Problem with befriender

[artyfarty]

Hi all. My mum has a befriender/sitter from the Crossroads organisation who comes for two hours a week. At the initial meeting I was told that (within reason) my mum could ask the carer to do anything she fancied activity wise. Things like taking her shopping/helping with housework or doing a puzzle together were suggested. I was also told that the carer would leave a folder in the house where she would detail what they had done that week.

The carer has been coming for about a month (once a week) and no folder has appeared. She comes when I am at work so I don't ever see her but I did meet her at the first visit and thought she seemed very nice but a bit clueless - I left her and my mum alone for half an hour and when I returned to the room they were sitting in silence. I suggested a puzzle and then she did seem to get stuck in.

Since then though my mum has complained that all they do is walk to the shop (she's convinced the carer did her own weekly shop while they were there last week but I'm not sure about that) - what I want to know is, should the carer be capable of suggesting things for them to do? I somehow expected her to be more proactive but as my mum is not interested in doing housework (I wish), they seem to spend the two hours sitting around not doing very much.

At the moment the service is free and I feel a bit like I can't ring the office and complain but my mum is going off the idea rapidly which is a shame because there ain't much in this life that is free. I feel a bit disappointed with it all - mum can't think up activities herself and when I suggested a couple on that first visit (one was to help mum organise her old family photos - she loves looking at them) the carer gave me a look that said 'god, please no' so I shut up pretty rapidly.

I know a lot of people have experience of Crossroads - what has been your experience? Am I being naive in expecting more?

(Btw sorry for the rambling post - can't seem to express myself this morning!!)

 

[meme]

I would ask for a different befriender.....this one seems mis matched to put it politely!!

 

[Izzy]

Surely she should be taking the initiative. Can you speak to a manager or something?

 

[Tigers15]

I think Crossroads would want to know that this befriender isn't really working out. I am an experienced voluntary organisation worker and I know that feedback is valued: good feedback for that feel good factor and to know we have got it right, poor feedback so that we know where we need to make improvements. It maybe that this particular befriender is out of her depth and needs training or more training and she too is unhappy with her role. Whether she is a volunteer or paid she too needs job satisfaction

You wouldn't have to mention the word complaint - just say you are a bit concerned, etc. etc.

I hope your mum is assigned a more pro active befriender and that this 2 hours a week becomes a valuable & enjoyable time for your mum.

 

[Varandas]

Rambling post? Where? When?
This is Talking Point and I suppose that's where we can say (write) what's happening.

I'd suggest that if you have friends around, or your Mom's friends to visit intentionally at the time of the carer's visit and check it out suggesting activities and leaving for a wee while and coming back again.
It is not easy, but necessary!
Go out together and check 'how' the Carer is observing and attending to your Mom's necessities and requirements. Leave a short list of little jobs to be done with your mother's co-operation such as tidying up a wardrobe, drawers anything that will involve your mother's input and saying.
That is her home, her house, her 'things'. It is important even tiring, but important to remember the everyday life before AD.
A folder, with a name, signature, time in/time out and activities if vital. Request it again.
Don't leave it till too late.
Routine is essential for peace of mind. It is important that your mother feels comfortable and 'safe' with the Carer.
...still you could always ask for another befriend/sitter.

All the best

 

[Acco]

We have experienced befrienders/sitters from a few agencies who are not proactive and wait for instruction - that is not what we expect or want. Very recently a new sitter took over from our current one and immediately took charge, told me to get off out and do what I wanted. She spoke positively to my wife, danced with her, made a cup of tea for themselves, and did a great job overall. I was so pleased with her approach and actions, fealt refreshed myself, so 'phoned their office merely to say thankyou. The same sitter has been ever since. So, it is worth telephoning the office to make the
aware of your experience with your sitter.

 

[Spamar]

Ours is respite for me - the carer will help me - which is usually to take OH out for a walk and coffee and cake. If the weather is bad, she will suggest something inside - I came back one day to find OH teaching her chess. She has also taken me to gp when it couldn't drive. They should be able to instigate activity and keep a person 'entertained' the whole time.
A record of activity should also be kept and OHs is now an interesting record of his decline.
Generally Carers like this are invaluable and if your carer is not up to the mark,get her changed pronto.

 

[artyfarty]

Hi all - thanks so much for your responses. Would have replied sooner but the iPad cable went walkabout and I couldn't get online.

