Putting dad in a care home???

[claire43]

After my fathers rapid decline over the weekend I spoke to the staff nurse about putting the wheels into motion regarding long term residential care. She explained that my dad would probably stay on the ward over the christmas period because he still has some underlying medical issues (minor water infection, unable to pass urine properly, high bp & fast heart rate. Then he would almost certainly be transferred to another hospital a few miles further away whilst a suitable care home could be found. I was at work at the time & as soon as I put the phone down I just burst into tears & couldnt stop. In the end I had to be sent home which has never happended before.

I feel like the worst daughter in the world, how can I face him tonight at visiting when I know what Ive just done. Its like Im 2 different people - 1 of me knows absolutely that my 77 year old mother could not cope, it would kill her then another me thinks maybe just maybe he could come home we'd have sitters at night Id go to help straight from work etc etc. The reality of the situation as it is at present is that my dad doesnt know where he is. He asked if he was in a hotel this morning & was there laundry service, last night he asked me if my home was like his (meaning the room he was in). But what happens if he becomes worked up & realises hes not at home. There are so many questions & worries going round & round my head I feel like I cant catch my breath.

This has happened so quickly despite years of him being confused & forgetful this huge decline happened overnight. Only last week he agreed to POA & the forms are in his house but now hes in no fit state to sign them. Sorry to ramble but these are the thoughts swirling round my head.....

 

[Aquamanda]

You are not a bad daughter at all, and it sounds like sensible decisions are being put into action. You have to think of your mother first. If she cannot cope with him then there is no choice but for him to go into a CH in due course. And even if you rushed home from work, she would have to cope with him all day. Again, overnight sitters would be a crippling expense. And also, you have your own life to think of. While it is easy to think that you would give up every evening and weekend to look after your father, is that realistic? You would have to put your life on hold and he could live for many years yet. If he had had a sudden, massive change, I think it is that that you need to come to terms with really. I guess you are lucky that he is in hospital and that they will put the wheels in motion regarding his future care. If he had been at home and all this was going on, it might be nearly impossible for you to get all that support put in place so quickly and so you and your mother would have to deal with it all. I really do think it is the shock of the change in him that is so hard to accept - you know that you are making the right decision for him and I am sure you can find a lovely CH where he will be well looked after and you and your mother can visit him in better circumstances.

 

[claire43]

I know and thank you for trying to reassure me but I just feel so cruel. Yes at the moment he doesnt know where he is but what if one day he realises hes not home & gets upset. I can cope with everything as long as he isnt unhappy.

 

[TinaT]

I don't think we really 'grow up' until the time comes for us to have to make very hard decisions for the sake of our parents. You have done the right thing for the right reasons. Set your mind at rest and try to have peace over the Christmas period. You did not cause all these problems, the disease did. All you have done is try to ease them in the only way you can for the sake of all involved.

xxTinaT

 

[claire43]

Its so tough. Im still crying 5 hours later & Ive got to pull myself together in next half hour cos going up to visit him. Honestly feel like Im heading for a breakdown.

Next door neighbours who play their music very loud regularly just blasted out another track & I lost it completely. Banged the wall so hard I hurt my hand, when they just knocked the wall back then turned it up even louder instead of my usual reaction I just starting shaking & crying. Its like all the fight has been sucked out of me

 

[cookiebabe]

Hi Claire, I totally understand how you feel as exactly the same rapid decline happened to my Dad who is 74. He was diagnosed in March this year and had shingles and a bad UTI in October and since then has been in a CH. Mum who is 69 could no longer cope with him at home. He is doubly incontinent and there is no way could look after him at home, but more to the point I wouldn't want her to. She like you and your Mum have a life to lead and it is more important that he is safe and being looked after by professionals. With regard to the POA forms get them done asap. We only got ours through just in time before Dad went into the home. Please don't feel guilty as unfortunately this horrible disease will dictate when your Dad needs to go into a care home and by the sounds of it it is the right time now. It's no ones fault and you have to think about yourself and your Mums health too. If its any consolation it will get easier in time and by the sounds of it if your Dad is like mine he hasn't a clue where he is. Hope this helps xx

 

[Dazmum]

I know and thank you for trying to reassure me but I just feel so cruel. Yes at the moment he doesnt know where he is but what if one day he realises hes not home & gets upset. I can cope with everything as long as he isnt unhappy.

