Chaos and mess

[Anongirl]

Upstairs in Mum's house seems to have descended into chaos. She appears to take her clothes off and just puts them in a mound in her spare bedroom, rarely things are hung up. There are odd shoes scattered around and tights and underwear randomly placed around. I can never tell what clothes need washing.

This is so out of character for her, she has always been a very neat person, everything in its place. Just another reminder of dementia taking over.

When I go round once a week I hang a few things up and wash what clearly needs washing but the next time I go its all back strewn around the bed and on chairs. I often wonder if by putting things away I am confusing her more. Perhaps just trawling through things on the bed makes sense in her mind?

Its starting to make me feel very stressed when I go round and it stresses her seeing me go through her things trying to sort it out for her.

Is it sometimes best just to leave things alone in these circumstances? I feel like I just can't let her slip like this!

Her neighbour came round to help her look for her keys last week and she went into the bedroom. In a past life mum would have been appalled to let a neighbour see her house like that

 

[Witzend]

Sounds a bit like my daughters' rooms when they were at home, to be honest! Used to wonder why we bothered providing wardrobes and drawers when they mostly used the floor.

I know it's frustrating and maddening, esp. if you're a naturally tidy person (I used to have to tell OH just to keep out of daughters' rooms if it was getting him worked up) and I know how upsetting it is to see someone who used to be so particular not apparently caring any more, but that's dementia for you. I never thought I'd see my smart and tidy mother wearing dirty old holey jumpers and refusing to shower or wash her hair, either.

I would try not to get too stressed about it if I were you. I don't think anyone has yet died of a bit of mess. If you can nip in and quickly tidy up the worst now and then without agitating her too much, I should think that's all you can really do.

 

[Anongirl]

Hi Witzend, that's exactly what it's like! I'm pretty sure that's what the room was like when I was a teenager there!

The mess just makes me bristle. Ironically I get my intolerance of mess from mum.

She does occasionally wear clothes with a stain on or have greasy hair and I find that hard. I know this will seem insignificant one day but, as you say, hard to watch. Mum always had her hair done and never went anywhere without make up on.

 

[Noorza]

Inhibitions are lost, and inhibitions that were once controlled are no longer controlled, not being clean, belching, passing wind, even spitting, these things that the person would never do without dementia in public, can become common place. It is distressing. Sadly first hand experience.

 

[little shettie]

This is very common and my mum went through the same thing though she does now hang some clothes up but alas they are dirty ones!! I wouldn't worry too much, just do your best, its a no win situation. I just scoop up anything lying around and wash it to be on the safe side!! xx

 

[garnuft]

Sounds a bit like my daughters' rooms

My first thought too but my son is 28 and lives in my old 3 bedroomed marital home....that's a lot of debris and you can pick up enough spare change with the hoover to pay the National debt.

My sister and I talk about this a lot....we are both tidy-ists...though she even has tidy drawers and cupboards.....mine are a jumble.
Mam never was, she has always worked, she wanted to, she needed to.
She has always hated housework, she can ignore mess and dust (middle sister is the same)...happy, disorder.
She never thought or worried about stuff like that.

But....she has me and my sister taking on her care.....my sister twitches if there is a crumb or drip mark....
I can resist the twitches.
I think what Witzend said about nobody died because of a bit of mess is very wise.

I have to rein my sister in, as her constant, obsessive cleaning would have driven my Mam crazy before and just exasperates her now.

Thing is, my sister can't sit when there is stuff to be done....

Physician, heal thyself.

 

[Anongirl]

Thank you Noorza and Little Shettie. You're right, it's a no win situation yet I keep trying to fight it. It's like if I stop trying I'm somehow letting her down.

Gwen, I'm afraid to say I'm much like your sister. I stress about the bits on her carpet, the dust on the telly, the crumbs on the table. I have been known to go round there and spend my entire visit buzzing around straightening the bed, hoovering and straightening all the half empty bottles in the bathroom. Trying to make sense of the mounds of clothes.

I'm going to get deep here but I'm wondering if it's a control thing. If I have control of her house I feel like, just for a short time, I have control of the situation. Then I walk away and feel sad again... because I know I don't have control of the situation at all.

