Acceptance?

[angecmc]

Gringo I am not as eloquent or intelligent as you are, but I feel for you,I hear you and send hugs to you (()) Most of all I admire you and respect you and you are allowed to feel angry, sad and any other emotion you maybe feeling right now xx

Ange

 

[Izzy]

Kassy, I know you were speaking to Gringo, but I was so sad to read your post, I too sometimes feel hurt by some comments made when I post my thoughts and it is wrong that we should feel this way. I try to ignore those comments,hard though it is sometimes,butknow that other comments are so helpful and the support people give on here, I feel outweighs the stuff that makes me sad, so I will continue posting when I need to let off steam or need support or advise and really hope you will too. I hate to think that people on here feel let down or dare I say it bullied, perhaps that is too strong a word I dont know. Sending you hugs(()) we are all walking the same painful path xx

Ange

I'm so sorry to read that you've been upset by some comments made following your posts. I understand that you want to ignore these but really nobody should be putting up with hurtful posts or PMs. Nobody should feel bullied on this site. If you are upset about a post or a PM please report it to a moderator. All you have to do is click on the 'Report Post' sign at the bottom right hand side of the post box. A mod will respond to you.

 

[gringo]

Sorry gringo.
I would;
a] love to be able to drive
b] have a car
c] be able to take agoraphobic Dhiren out for a drive in the countryside.

No one is telling you how to feel. At least I hope not. I think most of us are telling you how we cope. It`s discussion rather than instruction

I did pause for a time, wondering whether I should reply to earlier posts on this thread. Not long enough. I would have done better to have stayed away completely. Perhaps, I would do better ignoring this one also, but it has really got under my skin.
GG. do I have to apologise for owning a car? Do I also have to apologise for taking my wife out in the car, when others are unable to do so?
I’m not sure what your message is. Are you really saying that having a car means that the pain of caring for a person with dementia is less for me? And, not having a car, it is correspondingly greater for you? Would it help anybody if I got rid of the car?
Although my post was written making light of the incident. it was not a walk in the park, and I did say, “In retrospect, (it was) not as bad a situation as many of our members face on a daily basis”. You appear, either, not to have read that, or not to have understood what I was saying.

 

[gringo]

Gringo, I wouldn't want your blessings (or the task of cleaning and refreshing your car) for all the tea in China.
I think that you know that these words are sent with love.

Twiddler x

Thank-you. Please answer my pm.!!

 

[Noorza]

Gringo I am sure that's not what Grannie meant, we all have to suffer our own pain in our own way. I read it that Grannie was trying to point out the positives, which are hard to see when you are in the middle of it.

I have been on my knees this week because a bank error has sent my poor angry mum into a tail spin, verbal abuse and all the stuff we carers find makes our lives miserable.

I read someone can't remember who but they were right "dementia sucks the happiness out of the life of the sufferer and their carers".

I know it doesn't matter if we lived in a mansion with a roller or anywhere else, there is no escaping the misery it brings.

I can't talk for Grannie but I didn't read any harm in her post, just pointing out the positives which are hard to acknowledge. I'm miserable this week, my Mum doesn't live with me, I do feel lucky as I get to escape behind a closed front door and escape the abuse. But I find it hard to acknowledge the positives too at times, a lot of times actually.

 

[Grannie G]

Please accept my sincere apologies gringo .

 

[Noorza]

It saddens me when someone like you,that needs support,feels they need to back off or stay away.Other members have recently felt the same.

Its not a competition to see who is having the most problems in life,our problems are our problems and no one should feel the need to upset anyone.

My battles with the memories of my mum's dementia will stay with me forever,i couldn't accept it at the time,and can't now,but its funny how people say to me 'you have a husband.'I know,i iron his shirts every day!(sorry,trying to lighten my post Gringo.)But what does that mean?So if i didn't have a husband,people would treat me differently,i doubt it very much.Does my husband miraculously rid me of my trauma?

Sorry Gringo,i've gone off on one,thats why i should stay away methinks.x

I feel this is a site that welcomes everyone and wants all to be included, no one should feel the need to stay away, but the written word can often be misinterpreted, we don't have eye contact, we don't have expressions, or tones in the language, we have hard flat written words that are open to interpretation and misinterpretation.

Let me give you an example that I learned on a course many many years ago that I hope will make everyone smile.

Note left for husband on his office desk.

"Not getting any, better come home"

He left the office.

What should have been written.


"Not getting any better, come home"

One comma can make a huge difference,

In the same way pointing out the positives to make a person feel better about their situation, isn't making it into a competition, just different ways of viewing things.

I am the guiltiest of the guilty of telling people how to be positive, when feeling devastated myself in the hope I can make them feel better when I fail to make myself feel better.

 

[Noorza]

When you are feeling at a low ebb,someone telling you positives can make you feel a whole lot worse,been in that t-shirt many times.

I know that feeling but what's the choice? Saying yes you are right, your life is rubbish, your role as a carer doesn't make a difference, how on earth would that make a person feel more positive.

CARERS DO MAKE AN IMMENSE AND HUGE DIFFERENCE IMO and they do deserve to be told the positives in their lives whilst accepting how hard it can be.

You can say "I empathise" but there are only so many times you can say that before posters realise that you are cutting and pasting.

If someone takes the effort to give you a positive response, to your individual problems, that to me is a sign that they care.

I'm not saying I'm right just that this is my perspective.

 

[Skye]

I was determined not to post again, but I have to intervene.

Kassie, I'm with you in this. One of the first principles in counselling is that the counsellor should validate the person's suffering. Kassie (and gringo) are suffering, and there is no light at the end of the tunnel for them. They both come here for understanding and support, even though no-one has any practical answers for them.

