My Mother-in-Law has severe memory loss. The family have informed the Doctor of her condition. The advice we received was to make an appointment at the Memory Clinic so she can be assessed. Unfortunately, Marie is in denial of her condition and we know she could receive help if only she would go the clinic. How can you expect a person suffering from dementia to know what is best for them. She agrees to go to the Memory Clinic and then forgets she has agreed. I'd say that was symptomatic of the illness. Does anyone know how we as a family can get her help even though she won't cooperate. There is an added urgency to helping her. Marie's beloved husband is dying of Lung cancer and we need to sort this out before he goes on ahead. Marie could be supported at home as long as possible but we can't get this in place under the circumstances. Any help would be appreciated. Thank you.
Memory Clinic
- Thread starter Bellabob
- Start date
Hello Bellabob, and welcome to TP,
This is a very difficult problem and one which, as you might imagine, often come up on TP.
If she is in denial then I can't see that the memory clinic, even if you could get her there and she agrees to be assessed, will necessarily solve the problem, because she may remain in denial whatever they say.
As to how can you expect a PWD to know what is best for them, many people with dementia do know what is best for them, and many others are quite prepared to accept advice. Indeed, the law supports their rights in this respect up to the point when they are found to have lost mental capacity.
This is what makes the problem a very difficult one. Still, it is, as I say, a problem many people face and I hope some of them wiil be along to advise you.
One thing I know some carers have tried is to write down any action that has been agreed between you and to both sign it. If, at a later date, the PWD forgets, they can be reminded. Worth a try?
Take care
This is a very difficult problem and one which, as you might imagine, often come up on TP.
If she is in denial then I can't see that the memory clinic, even if you could get her there and she agrees to be assessed, will necessarily solve the problem, because she may remain in denial whatever they say.
As to how can you expect a PWD to know what is best for them, many people with dementia do know what is best for them, and many others are quite prepared to accept advice. Indeed, the law supports their rights in this respect up to the point when they are found to have lost mental capacity.
This is what makes the problem a very difficult one. Still, it is, as I say, a problem many people face and I hope some of them wiil be along to advise you.
One thing I know some carers have tried is to write down any action that has been agreed between you and to both sign it. If, at a later date, the PWD forgets, they can be reminded. Worth a try?
Take care
Hi Bellabob,
Would MIL accept help at home on the basis that the help isn't "for her" as such but due to her husband's illness do you think? If FIL isn't currently at home then for example you could maybe introduce a cleaner on the basis of "this gives you more time to visit your husband" or "the council gives this service whenever someone is seriously ill in the family" - you get the idea. Once she is used to assistance for small things it is likely to be easier to increase that assistance as time goes on.
Social services should asses someone for assistance on the basis of how they actually cope rather than on the illness they have. You don't actually need a diagnosis of some form of dementia to get help. (You obviously can't get any dementia specific medication without the diagnosis though.) To start organising things you can contact Social Services yourselves - the number for your local council should be in the phone book. Do emphasise the need to sort something out quickly when you call (and chase as required!) - the councils often have looong waiting lists for help and he who shouts loudest gets seen first
Do make sure that someone else is also there when the social worker visits who can confirm (possibly in writing before or after a visit if needed) whether MIL actually can/does do all the things she will no doubt say she does.
Would MIL accept help at home on the basis that the help isn't "for her" as such but due to her husband's illness do you think? If FIL isn't currently at home then for example you could maybe introduce a cleaner on the basis of "this gives you more time to visit your husband" or "the council gives this service whenever someone is seriously ill in the family" - you get the idea. Once she is used to assistance for small things it is likely to be easier to increase that assistance as time goes on.
Social services should asses someone for assistance on the basis of how they actually cope rather than on the illness they have. You don't actually need a diagnosis of some form of dementia to get help. (You obviously can't get any dementia specific medication without the diagnosis though.) To start organising things you can contact Social Services yourselves - the number for your local council should be in the phone book. Do emphasise the need to sort something out quickly when you call (and chase as required!) - the councils often have looong waiting lists for help and he who shouts loudest gets seen first
Do make sure that someone else is also there when the social worker visits who can confirm (possibly in writing before or after a visit if needed) whether MIL actually can/does do all the things she will no doubt say she does.
