds me - as they lived theirs when they were my age) and sometimes think that I shouldn't laugh or enjoy myself while they are living what seems to me to be a miserable existence. But the amount of support I was giving them initially was completely unsustainable because I would have ended up in hospital myself, and I know neither my mam or dad would ever have wanted that to happen.

So with TP's help, and the support of my husband, and the love of my dad and my girls, I do manage to enjoy myself, to work and follow my own interests, etc. whilst helping and supporting as much as I can. This can be your life too and is what I hope for you.

Big hugs, you're on your way, and the only way is up xxx
 
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girlpmac

Registered User
Mar 28, 2014
5
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Derry (Northern Iteland)
Hello. You are describing my situation. Albeit without the 12 hours a day of care that you give. People are giving you good advice. You must take it for your own and your parents sake. When I did this and involved an amazing nurse and carers, it was not easy, did not solve some problems, and my dad still thinks I interfere too much and am bossy, but I've managed to remember why I'm married, and that there is a little light in this dark place. It took 7 months to get to this place, and it is so not perfect, but my dad is now a bit less controlling and more accepting. You are so not alone, and your post has made me feel less alone. Thank you, and such a big hug. X


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