Oh Claire, it's such a horrible decision, one of the worst you have to make. I've had to make it for both dad and mum, and you feel just terrible.

If one day he does realise that he isn't at home, there will be many kind and compassionate people who will reassure him, talk to him, comfort him and distract him. He will be safe and well cared for. Your mum and you will be able to spend quality time with him too. Your mum's health will improve as well and you will feel better and more relaxed knowing you don't have to worry about them all the time.

There may well be a time when he is unsettled at being somewhere new and unfamiliar, and you will feel guilty, even though you have nothing to feel guilty for, you really don't. You are being a great daughter who wants the best for her mum and dad x

 

[claire43]

I cant thank you all enough for your support.
Cookiebabe Im so sorry you to are going through the same ordeal, its devastating.

I honestly never knew someone could decline so rapidly, the only way I can describe it is its like someone flicked a switch & he stopped being him - literally overnight.

I went up to see him earlier & he was so funny & cute. When we got there he was sitting with a group of nurses at their desk in someone elses dressing gown, stuffed up his top & down his trousers were a stack of tissues, the daily paper, crisps & packet of biscuits, along with a few loose biscuits in his pocket. Hes convinced hes spent the day on a bus to Brecon (a town about 20 miles away) & he thinks hes waiting for the bus to pick him back up. He was also very impressed with the fancy bus station (which was the bay hes in!).

When hes like this I know Ive made the only decision possible plus I feel better because he has no idea where he is or why. But I know we've all got many many tough times ahead of us.

 

[Niloc]

After my fathers rapid decline over the weekend I spoke to the staff nurse about putting the wheels into motion regarding long term residential care. She explained that my dad would probably stay on the ward over the christmas period because he still has some underlying medical issues (minor water infection, unable to pass urine properly, high bp & fast heart rate. Then he would almost certainly be transferred to another hospital a few miles further away whilst a suitable care home could be found. I was at work at the time & as soon as I put the phone down I just burst into tears & couldnt stop. In the end I had to be sent home which has never happended before.

I feel like the worst daughter in the world, how can I face him tonight at visiting when I know what Ive just done. Its like Im 2 different people - 1 of me knows absolutely that my 77 year old mother could not cope, it would kill her then another me thinks maybe just maybe he could come home we'd have sitters at night Id go to help straight from work etc etc. The reality of the situation as it is at present is that my dad doesnt know where he is. He asked if he was in a hotel this morning & was there laundry service, last night he asked me if my home was like his (meaning the room he was in). But what happens if he becomes worked up & realises hes not at home. There are so many questions & worries going round & round my head I feel like I cant catch my breath.

This has happened so quickly despite years of him being confused & forgetful this huge decline happened overnight. Only last week he agreed to POA & the forms are in his house but now hes in no fit state to sign them. Sorry to ramble but these are the thoughts swirling round my head.....

Claire

I really do know where you are with this, as I too am at the same point with my MUM. DAd cannot cope anymore but having been together for 60 years he cannot accept what we need to do next. I do not have brothers and sisters and feel the decision to put mum in a home is just too much to take. I like you cannot stop crying . I know in my heart of hearts that we cannot carry in like we are, infact despite all our efforts because of distress and tiredness we probably aren't helping as we once could. This will only get worse so in reality we are not bad daughters because we are trying to do the best fir both our parents by finding help.
I know I haven't given you answers anymore than others have given them to me, but honestly you are not bad , and at least the hospital is helping you, I have got to face taking her into a home myself . We both need to stay strong .

 

[claire43]

Hiya Niloc.

I hate this - all of it!!! Im so sorry about your mam. Like yours my mam & dad have been together nearly 60 years & I can see the spark gone out of my mothers eyes at present cos shes doubting herself on whether this is the right decision. Today hes seems to be having more lucid moments which has also put a doubt in my mind as to the course of action we're embarking on.