What is unhelpful, and hurtful, is to tell then how lucky they are, that many people are worse off. The time to make positive suggestions is when they ask for them.

I must confess, I've been surprised and troubled by some of the very brusque responses I've seen recently. What is happening to TP?

 

[turbo]

I agree with AA Gill's comment on dementia (his dad had dementia).
'There are no positives with dementia'.


turbo

 

[BeckyJan]

Highly sensitive folk will sometimes perceive a post to be 'brusque' when in fact it is just a simple brief comment. Please remember that most members here are caring or have cared and thus could be in a very stressed state.

If some one is offended by a post they have to report it - there is absolutely no need for others to make mountains out of molehills and then sometimes ruin a perfectly good thread.

(Writing as a member).

 

[Skye]

Highly sensitive folk will sometimes perceive a post to be 'brusque' when in fact it is just a simple brief comment. Please remember that most members here are caring or have cared and thus could be in a very stressed state.

Exactly my point, Jan.

 

[Shash7677]

I'm with Skye 'what has happened to TP?' I've asked myself this question quite frequently just lately.

Gringo please don't stay away, Too many good members are being lost at the minute.

Sharon x

 

[Noorza]

I'm with Skye 'what has happened to TP?' I've asked myself this question quite frequently just lately.

Gringo please don't stay away, Too many good members are being lost at the minute.



Sharon x

I am so sorry may I refer you to post 47 where Grannie apologised?

 

[Shash7677]

I've purposely not commented on any of the posts on the thread as don't feel it's my place to.

I've just said what has happened to TP as it has changed and sometimes not for the better. I'm not referring to anything said here. This is why I've stayed away from commenting directly.

 

[gigi]

I've not been around for while..

As an 'oldie' looking in from the outside it's quite reassuring to realise that TP hasn't changed...

Everyone on this thread is voicing their own opinion, about their own situation.

Everyone who suffers with dementia is a unique individual. Everyone who cares for someone with dementia is also a unique individual.

So it's inevitable that there will be times when paths don't meet.

Don't let it cloud the issue.

We all hurt, feel the pain, injustice and battle in our different ways.

Carers and sufferers alike.

I do think that it's often difficult to interpret attitude from a brief written statement.

There's no facial expression, body language or eye contact.

There is no right or wrong way of doing what we do.


We do it. TP is here to help and support.

 

[velo70]

Seems to me, most of us who are on this site are hurting already. Sometimes a word or sentence can hurt us a little more, even though there is no bad intent. I have seen nothing in the conversation so far that would offend me, but it is a very interesting discussion which I have enjoyed reading. I hope no one punishes us by leaving the table. I think when someone makes a brusque response, it only adds to the honesty, which I respect, hear and choose to agree or not. Our only common feeling is the one against the horrid disease that brought us together on this painful passage. Regards to you all.

 

[Scarlett123]

I've read this thread with great interest. Every carer is under a huge strain, and it's a wonder we don't all go to pieces with the stress of it all. I have found myself to be increasingly frustrated when told by friends of things they consider a major problem, like not getting the flight times they want for a holiday.

And yet, 10 years ago, I too would have been annoyed at that. I am currently the recipient of a Bad Cold, not flu, or anything major, but my nose is congested, it's raw and sore, my eyes are watering, I'm freezing and shivering, and keep sneezing. Just a cold, but I feel so angry that I can't go to bed, and feel sorry for myself, beneath the covers.

Instead, I have to stay alert for John's sake. Yesterday he was at his club, so I was able to snatch a few hours sleep, but it's Saturday, and I must cope, somehow. And John keeps asking me "are you alright?", when it's clear that I'm not and saying things like "I want my lunch/a drink/a snack", and I have to do it, cos there's nobody else.

But oh! The joy I experienced this week when 2 different friends remarked on how clean, well dressed and well groomed, John looked. and that it was down to me.

I find TP invaluable, because there's always someone who can help with a problem, and/or knows how you must be feeling. Time for some more Beechams Powders, I know how to live.

 

[garnuft]

Sometimes it seems to me that some posters only want to hear a response that echoes their own opinion,
anything other than that is judged as bullying or brusque...note 'judged'....
that word seems to get used by a lot of people on this forum...usually by the people who are judging the most, their judgements seemingly more valid than others'.

When you have an opinion, any opinion.....you ARE being judgemental....you have judged.
To accuse someone of being judgemental is irony at it's best.

I agree with a previous poster, that brusque, opinionated posts ADD to the honesty of this forum,
to me they are as valid as the posts that say 'so sorry, thinking of you' or other pleasantries...that would be all that would be said if we filter opinion and discussion out of the allowed input.

There was a new member this week who sadly left, upset because she didn't feel the forum supported her opinion.

I felt sad that she decided to leave, I felt she should have listened and understood better the responses she had to her post (I was NOT a respondent, before you ask...in fact the majority of responses were from moderators).....
my point is...did the poster expect everyone just to agree? if so, then she expected too much from a public forum.

We're all grown-ups on here and it's a rare thing to have total consensus and detrimental not to allow a voice to a different opinion.

I have read through tons of archived posts and threads and believe me, there has been constant differing of opinions, threats to leave, accusations, upsets, apologies.... it's nothing new...in fact to change it to a forum full of sympathetic, bland responses and platitudes would be changing Talking Point.....there would be no point and no talking.

This is of course MY opinion, which I am fully entitled to hold and I fully expect some to agree and some to disagree with it.....it's called debate.

I accept that.

 

[rajahh]

Gwen I sometimes put a dilemma question to TP and the posts which go against what I would normally opt for do help. They make me re think, and to be honest I usually stay with my original option, but the responses have made me think and that can only be to the good.

Not sure I am expressing myself clearly, but at least I know what I mean.

Jeannette