How often to visit care home?

[Raggedrobin]

Hi, Mum is settling reasonably in a nursing home. At 96 most of her pals are dead, so there is really no one to visit her. Apart from infrequent visits from an invisible, I am her only visitor.

I go in every day to see her and if I don't go in she starts fretting, she also frets every day when I leave. The home says she is mainly okay but she sometimes has a sort of anxiety attack if I don't appear when she expects me. I can understand that she thinks I am the only link to her 'real' life, but I have M.E. And find it all exhausting. I am staying near her just to keep her happy, but that is quite a big deal.

How have others coped with a loved one's 'separation anxiety'? has it diminished over time or does it tend to stay the same?

 

[Noorza]

Forgive me as I am not hot on technology, but is there anyway for the home to set up Skype, or a face to face talk using the pc? There will be issues of not having other residents in the picture that would have to be got around but she would see you, talk to you, but you don't have to physically go there?

It's the care home staff who would need to distract her when she is having the panic attacks and maybe arrange for a GP to be informed as she may need anti anxiety medication.

 

[steviep]

I try to go about 4 times a week if I can and spend around 2-3 hours with her.
The staff tell me she shouts for me a lot of the time but I think it's more of a habit than anything.
She used to get upset when I was leaving but she seems to accept it more now that she's been in the CH for a while. I feel sorry to leave her but I do as much as I can.
My brother goes with me on weekends and holidays and my nieces go occasionally.
Just do what you can, you have you're own life to lead too.

 

[Aquamanda]

Could you start to reduce the time you visit - maybe find out if there is something like a musical activity going on that she might like and pop in 20 mins before it starts, get her settled and then leave and say you will be back later? That might take some of the pressure off you. It sounds like even though you are going every day she will still become anxious but that is out of your control. It may be that she forgets she has seen you the day before, in which case it wouldn't really matter if you cut back on the visits a bit. Why don't you shorten the visits, then maybe skip one day a week and then maybe 2 days a week and so on?

 

[at wits end]

Hi raggedrobin. I too am the only regular visitor.

When gran first went into her nh i went every day, then two out of three, then every other, slowly cutting down week by week til I got to every third or fourth day. It is so hard.

When gran first went in I ran into a lady I vaguely knew whose mum is quite young and had been there several years. Her advice was never say when you will next visit and vary the times. That way there isn't the expectation of 'oh its three o'clock why hasn't she visited' . I think that is wise, I do have a bit of a routine over visiting but try to vary it when I can.

You can't wear yourself out visiting, tell your mum tomorrow you are having a day out, then go home and spend the next day in bed if need be. She will be fine. She is in good hands. And you can enjoy visits more when you do go.

 

[Raggedrobin]

Thanks everyone. I guess I would like to be able to take two non consecutive days 'off' a week. Sadly the weekends are out of the question, as she really is on her own, there are no activities over the weekend at the home and I think she has too much time to mull. She tends to get much more anxious then.

I like the idea of varying the times, I have done that a bit because I notice she is trying to pin me down and while I understand that from her point of view, it is easier if it isn't exact. I also try to go in an hour before activities but last time she decided that she wouldn't do the activity as I was there, as she thought the activity was what was driving me away.

It would be good if she was at a point, in one sense, where I could say I was nipping off to the loo and leg it, but she notices if I haven't said goodbye and gets anxious if I go ojt of the room and don't come back again.

Its not that I don't like seeing her, it is just so draining and I want it to be a part of my life, not all of my life. Also I run out of things to do/talk to her about, I feel bad that I leave her in front of the tv and that is it for the rest if the day after lunch.

 

[at wits end]

I always tell gran I have too go cook the kids lunch/dinner when its time to leave. The kids will always come first in her mind. Shell ask what I'm going to cook, then I hear a yuck or some advice on how best to cook it.

Sadly she has progressed now so she doesn't know when I last visited, but actually that makes me want to go more as since she broke her hip she has become a darling again!