Terrific news!

[Gill W]

Goodness, thank you everyone for your input.

I'll print the thread off and show mam, see what she thinks.

Mam is one who gets through stress by keeping busy, it's where I get it from. I have often used nervous energy and stress to gut my house from top to bottom and get it clean as a new pin! Mam keeps going and going and never seems to be able to turn her brain off for a while. I've asked her to go to her GP and see if he can help her with something to help her sleep, a full night's sleep hasn't reached her in god knows how long.

Thank you everyone, really, I appreciate all your advice. I'll be back to let you know how things go.

I feel like we have a second family here, mam is getting used to me talking to you all. She often asks questions and says "Is it something you've come across with TP yet?". It's a lifeline for me in here, it's been invaluable.

Gill
xx

 

[Josh]

Gill,

I'm so pleased to hear that they have approved funding for your Gran, It must be a huge relief for you all.

Keep on at your mum to go and see the doctor. every one needs a good nights sleep and your mum must be in need of one. and you'll all need a clear head when it comes to sorting out things in the house not to mention choosing the right care home for your Gran.

Thinking of you.

Josh
- x -

 

[Gill W]

Josh,

If I nag her any more she'll fall out with me, lol, but I'm keep dropping it into conversations.

We've now got full details of homes in the Wearside area that deal with EMI patients, and I've done a bit of google searching. Several of them read as being bl**dy awful really, chairs collapsing with woodworm, heavily stained bedding and furniture etc, but others read ok. I've managed to obtain recent CSCI reports on several, which has been really helpful.

I googled EMI homes in my area the same night, and out of about 8 homes there are only three that deal with dementia patients. One of them we have already looked at. Of the other two, one didn't bother to answer the phone when I rang (any kind of indication?!) and the other fell over themselves to accomodate me in one form or another. I ended up calling in to this one, to collect a brochure and some figures mainly, but ended up getting a guided tour and being shown their CSCI report (which they were obviously proud of). The staff were very friendly, the nurse from 'downstairs' being the one to show me around 'upstairs'. Several of them joined in conversation with me and answered questions I fired at them (of which there were many!), I was very pleased with their reception of me. They told me that if Gran were to move in with them we would be welcomed at any time of day or night to see her, even at stupid o'clock in the morning if it made us and her happier. They achieved all their standards in the CSCI report, very minor recommendations made. The place was clean, tidy, full of people smiling and talking, sun streaming through the huge windows, it was lovely. Got on the phone to mam about it when I got back and I'm taking her to have a look on friday.

Now then, the sticking point this week has been my aunt. Mum described her as "Taurus, say no more!". She was shown the map, to show her where she would have to come to get to my area, and she stated "yes, but it's still quite a trek for me, isn't it?". It's actually half the distance she travels at the moment to get to my Gran's but she couldn't see that. And it was explained to her that if Gran came to my area, there would be more hands on deck to visit Gran than there is at the moment, meaning me and my sister. Still the penny didn't drop. She was still looking to view homes in Gran's area, and not half her journey?! Stubborn doesn't come into it. Drives me nuts just hearing about it, but never mind. It's mine and my sister's opinions that we should aim to get Gran down here so that there are more hands to take care of her and visit every day. I guess if she doesn't agree, the choice will come down to Gran's responses to the places down here? But how can we take that as gospel when Gran says she doesn't want to go into a home "just yet"? Catch 22 methinx.

So amongst the euphoria of getting funding comes the aggravation of people appearing apparently apathetic to the whole thing, and I hate that!

I consider my poor mam has done most of the running around and caring for my Gran pre- and post diagnosis, and think it's time she had it a bit easier. I'm having to bite my tongue and it's hurting a whole hell of a lot, I can tell you.

We soldier on, progress is progress I guess......

Back with more progress later.

Gill
xx

 

[Skye]

Gill, the home you visited sounds lovely.

Do you think the aunt is being stroppy just because she's not involved? Would it help to take her to see the home?

If she doesn't come round, then you'll just have to ignore her objections. After all, it's you and your mum who will be doing most of the visiting, an sorting out any problems.