 

[CollegeGirl]

Hi AG - this might be a complete non-starter, so apologies in advance!

Could you put a few of those coloured flexible tub-baskets in the spare room for mum to dump her clothes into? Maybe try labelling them with 'clean' and 'dirty'?

Don't laugh everyone, I'm just trying to help!

This sort of thing:

http://www.raygrahams.com/images/thumbs/0051637_700.jpg

I'm going to get deep here but I'm wondering if it's a control thing. If I have control of her house I feel like, just for a short time, I have control of the situation. Then I walk away and feel sad again... because I know I don't have control of the situation at all.

That's very insightful, and I have just realised that I'm guilty of the self same thing xx

 

[Anongirl]

Hi CG. Hope you're ok. Back to work tomorrow?

I have those for my children's toys, I try to have his and hers. They still put their toys on the floor and into each other's tubs. I can't control them either! Ha ha!

I have asked mum to put anything for washing in one basket in her room but it's like she can't distinguish that now. There are knickers and bras on hangers in the wardrobe and jumpers just strewn on the bed. It doesn't make sense to me but somehow must for her.

It needs a damn good clear out to be honest. Not sure either of us are up to the agitation of that though!

X

 

[garnuft]

I'm going to get deep here but I'm wondering if it's a control thing

Not control AG, just searching for the contentment that dotting the i's and crossing the t's brings to us all. The elusive Utopia. X

 

[CollegeGirl]

Oh well you have no chance then . The room would probably end up with things strewn all over the floor and with several empty baskets kicking around too!

Yes, back to work proper for me tomorrow, about time, too, eh?! My first day back and I have to take minutes of a student meeting! In at the deep end, I've forgotten how to switch the laptop on, and I'm having an apprentice work shadow me, too. My typing will be all over the place. Should be fun

 

[Anongirl]

Utopia Gwen. I like that x

Certainly in at the deep end CG! Might do you good though? You'll be shattered tmrw night! I remember going back after having a year off on maternity leave (did it twice). I didn't know what had hit me! Kind of good to get back to reality again though x

 

[Witzend]

She does occasionally wear clothes with a stain on or have greasy hair and I find that hard. I know this will seem insignificant one day but, as you say, hard to watch. Mum always had her hair done and never went anywhere without make up on.

Yes, it's very hard to witness. Even at 80 pre-Alz my mother would not wear what she considered frumpy, old-lady clothes. Roll on a few years and she would often look more like a bag lady, or have her nightie on as well as jumper and trousers. So sad.

And the first time I really knew there was something seriously wrong with my FIL was when I called to see him, and he hadn't just forgotten I was coming, he was unshaven and wearing a filthy jumper. Both unheard of before. Bloody horrible disease that it is.

 

[FifiMo]

This can be happening because your mum no longer recognises the clothes as being hers. Things get trailed out of the wardrobe as they are looking for something that they recognise or they are looking for an item of clothing that is no longer there, eg that brown suit with the mustard blouse that she wore when she was 20! You might find that the pile in the bedroom is discarded things that are 'not hers'.

Another thing that happens is too many clothes = too many choices and they just can't cope.

What you can do to help is sort her clothes into entire outfits for her. Put outfits for a week in the wardrobe including the underwear and pack her other things into another room so you can access them for the outfits for the following week. It is at this stage where the problem of not recognising clothes etc can be helped by having same colour of items like all black trousers, all black cardigan, different blouses, black socks, black pants, sort of thing. Some days in my mother's care home it was like a jumble sale and it took just one person to trigger it. We had bought my mother all new clothes do to extreme weight loss but she didn't recognise them. She would take a jumper over to her pal opposite and ask if it was hers. Then the pal comes over with her items that are not hers. The third pal however was the one who lifted everything she could, so she would gladly take the surplus clothes. On and on it went. In the meantime my mother was happy in her own green cardigan. 5 sizes too big for her, but it was hers. LOL

Fiona

 

[Anongirl]

You know FifiMo you might have something there. I've noticed confusion about clothes. "Wear that white jumper we bought yesterday mum", "what white jumper?", "in your wardrobe". Then I'll go round and she'll say she can't find it so I'll point it out and she'll say it's my jumper not hers!

