What to do next

Titfield

Registered User
Nov 21, 2013
4
0
Dear All.

Your help please. I will try and keep this short.

My partners Mother (70) has early on set Alzheimer's, mobility issues, incontinence and a heart condition. She has two daughters: one "S" (not my partner) lives 1 mile away and my partner "J" who lives 75 miles away. Both daughters work.

"Mum" lives in her own home. She is widowed.

"S" visits every morning and evening and checks she has eaten (food left for her), washed and dispenses her medication. Increasingly Mum needs to be encouraged to wash.
"Mum" goes to a day care centre Mon - Thu. She is at home on Fridays but has Meals On Wheels.
At weekends "Mum" stays at "S" house every other weekend. On the other weekend "J" and I go and stay at Mums.
"Mum" also stays at "S" house some nights of the week. This is because when she is in her own home she rings S 3 or 4 times during the night disturbing "S" and her partner.
Mum has now taken to getting up during the night and getting dressed then asking "S" when is it time to go the day care centre. This is causing real issues for S and her partner getting enough quality sleep.

We have spoken to the Local Authority and it seems because Mum has more than the savings threshold she would have to self fund.
Mum gets state pension and a small widows pension.
We have been turned down for attendance allowance but are reapplying.
We are waiting for the LA to do an assessment but as she would be self funding they do not seem to want to know.

"S" is now at her wits end exhausted by it all and can no longer cope. She needs a break from it but has candidly said if she had a break she might not be able to resume the going round twice a day etc.

I have got some prices for care from private providers but is seems to me that if you pay for sleep in care at nights you rapidly spend more than a nursing home would charge.

Please does anyone have any ideas or suggestions how to manage this / what to do next?

Thank you.

T
 

Delphie

Registered User
Dec 14, 2011
1,268
0
Hi :)

I think your biggest problem at the moment is the night activity and as you've already seen buying in help for that isn't cheap. To be honest, very little to do with care is.

My gut reaction is that residential care might be the best option for you all. Mum's illness is certainly having a massive impact on all your lives and it's debatable how much longer you can all carry on.

Respite might be worth trying, although it's worth listening to S saying she might not be able to face going back to caring after a break. But she might. She's obviously shattered and who knows how she'd feel after a week of 'normality'.

Also, if residential care for mum seems like a step too far right now and night time care too expensive, it might be worth paying for some daytime care, to give S more help. I can see why she and her family feel overwhelmed
 

Titfield

Registered User
Nov 21, 2013
4
0
Thanks for the reply.

Yes the residential care does seem a step too far at the moment so am investigating further the care options.

I think a further part of the problem is that S started doing so much for "Mum" after Mum was widowed that Mum has become very dependent on that level of contact and support.
 

Witzend

Registered User
Aug 29, 2007
4,283
0
SW London
To be honest I would start at least looking at care homes now. If you wait until S really, really can no longer cope, or some crisis occurs, it is sod"s law that the CH you like best will not have a room available.
Once things have got to the stage where the main carer is exhausted, at wits' end, etc. things are unlikely to get any better and will very likely get worse.

I do know what a monumental and very hard decision it is, though.
 

cragmaid

Registered User
Oct 18, 2010
7,936
0
North East England
By the way, ask your local Age UK or Citizens Advice or A. Soc for advice about filling in the Att. Allowance forms....remember they get filled in on a "worst Day/Night scenario":)
 

RobinH

Registered User
Apr 9, 2012
264
0
London
Sorry for your trouble. You don't mention what her GP is doing. I think an urgent appointment is needed. If she can be helped to sleep through the night it sounds like life would be a lot easier. I do agree that residential care seems urgently needed, so get the process started now - it could take months.
 

Titfield

Registered User
Nov 21, 2013
4
0
J looked after her Mum all weekend and it wasn't great.

Mum managed to break her glasses (by snapping off one of the arms) and unbelievably neither the arm nor the spare set of glasses can be found.

The opticians want to retest her eyes before they will provide a new set of glasses. That is now set for tomorrow. That's another 150 mile round trip :(

Worse still Mum now seems unable to wash herself etc properly.

Trying to arrange appointments with all concerned to more things forward but sadly going into care seems the way forward.

we plod on.

Thanks for the support

T
 

PeggySmith

Registered User
Apr 16, 2012
1,687
0
BANES
Hi Titfield, I know none of us wants to go down the f/t care route but it can be much better than you think. MIL went into a nursing home in March and she's happier than she was at home - much as I hate to admit it:)
 

starryuk

Registered User
Nov 8, 2012
1,323
0
Hi Titfield, I know none of us wants to go down the f/t care route but it can be much better than you think. MIL went into a nursing home in March and she's happier than she was at home - much as I hate to admit it

I second that. We have found the same:)
 

Staff online

Forum statistics

Threads
138,144
Messages
1,993,311
Members
89,798
Latest member
JL513