Many of you will know how I've wrestled with my emotions as whether to put my husband in care. But also the constant battles I have with my stepsons.......but now I can take no more....
Sue having just got Mother in law into an EMI Residential home, I can say..just do it! have your life back.... its wonderful! We are still relishing the sense of freedom.
There comes a time when you have done everything you have exhausted all the respite, carers (which she sent away or hid from) , family support .. and just run out of energy steam..and the will to live... and that means its time. Your husband will never think it is time. I cannot imagine there is a single person in an EMI home who went willingly. I work in a hospital and often people end up being admitted as a result of an emergency admission, so families dont have to go through the trauma of getting them in from home.
We have had a couple of years ..probably longer looking back at the symptoms of gradually increasing the support to the point where my husband gave up his job .to care for hs mother ..he is self employed to so the work gradually dropped off. He finally applied for attendance allowance and carers allowance, which oc course has stopped now.
He always said when she didnt recognise him she would be ready..well of course she does still recognise him ..although at times he was her father, husband, boyfirend etc..So he had to come to terms with the fact that there are times when she can have a reasonable conversation but was quite unable to care for herself ..cook, mange her own finances or organise herself. However she was very fit and very mobile for an 82 year old, and would walk and walk, and try and get on buses and trains (she never learned to drive!) which was a nightmare.
We increased her days at a day centre, which he took her to daily ..always a battle when she got there...I dont want to be here ..I m going to call the police ..trying to run down the drive ..hoever when we poicked her up at the end of the day .she always said what a lovely time she had had..forgot completley the morning fuss!
She has been increasingley agitated over the last year, and the psychiatrist did warn us to look out for this depression as a sign she is not coping. We live in a little village and all the shopkeepers have known her for years and have been very patient and supportive, but of course her visits and conversation have become increasingly bizarre : and she recognises peoples facial expressions when they clearly are wondering what on earth she is on about, and has enough insight to recognise that she was not connecting with people in any meaningful way.
Her daughter had her when we were on holiday, she went to the day centre, and spent the evenings with us, we would take her down the road and tuck her into her bed at her house at night..this was becoming increasingley confusing for her.
We realised she needed 24/7 care ..at the end we were locking her door at night because she went wandering...and this was the crisis moment.
So we looked for a residential home with minimal agency staff, a garden she could wander in, and we found a nice little family home, with a resident dog, lovely staff and 15 people in each house, so a real family unit.
It was hell taking her in , we didnt tell her didnt even pack a bag but got the room ready put all her clothes in the drawers took her furniture over while she was at her daughters and just took her in the clothes she stood up in. She couldnt retain anything for more than 10 minutes ..apart from old memories..so telilng her she was going in would have been impossible, upset her hugely, and she would not have walked in through the door!
We had visited once, and she had enjoyed her visit but not asked anything about the palce.
So we took her in, listened to a music session , was just going into lunch when she started asking to go home, one of the nurses took her aside and explained she was staying for a while ..she got cross we escaped! Terible guilt and feeling awful but she was there. Phoned the next day, stlled at times but also caught her trying toclimb out of a window, and constantly packing ..which did did at our house, and her daughters house as well.
Anyway ..2 weeks down the line she is settling, psychiatrist has been and she has just been started on mild sedatives to calm her agitation is much clamer but able to wander around and is tarting to make friends...we were able to talk to her on the phone yesterday which was lovely and she sounded happiers.
Staff are great ..we may visit in a week or so but will be guided by the staff
Just do it ....
We know a chao who looked after his mother ..got ot the end of his tether after some years phoned social services and said he couldnt take anymore ..they took her away that night.
Stepsons can b.... off .if they have not had their Dad for a few weeks 24/7 then they have no right to make any remarks. We have all been through the guilt thing be it neighbours, relatives etc who can make you feel like the villain of the piece whereas you have been managing a nightmare situation solo for along time
Best thing we did ..bite the bullet round up your support network GP and social servcies choose the home and do it. Then get on with your life.
Thinking of you