She does tend to wear the same clothes, she has a red jumper and a pink jumper and she wears these regularly even though I buy her more.

On Sunday she was wearing a very old jacket of mine which she dug from God knows where even though she has her own.

I will think about your comments, I think there's an element of this creeping in. X

 

[desperado]

It is so reassuring to hear all of these comments because Mum has been doing this for years now and it has got worse in the past few months. I keep finding her clothes in my bedroom on my bed and when I ask her why she says "they aren't mine" they must belong to "those other people" somehow she's got it into her head that other people live in the house and that "they will come home soon and wonder what we're doing here." so the clothes must belong to them as well or me. I wouldn't mind but she is 94 and I am 59 so I don't think we would be wearing the same things ??? But there is no logic and quite frankly I have given up tidying because it only lasts for one day and when I get home from work it's like a tip again. I feel more relaxed about it now because I know that I'm not alone in this mad mad world !!!!

 

[elizabet]

When my mother moved into her care home I put a selection of her clothes in the wardrobe and drawers for her .Now, over 6 months later she still says all those clothes belong to someone else, yet they are all her jumpers and underwear.
Before she moved in she had neglected herself, all food stains down her clothes but now she is so much better with staff help, even washes her "smalls " and puts them to dry on the radiator !!!!!! did ask if this was o.k and apparently several of the residents also do this.
My FIL who has not dementia turned up to his Grand daughter's wedding wearing a really old pullover plus food stains down the front -my sister in law was horrified !

As for untidiness my 25 year old son, an army officer, regresses back to his teenage ways when back home on leave cannot see his bedroom floor for clothes strewn all over and mugs and plates disappear under the mess- just shut the door. just thankful to have him home especially as in all probability he is going out to Afghan early in the New Year .

 

[Rageddy Anne]

I tidy up the jumble sale mess too, but it's for me, not my husband. He used to be choosy about what colour clothes he wore, but lately he favours the comfy familiar things over the smart ones, and doesn't seem very aware of what he's putting on.

And that's just clothes....he often uses three or four towels and face cloths for his shower, and the washing machine has never been busier. I've found it helps to have a big pile of face cloths in a prominent place...it saves him using a clean towel every time he washes his hands...IF he washes his hands!

 

[suedecreme]

I tidy up the jumble sale mess too, but it's for me, not my husband. He used to be choosy about what colour clothes he wore, but lately he favours the comfy familiar things over the smart ones, and doesn't seem very aware of what he's putting on.

And that's just clothes....he often uses three or four towels and face cloths for his shower, and the washing machine has never been busier. I've found it helps to have a big pile of face cloths in a prominent place...it saves him using a clean towel every time he washes his hands...IF he washes his hands!

I have had all this with my mum - one time I came round to mums and it looked like her house had been burgled! Clothes strewn everywhere. Now I have moved in with her I have sorted out her wardrobe - I put outfits on one hanger and only a few outfits hung up so all she has to do is pick up a hanger and she has a full outfit (that coordinates) and that seems to work although they are not always put on in the correct order - blouse on top of jumper or knickers on top of trousers lol - super mum!!!!!


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[Anongirl]

Thankyou for sharing your experiences. It's always good to know how other people deal with things.

I suppose one of the things that worries me is the fact I'm not there for the majority of the time to help her. Though I have to admit sometimes I go round and she'll have a pretty top on and she will have even matched her accessories to it! She's always enjoyed clothes, it's something we both share a love of. We used to go shopping together and because we are the same size I often passed my clothes onto her!

I hate seeing her in bobbly jumpers or mismatched clothes or not being able to remember how many pairs of knickers she has put on.

Today I went round and put all her jumpers in a neat pile and all her jeans together neatly on the bed. I often think of you all when I'm thinking about how to deal with things! X

P.S Elizabet, when my brother used to live at home his bedroom was the same! Plates and cups hidden under mounds of clothes! We used to just shut the door! My mum occasionally ventured in there to make his bed, she's a braver woman than I am! I guess that's being a mum though eh? x