Lost

[Marie_89]

My Nan is in a care home, myself and my parents visit her on a daily basis, taking her out for lunches, dinners, hair dressers etc. We have not been satisfied with the care home for some time and have made arrangements to move her to a more suitable one closer to us for better quality of life. The current care home have actively been against this from the beginning. They have told us that this is not what my Nan wants but we know this to be false. My Nan gets very upset about the prospect of staying in the home and tells us on every visit that she wishes to move, however the social services have now been involved and have put a safe guarding issue on my Nan claiming we are not acting in her best interests. This has stemmed from her sobbing her heart out on her return from lunch with us, with the care home claiming we took her to a loud place which distressed her (not the case, we took her to a quiet chip shop on the sea front where she commented she was having a lovely time). We were not contacted to inform us that she was distressed and instead social services have revoked our rights to take her out from now on.
My Nan has been known to get upset when we leave and is very happy to see us. I believe she was distressed as she no longer wishes to be at the care home so far from family. We have done everything the social services and the care home have asked of us yet they still actively work against us. I am totally lost as to what I can do to help my Nan with everyone seeming to be against us. Stopping my Nan from going out with family and enjoying herself seems cruel to me. When we visit now she assumes we are going out as usual and we have to tell her that we can't and its breaking our hearts, I wouldn't want to be stuck in that place for a day let alone indefinitely.
I guess Im just wondering if anyone else has experienced anything like this from care homes or social services as we are strongly starting to take this very personally and don't know what to do.

 

[Dunkers58]

Has your family spoken to the care home manager about your concerns? it would be worth keeping a note of the issues you have and also highlighting these to social services. I don't know enough about hoe 'the system' works as to moving a loved one if social services don't agree. If she us self funding it should not ba a problem I would have thought, I am sure someone with more knowledge will be along soon

 

[Marie_89]

Has your family spoken to the care home manager about your concerns? it would be worth keeping a note of the issues you have and also highlighting these to social services. I don't know enough about hoe 'the system' works as to moving a loved one if social services don't agree. If she us self funding it should not ba a problem I would have thought, I am sure someone with more knowledge will be along soon

Thank you, we have spoken to the manager and have been trying to highlight issues. I know there is a book that they use to log specific details, things that have been said and things that occur but am certain none of our concerns are logged in this way. She is completely self funding which led us to the same belief that she should be allowed t spend her money on the care home she wishes. This one was only supposed to be a temporary measure as her husband who cared for her became very ill and was hospitalised. Unfortunately he has passed away now before he could express that it was both of their wishes to move to the care home closer to us. Sadly it was also 2 days before all the paperwork came through giving us power of attorney over her health as we have it over her finances already.

 

[Charlyparly]

If you don't mind me asking, were there any previous issues or concerns with regard to safeguarding i.e. before or soon after your Nan moved into care? I’m only asking because you said the home have been against you wanting to have her moved elsewhere from the start and this along with a decision to slam the shutters and call in the local safeguarding team seems very disproportionate from what you say.

If there has been a decision made to revoke your rights to take your Nan out, this should have been discussed with you / your Nan and the reasons for it explained. No one person has the right to just prevent your Nan from enjoying trips out with relatives and visitors without there being good reason and without the reasons being made clear and in line with the policies and procedures for Deprivation of Liberty Safeguards (DOLS)

If I were you, I'd contact the care home manager and ask if you can just have a chat so you can get your head around exactly what the problems are and why things have reached this point. Explain that despite you having grumbles and gripes about the home, you still want what's best for your Nan as presumably do they – which includes being able to enjoy quality time with her family and friends. She shouldn't be punished for any issues you and the home might have with each other.

If he or she isn't much help, ring social services and ask them the same thing. There's no reason why they shouldn't / won't explain things to you in more detail and give you a clearer picture.

If they still won't play fair, you may need to change tactics and bring out the big guns but in the first instance, play it as cool as you can and take it from there.

 

[60's child]

I dont have any experience of this Marie but it seems very unacceptable that your Nan's family are being disregarded in this way. Maybe your Nan was upset on return from the outing because she wanted to go home? It seems odd to read so much into this reaction in someone who has dementia. If you are able to find a care home that would meet your Nans needs I am unable to understand why this would be a problem, especially if she is self funding. Would it be possible to find out from the social workers what their issues are? I am sorry to not be more help but feel sorry that you are in this position.

