Hi, I am a new member, just registered. Friday night I was faced with a problem, my mum rang screaming & shouting at me saying she couldn't cope with my dad anymore & she was going to throw herself in the lake near where they live & put the phone down on me, I was distraught as I don't live near to them & she wasn't picking up the phone, eventually I did get her & calmed her down on the phone. How do you get out of hours support & at what point do you think that the carer cannot cope, my mum is 77yrs old & has IBS which is flaring up most of the time now due to the stress. Has anyone experienced this at all.
Mum not coping with Dad who has dementia
- Thread starter siraysue
- Start date
Good morning and welcome to TP.
I'm so sorry to read about your parents' situation. It must be even harder for you when you're trying to sort things out over the phone.
I wondered of your parents had gone though a Community Care Assessment. If not I would phone the Social Work Department and ask for one as a matter of urgency as your parents!are vulnerable and at risk. If they've already had one say it needs to be updated as a matter of urgency. I wasn't sure if you have a carer in place or if the carer you refer to is your mum.
This is the Factsheet about the assessment -
http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/download.php?fileID=1812
Either way I think you need to phone the department and say that you feel your parents are at risk and need support. If there's a care package in place already then it needs to be reviewed.
I'm so sorry to read about your parents' situation. It must be even harder for you when you're trying to sort things out over the phone.
I wondered of your parents had gone though a Community Care Assessment. If not I would phone the Social Work Department and ask for one as a matter of urgency as your parents!are vulnerable and at risk. If they've already had one say it needs to be updated as a matter of urgency. I wasn't sure if you have a carer in place or if the carer you refer to is your mum.
This is the Factsheet about the assessment -
http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/download.php?fileID=1812
Either way I think you need to phone the department and say that you feel your parents are at risk and need support. If there's a care package in place already then it needs to be reviewed.
Hello siraysue and a warm welcome to Talking Point from me, too.
I agree with everything Izzy says. Something needs to be done urgently for your mum as she may have reached the end of her tether and be close to carer breakdown. Or she may have just had a really bad day and be venting to you, and be back to her normal self soon. But either way I think you should contact social services as Izzy says.
They should be able to give you an emergency out of hours contact number so that you have someone you can call on if this happens again.
It must be very difficult when you don't live close by. I'm lucky as I only live ten minutes away from my parents so can get there quickly. That doesn't mean that I know what to do when I get there, though!
I hope your mum is okay today, do let us know the outcome.
I agree with everything Izzy says. Something needs to be done urgently for your mum as she may have reached the end of her tether and be close to carer breakdown. Or she may have just had a really bad day and be venting to you, and be back to her normal self soon. But either way I think you should contact social services as Izzy says.
They should be able to give you an emergency out of hours contact number so that you have someone you can call on if this happens again.
It must be very difficult when you don't live close by. I'm lucky as I only live ten minutes away from my parents so can get there quickly. That doesn't mean that I know what to do when I get there, though!
I hope your mum is okay today, do let us know the outcome.
Look up your mum's local authority and there will be a phone number for the duty social worker. Phone them now and explain that you are concerned that your mum might do something serious as she can no longer cope. Yes, you can apply for an assessment then you're at the mercy of the waiting lists. In these circumstances the duty social worker is the one you need.
Fiona
Fiona
I had a rare situation where I was unable to get to mum personally but had a series of calls that really worried me. I called 999 and they arranged for an ambulance crew to do a safety and welfare check. So long as that service is not abused, they were happy enough to make sure she was OK for me on that occasion.
I would say that if your mum is threatening suicide a 999 call would be in order if it happens again. Hopefully she can get some longer term support from the sources already advised.
I would say that if your mum is threatening suicide a 999 call would be in order if it happens again. Hopefully she can get some longer term support from the sources already advised.
This is a terrible time for all of you, and yes, I have experienced something similar and am also a long way from my parents. My dad cares for my mum and at one stage i had to drop everything and take a week's compassionate leave (I have a lovely employer) to go and live with them and sort out respite and other support. I also took quite a lot of unpaid leave that year and visited once or twice a week to ensure everything got back on track. Which it did.
My husband took care of things at home while i was away.
My husband took care of things at home while i was away.
I forgot to say I feared for both my parents as dad didn't see a way through and was not prepared to be separated from mum. Terrible times.
This happened to my dad who was caring for my mum, I got the local mental health crisis team involved, . the gp surgery or local hospital should have the number. They should respond quickly and can access social services emergency team. The language you use is important when you contact services, say that your mum is a vulnerable adult and you are afraid for hers and dads safety.
Hope you get the right help soon
Regards
Hope you get the right help soon
Regards
Hello Siraysue, I'm in a similar situation as your mum, and there are days when it all feels too much, and I feel like a good rant. But I know too that it passes, and often I feel much more positive later on. I hope your mum feels better today.
Hi Siraysue
I am in exactly the same situation as you. I live 80 miles away from my Mum and stepdad and Mum is my stepdad's main carer and they are both disabled. My stepdad has lewy bodies dementia and has a lot of delusions and paranoia, all aimed at my poor mum. She is at the end of her tether and she often phones in a right state. She is angry, depressed, scared, heartbroken and exhausted. It is so hard to know what to say or how to help over the phone. I listen and calm her down and offer support. I have got all the mh and social services there are involved but at this stage it's too soon for my stepdad to go into a CH. he goes to day care and has had a few spells in respite. Social services have offered for him to go into short term care for about 6 weeks to give my mum a proper break but he won't go and she doesn't think he is bad enough to go as he is still quite highly functioning. It's like living in purgatory.
I just don't know what else to do. I am also finding it very stressful and its so hard when you put the phone down or drive away to deal with your own emotions and get on with your day. I feel guilty doing anything enjoyable when I know what an awful time they are having.
Feeling very desperate and hopeless.
I am sorry I have no answers for you Siraysue other than what I tell myself which is that we just have to get on with it. Which is no help whatsoever!
RaggedyAnne, I just hope that I help my mum get it off her chest like you say and then the day is a little easier for her.
X
I am in exactly the same situation as you. I live 80 miles away from my Mum and stepdad and Mum is my stepdad's main carer and they are both disabled. My stepdad has lewy bodies dementia and has a lot of delusions and paranoia, all aimed at my poor mum. She is at the end of her tether and she often phones in a right state. She is angry, depressed, scared, heartbroken and exhausted. It is so hard to know what to say or how to help over the phone. I listen and calm her down and offer support. I have got all the mh and social services there are involved but at this stage it's too soon for my stepdad to go into a CH. he goes to day care and has had a few spells in respite. Social services have offered for him to go into short term care for about 6 weeks to give my mum a proper break but he won't go and she doesn't think he is bad enough to go as he is still quite highly functioning. It's like living in purgatory.
I just don't know what else to do. I am also finding it very stressful and its so hard when you put the phone down or drive away to deal with your own emotions and get on with your day. I feel guilty doing anything enjoyable when I know what an awful time they are having.
Feeling very desperate and hopeless.
I am sorry I have no answers for you Siraysue other than what I tell myself which is that we just have to get on with it. Which is no help whatsoever!
RaggedyAnne, I just hope that I help my mum get it off her chest like you say and then the day is a little easier for her.
X
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