Dealing with wanting to leave Care Home

[Ursuline]

I wonder if anyone can help. My mother is in a dementia Care Home, and has recently become more distressed as she wants to go home. She cannot understand why she is not allowed to leave alone as she thinks she works there and lives with her mother at home. This wish is becoming more persistent, and by the evening she can become aggressive. We have tried distraction, postponement etc, but nothing works and she is increasingly distressed. Can anyone offer advice? Has anyone had a similar experience? I would be grateful for any ideas. She has been in the home for 2 years. Thank you.

 

[littledorcas]

I wonder if anyone can help. My mother is in a dementia Care Home, and has recently become more distressed as she wants to go home. She cannot understand why she is not allowed to leave alone as she thinks she works there and lives with her mother at home. This wish is becoming more persistent, and by the evening she can become aggressive. We have tried distraction, postponement etc, but nothing works and she is increasingly distressed. Can anyone offer advice? Has anyone had a similar experience? I would be grateful for any ideas. She has been in the home for 2 years. Thank you.

Hi, Ursuline, I completely understand how you feel. My mom has been in a dementia Care Home since February this year. She also is always wanting to go home, she tells me she doesn't like it there, she doesn't like the other residents either. I am so sorry that I can't offer any advice cos I don't know how to handle this myself, just wanted to respond to your post. When mom keeps on and on I just have to come home and leave her to the staff. It breaks my heart, and I'm sure it does yours too, to know our mom's are so sad. My mom also tries to find my dad (he died in January) she can't understand why he has left her there!!!!! This is such a dreadful disease. Hope someone else has some helpful advice for you. Xxx

 

[susanh13]

Hi, mum mum went through a spell of this wanting to go back to mum. I use the SPEKLE approach in telling her some reason that is acceptable to her like yes you can soon but she has gone to visit xxxx for a while (whom is a relative that her mum would have gone to see like brother or aunt). You are entering back into their age and not being negative or hurting them by bring them into reality which will never happen.

Hope this helps. I agree this is a dreadful disease to watch taking over our mums. X

 

[PaddyJim]

I know exactly how you feel. I am so sorry for you. My mum has no comprehension of why she is in a CH, when we visit she threatens to kill herself if we don't take her out. This is a cruel disease, I am sorry I don't have a more positive solution. I find arranging visits before meal times helps me leave as the staff can distract her to let me leave without causing further distress.

 

[Witzend]

I am not surprised distraction didn't work. It never worked with my mother when she was constantly demanding to go home - I used to want to scream when people suggested it, as if I was too thick to think of anything so simple.

What worked for me was becoming as inventive as possible in the fib department, absolutely anything I thought might keep her happy for the moment. Could you say e.g. your grandma has had to go away for a while (to see someone your mum would remember) ,but she knows your mum is there, it's ok and she'll see her soon? This sort of thing can sound very wrong at first, and some people can't bring themselves to do it, but if someone's short term memory is already very bad then they are not going to remember anything you say anyway. My mother never once remembered that I'd said much the same before.

Later she often asked to go and see her parents - I had to invent a whole new set of fibs for that - I'd give them a ring later and see when they'd like us to go, we wouldn't want to go and find them out, we'd go tomorrow, the roads were horribly busy today, my car was being serviced today, you name it.

I do hope you find a way to reassure and comfort your mum-I know how awful it is to see someone in such a state about something nobody on earth can give them.

 

[Jaycee23]

I am becoming a great liar! Today my mum had stuffed all the things she had stolen? (stuffed toys, broken ornaments and scarves) from where ever and put them in a pillow case and asked me to take them home when I leave. I told her that I am searched when I leave to make sure I cannot take anything out of the building that does not belong to me. She seems to accept that.