 

[Marie_89]

If you don't mind me asking, were there any previous issues or concerns with regard to safeguarding i.e. before or soon after your Nan moved into care? I’m only asking because you said the home have been against you wanting to have her moved elsewhere from the start and this along with a decision to slam the shutters and call in the local safeguarding team seems very disproportionate from what you say.

If there has been a decision made to revoke your rights to take your Nan out, this should have been discussed with you / your Nan and the reasons for it explained. No one person has the right to just prevent your Nan from enjoying trips out with relatives and visitors without there being good reason and without the reasons being made clear and in line with the policies and procedures for Deprivation of Liberty Safeguards (DOLS)

If I were you, I'd contact the care home manager and ask if you can just have a chat so you can get your head around exactly what the problems are and why things have reached this point. Explain that despite you having grumbles and gripes about the home, you still want what's best for your Nan as presumably do they – which includes being able to enjoy quality time with her family and friends. She shouldn't be punished for any issues you and the home might have with each other.

If he or she isn't much help, ring social services and ask them the same thing. There's no reason why they shouldn't / won't explain things to you in more detail and give you a clearer picture.

If they still won't play fair, you may need to change tactics and bring out the big guns but in the first instance, play it as cool as you can and take it from there.

Thank you for your reply.
It doesn't seem right you're right. As far as we are aware the reason we are no longer permitted to take her out of the home is because upon return from lunch with us she turned to a member of staff and became very distressed and crying. We were told its because she was unhappy with our lunch date however she was smiling and laughing the whole time. This happened as soon as we left after returning her and they made no effort to inform us. Of course its difficult for us to know the true reason as to why she was upset now as she cannot recall the situation.

There have been no previous problems, we have been the carers for my Nan and Grandad for years and they decided together that they wished to moved to the care home nearer us. With my grandad being taken ill and quickly admitted to hospital my nan was admitted to the care home adjoining their retirement home on a temporary basis.
The decision to revoke our days out was made without us, we received a letter telling us what was happening...this seemed a bit unfair to us.

I am aware that a lot of this post leaves people confused as it doesn't make a lot of sense but this is the situation we are facing. It doesn't make a lot of sense to us either We don't know enough about the system and how things are run, however we are desperately trying to educate ourselves!

Sadly it seems like we have found ourselves in a battle when all we want to do is bring my Nan to a closer home to enjoy more visits and a more social home for her.

 

[Marie_89]

I dont have any experience of this Marie but it seems very unacceptable that your Nan's family are being disregarded in this way. Maybe your Nan was upset on return from the outing because she wanted to go home? It seems odd to read so much into this reaction in someone who has dementia. If you are able to find a care home that would meet your Nans needs I am unable to understand why this would be a problem, especially if she is self funding. Would it be possible to find out from the social workers what their issues are? I am sorry to not be more help but feel sorry that you are in this position.
Dee x

Thank you, yes we are feeling very much disregarded which is upsetting but more so because I know how much my Nan loves coming out with us and is being denied this now. The social workers so far have only told us that my Nan doesn't want to move. I know my nan and is very easily lead and unfortunately I believe she is being lead to say these things to the social workers as we are always kept in the dark when she has assessments or visits or meetings to discuss what she wants. However without prompting always mentions to us that she wishes to move and isn't happy.

 

[Charlyparly]

Thank you, yes we are feeling very much disregarded which is upsetting but more so because I know how much my Nan loves coming out with us and is being denied this now. The social workers so far have only told us that my Nan doesn't want to move. I know my nan and is very easily lead and unfortunately I believe she is being lead to say these things to the social workers as we are always kept in the dark when she has assessments or visits or meetings to discuss what she wants. However without prompting always mentions to us that she wishes to move and isn't happy.

Hi again. I'd be keen to emphasise you can cross the bridge involving a move to alternative care home as and when you come to it but in the meantime, the more pressing issue is with you not being able to take your Nan out at all and the effect it's having.

It's very odd that all this has taken place somewhat behind the scenes.

 

[MeganCat]

Surely you must be able to see the paperwork from SS setting out the reasons for their decisions - their investigations/situation that resulted in a safeguarding decision
Surely you must have some right to see this evidence/reasoning and a right of reply

You can't apply the same logic of cause and effect to someone with dementia - you can't definitively say why she was sobbing - and what's upsetting now might be completely forgotten and insignificant 20 mins later

Is she still considered to have capacity? You mentioned you have PoA now

Sorry I'm no help at all but am shocked by your situation