Had to put mum in a CH, she has broken her hip and not likely to live. How to cope?

[Anastasia2468]

I cared for my mum who has AZ for 3 years and the last few months things became harder and harder. She had delirium and it was awful. I had to give in after trying my hardest not to put her in a CH but I finally had to do this a few weeks ago.
She had a fall on Wednesday and broke her hip and now also has a chest infection.
She is so frail and weak I can't see how she can fight this as she has other conditions too. The doctor says it can go either way but it sounded like she doesn't think she will make it.
I keep thinking that if I had just kept her here it might not have happened.
The thing is it was getting to a point where I had to put myself first.
My head knows I did what I had to do but my heart tries to tell me different.
I am almost certain my mum won't recover from this as she is 92 and very weak.
I think, in time, I will forgive myself but it is all very raw at the moment. I feel almost like my mum is MY child and I just want to take her away from there and protect her.
I just can't bring myself to go in to see her, I know it will make my feelings of guilt much worse and will upset me terribly. (I suffer from depression) I already feel as though I am grieving. My daughter and my brother have been in to see her and were shocked at how bad she is. She can't eat or drink so her lips have dried up and look 'scabby'. She has an oxygen tube up her nose which she keeps trying to pull out and she did pull out the tube which was put in to feed her intravenously. She also has fibrosis of the lungs and so has difficulty breathing. She drifts in and out of consciousness and didn't recognise my daughter or even my brother, he had to tell her who he was. (She often didn't realise I was her daughter when she was with me and thought I was just a carer and that she was in a care home)
I just don't know what to do, I feel guilty if I don't go in to see her but I KNOW it will totally freak me out and possibly tip me over the edge. If I go in she prob won't know me and will forget I'd been there.
Has anyone else had anything like this happen to them?
Sorry it's such a long post but it's a huge dilemma.

 

[nita]

I am so sorry to hear of your predicament and can imagine how you feel. Try not to feel guilty about her going into care - I can understand that you couldn't look after her when she was delirious and you felt she was best looked after by people who know how to deal with it. She could have fallen at home if she was getting to the stage where she had difficulty standing and then you would have felt even more guilty.

I would feel like you - I wouldn't want to see my Mum in that state and wouldn't know whether to visit or not. If she is not fully conscious and not recognising other family members, I am not certain whether there would be any benefit to her for you to go too. Only go if you really feel up to it; you won't help yourself or her if it distresses you too much. Can you just phone the care home to ask how she is or perhaps even that is too upsetting for you?

Sorry I don't have personal experience - someone will reply who has been in this situation and reassure you. Please try to get some rest and not worry. I know what it is like to suffer from depression and anxiety and I have never experienced so much stress as I have since my mother became ill over the past three years. It certainly can make you feel you will tip over the edge, and you don't want that to happen. Your mother's illness will take its course one way or the other, whatever you do, so try not to worry - easy to say, I know.

 

[MeganCat]

You identified that your mum needed a care home setting as she needed more care then you could manage. That's not a selfish thing to do. It's hard to make that decision. You do not appear to have made it lightly.
She might not have had a fall at home but she also equally might have - you can't take on the guilt of her fall - you are in no way responsible for that.
I guess you have to think about what will upset you most in the long term and do what is best for you
- going in and seeing her and dealing with that or
- not going in (it appears that guilt is part of your personality) would this trouble you more in the long term if the worst happened?

I hope you find the right answer for you, I do think you are being very harsh on yourself feeling guilty for the fall - you sound like you have put your mum first in your (difficult) decisions - even when that's recognising that she needs more support than you can give

I haven't been in that position so can't offer advice from a perspective of experience only as a fellow guilt sufferer

 

[MERENAME]

Sitting with my Dad through the last few weeks was the hardest thing I've ever done and there are times when you just can't do it. Sometimes it's best not to go. When I just couldn't take any more I went and prayed instead. I recommend that even if you just see it as a meditative practise.

 

[Witzend]

I am so sorry, this is so very hard for you. Please, please try not to feel so bad about the fall or having put her into the nursing home. With the best will in the world nobody can watch anyone every second - falls can and do happen when your back is turned so briefly whether at home or not. I am sure your mum - I mean the person she was before - would know you have tried your very best and would not want you to be so distressed.

