My 86 year old mother regularly masturbates in the lounge! It is really difficult for my partner and I to ignore and we are at a loss as to how to deal with it. Mum has vascular dementia and Alzheimer's and is clearly deteriorating - looking at the stages I would say she is close to the final stage - she has false memories, delusions, reduced mobility, increased care needs - she can no longer be left alone and caring for her is much more demanding. I can distract her from masturbating in the short term but as soon as the distraction is over she is back at it again. It is very off putting to hear and see your mother having an orgasm and she would be horrified pre Alzheimer's if she knew what she was doing. What do we do? Is this common?
Inappropriate behaviour - advise needed
- Thread starter mummychicken
- Start date
I am sure this is common and is not talked about enough.
I'll tell you an anecdote which illustrates the best way I have seen this dealt with. Years ago a young couple, friends of mine, were in a road accident which left him in a coma or semi-coma for years. I went to visit him with his girlfriend and he began to masturbate. She took hold of his hand and she held it gently until we left.
Maybe your mother needs more time alone in private? It could even be her way of telling you?
I'll tell you an anecdote which illustrates the best way I have seen this dealt with. Years ago a young couple, friends of mine, were in a road accident which left him in a coma or semi-coma for years. I went to visit him with his girlfriend and he began to masturbate. She took hold of his hand and she held it gently until we left.
Maybe your mother needs more time alone in private? It could even be her way of telling you?
Butter is absolutely correct about such things not being talked about enough, but 
it's totally understandable!
Because it's so important that sex is kept strictly separate and private between different generations living under the same roof, maybe we're just not wired to cope with quite this degree of disinhibition.
Don't know, but I predict my sanity turning to liquid and draining away in this situation unless privacy was established.
Suppose physical discomfort has been ruled out?
it's totally understandable!Because it's so important that sex is kept strictly separate and private between different generations living under the same roof, maybe we're just not wired to cope with quite this degree of disinhibition.
Don't know, but I predict my sanity turning to liquid and draining away
in this situation unless privacy was established.Suppose physical discomfort has been ruled out?
Oh my god....
I have thought much about tipping points in the past, but this one never featured on the radar - sorry but care home would be on the agenda for me at this point...
I have thought much about tipping points in the past, but this one never featured on the radar - sorry but care home would be on the agenda for me at this point...
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I think it is a difficult area to discuss and have been struck by how many views there have been but so few responses compared to other topics! My siblings are struggling to talk about it and are quite shocked and disgusted, but mum isn't mum any more. She is a frail, dependent old lady whose memory is shot to pieces and whose brain doesn't work as it should and would hate to know how she has become. She was a proud fastidious lady, very prim and proper and obsessively clean and tidy. Now she masturbates in public, would never wash if I wasn't here to do it, poohs on the floor sometimes and stands in it and spreads it every where when she tries to move. Where is the dignity in any of this? I do not want her in a care home - the time may come but if I'm honest I just hope she dies before that time comes. For now my partner and I will continue to live with her - my home is still waiting for me to go back to - most days we deal with things in good humour and understanding. This is not my mother and its not her fault.
You sound a lovely and compassionate daughter and are doing a wonderful job looking after your mum for as long as you can in her own home. Just wanted to share with you that this behaviour isn’t as uncommon as you'd think and shouldn’t be taboo; dementia often causes a complete loss of inhibition and as you say is in no way the person’s fault. My dad would often ‘touch himself’ quite openly at home and to be honest we just ignored him as he was doing no harm and it was in the privacy of his own home. However it did cause a few problems when he moved to a care home and sat in the communal areas. The home however were very sensitive and just moved him to a quiet lounge. He would sometimes stop if asked but would then forget and start again. However, seemed it was just a phase which has passed, although he’s very advanced now and his arms have become v poor. We dealt with bowel incontinence too and had numerous accidents at home and as you say one of the greatest sorrows of this illness is the total loss of any sort of dignity. Do hope you have enough support to care for your mum for as long as possible and also that others here might share similar experiences - I'm certain you're not on your own with this problem. Px
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Mummychicken I'm so sorry. You came here looking for support and understanding but clearly haven't found it. Nothing is more certain than your last sentence, nothing, and I applaud the great sensitivity and respect with which you care for your mother's physical and emotional wellbeing.
Wishing you continued strength,
Toni.
Hi Mummychicken
Personally I've no experience of this but when my husband was in a mental health unit there was a gentleman who used to openly masturbate. The staff were very sensitive and used to lead him away. My Husband occasionally used to unzip his trousers and try to urinate if we were walking along the street.As you and others have said there is no dignity in this illness.
Sorry I have no answers for you but you have my sympathy.
Take care
Lyn T
Personally I've no experience of this but when my husband was in a mental health unit there was a gentleman who used to openly masturbate. The staff were very sensitive and used to lead him away. My Husband occasionally used to unzip his trousers and try to urinate if we were walking along the street.
As you and others have said there is no dignity in this illness.Sorry I have no answers for you but you have my sympathy.
Take care
Lyn T
Hi Mummychicken You came on TP to ask others ideas or opinions on how you could cope better and some have come on to applaud what you are doing and the determination to keep your mum at home and do it all yourself. That is your decision and you find you are coping with all the things that can come with this illness. Some of us would love to have our parents kept at home receiving our care but that is not always possible. My mum does not masturbate, pooh herself, she feeds herself but will not wash, full of paranoia/spiteful accusations and hits, kicks, spits, punches, screams and shouts if you should so much disagree with her or try and persuade her to take her tablets. I like many on here have to go down the CARE HOME/NURSINGHOME route and cannnot do the care at home. You can be proud of yourself but some of us are left feeling this great guilt at no fault of our own and should feel proud that we did our best and unfortunately some people suffering from dementia are far harder to look after than others.
