I'm 16 and my dad has Alzheimer's at 52 years old

16Kate

Registered User
Dec 3, 2013
20
0
North wales
My dad was diagnosed with younger onset Alzheimer's earlier this year, when I first found out I thought he would have so much time yet after reading about a man who was still driving after having this disease for over 10 years. However, my dad had to give up driving before he was officially diagnosed. I'm in the middle of my exams yet all I seem To be doing is worrying. My family - I am the youngest of five(3 girls, 2 boys) my parents are still together and I have no memory of them every arguing. Until recently that's all they ever seem to do. Mum cries a lot and breaks things occasionally but we have never really been the touchy feely kind of family so I find it really awkward to comfort her and feel rather guilty. My school don't know and I am under a lot of pressure from my teachers as my grades have been dropping. My friends know my dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer's but they don't seem to understand what actually happens and I hate to go on about it, so I just keep it all in. That's why I've come on here, to speak with people who understand, if your 16 or 60 I don't care, I would just like advice.
 

Onlyme

Registered User
Apr 5, 2010
4,992
0
UK
Hi Kate

Welcome to Talking Point. I am so sorry that you had cause to find this forum.

First off you need to talk to school. Tell your Mum you need to do this but will ask the staff not to tell any one else. You need to let the school support and help you as you are too young to carry on as you are. You won't be the first case they have come across and they will at least understand the pressure you are under.

Please come and rant on here anytime you want; we are always here to listen.

I hope you get some sleep.

Ps I have teenagers.
 

zeeeb

Registered User
Hi, I agree that you should tell someone at school. If you have a favourite teacher or a counsellor at school that you can talk to, this way your teachers can understand that your grades are dropping because of the stress, and so they won't think you've just gone off the rails or gotten lazy.

So many people are touched by dementia, and any support you can get from one or any of your teachers will help. You do need to talk it out with someone who has some knowledge about dementia. And lets be honest, most people your age won't understand much about it unless they've had a family member go through it.

None of this is your fault, and it is not something you can personally fix. You still have your whole life ahead of you, so anyway you can find a way to get through and complete your schooling successfully is worth trying. If you have to study at a library instead of at home to get some peace, or even at a friends house so that you can get your mind off of whats going on at home.
 

Linbrusco

Registered User
Mar 4, 2013
1,694
0
Auckland...... New Zealand
Hi Kate (((HUGS)))
I have an 11yo & a 16yo. Their Grandmas has Alzheimers, but their Dad also has cognitive issues due to treatment and surgery for a brain tumour 10 years ago.

I can see from my perspective both sides.
As my children were quite young when their Dad got sick, I have always made a point of keeping their teachers and principal informed every step of the way. You can tell as little or as much to your friends or classmates as you want. They don't have to know but school does.
Twice I have had my son attending therapy with a Counsellor when he was younger as he had a lot of anger.
I can imagine how hard it must be for you, trying to help your Mum & Dad, and I'm not sure what extra family support you may have, but if ever there was a time, you need to call on anyone and everyone possible.

Even us adults need support xx
 

CeliaW

Registered User
Jan 29, 2009
5,643
0
Hampshire
Hello' Kate - sorry to hear things are so tough for you and I am sure you will get lots of support here and, particularly, answers to questions about Alzheimers. Please feel able to ask anything -someone will no doubt know just what you are talking about as, between us, we must have experienced most things.

Although you may not see it that way, like all your family, you are a carer for your Dad - its just you all do different things and so you need support. There is a very good young carers website you might find helpful - http://youngcarers.net/

There are also groups specific to Wales and many national organisations run support groups for young carers. The group mentioned above will share details of them but you can also google "young carers in Wales" and quite a few come up. A lot of them refer to children which must be off putting at 16! But they do work with people your age so please try and look past that word.

Getting yourself on here and posting has taken courage and initiative - well done you!

Look forward to seeing you around and helping with yourqueries if I can,

Take care

Celia
 

Shash7677

Registered User
Sep 15, 2012
1,671
0
Nuneaton, warwickshire
Hi Kate,

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad, you're so young and at such a crucial stage too with your exams I can't imagine how hard it is for you.

