I've learned and explained to my father that when mum is having an episode not to try and reason or argue with her but to distract her which has worked up till now. Now she is delusional all the time and has become belligerent. She won't accept that she cant walk (she can just weight bear) and is in dreadful pain because of a non-successful hip operation. She has a benign tumor in her pituitary which has been well monitored but osteoporosis has been her Waterloo. My parents live 40 miles away which could be worse. I normally stay at least one night a week with them when I take down enough home cooked meals for four nights and clean, etc. Sitting here feeling really terrible as I've some sort of virus and don't wont to drive. Over the phone I cant dissuade her that she doesn't have appointments, meetings today and that dad was too tired to drive here about - that's what he's going to do as she will just not leave him alone. She has become so single-minded and it is exhausting. My husband doesn't drive because he has complications with type 1 diabetes and I have no siblings (not that would make any difference to mum's mental state as she is so intent on getting out to these meetings). Its not the physical work attached to helping my parents it's this awful mental state and seeing what it is doing to my dear kind, patient and tolerant father. Sorry for diatribe. None of us live have lived 'normally' for several years because of this vile illness. This morning I am truly down about it.
86-year-old father exhausted with mum's demands and behaviour
- Thread starter Katee
- Start date
Hi Katee, I am so sorry for you and your Dad, that was us this time last year, Mum is now in a carehome permanently because Dad in his 80's could no longer cope with her. You dont say if you have any help with carers coming in, my Dad did have that, but it did not really help him as he needed help 24hrs a day really. I am sorry to say it, but it sounds like your poor Dad has reached that point too. At the very least respite care is needed, do you have a Social Worker involved? If so I would be contacting them, you could even call the emergency contact number today and say you are unable to as you are unwell, but are worried about your Dad as he is heading for carer breakdown. They should be able to send someone out to assess the situation. Sending you hugs xx
Ange
Ange
Could your dad not make some imaginary phone calls and in a loud voice ask if your mum has any meetings or appointments today? Then he can tell her no, because it is Sunday and they are closed or something like that.
Either that or he could disconnect the car battery so it won't start.
It might also be worth having a word with her GP as unmanaged pain can cause havoc with dementia and this alone could be the cause of her agitation.
Fiona
Either that or he could disconnect the car battery so it won't start.
It might also be worth having a word with her GP as unmanaged pain can cause havoc with dementia and this alone could be the cause of her agitation.
Fiona
Thank you very much. Mum was awarded four care visits a day but parents have whittled that down to one visiting in the morning as she was often asleep when they came. Dad due for cataract op soon so respite care organised because it coincides with my husband's op. This might be another battle to get mum there as she is resisting everything (carehome has very good reputation but mum so self-absorbed. I'm hoping to see a social worker soon. Have offered my parents to live here (would convert my garage) but they don't want that but something is going to give. Tring to get one day a week day care as they see no one except my husband, son, carer and me. Mum resisting going. So grateful. Katee
Fiona, I will indeed ask her GP about pain relief but everything seems to have been tried (she's allergic to morphine). But if this is affecting her behaviour and condition I must try and find something because she is becoming unmanageable. Wonderful idea about car battery. Thank you very much indeed. Katee
Hello Katee - I do really feel for you as I have seen this in reverse - dad with dementia and mum heading for breakdown which did actually happen in the end ... definitely get in touch with Social Services again, use the emergency number if you have to. Dad is careering towards carer breakdown - mum is vulnerable because of her reliance on him. If he can't cope then she is without her prime carer.
From experience I would say that respite is a necessity. SS should be able to advise you. Make sure you tell them how bad things are, at their worst - as if there is a whiff of mum and dad being able to manage social services will let them.
Would it be possible to get a sitter in with mum so dad could go out and at least get a break from all the demands, or is mum too 'on the ball' to actually suss it out and stop him going?
Sometimes you (or rather you and dad) have to harden your heart and think about the best thing for him. Ultimately if your dad DOES have a breakdown mum will need care ANYWAY - and so will he. My mum ended up in psychiatric care. I'm not trying to frighten you but my parents story is a cautionary tale.
I know it seems as if there is no way out sometimes so I am wishing you a drop of luck and hoping you let us know how you get on xxxxx
From experience I would say that respite is a necessity. SS should be able to advise you. Make sure you tell them how bad things are, at their worst - as if there is a whiff of mum and dad being able to manage social services will let them.
Would it be possible to get a sitter in with mum so dad could go out and at least get a break from all the demands, or is mum too 'on the ball' to actually suss it out and stop him going?
Sometimes you (or rather you and dad) have to harden your heart and think about the best thing for him. Ultimately if your dad DOES have a breakdown mum will need care ANYWAY - and so will he. My mum ended up in psychiatric care. I'm not trying to frighten you but my parents story is a cautionary tale.
I know it seems as if there is no way out sometimes so I am wishing you a drop of luck and hoping you let us know how you get on xxxxx
