My mum was diagnose with vascular dementia a couple of years ago and has slowly got worst with her memory and day to day activities. Her personality has also changed were she has become aggressive to her family. My mum has always been the most gentle, clean lady and would help anyone with anything. Now all she wants to do is sit at home with my dad (who is 81 and fine health wise) mum has stopped washing, showering or having a bath and it is braking my heart to see this happening to my mum. When ever you mention having a bath, shower etc she get really cross. We have tried all sorts of ways to get her to wash but in her mind she is having a wash and no one can say any different. If anyone has been through a similar experience please could you advise us on any tips to change this situation.
Personal hygiene
- Thread starter Shara
- Start date
The resistance doesn't change in my opinion, once it has set in. The only way I got anywhere was by ignoring the anger and aggressive behaviour, although it nearly broke me and just kept calm and said words like ' I have come to help you with your shower like you asked me too, as I know it's a bit slippery etc' Anything along those lines. She will probably play up at that point but you just calmly persevere ' Look, I have only come to do this like we discussed. Here is the nice bubble bath I have brought with me. I will just help you do your back etc etc'. Then just carry on doing the preparations 'I am running the water now, Mum' 'Come on, let's get you undressed, it will only take a minute and you will feel so much better afterwards'.
I totally understand how difficult this is. I only managed to shower my mother a very few times and she kicked off big time but once she was in the shower she calmed right down.
Maybe discuss beforehand a 'pampering' day as you have some lovely products she would like etc etc? If she really gets stroppy, one thing that worked for me once was I asked my mother to look me in the eye and said 'Mum, you never would have spoken to me like that in the past, so I am not going to get angry. I know you hate this but I am your daughter and I am going to help you. We can get this done quickly and let's just do it'. Good luck
I totally understand how difficult this is. I only managed to shower my mother a very few times and she kicked off big time but once she was in the shower she calmed right down.
Maybe discuss beforehand a 'pampering' day as you have some lovely products she would like etc etc? If she really gets stroppy, one thing that worked for me once was I asked my mother to look me in the eye and said 'Mum, you never would have spoken to me like that in the past, so I am not going to get angry. I know you hate this but I am your daughter and I am going to help you. We can get this done quickly and let's just do it'. Good luck
I can remember responding to a similar query on TP quite some time ago. I don't know if I came across arrogant or just plain stupid
I mentioned how I succeeded in bathing my husband with no problem-within weeks it had changed
And I never managed it again Can you get some outside help? Do you think that would even work?Does your Mum go to a day care centre as I know some do bathe the users. Sorry no constructive advice but I do feel for you. The aggression always got to me and I was worried about accidents. Well done to any carers who do manage.
Take care
Lyn T
I mentioned how I succeeded in bathing my husband with no problem-within weeks it had changedAnd I never managed it again
Can you get some outside help? Do you think that would even work?Does your Mum go to a day care centre as I know some do bathe the users. Sorry no constructive advice but I do feel for you. The aggression always got to me and I was worried about accidents. Well done to any carers who do manage.Take care
Lyn T
I recently posted a blog about the difficulty I have persuading my Mil to bathe regularly - such a drawn out and unpleasant task, most of the time, simply because she is so reluctant
All I can say is that I am really firm. No choice given, just that 'Its bath day, today - I'll go run it'. Usually followed by a lot of 'I am sorry you feel like that, but you do have to have a bath' - given in response to any verbal nastiness; and when all else fails, I go for the 'blunt' option - which I hate - and tell her firmly that 'I am sorry but you haven't bathed since *insert day* and you are going to start to smell' - as she has a problem with 'leaking, that she (so far) refuses to acknowledge or wear pads for, this is very much the truth - but, Its an horrendous thing to have to say to someone you care for. Even more horrendous to me, however, would be how devastated I know Mil would be if I let her go without washing properly.
Good luck - I hope you can find a way to resolve this x
All I can say is that I am really firm. No choice given, just that 'Its bath day, today - I'll go run it'. Usually followed by a lot of 'I am sorry you feel like that, but you do have to have a bath' - given in response to any verbal nastiness; and when all else fails, I go for the 'blunt' option - which I hate - and tell her firmly that 'I am sorry but you haven't bathed since *insert day* and you are going to start to smell' - as she has a problem with 'leaking, that she (so far) refuses to acknowledge or wear pads for, this is very much the truth - but, Its an horrendous thing to have to say to someone you care for. Even more horrendous to me, however, would be how devastated I know Mil would be if I let her go without washing properly.
Good luck - I hope you can find a way to resolve this x
A note of hope, my mum went through a phase like this but she has come around. i realised she had had a scary experience in the shower, trying to do it herself and messing up in some way and she became very resistant to it. So no more showers, but now she has accepted being washed and i always emphasise the lovely feelings of the warm water and being all clean and it seems to have works. I also managed to hose her down a bit while she sat on the loo, as the shower was too slippy for her in the end.