I am relieved to hear that I wasn't expecting too much from the carer. I was see sawing between thinking that we should take what was being offered, even if it was a bit **** and thinking that things should really be better.

Going to ring the office tomorrow and have a chat and see what can be done to improve things. Fingers crossed they can offer someone else as I don't think things are really working out with the current carer at all.

 

[zeeeb]

I would just suggest that your mum doesn't seem to particularly gel with that particular befriender and that you'd be interested to try a different one to see if she has a different reaction.

 

[1954]

The volunteer who comes every other Monday for 8 hours is marvellous. She has shown MIL how to do origami, takes her to a café for bacon sandwich or the pub with my permission. When I get home I am told to keep away (very politely I have to say) and I hear them chatting away and laughing. They have the TV on but then I said that is what MIL likes and they are laughing and talking constantly

MIL seems to love it

 

[Helen33]

I am a bit late coming to your thread. I used Crossroads when I was caring for my late husband Alan. I was led to understand there is a difference between befrienders, carers and sitters. Befrienders seemed few and far between and one was fortunate to be allocated one at all. I wouldn't have thought it was easy to swap befrienders if there are so few of them and the demand is high. I was led to believe that sitters were to be more proactive and were in fact employed rather than volunteers.

I hope you get this sorted as it is important that your mum has a positive experience.

Love

 

[Haylett]

I am a bit late coming to your thread. I used Crossroads when I was caring for my late husband Alan. I was led to understand there is a difference between befrienders, carers and sitters. Befrienders seemed few and far between and one was fortunate to be allocated one at all. I wouldn't have thought it was easy to swap befrienders if there are so few of them and the demand is high. I was led to believe that sitters were to be more proactive and were in fact employed rather than volunteers.

I hope you get this sorted as it is important that your mum has a positive experience.

Love

That's interesting - I didn't know that, Helen. We have been so lucky with Crossroads - they've been fantastic, with the quality of carers, and the continuity. But they are trained carers and not befrienders, so I wonder if that's the difference. I still think Crossroads might like to know though and if they don't do anything to help steer your Mum's befriender - photos is a very easy option for her, especially if your Mum really enjoys it - perhaps you'll have to do that list of "Things Mum would love to do"... to kickstart it. It would be a pity for your Mum to miss out because the befriender's a bit clueless.

 

[Varandas]

The volunteer who comes every other Monday for 8 hours is marvellous. She has shown MIL how to do origami, takes her to a café for bacon sandwich or the pub with my permission. When I get home I am told to keep away (very politely I have to say) and I hear them chatting away and laughing. They have the TV on but then I said that is what MIL likes and they are laughing and talking constantly

MIL seems to love it
1954 x

what a lovely post!
You, your MIL and we all deserve a helper like this one.

 

[Contrary Mary]

Mum needed to have a sitter when I went out, and it was purely a precaution for Mum's safety. So the sitter just,erm, sat. Nevertheless we still had a care plan. Perhaps the "carer" is not aware of what is expected?

 

[artyfarty]

Helen - interested to know that there is a difference between carers, sitters and befrienders etc. I didn't know that either.

Have spoken to the office today and I am going to provide a list of things my mum might like to do for them to choose from. They are going to make sure the folder detailing their activities is kept in the house and we will see how it goes for a few weeks. If things don't improve they will find somebody else to come instead.

 

[Noorza]

Mum has a crossroads care befriender and it's working really well, but I do think a befriender should actually have a personality. I don't think you are wrong to ask for a change, it doesn't sound as if it will ever work out with this one. Mum's befriender sits and holds her hand, compliments her, and takes her whereever she wants to go, normally charity shops and garden centres which both genuinely enjoy.

 

[truth24]

Hi there

We use Crossroads (pay for them) and have always found them excellent. My husband has had two sitters - one male and a lady who stood in when he was off sick. Both are good - play dominoes (have large set), wander around garden and even do some weeding, generally talk and laugh all the time even though what my husband says doesn't make too much sense. I sometimes stay at home when the sitter is here to do some computer work, etc, and can hear them chatting and laughing away. Perhaps we are lucky but you should certainly talk to the coordinator and find out if there is someone else available if you are not happy with the service you are getting - even if you are not paying for it the carer should be fully trained and our local Crossroads pride themselves on their service - folder was prepared before service started, the sitter completes the worksheet every week saying what they have done and I sign his timesheet to confirm all is well.

Hope you find some satisfaction.