How much quality time have I got left with Dad?

Severine

Registered User
Jan 8, 2013
10
0
My Dad of 85 has Alzheimers (diagnosed early this yr) but had been having memory problems for about 5 years or more. He has recently struggled to recall my sister-in-law's name (she's been married to my brother for more than 25 yrs) and recognise his grandson of 23 yrs. His short-term memory is very bad - conversations repetitive etc but he is 'still himself' and knows he has a problem. He always knows my voice the minute he picks up the phone (I am his youngest child born when he was 39). I know we face a very difficult and upsetting future and I know that cases vary from individual to individual but one of the things I would most like to know is how long do we have (ballpark) left while he still recognises me. I know I will be heartbroken the day he doesn't and I know many people on this forum have had to experience that. I live 140 mile round trip from my Dad and work full-time etc but I don't want to look back and find I didn't realise how quickly he would deteriorate and regret not having spent more time with him or made more fuss of things like his birthday etc while he could still appreciate it. I am left wondering do we have 6 months, 1 year, 2 years ...

Sev.
 

BeckyJan

Registered User
Nov 28, 2005
18,971
0
Derbyshire
Hello,
I am sorry you are going through this but honestly I do not think anyone can give you an answer.

My husband suffered for at least 12 years and even during the later stage he knew me most of the time. OK there were times when he confused our daughter and me or whether I was his mother of wife, but most of the time he knew me by name and remembered to say he loved me. This was when he was bedridden, unable to speak clearly or eat or drink without aid.

Dementia varies from sufferer to sufferer and whilst one may forget loved ones early others never forget.

I suggest you visit as often as you can, celebrate as much as you can, constantly tell him how much you love him, etc etc. Then if he forgets your name or your relationship he will know that you care about him; what is more important than that?

I hope you find the Forum helpful. Take care and keep in touch.
 

betsie

Registered User
Jun 11, 2012
252
0
My dad has had problems for at least 10 yrs he is 87 now, he went into a home this summer due to my mum being unwell. He has no memory at all.
I have never asked him outright if he knows who I am but I know that he would not recall my name or that I am his daughter. He does however know my voice, look up when I call dad and recognise me as someone he knows and loves (ditto this for my mum).
Yes, I have shed many tears and if I think about it too much I would be constantly crying. All I can say is he is still my dad who I love very much and everytime I visit I always see a bit of the old him somewhere in there.

I showed him some pictures of family last week, including mum and himself and he didnt recognise anyone.

Try not to think into the future, none of us knows whats round the corner. All you can do is to visit as often as you can and enjoy the time you spend together.
 

stanleypj

Registered User
Dec 8, 2011
10,712
0
North West
Hi Severine,

I would echo what the others have said.

I'd also point out that it is not inevitable that your dad will cease to recognise you.

In any case, all we can do is to try and concentrate on living in the present and trying to appreciate whatever positives we can find. You clearly are aware of some, as you've shown in your post.

Take care
 

marsaday

Registered User
Mar 2, 2012
541
0
I agree it's very variable. I'd say your dad is where my Mum was about 2 years ago and she still knows her close family, even nieces she rarely sees. Only once has she not got my name wrong and that she knew she had said the wrong name then she just couldn't 'find' the right one.

On the other hand FIL - over 10 years since diagnosis - has never been great with recognition and hasn't known his children's names for years though there may be some sort of recognition that they are someone close. Hard to tell at times.
 
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Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
74,002
0
72
Dundee
I know it's a much used saying but everyone is different. My husband (83) was diagnosed 12 years ago. It has only been in the last year or two that he has really shown a decline. I know from others on this site that they have not been so lucky. Just make the best of every day given you and your dad. x
 

FifiMo

Registered User
Feb 10, 2010
4,703
0
Wiltshire
Whilst no one can determine when our time will be up, there are things you can do to hopefully stop your worst fear from materialising and you not being recognised...

The ones who are recognised the most are the ones who have constant and repeated contact. There might be a time when he can't remember a name, but that does not mean that he doesn't recognise you as someone important to him. If his memory has regressed and he is back, in his mind, where he is, say, living with mum and dad, then trying to convince him that this young man is his grandson is confusing, especially when he doesn't have a wife or children yet! What can help though is using the word dad or grandad regularly when talking to him. He may not remember the family tree but he will know this is someone important to him.

In your case the phone calls are good but you can add in little notes, postcards, cards. Remember that if his memory has regressed then postal services were the main form of communication in the past. Send him a couple of photos of a recent outing. Postcard of where you have been. Also gives him something tangible to look at and read again and again, and if course helps to keep your name fresh in his memory too. My own view about visits would be to do them now. As time goes by, you can find that visiting disrupts what is familiar to them and they the get even more confused, particularly after you leave and they don't know where everyone has gone and why they are on their own again. My mother, for example, loved her grand kids to bits but it was clear that visits were becoming stressful for her. Mugs were missing, she thought stolen, but they had been used and in the dishwasher. Things lying around worried her because they were not recognisable. We eventually got to the stage when we were visiting that we stayed in a hotel. Kept her place 'normal' and tried to disrupt her routine and surroundings as little as possible.

A lot of this is trial and error on your part and flexibility to stop and try something else if things don't work.

Fiona
 

Severine

Registered User
Jan 8, 2013
10
0
Thanks everyone

Very moved by the kind and helpful advice and thoughts of you all on this forum. Having a quick little cry. Will pull myself together before giving dad his usual Sunday morning phone call as I always try to be upbeat and cheerful when interacting with him

Sev xx