My Mum is convinced she showers every day and would not be happy if anyone contradicted her. As one of her big concerns is money I can sometimes persuade her by saying there is lots of lovely hot water and it would be a shame to waste it. Doesn't always work though and if it doesn't I don't force the issue. It would have been unthinkable for her not to have a daily shower once but I think we have learnt to accept things are changing. However she only suffers some urine leakage at the moment and if incontinence develops I shall have to try some of the other suggestions.
I realised that my Mum really likes a compliment afterwards, so I lay it on lavishly, "don't you look wonderful and glamorous now, your hair is all bouffant like a 1940s film star!" (she liked Greta Garbo).
So I tell her I'm going to wash the lunch dishes and she can sit down for a little while until it's time for her shower - (this is weekly when I visit - she won't let the daily carers do it unless she's obviously had an 'accident'.) I know she doesn't wash otherwise as her face cloths are entirely dry and clean.
Then I wait until she's finished going through whatever magazine/newspaper she's leafing through and I say, optimistically, "now it's time for your lovely shower! We'll make you all glamorous and lovely looking!"
She does quibble, "I'm not taking off all my clothes!!" to which I try very mild answers so we don't get into an argument which escalates badly if I let it happen, so she's saying "I'll never let you do this to me again!" I tell her we need to keep her clean so germs don't get into her body and make her ill. I know that the pair of knickers I put on her one week, will still be there, this time next week, dirty and all...she tries to cover the dirt with toilet paper, occasionally her pads if she remembers, but she doesn't seem to realise any more that she should change her knickers!
It's 50/50 whether she does this agreeably or not.
Yesterday I didn't wash her hair as well, as that makes her more angry and upset than anything, with the water on her face and in her ears (which she covers). I reckoned that getting her body clean is the important thing, and to heck with her hair ... till next week, then I'll tell her it's been 2 weeks.
It is horrible when they don't cooperate and you feel like an awful daughter for pushing them, then you imagine how pongy, and ill they could get, if no-one did push them, and you just go for it....
So I tell her I'm going to wash the lunch dishes and she can sit down for a little while until it's time for her shower - (this is weekly when I visit - she won't let the daily carers do it unless she's obviously had an 'accident'.) I know she doesn't wash otherwise as her face cloths are entirely dry and clean.
Then I wait until she's finished going through whatever magazine/newspaper she's leafing through and I say, optimistically, "now it's time for your lovely shower! We'll make you all glamorous and lovely looking!"
She does quibble, "I'm not taking off all my clothes!!" to which I try very mild answers so we don't get into an argument which escalates badly if I let it happen, so she's saying "I'll never let you do this to me again!" I tell her we need to keep her clean so germs don't get into her body and make her ill. I know that the pair of knickers I put on her one week, will still be there, this time next week, dirty and all...she tries to cover the dirt with toilet paper, occasionally her pads if she remembers, but she doesn't seem to realise any more that she should change her knickers!
It's 50/50 whether she does this agreeably or not.
Yesterday I didn't wash her hair as well, as that makes her more angry and upset than anything, with the water on her face and in her ears (which she covers). I reckoned that getting her body clean is the important thing, and to heck with her hair ... till next week, then I'll tell her it's been 2 weeks.
It is horrible when they don't cooperate and you feel like an awful daughter for pushing them, then you imagine how pongy, and ill they could get, if no-one did push them, and you just go for it....
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If the dirt doesn't get you"..........
My mother had many health problems which kept her housebound but her mind was fully functioning. Nevertheless getting her to wash was an uphill struggle. My sister decided it was a throwback to the old days of not having separate bathrooms or enough hot water. On one occasion when my husband and I found her in a dire condition we carried her bodily into the bathroom, stripped her, washed her and put clean night clothes on before calling an ambulance. She was actually very grateful once changed and said to John "Well son, I bet you never expected to have to do this".
Now John is the one with AD and though he is still good about showering, he is losing his grip on reality to an extent that I wonder which of us will keel over first!!
My mother had many health problems which kept her housebound but her mind was fully functioning. Nevertheless getting her to wash was an uphill struggle. My sister decided it was a throwback to the old days of not having separate bathrooms or enough hot water. On one occasion when my husband and I found her in a dire condition we carried her bodily into the bathroom, stripped her, washed her and put clean night clothes on before calling an ambulance. She was actually very grateful once changed and said to John "Well son, I bet you never expected to have to do this".
Now John is the one with AD and though he is still good about showering, he is losing his grip on reality to an extent that I wonder which of us will keel over first!!
Shara, this dislike/fear of water seems to be a common thing in dementia.