Apparently hes now classed as medically fit to come home, but is thought to be a danger to himself. He now for the first time in days realises hes in hospital & thinks its ridiculous he cant come home. When I asked him where he lived he couldnt remember despite having lived there for over 50 years. But overall his seemed much less confused. The nurse also informed us that he still isnt sleeping despite sedation & can be a bit of a handful especially at night. Apparently hes been laying on the floor & refusing to lay on his bed at night!

Now Im left wondering have we made the right decision? I can understand your distress at having to take the lead yourself by putting your mother in a care home. I dont know if theres ever a right time to make that decision, I think you'll always have doubts. Like you I have no brother or sister to help make this less of a burden. Unfortunately my only sister died 2 years ago of a brain tumour at the age of 49. She was always very sensible & practical. She was a head teacher so to be honest I always thought she'd be the one who would take the lead role at difficult times like this.

 

[Niloc]

Hi Claire

We really are going through it aren't we. I guess if we weren't surmising every scenario as we come to a decision we wouldn't be the people we' are - we do care and love our parents to bits and that is what makes all of this so hard.

I have tried to think of the tough decisions my parents must have had to make in their lifetime and whilst they have never had this before, they always seemed to know what to do in any crisis. My Dad once said when I was young " there is nothing to fear , but Fear itself" . In some ways that is what is happening to you and I right now. The not knowing , and the pondering of what your Dad and my Mums reaction is going to be in a CH.

My Dad is going with my husband today to view the CH that Mum may go into even that is frightening me despite me having gone there myself several times knowing how nice it

With your Dad in hospital and refusing to get into bed, I think that for you and your Mam it is now defiantly time for residential care. You and your Mam can give endless love and attention to your Dad, and nothing will change that where ever he is, but you need professional care for him now, where Careers can care for his needs without the emotional feelings that you and your Mam are battling with. Stay strong.




UOTE=claire43;856975]Hiya Niloc.

I hate this - all of it!!! Im so sorry about your mam. Like yours my mam & dad have been together nearly 60 years & I can see the spark gone out of my mothers eyes at present cos shes doubting herself on whether this is the right decision. Today hes seems to be having more lucid moments which has also put a doubt in my mind as to the course of action we're embarking on.

Apparently hes now classed as medically fit to come home, but is thought to be a danger to himself. He now for the first time in days realises hes in hospital & thinks its ridiculous he cant come home. When I asked him where he lived he couldnt remember despite having lived there for over 50 years. But overall his seemed much less confused. The nurse also informed us that he still isnt sleeping despite sedation & can be a bit of a handful especially at night. Apparently hes been laying on the floor & refusing to lay on his bed at night!

Now Im left wondering have we made the right decision? I can understand your distress at having to take the lead yourself by putting your mother in a care home. I dont know if theres ever a right time to make that decision, I think you'll always have doubts. Like you I have no brother or sister to help make this less of a burden. Unfortunately my only sister died 2 years ago of a brain tumour at the age of 49. She was always very sensible & practical. She was a head teacher so to be honest I always thought she'd be the one who would take the lead role at difficult times like this.[/QUOTE]

 

[Dazmum]

Hi Claire and Niloc, it's very hard being the only child at a time like this, I felt that too, wishing I had someone to share the decision making with and to share the search for a care home too, although my husband was great, I felt very lonely and much too responsible. My parents had been married 60 years too.

I can't say that you haven't got some tough times ahead; but you will get through this, talking to people here, helped me no end. I am out of the other side of this although I thought I never would be, and while I hate the fact that mum has to be where she is, I spend more quality time with her now and I don't need to worry as I am confident in the carers in her nursing home. She took a while (several months) to settle, for many it doesn't happen overnight, as everyone is different, but now she is both settled and seemingly happy.

I really feel for you both as I know how very hard this is, but you are both lovely people with a lot on your shoulders. It's scary being grown up

 

[claire43]

Its such a relief to come to this site & talk frankly about this situation & not get judged. Unless you've had a similar experience I dont think anyone can understand the torment this disease causes to the sufferer & his loved ones.

Niloc you seem a bit further down this road than I am at moment. My dad is still on a medical ward & will shortly be moved to a long stay hospital. Then we have to sort out the financial side of things before we can even think of looking for a CH.

