Family fail to recognise how severe the situation is

[brendalee]

Hi there, I am hoping someone will be able to point me in the right direction with my problem. I am a cleaner/home help for an elderly couple in North Hampshire (near Basingstoke). They have 2 children who live in the Uk - one lives about 50 miles away and the other lives about 80 miles away. They are a very close loving family and see each other several times during the year.
I have contacted the children several times over the past 2 years as I have become very concerned about the lady who I clean for. There have been episodes of her not recognising friends, her husband, me, forgetting appointments, where she is, forgetting to take her medication for depression, and numerous other episodes too greaqt to list here.
The upshot is, her husband seems to think the days she is bad are just "one of those days" and their children - whilst realising that she does have some issues, tell me that she is far from the stage where she needs help on a regular basis.
I am at my wits end somedays as this poor lady is so very confused that I spend the two hours I am at the house, reassuring and trying to let her husband see just how bad things are getting.
I know from seeing my own Father suffer with this condition, that life could be made a bit easier for both her and her husband but my hands are tied and I am not sure what exactly can be done, given that I have given the husband information and leaflets but to no avail. Help!!

 

[tp18]

I am sorry that I don't have any advice, no doubt someone will be along soon who will be able to shed some light on what would be best to do in your situation.

I just felt I had to post though, to say that it is so heartwarming to know that you care so much to take the time to post here, and yet you are "just the cleaner".

Please don't take offense at what I have said, for none was meant, in fact just the opposite. I wish everyone was as kind and caring as you

 

[Sue J]

I am sorry that I don't have any advice, no doubt someone will be along soon who will be able to shed some light on what would be best to do in your situation.

I just felt I had to post though, to say that it is so heartwarming to know that you care so much to take the time to post here, and yet you are "just the cleaner".

Please don't take offense at what I have said, for none was meant, in fact just the opposite. I wish everyone was as kind and caring as you

ditto

 

[zeeeb]

Do you know who her doctor is? Or what surgery? I would write a note to the GP, or if you don't know specifically the GP, address it to the GP of XX at the surgery.

Write down your concerns, list some examples. Let them know that the family refuse to beleive that she has an issue but as a weekly cleaner, that you are spending more and more time trying to calm her and sift through her confusion than you do cleaning, that she doesn't recognise people including yourself often, that she regularly misses appointments and that you really think that she is a vulnerable person and that she needs extra supports in place.

The Doctor won't be able to contact you because of privacy, but they can certainly take it into account when they treat her. You can then try and encourage her to go and have a check up, even if you offer to take her along so that you know that she won't miss the appointment.

Also write the same kind of letter to social services. Again, they won't be able to tell you anything due to privacy, but it's a tiny step that you can make.

 

[Witzend]

Also write the same kind of letter to social services. Again, they won't be able to tell you anything due to privacy, but it's a tiny step that you can make.

I must say that I think the family could be seriously put out if they found that someone had contacted SS behind their backs. I know I would be. The OP says that they are a close and loving family - hard as it may be, I think that ultimately it is they who have to decide when the time is right.

 

[Concerned_Son]

The upshot is, her husband seems to think the days she is bad are just "one of those days" and their children - whilst realising that she does have some issues, tell me that she is far from the stage where she needs help on a regular basis.

Blimey, what a nightmare situation.

Perhaps you could point out, it's not so much about getting help on a regular basis, more a case of if anything is wrong it's best to seek treatment as soon as possible?

I am new here myself, but perhaps there's a fact-sheet that you could print-out and give to her husband, try looking around on here: http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/documents.php?categoryID=200137

 

[Delphie]

Hi

The husband is, I assume, there most of the time and the de facto carer, whether or not he sees himself as one. So is the lady cared for adequately? Or is she neglected or at risk? I think if the answers are yes she's looked after and no she's not at risk then I wouldn't make any further moves to engage more care. Confusion and the other things mentioned are a part of dementia and even the most attentive carers can't always do anything much about it.

People have different ways of coping and if the husband chooses to see their situation in terms of good days and bad days then that's his call.

Obviously if the lady is neglected or at risk then there is an argument for insisting that the family take those concerns on board. I'd probably write to them outlining the main worries, saying that it's difficult to see the true picture from a distance and that people with dementia can present very well when, in fact, they're really unwell and not coping.

I'd only go behind the family's back in getting professionals involved if there was an immediate risk.

 

[sistermillicent]

I was well aware, living a long way from my parents, that mum was getting worse and had bad days, but she and dad chose to manage themselves. Dad did certainly not want leaflets and information telling him what to do and how to cope. I didn't visit all that often, neither did my sisters. That was how our family worked. We respected mum and dad's right to live as they chose, and trusted dad to do his very best for mum.
To intervene would have been like shattering their marriage.
Things changed when dad asked for advice.
Until then we could do nothing.
You are in a position of trust, don't betray it just because you feel uncomfortable.

 

[Noorza]

There is a massive amount of support, not as much as should be there admittedly, but from home adaptations, to even a couple of hours a week a fortnight for a break for the carer.

I think, if it were me, I'd be sending informal emails to the family along the lines of "I thought you'd like to know that today your Mum couldn't remember (or whatever) how to...." and then leave it to them. They are a loving family, you will be keeping them up to date with information, whilst not "interfering" or taking over the decision making.

If there is a change from "loving family" to neglect or abuse then it all changes.


I also think it's wonderful that you are watching out for this couple so well done to you although I feel your options with a loving family are limited bar keeping them informed.

 

[Witzend]

There is a massive amount of support, not as much as should be there admittedly, but from home adaptations, to even a couple of hours a week a fortnight for a break for the carer.

I think, if it were me, I'd be sending informal emails to the family along the lines of "I thought you'd like to know that today your Mum couldn't remember (or whatever) how to...." and then leave it to them. They are a loving family, you will be keeping them up to date with information, whilst not "interfering" or taking over the decision making.

If there is a change from "loving family" to neglect or abuse then it all changes.


I also think it's wonderful that you are watching out for this couple so well done to you although I feel your options with a loving family are limited bar keeping them informed.

It could be that the family are at least reasonably aware of their mother's limitations - but also aware that their father is not yet ready to accept outside help other than the OP. We read about this sort of scenario often enough on TP, and OH and I have experienced it with old friends of his parents. Elderly people can be extremely resistant to strangers coming into the house, not to mention very wary of any SS involvement, since they may fear interference and 'taking over', or even separating a couple 'for their own good'.