Then ther's Gran, and if she really digs her heels in, I don't know what to suggest. But I'm sure you'll manage to persuade her, with the promise that she'll see so much more of you.

Good luck, and keep us posted.

Love,

 

[Grannie G]

Gosh Gill, I`m out of breath reading your post. Talk about a whirlwind.

I`m so pleased you`ve found somewhere good for your gran. Stick to your guns, as far as your aunt`s concerned. If the home nearer to you makes it easier for your mother, and the three of you are happy with it, then go for it.

Good luck and keep posting.

Love xx

 

[Gill W]

We are keeping my aunt in the loop all the way. Her idea was to book an appointment to see one home for every day that they are up at Gran's, which means they would get to see 2 a week, so how long would that take to trawl through the list they have been given?

All mam and I have tried to do is stimulate her into realising that we can't hang about here, Gran is escaping more and more as the weeks go by, the latest one was early morning before the carer had even landed, but after the alarm had been deactivated, so we had yet another call from the police, who had had a call from someone who had put her in their car!!

I've just tried to shortlist the homes in my own area so that mam knows which ones are the ones worth considering. Just to lighten her load really, there are times when I feel useless as regards my contribution towards Gran's care. And mam has never once said to my aunt that she will make the decisions. She's just informed my aunt that I've been doing some homework for them to take the weight off, and when she's free would she like to go and take a look with us? But she just wasn't very responsive. Personally I think it's cos the whole thing has hit her like a ton of bricks. She's seemed to want to con herself that she'd be able to put Gran right if she tried hard enough and now she's realised she can't. In that respect I feel sorry for her, but we've been telling her this all along.

Whilst I know that we can't rush into decisions, I just know that we can't hang about. Gran is doing her Houdini act much more frequently now, so we need to get moving. Her resistance is expected but we'll have to weather it somehow, even if she falls out with us for a while. But Gran's generally a sociable person, very friendly and amiable, just have to hope she sees that this will be for the best.

Deep breaths Gill. Cigarette time I think, I get annoyed just hearing about the hassle me mam gets!

Gill
xx

 

[Skye]

Gill, I'm sorry if I've upset you, I didn't mean to. Believe me, I know all about stroppy relatives, I was just trying to suggest solutions. You've already tried them, and they haven't worked, so you jsut have to go ahead and do what's best for you, your mam and your gran.

Good luck,

 

[Gill W]

Hazel,

You didn't upset me at all, I knew exactly what you meant, no worries there. I don't take offence easily, perhaps my wording made you think I'd gone off on one, in which case it's me that owes you the apology.

Mum told me today that before my aunt's husband died a few years back, they never did anything without a 'plan' for all eventualities. She's now thinking that my aunt is trying to come up with a plan, but can't quite manage it because she was never the one who did the 'planning', so she may well be like a fish out of water on this one. We're just taking her with a pinch of salt, and in the meantime I'm humouring her and searching for dementia homes within her catchment area too, just to see if it makes her any better.

We can but try. In the meantime mam is coming with me tomorrow to see the home I visited the other night, and form her own opinion on it. Fingers crossed it goes on the possible list and we can take a step forward.

Please don't stop throwing suggestions at me, I'm here asking for them. Apologies if I've come across strippy, I'm a redhead but not that bad! lol

Gill
xx

 

[Skye]

Hi Gill, glad that's cleared up!

Let's hope your mam likes the home you like, it does sound good. Perhaps auntie could make plans for the move? One for her area, one for yours? Keep her busy, even if you never use her plans.

Hope the visit goes well tomorrow, keep us posted,

Love,

 

[Gill W]

I most certainly will.

I rang mam last night and told her I was humouring her big sister, by locating homes in her area, and mam said it might just keep her quiet. There aren't that many to be honest, that deal with dementia patients anyway, so maybe we'll be able to set her busy checking her area out as you suggest.

Either way, she has to accept the fact that things are what they are and nothing she can do or say is going to change that. Damned shame, but there you go.

I guess at the end of the day it's her mum we're talking about, I know how I would feel if it was mine. Although she's never had a strong bond with her mum like I have with mine, there must still be a bit inside her that is agonising over it all.

Gill
xx