Control issues?

[Zelda]

Hello,

My father has dementia and my mother is sole carer to him. This Christmas I was at home and I noticed that dad has become more and more controlling. Mainly about the house - he likes the lights a certain way and is obsessed about saving money.These aren't too much a problem, but he has also become very controlling of my mother (and indeed, anyone else who enters the house!) - trying to stop her leaving the house, generally trying to control her behaviour/ actions. It must be very frustrating for mum and she is understandably losing her temper with him quite a bit. I wondered if anyone else had experienced this or had any tips I could pass on to help the situation? I'm unsure whether I should suggest mum stands up to him when he tries to control her, or whether to back down and just go along with it, although this seems to mean she is quickly losing any life herself... she is in very good health for 75 so this is sad to see.They are sitting in a house alone staring at each other 24/7 so hardly surprising there are arguements! Have tried encouraging them to get out and do something but they are a bit stuck in their routine.

 

[marionq]

My husband is 81 this month and I am 69 so I know the problem of spending too much time together. We resolve this by getting out of the house as much as possible - going for walks is top of the list and swimming is what I like to do best. At the pool each morning are people up to their eighties so your Mum would probably find something similar. If she had an exercise class to go to on her own she would feel better and meet other people. My husband goes twice a month to a football memory group for men with AD and likes it a lot.

Encourage your Mum to find an interest and just tell your Dad that she needs a break. He might not like it but will just have to lump it if her sanity and well being are at stake.

 

[blueyorkie]

Hello there.
I completely understand, my parents are in exactly the same situation!! My dad (diagnosed with alzheimers) is 69 and my mum is 68, physically both in good health. I'm not sure how I would classify my dad's stage of alzheimers as he still functions reasonably well with his daily living activies but due to his own anxieties and confusions my mum does not have her own life. She enjoys working part time as a carer, my dad insists on driving her there (she doesn't want him to but it causes arguments if she declines) but whilst she is trying to do her job, he is constantly ringing her and and has even knocked on the doors. He keeps locking all the doors, she is unable to reason with him at all. I can see she is treading on eggshells all the time in order to avoid confrontation. He is worse of an evening, when there seems to be some evidence of sundowning, him keep going in and out to check on his car or keep going in the garden. Whenever she has to go out, he is always ringing her or ringing others. One way I have found for her to manage it a bit better is to have a resource called Crossroads to come and sit with him or take him out a few times per week to give her a break. Really she could do with it everyday, but she has to pay for it. Other than that, I have advised her to try to let him have his agenda but do what she wants anyway, if that makes sense. But I can totally see the difficulties, she is almost like a prisoner of this wicked illness.

 

[Zelda]

Thanks so much.... Have you ever tried risking the argument by the caret doing what they want for their own well being? Unsure if this would work but tested dad a bit over Christmas and he did seem to back down on minor issues if he could see he couldn't get his way.... Mum won't accept outside help just yet, although I have suggested this and will fully support her if she does decide to. Dad has guilt tripped her into believing outside help not good and means she does not love him

 

[Spamar]

Zelda,your mother must be a saint! I could/would not put up with being controlled like that. I have enough to do looking after him as it is. I can't leave the OH for any length of time, but he goes to daycare twice a week and I have respite for another three hours, when in usually ask the carer to take him out ( he just loves his coffee and chocolate cake!). I also have access to a carer who comes if I need him , for instance a hospital appointment for me (I have my own health problems).
Personally, I could not cope without these breaks and any carer should take advantage of anything that is offered. Fortunately he is not one to object to someone coming into the house. It may because he is used to cleaners and gardeners when we were both working, so it's just an extension of that. With my health problem it's a case of that's the way it is, if not, nothing gets done!

 

[Zelda]

Hi, thanks for your replies... it's comforting in a funny sort of way to know others are in this same situation. I find it really sad knowing how much of a difference it would make if mum would accept outside help/ a carer coming in to look after dad for a bit to give a break. At the moment she simply reaches breaking point, leaves him alone and then he has falls etc. This worries me greatly. I also found out over Christmas she has started an affair - again, pretty worrying although I can understand why. I found messages on her phone so cant really talk to her about it. If dad found out it would destroy him and make things a lot worse they have been married 50 years.

I also saw over Christmas there myself there maybe some room with dad to simply stand up to him - when he makes a request that is simply a desire to control, to ignore this and carry on as normal and he has usually forgotten quite quickly and moved onto something else. At least, that worked when I did it.

I have fed all this back to mum but there is unfortunately nothing I can do other than this as I cannot force her to change how she handles things. She has never stood up to my father when he was well. So , for now, I will support her and him from a distance and hope as this goes on she starts to learn better ways.

 

[gingernut45]

my hubby spent 4 1/2 years accusing me of flirty behaviour and january last year it started to involve gp. At last gp saw the light and put him on respridone and soscial services gave him 4 weeks a year restpite. After the first week in restpite, hubby stopped the accusations. It seemed he didn't realise how his behaviour was affecting me until he thought he lost me - if its possible for them to think like that. Maybe a 'holiday' in a care home might make him realise his behaviour is unacceptable. Sometimes you have to feel as if you are being cruel to be kind.

 

[Zelda]

Yes, have suggested this, or alternatively that mum move out for a bit, calling in daily.. .but neither of them wish to do this. They just want to stay in the situation as it is. So, I figure only option is to back off and let the situation take it's natural course when there will be a crisis point and they will both have to change whether or not they want to. It is really hard to do though!