We veered from me simply blocking off Mum's exit to the shower, her screaming at me, then (worse) whimpering while I tried to be as fast as possible; and then trying to comfort her/spoil her as soon as she was out - warm towels, lovely creams, lots of praise and hugs - and the post-shower was fine and restored the smiles.
Then Mum simply couldn't manage the step into the shower, so for 2-3 years, all I could do was a horrid wash down on the loo. A very kind OT worked a small miracle and I part-funded a wet room for Mum, so by year 14? post diagnosis, I wheeled her in on a commode and it was a really special time for us both. We sang our hearts out, all the folk songs, musicals, hymns, lullabies, I had all the towels and clothes warm and waiting, and Mum loved this time, just for us. And so did I.
So it can be just a phase. Mum used to hit and slap whenever I tried to attend to her personal hygiene but by the end, she was very loving and showed it. Try not to take it personally, and if you have help, it's always worth seeing whether someone else has the magic touch! - I agree with being kind and gentle but firm because personal cleanliness has to be dealt with somehow. If your Mum likes music, that might well help her relax and I hope so much she will feel intuitively that this time with you is in some way special to her.
And when you feel like screaming, just keep posting here - because everyone will understand!
We veered from me simply blocking off Mum's exit to the shower, her screaming at me, then (worse) whimpering while I tried to be as fast as possible; and then trying to comfort her/spoil her as soon as she was out - warm towels, lovely creams, lots of praise and hugs - and the post-shower was fine and restored the smiles.
Then Mum simply couldn't manage the step into the shower, so for 2-3 years, all I could do was a horrid wash down on the loo. A very kind OT worked a small miracle and I part-funded a wet room for Mum, so by year 14? post diagnosis, I wheeled her in on a commode and it was a really special time for us both. We sang our hearts out, all the folk songs, musicals, hymns, lullabies, I had all the towels and clothes warm and waiting, and Mum loved this time, just for us. And so did I.
So it can be just a phase. Mum used to hit and slap whenever I tried to attend to her personal hygiene but by the end, she was very loving and showed it. Try not to take it personally, and if you have help, it's always worth seeing whether someone else has the magic touch! - I agree with being kind and gentle but firm because personal cleanliness has to be dealt with somehow. If your Mum likes music, that might well help her relax and I hope so much she will feel intuitively that this time with you is in some way special to her.
And when you feel like screaming, just keep posting here - because everyone will understand!
Oh yes, singing in the shower is a good distraction. When we had some lavender shampoo, I sang "Lavender's blue, dilly dilly, lavender's green....." and Mum joined in a bit even though we didn't know all the words. I must try that again. I forgot, because we are on a different shampoo that doesn't have a song attached to it.
Funny about the hair, mum won't let me wash her hair and i don't worry about that, but she likes the hairdresser coming and will let him do it and like others, i then praise her excessively about how fab she looks. its interesting how much a compliment about appearance can cheer someone with dementia up. i guess so much of the time they are being told in one way or another what they are doing wrong.
i would leave it for a couple of weeks and then try again. i do think ritual helps too. My mum has a lovely fluffy dressing gown and she knows that this comes out on as a precursor to a shower, along with the Sunday papers and a coffee, so there are nice things involved (not that she can actually understand the papers now, but we go through the motions) and I just keep talking about how she will be having a shower later, as if she always has it.
Its weird about some things though, like how I suddenly realised she didn't know how to use soap any more. Some advice has said that one of the reasons people refuse showers is that they are embarrassed that they can't remember how to wash. And then of course some people become averse to or even scared of water.
My FIL is exactly the same. Sometimes my husband will turn the shower on and say come on dad the shower's running you don't want to waste all that money but mainly my FIL just kicks off so we decided a long time ago to pick our fights and if we get him in the shower once a week great, if not don't worry. This illness is so difficult for all concerned hope you find your way around and find some very good coping strategies cause everyday seems to be one big battle about something or other x
My impression has been that fear is a major factor in this. The fact that it is an irrational fear doesn't alter that. Anything you can do to make it less of a big deal will help. Someone recommended to me not suggesting my aunt (with vascular dementia) shower, but instead offering to wash her hands, and then next time the arms too, and then just taking it a bit further over the week. It takes a lot of time - but takes the fear out. Also, as someone has said, music can help, and distracting people by singing. Focussing on the need to wash always made it worse in my experience.
My MIL would swear blind that she has showered but like others will only wash her face. At first it was horrendous trying to get her to wash with screaming from her. I always said to hubby that if the house smells of urine etc then she goes into care. So now we have got over the screaming and I 'help' her wash her nether regions. I only shower her when the smell evades us, maybe every 5 weeks. And like Ann Mac my tone of voice gives her no choice because I threaten her with her son showering her instead. It works a treat every time..........at the moment that is
Have you thought of buying the sensitive baby wipes? They can be a good stop-gap for personal areas.
