Staying with my dad

[Catherineamyf]

I'm spending afew days caring for my dad so my mum (who is his carer) can have afew days away. I know this will help her so I want to do everything I can to make it worry free for her.

In one way, I think it will be nice to spend time with him one to one but the other part of me is abit apprehensive about it.

I spent afew days there afew months ago but it sounds like he has got a lot worse since then.

I'm just looking for any advice to help me with this.

My mum says he is "sun downing" and in the events wants to be taken home.....even though he is home and has lived there for over 7 years.
Anyone else been through this?

 

[Lizjg]

Hi its quite common, my mum has acute vascular dementia and used to say she wanted to go home, she had been living in that house for 50+ years!

 

[Aquamanda]

Would it be possible for you to go a couple of days early so that you can see how the day is for him and your mother? Your mother could then hover in the background and maybe give advice if things got difficult? I guess if he keeps asking to go home and the weather is ok, you could maybe walk him round the block, but don't talk about 'going home' and then take him back to the house again, or maybe take him out for a drive. Or if not, try some sort of distraction technique. Play some music he likes? Put tv on? Get him to help you with a task, like folding washing, pairing socks etc. Maybe your mother could write the routine down for you and how she deals with any problems. I do hope it goes well.

 

[angecmc]

hi, yes this is a normal behaviour for dementia sufferers,the key is distraction, don't tell him he is already home, if it is bad weather outside you could say we will go when the weather is better, or you could say lets have a cup of tea first, or there is a program on tv you want to watch first. You could try just walking him round the block that sometimes works. Anything he says it is best not to put him right as this leads to agitation. Perhaps he would do a puzzle with you or play a simple board game. I do not envy you this at all and you are good to do this for your Mum, just to say though, it was spending time with my Mum while Dad was in hospital that let me see how bad things had really got. Good luck xx

Ange

 

[FifiMo]

Just so you can understand what is going on when your dad is sundowning, it is a period of time each day when there is extra confusion and agitation. It can happen at any time of day but was thought to be associated with the sun going down, hence the name. When your dad talks about going home, he is not talking about his current home. Very often what is being asked for is to return to a place and time when he felt safe and secure. This is normally the childhood home. You might find that he starts asking for his mum and dad too.

Don't argue with your dad. Just join his world and you can sometimes distract him by asking questions about his childhood home - what is his bedroom like, his school, friends, neighbours, other relatives, that kind of thing. There is nothing you can do to stop the sundowning. All you can do is offer reassurances and tell him it will be ok. Don't, if he asks for his parents, tell him they are dead as that can distress him as he will receive this news as though he is hearing it for the first time. Just tell him they are away on holiday, or it is too late/cold/wet to be going out and that we'll try again tomorrow.

I am sure you will have a good time with your dad. If you need any support then TP are here 24/7. I hope your mum has a nice break too.

Fiona

 

[katiebell]

I'm spending afew days caring for my dad so my mum (who is his carer) can have afew days away. I know this will help her so I want to do everything I can to make it worry free for her.

In one way, I think it will be nice to spend time with him one to one but the other part of me is abit apprehensive about it.

I spent afew days there afew months ago but it sounds like he has got a lot worse since then.

I'm just looking for any advice to help me with this.

My mum says he is "sun downing" and in the events wants to be taken home.....even though he is home and has lived there for over 7 years.
Anyone else been through this?

What symptoms does he have? Is he moody? Or just confused?

I cope by talking to my Mum about the past years ago. It makes her happy because she can remember it. Unlike the recent past which makes her confused and sometimes angry. So I try to avoid questions like 'How was X when they were here a few days ago?' She never knows the answer and gets upset about it.

Also if he gets irritable let him have his say. It might be justifiable. If it isn't, then distraction is a good technique. Change the subject. Leave the room then come back a little while later in a jolly mood (you may have to fake it). Mood is a biggie. If you're upbeat so are they. It seems fake to begin with, but you'll be amazed how much it helps.

And don't argue with him. It's likely he won't be able to follow your argument. If he says black is white nod to acknowledge the comment, but don't rise to the bait. Easier said than done, but it avoids confrontation. Basically you have to enter their world and make it comfortable for them.

I think the kind thing for you to do is arrange for a carer to visit your Dad at least once a day. That way your Mum will have a break. He probably won't like it, but you can say it's for your Mum, not him, even claim they're a cleaner. Having someone else around on a regular basis helps you to hold onto your sanity, as they will help you realise what the issues are and take steps when they're necessary.

Your Mum can get trapped in a space where his behaviour becomes 'normalised'. That's not good for her. Or, over time, for him, as she won't have the energy or mental strength to cope.

Good luck. Your Mum is lucky she has you to help her.