 

[Jessbow]

Its one of those situations...had you kept her home and she'd fallen you'd have beaten yourself up thinking she should have gone into care, then she'd not have fallen.

Its happened- its how we deal with the here and now that matters, we cant change where we are.

I'd be inclined myself to visit, but only for very short periods, 15 mins even. If you have beenher primary carer for 3 years, irrespective of her ability to vocalise it, I guess she'll be missing your face

 

[meme]

you can only do your best...I would go to see your Mum especially if she is possibly near the end....it is about you being there beside her, if and when you can, not about guilt at all..x

 

[copsham]

Wow what a hard time for you. You have done so much for your mum. She has been with you until the ripe old age of 92! She might be in her own world now, might be peaceful, might be not with it. You may be more worried about where she is that she is! For your sake can you visit for a very short time, just sit and hold her hand, sending her your warm love, stroke her hair tell her you love her, then come away and cossett yourself, do something kind for yourself. So so hard this process of life!

Warm thoughts X
Karen

 

[Anastasia2468]

Thanks to everyone for your kind words and support.
I do realise the fall could have happened at home but you can't help thinking 'what if?'. It mainly makes me feel angry that after all I did to care for her, when I finally succumb and put myself first, this awful thing happens. Yes I do tend to suffer from 'guilt' but I have woken this morning thinking that even if she makes it through this, it won't be long before she is back in hospital as due to her age and state of health all she can look forward to is much of the same. My brother came out of the hospital yesterday thinking that she will not make it through this, although she is very tough and has a very strong will. I wish the doctors would just 'come clean' and tell us what her prognosis is. If they believe she will die then I would rather they just make her as comfortable as possible and just let nature take it's course. I don't understand why they prolong the agony, of course they have taken the Hippocratic Oath and it is their job to save life where possible but at what cost? I am going to talk to her GP who has been fantastically supportive and ask what she thinks. I forgot to mention I also care for my MIL, who still lives with us, although she had a stroke last week and is in the same hospital. She has the same GP as mum so I have had a lot of contact with her. I know that all my family will agree that it would be better for mum to go now and not have to live with all the suffering that will surely follow. I also know that if she was able to make the decision for herself, she would not want to live like that. I have a lot of soul searching to do but I want to do what is best for my mum and condemning her to the remainder of her life in pain and suffering is surely not the best. No-one warns you that being a carer for one with AZ means not only looking after their physical well being, but ties you more emotionally as you effectively have to decide whether they live or die. In effect you become the parent. Sorry but it does feel good to get my thoughts out. Thanks again to all and I will let you know the outcome. xxx

 

[Bumble B]

This is such a difficult situation. If you see her and she's distressed,so will you be - but what if you don't go to see her ?
I'm a firm believer that it's not the things you do that you regret,but the things you don't.
Maybe go to see her,telling yourself that this will be the only visit. That will stop any future thoughts of," I really should have visited her in hospital - I wish I had .... "
Whatever you decide,be kind to yourself. You've done your best for your Mum,whatever happens.
With wishes for healing for your mother and peace of mind for you,
Anne

( Sorry,posted this before reading your post.
My goodness,you have a lot on your shoulders,it must be overwhelming at times.
Yes,nobody wants their loved one to go on when their quality of life's no longer good. It's a horrible time.
Look after yourself,try to rest and relax while the two ladies are in hospital,you deserve it ).

 

[Whiskas]

I have been in something of a similar situation and can relate to much of what you are saying.
My patents came to live with me. They both had dementia but nobody knew. Dad died after 4 years with me. By then I had given up work to cope with caring for mum and my own depression. Three years down the line I was at breaking point and mum went into a care home for respite so I could decide what was best. On the second day she fell & broke her arm. She was in hospital for 2 nights then back to the care home where they couldn't/didn't mobilise her so she got a DVT in her leg and was back in hospital.
I decided I couldn't carry on and spent the next couple of months battling for CHC funding & trying to find a home that would take her & the massive guilt that I'd let her down.
I visited but felt I wasn't doing enough but didn't know what else I could do.
At one visit a nurse told me Mum had only got another day or so to live which hit hard. My son daughter & I spent most of the next 4 days by her side. She didn't appear to know I was there but I knew and I hope she did too in someway. Being able to say goodbye helped me.
We are all different and what worked for me may not work for you. Do what feels right for you. I'd say don't feel guilty but that's probably not an option by the sound of it. Look after yourself.