As someone who has worked in schools I just wanted to offer some advice, you can speak to a student mentor or school counsellor (sometimes the same thing) in confidence and you do not have to tell your mum you have done this unless you want to. You may have a pastoral manager or head of year that you could speak to?

They may say to you that it would be an idea to let the teachers you have know that you may not be yourself but they are not to ask you what is wrong or pressure you anyway where your school work is concerned, just so, if maybe one day you can't quite concentrate you don't get pulled up and upset. The less pressure from elsewhere the better as I'm sure there is enough at home.

It is difficult to speak to people I know, but tears and anger are allowed, that's what mentors are for and you can speak to them in the strictest of confidence.

I hope you manage to get to talk to someone, we at TP are always here for you.

Sharon
 

at wits end

Registered User
Nov 9, 2012
752
0
East Anglia
Hi Kate

I have a daughter the same age as you. I'm sure she wont mind me telling you that she has had some counselling last year when things were difficult and is about to have some more. Its such a stressful time at school this year without extra problems at home.

DO speak to a sympathetic teacher or your Head of Year so they understand what is happening. Would your Mum perhaps email them for you if you find it hard to start the conversation?

The School counsellor my daughter saw was really good (so my daughter says) and even gave her some free cinema tickets for a night out with her friends!

You'll find it much easier if people know.

Good luck.

XXX
 

Cucu Mzungu

Registered User
Nov 11, 2011
63
0
London
Communicating the situation at school

Hi Kate, I am very sorry to hear about your situation. I know how for me (and I am 66) when something is really upsetting me it can be so hard to concentrate on anything else - and obviously you don't want to have your life messed up more than necessary by the sad deterioration in your dad.

I agree with everyone who says - "Please let them know at school". But I was thinking about how hard it could be to start that sort of conversation. If that is the case with you perhaps you could write down on a sheet of paper what you would like school to understand and give that to whoever you feel you could best talk with and ask them if you can make a time to come and talk after they have had time to read what you have written.

OR could you take a friend with you to explain the situation and you can join in the conversation when you feel ready?

With Good Wishes,
CM
 

shelley26_81

Registered User
Nov 27, 2013
11
0
Hi Kate
My mum also has early onset alzheimers and was diagnosed at the age of 54. Its so hard. I also teach 16 year olds so I know how important it is that you discuss this with one of your teachers or a school counsellor. I'm thinking of you and understand how hard it must be for you especially trying to do your exams. I'm so pleased you've found this forum though, everyone is so supportive!
Shelley
 

end of my rope

Registered User
Feb 22, 2013
146
0
Hello Kate

First of all biggest hugs possible to you.

Have a chat with a teacher or school counsellor if you can - you could print out what you wrote in your post and give that to the person at school you choose to confide in - that might help you get over the initial "why I am here and what I want to talk about". The person you speak with should be able to find the right support for you in terms of school and homework and so on.

Alzheimers is a cruel disease and its impact on family and friends is at times very difficult. From what I've seen and experienced the more you love someone the more it hurts, so you, your mum and your brothers and sisters are all going through a very tough time, nerves are on edge and things will get broken.

This might seem counter intuitive (as I know you are under pressure and probably feel like you can't take anything more on) but I would advise you to find a hobby/interest/part time job anything that isn't Alzheimer's related and start doing that. You really need to carve out some space and time for yourself and be able to define some parts of your life as non-Alzheimer's. When my mum was living with me and my daughter I arranged for a "visitor" (actually a trained nurse) to sit with mum while we went to an astronomy group. My daughter is interested in it and it had nothing whatsoever to do with mum's illness. I have to tell you I haven't the slightest interest in astronomy but every week or so we still go - daughter loves it and I have learned to keep silent and not mistake planes for shooting stars:D.

I'm guessing you are at school right now and will come back to lots of messages, with good advice and loads of virtual hugs and support. Like everyone else I'll keep an eye open for your posts and hope to hear from you again soon.

Once you've gone through your messages, had a bit of a weep, go downstairs and have a cup of tea with your mum and dad. They both love you very much and I know that they are both just longing to have a little bit of calm time with their girl.

With love


eomr
 

Helena B

Registered User
My friends know my dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer's but they don't seem to understand what actually happens and I hate to go on about it, so I just keep it all in. That's why I've come on here, to speak with people who understand, if your 16 or 60 I don't care, I would just like advice.