My 89 year old mother lives with me but we are lucky to have separate living areas and as someone who was so used to being on her own it is something that suits her.
Is it possible for you to have a couple of comfortable chairs (I find plastic garden chairs comfy) in another room so that when your mother is "having a moment" you and your partner can retire. It is funny how as adults we have so many inhibitions and yet when we are babies exploring down there is something quite natural - as the mind of dementia is supposed to return to our younger days perhaps this is just part of the cycle of life.
My husband and I don't watch TV in the evening with my mother due to the violent and sexual content of so many programmes which is definitely not mixed age group TV however to my amusement I went in to say goodnight last night and she was laughing at Mrs. Brown's boys!
You and your partner are doing a terrific job and just as you get used to this phase something will change and you will be challenged again in a different way. Best Wishes
Is it possible for you to have a couple of comfortable chairs (I find plastic garden chairs comfy) in another room so that when your mother is "having a moment" you and your partner can retire. It is funny how as adults we have so many inhibitions and yet when we are babies exploring down there is something quite natural - as the mind of dementia is supposed to return to our younger days perhaps this is just part of the cycle of life.
My husband and I don't watch TV in the evening with my mother due to the violent and sexual content of so many programmes which is definitely not mixed age group TV however to my amusement I went in to say goodnight last night and she was laughing at Mrs. Brown's boys!
You and your partner are doing a terrific job and just as you get used to this phase something will change and you will be challenged again in a different way. Best Wishes
I did not ask nor look for applause. I am choosing to do what I do for now and don't see it as something special but just something I am able to do at the moment. I am not "proud of myself", I don't even think about it in such a way. For now looking after my mother is just what I'm doing, just as I looked after my children. I have not, nor ever would criticise anyone who uses a care home and may at sometime take that option and I too will feel the same guilt but my partner and I also have a life to lead and at some stage will want our lives back. But for now, all I wanted was advise on my mothers masturbation!
I feel very sorry for you in dealing with this situation . Has your mom suddenly started this behaviour ? Is there some underlying illness?Is she more confused generally? Have you checked for UTI / Constipation anything that could make her feel more agitated and this is a way of her feeling more comforted? Does she feel insecure at all .
I am only asking these questions as I have a similar situation with my dad and he seems totally oblivious when he stands up with his penis out ... very disturbing for us but seems not to bother him at all. Easy for some people to suggest she goes in a home . Dad is in a home and they want him to leave because they cant cope with him. The sadness for me and him is my mom only died a month ago she also had Alzheimers and we think he is suffering a huge sense of loss and cannot verbalise his feelings as he cant remember why he feels so lost....like you say its such a loss of dignity and my dad would be mortified if he realised what he was doing.
I am only asking these questions as I have a similar situation with my dad and he seems totally oblivious when he stands up with his penis out ... very disturbing for us but seems not to bother him at all. Easy for some people to suggest she goes in a home . Dad is in a home and they want him to leave because they cant cope with him. The sadness for me and him is my mom only died a month ago she also had Alzheimers and we think he is suffering a huge sense of loss and cannot verbalise his feelings as he cant remember why he feels so lost....like you say its such a loss of dignity and my dad would be mortified if he realised what he was doing.
Thank you mummy chicken for bringing up a difficult subject. Having read the replies you so get a varied response some great and others not to be taken to heart.
What your mum is doing is a totally natural and normal thing. The only problem is her inhibitions are gone as far as that is concerned so she actually doesn't recognise that this is not acceptable behaviour here in the western world at this time and in your living room in front of you. Now for advice, I agree that it is difficult for you so after the distraction doesn't work you need to move away and give her the privacy that you would like her to have at such moments. At some point I believe that this behaviour will stop. I have no idea what it will be replaced with. As for stopping her..... Why? As long as she is safe and you can give her privacy and no children are about then there is no point. It will only end in an argument. I think it's time that the rule book was torn up.
As for a nursing home/care home, I really can't see why that would actually make any difference, except be more public and also possibly distress her more. I am talking about this particular problem and nothing else before any one goes for my throat about care homes!
Good luck. Hope you get lots more good advice x
What your mum is doing is a totally natural and normal thing. The only problem is her inhibitions are gone as far as that is concerned so she actually doesn't recognise that this is not acceptable behaviour here in the western world at this time and in your living room in front of you. Now for advice, I agree that it is difficult for you so after the distraction doesn't work you need to move away and give her the privacy that you would like her to have at such moments. At some point I believe that this behaviour will stop. I have no idea what it will be replaced with. As for stopping her..... Why? As long as she is safe and you can give her privacy and no children are about then there is no point. It will only end in an argument. I think it's time that the rule book was torn up.
As for a nursing home/care home, I really can't see why that would actually make any difference, except be more public and also possibly distress her more. I am talking about this particular problem and nothing else before any one goes for my throat about care homes!
Good luck. Hope you get lots more good advice x
My mum masturbates too sometimes - I just leave the room.
She is going blind - so it does make me smile ...... just a little.
She is going blind - so it does make me smile ...... just a little.
My mums carer who had this problem with a lady when she worked in a dementia care home said that they had to buy her a vibrator and took the batteries out because she was using them as we'll . When she wanted to masturbate she was always giving us signs and at that point we took her into her room and give her vibrator . It did work well and the vibrator was introduce because she was using harmful objects . However, understanding how your mum was sexually before her condition will help as we'll . As the Lady we were looking after was sexually active most her life and we made have enjoy the pleasure in safety environment . Due to her condition from time to time she will come out with the vibrator in her hands . It will take time but it definitely worth a try and introduce it to her gradually. It's important that when she starts masturbating to calmly lead her to her bedroom.