 

[susy]

What a difficult time for you. I am sat here wondering if you already have it in your mind how your mum looks and you are painting it as bad as you can get it. If you go and see her, only for a short time, it probably will reassure you. Yes she is not going to be sitting up in bed with a bright smile, sipping a cup of tea, she is very poorly. I think you need to see her. I think if you don't it will be something that eats you up for years to come.
I feel I have been harsh but I want to put my point across to help you. I dont want you to suffer any more either.
I hope the chat with the GP helps too.

Absolute best wishes xx

 

[Anastasia2468]

Thank you for your reply, it does help to hear from someone who really 'understands' and has had the same experience. If mum is going to die, then I am sure I will find the strength to be with her. The nurse told me this morning she is getting agitated and keeps saying my name. That doesn't necessarily mean she will know me if I go in as when she was here she more and more thought I was a carer with the same name as her daughter and not actually her daughter.
I don't want to put myself through this emotional trauma if she is likely to come out of this as I may still have to care for my MIL when she comes out of hospital and I also have my granddaughter to care for two days a week.
I cannot afford to 'go down' as I have so many other responsibilities.
I am hoping the talk with my GP will help as we did discuss the matter of resuscitation if either my mum or MIL stopped breathing and we had to call the ambulance. I decided that if that happened I would not want either of them to be resuscitated as it is massively traumatic and doesn't often work in such elderly people with the medical problems they have.
Thanks again, will update when I have any news. xxx

 

[Tigers15]

I agree with the comment that it is 'what we haven't done' that can live with us forever - my advise is that you visit your mum, sit with her and hold her hand (if she'll let you). Of course when you visit this will give the chance to speak to the staff about her condition and the options available; check that they are doing everything possible to make your mum comfortable and free from pain. Currently you are receiving all information second hand.

You have nothing to feel guilty about - you have done your best and then-some. Falls cannot be foreseen, they just happen and they can happen anywhere.

Please stop focusing on what could have been, this will change nothing. I too suffer from depression and know how hard this can make life and making decisions, but in the end the best way to deal with depression is to tell it off. Tell yourself that you will visit your mother and stop fretting about what was, what might be, what could be - go find out. Personally I have found the best way to deal with depression is to not let it take over (easier said than done). Please, please visit your mum.

My prayers are with you, your mum and family x

 

[kingmidas1962]

Oh Anastasia I'm so sorry to hear about your mum, and how bad you feel about it. You've no need, but me telling you that probably isn't going to help.

On a very practical level I would suggest thats you ask the doctor very directly what the prognosis is. Sometimes medical staff are a bit woolly because they are protecting relatives from bad news.

Secondly and also practically if anyone is visiting her and she is particularly peaceful could you make it in to see her at short notice?

I wish you strength in dealing with this - you will find a way x

 

[Saffie]

I agree with the comment that it is 'what we haven't done' that can live with us forever - my advise is that you visit your mum, sit with her and hold her hand (if she'll let you)

You have cared for your mother so well and for so long and you obviously love her very much. The only thing you can do for her now is to give her the comfort of a friendly voice and a gentle touch, whether she knows they are your's or not. We can not always be aware of what is going on in another's mind. If she does recover, you will know that next time you will be able to do it again and if your fears are fulfilled and she doesn't recover, you will know that you made her leaving as peaceful and calm as it can be. That would help me enormously if I were in your shoes and I think that, even though upsetting at the time, it would help you too.
My wonderful mother died in my sister's home during the night, most probably in her sleep and I have always regretted not being able to say goodbye to her or give her comfort at the end.

 

[Anastasia2468]

Thanks to all for all the help and support you have given. I have decided to go and see mum with my brother today xxx

 

[kingmidas1962]

Let us know how you get on xxx

 

[Tigers15]

How did you get on?

 

[dottyd]

Just gone through this with my aunt, Lthough she broke her hip 6 months ago

She's had a real bad time of it since then.

she passed away recently. I'm glad she out of this awful life she had to live