Dear Kate -- School is one set of learning and now here's a whole other learning experience, one you didn't even choose! It won't be fun but it will be interesting and important. And as you learn more, it will be good to share what you learn with your friends. They'll need to know more in time. Loads of them will have grandparents (and ultimately parents too) affected by this illness. As you talk about it, other people will share. You'll be surprised to find you're not as alone as you thought.

It's terrific that you came here to communicate your feelings and thoughts. Keep doing it. Do what the other people are advising on this thread, and talk to guidance at school. Understanding Alzheimers is now your project, but only one project. The rest of your life and learning is another and needs to go on too. So keep time for yourself. Stay sane, go out and enjoy your life. That's what your dad would want above all things.

And there is no need to panic. Your dad is still your dad, though his brain isn't working as well as it did. Some of what happens round him will be bizarre and funny, even though some of it is also scary for you (and him). Keep your sense of humour. Hang in there. Most importantly, look after you, as well as caring for the rest of your family.

Sending love, Nell
 

jaymor

Registered User
Jul 14, 2006
15,604
0
South Staffordshire
Hi Katie,

Welcome to the forum and please think very seriously about letting teachers know your Dad has dementia. This will lessen your stress so much. Once they understand why your performance is dropping then they will support you not give you extra grief. I bet there will be several staff who know all about having a relative with one form of dementia.

If we all strive to make just one more person aware of the problems we face when caring for someone with dementia then hopefully we will get more understanding of the disease outside of our home and this wonderful community that is TP.

Please come here and ask your questions and may be Mum will join you and let us support and help you both.

Thinking of you and sending best wishes,

Jay






Sent from my iPad using Talking Point mobile app
 

16Kate

Registered User
Dec 3, 2013
20
0
North wales
Thankyou all for your support and advice, I read some of your comments during my IT lesson and I followed them! I sent a letter to my head of year scheduling a meeting during my lunch break and it turns out her grandmother has Alzheimer's. It's so nice knowing my post is being seen, let alone getting a response! As a thanks, I am willing to give you advice too if any of you have family around my age and aren't sure how to approach them, just ask. Thankyou all so so much, have no idea how much it means, best wishes x
 

end of my rope

Registered User
Feb 22, 2013
146
0
Kate

Lovely to hear you sounding so positive, it's great that you had the courage to follow up on talking with someone at school.
Although your experience is unique it's amazing how many people say "me too" when it comes to having family members living with dementia and how many of them just want to help and support you. You've proven it yourself by offering to support any of our teenagers trying to cope with dementia in the family.

Take very good care of yourself lovely

eomr
 

kingmidas1962

Registered User
Jun 10, 2012
3,534
0
South Gloucs
I can't add anything to what others have said - other than to say 'welcome' from one Kate to another ... my daughter is just a little younger than you (15) and I'd be very proud of her if she took the (necessary but difficult) steps you have to getting this out in the open.

Well done - keep us posted
Kate
xxxxx
 

Shash7677

Registered User
Sep 15, 2012
1,671
0
Nuneaton, warwickshire
Hi Kate,

I'm so glad you managed to speak to your HOY, it's amazing how many people alzheimers affects isn't it.

The channels of communication are now open at school it must have been difficult to e mail her and even more difficult to talk, without meaning to be patronising well done, it was a brave thing to do.

TP is here for everyone, use it as much as you need to, there is always someone here and even if we can't give advice there plenty of support and virtual hugs available.

It's kind of you to offer help too, my children are much younger than you are (even though you aren't old!!!) and it's my mum who has AD, but there are lots of people with children (young adults) your age who would welcome the supper you offer.

Take care, keep talking at school,

Sharon x
 

16Kate

Registered User
Dec 3, 2013
20
0
North wales
Thanks, yes it was hard and rather a lot of tears between us but I left feeling like a weight had been lifted, I'm not good at advice but I'd like to help anyone, Im greatful for everyone's support xxx
 

chris53

Registered User
Nov 9, 2009
2,929
0
London
Hello from me also Kate, a warm welcome to you to Talking Point:) thank you for introducing yourself and telling us about your dad, please do keep posting as support is here for you and your family whenever you need it, and also smiles amongst the tears:eek:
Take care, and big hug
Chris x