When we went up to see him after work this evening he was actually tucked up in bed sleeping. Not wanting to wake him especially as he hasnt slept more than a few hours the whole time hes been in we just left some drinks & clean clothes. Id be lying if I didnt admit I was actually relieved, how awful is that. Apparently when my mother went up for the afternoon visit he was very agitated & demanding. He was ranting about the staff etc. I just rang the ward to see how he was only to hear him shouting in the background! The male nurse put him on to speak to me & he was just raving on about how the male nurse was a psychopath who was trying to kill him & how he wanted to me to get the police immediately. Eventually I spoke to the nurse in charge who explained that he keeps refusing to take his meds & that they have been given permission to administer a sedative by injection but that hes so worked up it would take 4 people to hold him down to give it & they dont want to upset him anymore than theyve got to.

At least this makes the decisions Ive made easier to accept, I mean how on earth would we as a family deal with him if he was at home. Id like to ring back in a hour or so but am afraid Im being a nuisance when theyve obviously got their hands full.

 

[BiscuitQueen]

Advice and Reassurance

Hi to all of you,
This is my first time of writing as your messages really apply to me as well.
My mother who is 87 was diagnosed with dementia nearly 3 years ago, although her short term memory was quite poor she was able to look after herself until 6 weeks ago when she had a deep vein thrombosis and a urine infection at the same time that resulted in her going into hospital. While there she thought she was in a home and perked up considerable, eating properly and chatting to staff and patients. After 8 days she returned to her home with 3 care visits arranged for each day. It seems that overnight the light has been switched off, she didn't eat would just spend all day in bed and blames the carer for everything. Last Thursday she became so hysterical that the Carers called me and when I visited her ( I'd only seen her three days earlier) she looked awful, was crying constantly and wishing herself dead. My daughter and I agreed that she needed to go into a home and as we had already been looking were able to get her in to what seems to be an amazing place. My mother agreed that she needed looking after but continually refers to the Carers who were visiting her at her own home. I suppose I expected an immediate improvement but my mother just wants to stay in bed all day and not do anything or get involved in all the amazing activities they have there. She cries every time we visit and wishes herself dead.
has anyone experienced anything like this and is it possible she may settle in and join in? I feel so awful as I can't bear to see her like this. I'm sure my visits make her worse but don't want to stay away incase she needs me.
The guilt is killing me and I really don't know what to do
Thanks
Jane

 

[Noorza]

Hi Claire and Niloc, it's very hard being the only child at a time like this, I felt that too, wishing I had someone to share the decision making with and to share the search for a care home too, although my husband was great, I felt very lonely and much too responsible. My parents had been married 60 years too.

I can't say that you haven't got some tough times ahead; but you will get through this, talking to people here, helped me no end. I am out of the other side of this although I thought I never would be, and while I hate the fact that mum has to be where she is, I spend more quality time with her now and I don't need to worry as I am confident in the carers in her nursing home. She took a while (several months) to settle, for many it doesn't happen overnight, as everyone is different, but now she is both settled and seemingly happy.

I really feel for you both as I know how very hard this is, but you are both lovely people with a lot on your shoulders. It's scary being grown up

Lovely post Daz and I don't want to minimise the huge responsibility this is for one person to make. I just wanted to put my two penneth in as I have four siblings, three of which are the invisibles, the other was even more invisible than the other invisibles until Mum was diagnosed with brain vessel damage, then tried to take over the finances even persuading mum, to go to a solicitor to have the PoA of 20 years standing removed from me and given to her. How I was supposed to manage all of the caring without it was lost on her. I know it will fall on me if the time comes, as it is me who is the carer.

I know it's hard as even with siblings I have to make the decisions but siblings can also be a right royal pain in the butt. My sister's shennigan's almost brought me to my knees when caring is hard enough by itself. If we were like the Waltons it would have helped but we're not.

Sorry, just had to interject there.......