My dad had a shower every day.... Not! My mum cajoled and encouraged and tried every trick in the book to get him to have a shower. With occasional success. He did smell. He wasn't scared of the water, he just believed he had already been in. When she was in an overnight break away with my sister (the only respite she has ever had in 11years) I looked after him and found the power to the shower wasn't on after I had managed to persuade him in. After he had given up trying I discovered where the pull cord was and then had to argue with him to get him in. All I could hear him saying was... Well I'm not washing my hair hahahaha! Like a little school boy.
In the end we contacted social services and they assessed the situation and have organised male carers to come in twice a week. So he gets 2 showers a week.
The other day my mum slept in so my dad got up left his pully ups on that he had had on since the morning before, got dressed in yesterday's clothes and went and sat downstairs. Yuk!!!!!
I have since washed both bedding and clothes and pj's that literally had my eyes watering.
All fun really
Bottom line here that we found was that the carers who came round are experienced. They just told him they we helping him in the shower. All closed questions so there was no opportunity for him to say no or refuse. Very very clever and brilliant in my opinion. He is however an easy patient and we are incredibly grateful for their input. We do get told that some relatives and patients are really abusive to the carers if they are even 5 minutes late!!! Outrageous.
Sorry I've rambled but hopefully some useful points made xxx
In the end we contacted social services and they assessed the situation and have organised male carers to come in twice a week. So he gets 2 showers a week.
The other day my mum slept in so my dad got up left his pully ups on that he had had on since the morning before, got dressed in yesterday's clothes and went and sat downstairs. Yuk!!!!!
I have since washed both bedding and clothes and pj's that literally had my eyes watering.
All fun really
Bottom line here that we found was that the carers who came round are experienced. They just told him they we helping him in the shower. All closed questions so there was no opportunity for him to say no or refuse. Very very clever and brilliant in my opinion. He is however an easy patient and we are incredibly grateful for their input. We do get told that some relatives and patients are really abusive to the carers if they are even 5 minutes late!!! Outrageous.
Sorry I've rambled but hopefully some useful points made xxx
Did anyone else see the film 'iris'? In that, an old friend of Iris's showered with her, making it fun.
thank you
thank you all for your personal messages. i will read them all over and over again and will try all your recommendations. I feel for you all has you have been through it yourselves and i know this isn't my mum talking it is the illness. thank you again and I will let you all know how I get on. this forum has given me so hope.
thank you all for your personal messages. i will read them all over and over again and will try all your recommendations. I feel for you all has you have been through it yourselves and i know this isn't my mum talking it is the illness. thank you again and I will let you all know how I get on. this forum has given me so hope.
I'm so glad I'm not the only one going through this. The other day I "argued" with Mum for half an hour. Her excuses were: I don't need a shower, I'm too old to have a shower, do you think everyone in the world showers every day, I'll have one later etc. In the end I gave up. I had wanted her to have one because she was due to go to daycare the next day. However, she refused to get out of bed in the morning so didn't go to daycare anyway. The next day I was determined she was going to shower. I followed her up to the bathroom and when she tried to come out I was waiting with her clean clothes. I just said "You are having a shower today Mum." I got a feeble "Who are you to tell me what to do," but I just carried on getting everything ready. It was all done, hair washed and everything in 20 minutes. I shall definitely try that approach the next time. Good luck.
Persuasion can be difficult.
Hi,
I have the same problem with my Mum. It's almost as if she's developing an aversion to washing, which I've read can happen. I take the same approach as Aquamanda, telling Mum that she asked me to help her in the shower as she's nervous of falling. If she has a wash, I have to sit in the bathroom with her, otherwise she would just wash her hands and face and nothing else! I have to encourage her to wash all her bits and pieces on the days she gets upset about having to shower. I just tell her that she didn't have one yesterday so could she please have one today and I'll help her wash her hair etc.
I also take the approach that Miss Polly does. Depending on what mood Mum's in, sometimes the straightforward no-nonsense approach is best.
Hi,
I have the same problem with my Mum. It's almost as if she's developing an aversion to washing, which I've read can happen. I take the same approach as Aquamanda, telling Mum that she asked me to help her in the shower as she's nervous of falling. If she has a wash, I have to sit in the bathroom with her, otherwise she would just wash her hands and face and nothing else! I have to encourage her to wash all her bits and pieces on the days she gets upset about having to shower. I just tell her that she didn't have one yesterday so could she please have one today and I'll help her wash her hair etc.
I also take the approach that Miss Polly does. Depending on what mood Mum's in, sometimes the straightforward no-nonsense approach is best.
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