Hi Bellabob,
I completely feel your frustration here.
Although I do not have a solution for you, I have found it easier to talk my mum round to the memory clinic visits over time. She often believes it's a waste of time and she shouldn't be there, but for us, we find out quite a lot of useful information.
Our alternative option is we purchased a wall diary for my mum and would write all appointments daily for her. This way, she was prepared and ready to go.
Our third option proved difficult after a few occasions, we simply told her she was visiting family. It sounds terrible but it was the only way to be able to get her to go at first. Once she saw it as a simple meeting, it's easier to get her to go.
I completely feel your frustration here.
Although I do not have a solution for you, I have found it easier to talk my mum round to the memory clinic visits over time. She often believes it's a waste of time and she shouldn't be there, but for us, we find out quite a lot of useful information.
Our alternative option is we purchased a wall diary for my mum and would write all appointments daily for her. This way, she was prepared and ready to go.
Our third option proved difficult after a few occasions, we simply told her she was visiting family. It sounds terrible but it was the only way to be able to get her to go at first. Once she saw it as a simple meeting, it's easier to get her to go.
We unfortunately had to use subterfuge to get MIL to the doctors initially. We told her we didn't like the look of the mole she had on her face & we wanted it checking out (understandable as I had just had skin cancer). We warned the GP what we had done & when hubby went in with MIL her GP was brilliant & examined her face & then casually asked how she was, how her memory was doing etc & he gave her the memory test as if it were a 'chat'! After that I used to take MIL to the memory clinic appointments & told her it was just for a chat to see how she was doing. After a time the Memory Nurse did house visits so MIL just thought she was another 'visitor'. Can a member of your family use a similar ruse & take your MIL to the clinic appointment?
We had terrible trouble getting my mother firstly to the GP, then to the memory clinic. She was insistent that there was nothing wrong with her and very suspicious that my dad and I were trying to get rid of her. When we did get her to appointments, she would deny anything was wrong and seemed to be able to gather all her resources to answer questions and appear normal. Then the moment we were outside she would almost collapse with the strain of trying to hold it all together.
I started keeping a daily record of examples of how she was not coping and if she would not come to the appointments would tell the doctor or memory nurse what had been happening. In fact it was easier to speak freely if she was not there.
We also asked for help from social services, a carers assessment, the Alzheimer's association and told them mum was insisting nothing was wrong and would not go to the doctor. My dad also had his own visits from a district nurse. We asked all of these visitors to put in a report to the GP of how they found my mum's behaviour. I then asked if someone from the memory clinic could visit her at home. We were very lucky to get a doctor come who was willing to stay for quite a while. Mum started out perfectly normal, being the perfect hostess, able to give dates and accurate answers to questions, but gradually it started to slip and she went through the tears, anger, throwing things, slamming doors etc. But she had shown what things were like at home and started to get medication. She has now had vascular dementia with Alzheimer's for over 7 years, 2 years at home and 5 years in care. Her illness has gone through many stages and behaviours, denial was just one of them. I hope this is of help.
I started keeping a daily record of examples of how she was not coping and if she would not come to the appointments would tell the doctor or memory nurse what had been happening. In fact it was easier to speak freely if she was not there.
We also asked for help from social services, a carers assessment, the Alzheimer's association and told them mum was insisting nothing was wrong and would not go to the doctor. My dad also had his own visits from a district nurse. We asked all of these visitors to put in a report to the GP of how they found my mum's behaviour. I then asked if someone from the memory clinic could visit her at home. We were very lucky to get a doctor come who was willing to stay for quite a while. Mum started out perfectly normal, being the perfect hostess, able to give dates and accurate answers to questions, but gradually it started to slip and she went through the tears, anger, throwing things, slamming doors etc. But she had shown what things were like at home and started to get medication. She has now had vascular dementia with Alzheimer's for over 7 years, 2 years at home and 5 years in care. Her illness has gone through many stages and behaviours, denial was just one of them. I hope this is of help.
My nan really respects authority so I find telling her "the doctor phoned and wants to see you ' or' The doctor has arranged this appointment for you' or........I could go on!!
Good luck x
Good luck x