 

[Noorza]

Hi to all of you,
This is my first time of writing as your messages really apply to me as well.
My mother who is 87 was diagnosed with dementia nearly 3 years ago, although her short term memory was quite poor she was able to look after herself until 6 weeks ago when she had a deep vein thrombosis and a urine infection at the same time that resulted in her going into hospital. While there she thought she was in a home and perked up considerable, eating properly and chatting to staff and patients. After 8 days she returned to her home with 3 care visits arranged for each day. It seems that overnight the light has been switched off, she didn't eat would just spend all day in bed and blames the carer for everything. Last Thursday she became so hysterical that the Carers called me and when I visited her ( I'd only seen her three days earlier) she looked awful, was crying constantly and wishing herself dead. My daughter and I agreed that she needed to go into a home and as we had already been looking were able to get her in to what seems to be an amazing place. My mother agreed that she needed looking after but continually refers to the Carers who were visiting her at her own home. I suppose I expected an immediate improvement but my mother just wants to stay in bed all day and not do anything or get involved in all the amazing activities they have there. She cries every time we visit and wishes herself dead.
has anyone experienced anything like this and is it possible she may settle in and join in? I feel so awful as I can't bear to see her like this. I'm sure my visits make her worse but don't want to stay away incase she needs me.
The guilt is killing me and I really don't know what to do
Thanks
Jane

It can often take several weeks from reading many posts on here to people to settle in. She wasn't happy at home, she wasn't happy with the carers, she's not happy now, so you haven't made her unhappy, you've done the best thing for her.

I'd be talking to the care home manager to see if they have any ideas as to how to get her involved, they must have seen this a thousand times. Maybe a trip to the GP too might help. There are other things that can be done such as activity aprons with things to fiddle with to distract her, some people find dolls are helpful as they focus on the "baby" rather than themselves.

I don't have any experience but would be talking to the manager and staff, you could start a thread of your own on here for ideas from other people who have gone through the same to help your mum settle in.

A warm welcome to TP

 

[Dazmum]

Your relief at your dad being asleep isn't awful at all Claire. I once started a post a long time ago here called 'is it just me?' where I confessed that most of the time I dreaded visiting my dad in his nursing home. Before that I dreaded visiting him in the hospital too as I would leave even more stressed than before, feeling helpless and trying to be positive for my mum too as she was in early stages of dementia then and I didn't want to upset her. So many people posted to say that it wasn't just me and they bad the same feelings.

On the other hand when you visit and see even the tiniest improvement or glimpse that your dad is still your 'old dad' you feel almost euphoric and the day is suddenly a bit brighter.

Biscuit Queen, welcome to TP. What a difficult time it's been for you too. When my mum first went into her nursing home, it was awful. She was ok for a couple of days but then she became very unsettled and literally didn't sleep at night for several weeks, and that was with my dad being in the same home. I had hoped that would help her but it didn't seem to. Eventually though, she did, but I would say that it was months rather than the days or even weeks I had hoped for. It may be your mum's UTI also that isn't helping, have you asked if she still has it?

 

[claire43]

Dazmum thank you for your comforting words. I suppose we just have to take it day by day at the moment. Tonights visit went well. He was lying on his bed with a young nurse sat by the side of him. He was calm which is a blessing. From a selfish standpoint this makes my decision seem a bit hasty. After all he still knows who we are, still talks about his car & how we need to put petrol in so he can drive home from hospital & even that his car battery is probably flat because he hasnt driven it for several days. This is then followed by thinking the male nurse who he accused of trying to kill him last night is an old friend of his come to visit him

 

[FifiMo]

Claire,

Can I also give you something to consider? It is often easier to transition someone from hospital direct to a care home. This is because there is a routine that is established that is more understandable to them. You can tell your dad that he is going for rehabilitation as the doctor wants him to build himself up again before going home. This automatically lets you blame the Dr if he gets to a stage where he asks why he is in the home. He does sound like a character. He might settle down well to the less formal routine at a care home. In my experience, there are many people who don't communicate well in a home, so the staff love it when they have ones who are able to interact with them. This in turn can mean more one on one attention.

Btw, the male nurse might be a problem, because older folks associate nurses with being female. My mother was like this. Any male nurses were the doctors to her. LOL. She was certainly more comfortable with personal care being given by female nurses. Just a thought...

Fiona

 

[Dazmum]

Fifimo is absolutely right Claire, this is the route we took with my dad, and telling your dad he is going for rehabilitation or convalescence is a very good and a to my mind, a gentler way of getting him into long term care. X